36. Carina
CARINA
Iwore a path on the carpet as I tracked back and forth through the bedroom.
There was no possibility that I could sit still.
Or not move. Or be stationary in any fashion.
The second I went still, it was like my brain went into overdrive with too many thoughts that clashed in a chaotic lack of order.
My heart tripped into another form of commotion as I endured the lash of so many conflicting feelings that churned me up from the inside out.
Pacing like I could outrun the turmoil in my mind and soul, I focused on nothing. Nothing but placing one foot in front of the other and then pivoting to do it again.
Almost obsessively, I had to keep moving. Walking. And doing all I could not to dwell on the fact that my husband was executing my brother. Probably right this instant.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, despising the tears streaming down my face.
I lifted both my hands, one to use for wiping my cheeks off and the other to blurrily gaze at the image of my parents on my phone.
It was on that same drive that had exposed my pregnancy to my brother, but that wouldn’t be an issue anymore.
He’d never snoop and see anything on the shared cloud we’d once had as a family.
I blinked, straining to clearly see the defined images of my parents’ faces.
My father’s almost-smile that he always had when he was mildly amused but didn’t think it warranted a full laugh.
My mother’s easy grin as she peered at the camera, always having such a zest for life and never letting the sterner and disciplinarian side of her personality take over.
“I’m sorry,” I told them, wishing I could connect with them through this photo, this keepsake of a better time in the past.
They’d never reply. They’d never let me know if they were disappointed and heartbroken or understanding and sympathetic over what had happened.
I was alone, but I felt like I would never lose the sense of identity they’d instilled in me. To be strong and smart, to stay independent and confident. To think before acting or speaking and consider my weaknesses so I could learn how to improve.
That would always be a part of me. Their guidance would never leave me, and it was in that respect that I felt certain that they wouldn’t judge me from wherever their spirits could exist now.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him.”
Not Maksim.
It hadn’t entered my mind to stop my husband from killing Arturo.
I was so damn sorry to the bottom of my heart that I hadn’t stopped Arturo from making the decisions he had that had led to this fate. That I couldn’t have pushed him to listen to me more. That I couldn’t have been there to guide him away from destruction.
But it wasn’t my fault. No one in this universe could ever force a stubborn man to change his mind on a decision. Not when the effects of a power trip ruled stronger than any advice anyone could have given him.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more. That I couldn’t have helped early enough,” I whispered as I continued to pace.
Tears leaked from my eyes, but with every passing moment, the burn of them scalded me less.
The urgency to cry waned as I kept putting one foot in front of the other and walked off this negative energy.
Apologizing to this picture wasn’t going to solve anything, but in this moment of conflict and heartache, it was the only thing I thought I could manage to do. Because sitting here and crying wasn’t going to change a damn thing.
Maksim entered the room suddenly, but his arrival wasn’t rushed.
One second, I was pacing and trying to get control of myself, and the next, he was there. Without a knock or any other warning that he was here, he opened the door and stepped inside.
No words. No actions.
He’d entered and let me know that he was present, a phenomenon I’d always register right away.
As I spun to face him, I angrily wiped away the last of my tears. “Sorry,” I muttered.
I had never in my life said that damn word more than I had in these last fifteen minutes of sorrow, anger, and disappointment.
He shook his head, striding straight toward me. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
I huffed a weak laugh as he folded his arms around me. Even though things couldn’t be more twisted in our lives of violence, death, and power, I succumbed to the immediate peace and security that his hugs gave me.
“Or are you saying that you’re sorry he’s dead?”
I shook my head, rubbing my face against his shirt. He didn’t retreat or give me space, nor did he react with annoyance that I was soaking the fabric with my tears. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t have done anything all these years for this to not have to be the outcome.”
He sighed, dipping his head toward my shoulder and rubbing my back. Each long and steady caress was a firm pressure that grounded me. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know. Somewhere in the back of my head, I do know that. But I can’t help it.
I wish things hadn’t gotten to this point.
If I’m going down that path, then I don’t have to stop there.
I can waste my time wishing that my parents were never killed, and that we’d never entered that phase of war with other Cartels.
So many wishes that won’t happen because no one can go back in time and change the past.”
He didn’t reply, and that helped. If he tried to force me to agree or to argue with me that I was wrong with this mindset… Simply having him hear me out soothed my soul.
“I mourn the brother I wished he could be. That’s the loss that will hurt my heart.
” I lifted to peer at him, latching on to the love that shone from his eyes.
“I can grieve that I’ve lost the chance for me and my brother to be the siblings my parents would have been proud of, but I don’t regret any—” I heaved out a deep but shaky exhale. “I don’t regret anything.”
He cupped my face and kissed my forehead reverently.
“I don’t regret how I got to this point with you today.
And I don’t regret being arranged with you and starting this life with you.
” Guilt returned, but I licked my lips and stayed determined to plow past the uncomfortable feeling.
“I am sorry for that, Maksim. For how it had to have sounded when I spoke to him outside.”
He furrowed his brow, shaking his head like he wasn’t following.
“When I said that it was his fault for arranging the marriage. As if it was something I still detested or didn’t appreciate.”
“No, that’s not— No. That wasn’t how I interpreted it at all.”
I swallowed hard and wrapped my arms around him tighter, never wanting to let go. “I didn’t say it with the implication that our being married is bad. I would never forgive myself if I made it sound like I had regrets about being with you. About us.”
He pulled me closer and kissed me. Gently. Tenderly. And somehow with that one gesture, he poured so much understanding into it. “I know that, Carina.” He kissed me again until I sighed into his lips. “I will never doubt your feelings about me and what we share.”
In any other circumstances, that would’ve sounded so cocky and smug of him, but I saw it as nothing but the truth.
“I feel this love between us,” he said softly, stroking his thumb over my cheek. “I hear the pride in your voice when you remind anyone that I’m your husband and that you are a Volkov.”
I nodded and kissed him back.
“I see the commitment you have to being my wife and strategist.” He slid his arm around me tighter, and I stepped into his space.
“Then you can count on that for the rest of our lives.” I pressed my cheek to his chest and closed my eyes for a moment, savoring the familiarity of his heartbeat against my ear, strong and true. “I will make my case to you every single day,” I promised. “I will never change my mind about us.”
“Neither will I.” He brushed my hair back from my face and held me.
“I mean it.” I reared back to look at him. “I will always be yours, Maksim. Yours to protect even when I insist on doing some things my way.”
He nodded. “That’s who we are. Partners.”
Getting lost in his warm stare on me, I hoped that he really comprehended how stubborn I was about this vow.
This moment felt stronger and more charged than those vows we shared in that hasty wedding, where we’d only been there to prove it was legitimate and a done deal.
These sentiments I wanted him to hear from me in our room, while I accepted that there were no other survivors to the Garcia Cartel but me, they held so much more impact and significance.
I wasn’t trying to butter him up and convince him that I was solidly on his team. This devotion that I embraced from my soul was a fierce drive that I would never slack in. With all that I wanted to do and say for the rest of my life, it had to be with an obedience to only one law between us.
Love.
I’d come here not that many months ago, confused about why I was sent away from my home the way I had been. Homesickness came and went over all those weeks.
But that would never happen again.
My home was here. With this strong man who could face hard things and still prove he would love me and care for me.
I hadn’t counted on ever falling in love with my husband, but now I saw that was the guiding light that would remind me of where I would always belong.
“I love you, Maksim, with all my heart. I pray that you will never have a reason to doubt that ever again.”