Chapter 11
ELEVEN
The ocean at the Seahaven Bay surf beach whispered against the shore, rhythmic and steady.
Rita had always thought that night-time waves sounded gentler, less harsh, and since the retreat had opened, being on the beach after dark had become one of her favourite escapes.
Sometimes she would just drive down and sit in the car park with the windows open, letting the sound of the waves hypnotise her and clear her mind of anything stressful.
As Rita pulled into the car park, with windows open, she could see head torches bobbing and hear distant laughter at what she assumed were minor stumbles in the sand, and assumed this was Teo and the retreat guests he had driven down in the Land Rover.
She could make out Zenya sitting patiently by the fire pit she had dug, surrounded by scattered blankets and flasks of nettle tea.
She was just about to turn off the engine when her headlights caught Cass walking in the opposite direction, hands shoved deep in his pockets.
She turned off the ignition, quickly messaged Zenya to say get started without them, and got out, walking towards him.
Her voice was low and gentle. ‘Cass, hey.’
The young man looked back. ‘Rita. I just needed a minute. I…’
‘Sure.’ Rita started to turn away, but something made her stop. She could see the weight he carried in the way he held himself, the tense shoulders, the hesitant step, the way his gaze kept drifting to the waves as if the ocean could somehow swallow the ache. She felt suddenly concerned.
‘Mind if I walk with you?’ she asked, taking a careful step closer.
Cass hesitated, then nodded. They walked in silence for a few moments, the only sound the rhythmic hush of the surf.
‘You know… I said I lost someone,’ he whispered.
‘My friend. Suicide. It’s…’ His voice was breaking.
‘…it’s like a piece of me went with him.
’ He suddenly shouted, ‘I should have known!’ Then he continued, quietly, ‘I went to school with the bastard. Grew up with him. Why didn’t he just talk to me?
I fucking miss him. And now, it feels like something is missing within me and I don’t know what to do. ’
‘I know that feeling of grief,’ Rita said softly. ‘Like a hollow place in your chest that aches no matter what you try to fill it with.’
He finally stopped to look at her. ‘How do you…?’ His voice trailed off.
‘My husband.’ Rita took a slow breath. ‘He died in a car accident.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Cass bit his lip.
‘I realise we all deal with life… and death differently, but my advice would be, let yourself feel it.’ Rita met his cornflower-blue eyes.
There was something about him that reminded her of Thom.
‘Not try to fix it or push it away. Sometimes just… holding the moment, letting it sit with you, is enough.’ She held out her hand to his, but he shook his head.
‘This place is making me think of it, of him, more. I have to be with myself. I’m not used to that.’ Cass let out a little groan. ‘Let’s go and join the group.’
‘Come on.’ Rita stayed close to his side. ‘You don’t have to carry this alone, Cass.’
He exhaled a shaky breath. ‘I just… I can’t stop thinking about him. About what I could’ve done differently. I… I feel guilty all the time.’
Rita stopped and faced him. ‘Guilt is part of it. It’s natural.
But it’s an emotion of no use to you or anyone else.
The amount of if onlys I used to relive over and over again before my husband set off on his car journey…
Your grief is proof of your heart. And your heart…
well, it’s strong enough to hold the pain and still reach out. ’
He looked at her, eyes glistening in the moonlight. ‘Do you think it ever gets easier?’
‘Time does help,’ Rita admitted. ‘You learn to let it sit beside you, instead of it drowning you. And sometimes… it helps to let someone else hold it with you, even for a little while.’
They walked back toward the circle, the waves their quiet companion, until Cass croaked, ‘That helped, it really helped, thanks, Rita.’
Rita smiled softly. ‘Good.’
Cass cleared this throat, ‘And I am so sorry for your loss.’
‘We waited,’ Zenya said brightly as the pair joined the group.
‘I appreciate that,’ Cass said, sincerely.
‘No Imogen tonight, then?’ Rita noted.
Odette piped up, ‘She evidently had to do something work-related. Ridiculous, I say.’ The woman scoffed, her mad red hair tied up in a gaudy scarf. ‘I was so jealous; the words were literally flying out of her. She types on her tablet as fast as I used to when writing my trilogy.’
Priya offered a comforting glance to the troubled author.
‘All right, soul seekers,’ Zenya said warmly, spreading her arms. ‘Welcome to the first of your two moonlight mantras. No phones, no expectations. Just sea, stars, snacks, some nettle tea, and maybe a few secrets whispered to the tide.’
Davie grimaced as he took a sip of tea. ‘I’m praying that the tide is high, given what I want to offload.’
Teo lifted a Tupperware of moonballs. ‘Zenya says these have the oats, dates, the almonds, and a sprinkle of hope in here. Qué romántico!’ He placed them in the middle of the circle. ‘Help yourselves.’
As the group tucked in, Zenya passed around some mica-flecked stones she’d collected earlier. ‘These are the reason we are here tonight, as well as to bond with your fellow retreat guests – if you want to, that is.’
Once everyone had a stone, she sat back down, her voice floating through the chill of the thin night air.
‘Think of something or someone you want to release tonight. It could be because of fear, grief, hope, guilt, even love. You don’t have to say it aloud unless you want to.
Then let it go into the high tide.’ She grinned at Davie. ‘And away into the night.’
‘Wow, that’s deep, but I love it.’ Cass looked almost peaceful for a second.
A quiet rustling passed through the group as they gathered their thoughts; even Davie looked like he was paying attention.
‘I’ll go first.’ Priya smiled quietly. ‘I want to stop being everything and all to other people and choose myself. Even if it’s scary.’ She stood and threw her stone with force.
Odette’s toss was quieter, more careful. ‘I want to stop doubting myself,’ she murmured. ‘I know I can write; I just need to sit down and get on with it.’ Her stone skipped once before sinking.
Cass stayed very still, eyes fixed on the moonlit water.
‘I want to… forgive him. Not forget. Just… forgive,’ he murmured.
Then his breath hitched. ‘Shit… I didn’t even realise I was angry with him.
’ He crumpled, tears spilling before he could stop them.
The circle hushed; even Odette blinked hard.
Rita stepped closer and, with a quiet nod from him, wrapped him in a gentle, slightly awkward shoulder hug.
Davie tossed his stone into the water with exaggerated flair. ‘I want to stop worrying about tomorrow… about everything, really. A day rarely goes by where I feel “normal”. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I do actually want to cry.’
Zenya looked to Teo with a stone held high in her hands. He shook his head. ‘No me tonight.’
As Zenya gently threw her stone in, she caught Priya staring at her. Blushing, she whispered, ‘I need to learn how to let people in… to follow my heart.’
As Rita circled the stone in her hand, she felt a sudden rush of emotion.
Her thoughts tangled with the tiny heartbeat inside her.
But looking at Davie’s honesty, Odette’s quiet bravery, Priya’s steadiness, and Cass’s raw, aching courage, something nudged her.
She could throw it all into the mix: the fear of how a new heartbeat would work in her household, grief that Archie would never meet this half of her, hope that Jago would accept her with this new dimension, and guilt over what her children may think of the whole mad situation.
For a long moment, she hesitated, heart hammering.
Then with her right hand on her stomach, she let it go.
Without saying a word, the stone skipped once, then twice, across the silvered water before sinking.
A flicker of calm settled over her chest, the moonlight reflecting on her face, the tide gently carrying it all away.
‘Just beautiful,’ Zenya whispered knowingly as she stood, then adding, ‘So that’s it for tonight. Don’t say that the Seahaven Bay Resort doesn’t show you a meaningful time.’
‘Well, throwing stones beats getting stoned, I guess,’ Davie said, offering a hand to Odette, who was struggling to get up. ‘Or I’d be raiding the Cosy Café for snacks all night.’
With Teo leading the charge to the Land Rover, Zenya walked in step with Rita at the rear.
‘I guess I was right, then?’ Zenya reached for Rita’s hand and gently squeezed it.
This simple gesture was enough to calm the knot of nerves she’d been carrying, just for a moment. ‘I haven’t told a soul. Not yet.’
‘And you still haven’t.’ Zenya squeezed tighter.
‘It’s easier walking in the dark when someone’s holding your hand,’ Rita whispered.
‘When you’re ready to step into the light, I’ll be holding it too.’ Zenya squeezed again.
Teo shouted across to them, ‘Zee, are you going back with Rita?’
‘Yes!’ Zenya shouted back. ‘See you at the farm.’
‘It’s funny, isn’t it?’ Rita commented to Zenya as she pulled onto the courtyard. ‘How your life can change in a second and no one else even realises.’
Zenya smiled as she hopped down from the Jimny. ‘Life turns, quietly or not. What matters is who chooses to turn with you.’
At that moment, the Land Rover doors burst open, and the resort guests spilled out in a cheerful jumble.
Teo’s voice rang out over the commotion. ‘Who’s up for a drink and a game of pool in the Nook?’
Rita laughed softly and glanced at Zenya. ‘Sounds like the perfect way to end the night.’