Chapter 6
SIX
HEAD SPIN
Gordain
“The disciplinary panel will be convened, and you will be advised of the date in due course.”
I stared at the ranking officer, at his cool eyes. “Permission to speak, sir.”
“Granted.”
What could I ask? The letter I’d been handed, and the summary given verbally, was crystal clear.
I faced a formal disciplinary hearing—a significant offence in the career of an airman—over the wing commander’s complaint.
The RAF took character seriously. You made commitments to the cause and if you acted outside of that, you were seen as unfit to serve.
They’d put me on leave for an unknown period, though my search and rescue training started imminently.
Cold unfurled in my gut.
“I’m due to attend SAR training. Will the course be delayed until after the hearing?”
The officer behind the desk steepled his fingers and gave an impatient sigh. “The course will proceed as planned. You will not be participating. The streaming has been revoked.”
Fuck. I forced the expression from my face. My fate was sealed.
At best, I would have to go back to basics, lose the respect I’d gained alongside the coveted position. At worst… My career was over.
“Any further questions?” the officer asked, already lost in his computer screen.
“No, sir.”
“You are dismissed.”
Pausing in the soulless corridor outside the room, I slid on a pair of sunglasses, hiding from the world while I reeled. The unfairness grated. The fact that despite all the rigidity of the military, one man’s malice carried more weight.
I thought this would go away. Or be considered a slightly embarrassing non-event. But no. The Wing Commander had thrown the book at me.
At the exterior door, I gripped the frigid metal handle, trying and failing to think of a single thing I could do to make this right. But there was nothing. I knew the drill.
Outside, Ella waited, a bright smile ready. It faded as she took in my expression. She’d promised me a hug, but I couldn’t go there. All I wanted was to take and take from her. If I had her in my arms, I wouldn’t want to let her go.
Ella wasn’t mine to use like that. Nobody was.
She seemed to understand and instead climbed inside the car, then she remained silent while I sulked. She drove us off the base and into the wild Highlands with no need for me to instruct or help her; she could control the vehicle just fine.
“I think I’m going to be released from my contract. Maybe even fired,” I eventually forced out. It was the worst the commander could do and, judging on today, he’d probably go there.
She sucked in a breath. “Why?”
Christ, I didn’t want to tell her what had happened, not now anyway. How could I explain something I didn’t remember? It only made me sound less in control and more culpable.
After the event, I’d grabbed a quiet minute with Jordie to ask how long I’d been gone from the bar before they’d found me. It was incredibly unlikely, but if I’d had sex with the woman I was found with, I wanted to know about it.
His answer—twenty minutes—didn’t help.
With no way of contacting the woman in question, I was on my own in the mystery. I’d gotten myself checked for STDs anyway. The tests had come back negative, but all of it was a wakeup call.
“I did something stupid. I was due to start an elite training course, and they’ve pretty much confirmed that won’t happen.”
My chest had a hole in it, and I was bleeding out. Not just for the job, but for the indignity and lack of faith the RAF had in me.
I waited on Ella’s words like she could condemn me or free me.
“That doesn’t sound like you, G.”
Didn’t sound like me? I slept around. I sometimes got drunk. Why couldn’t it happen to me? A surge of emotion rose.
“Maybe you don’t know me that well to judge,” I bit out, my frustration overflowing and landing on the only near target.
Ella stared forward, her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide in surprise. Ah fuck, I was taking it out on entirely the wrong person.
“I’m sorry—” I started, but she cut me off.
“You’re right. I spoke out of turn. It’s none of my business.” Then she closed her mouth and made a show of concentrating on the vacant road.
And I stared out of the window, trying to work out what the hell was going on.
At the castle, Ally’s car had been moved—now parked in a different spot. I recalled his mission to get laid and blew out a breath. “My brother might have company,” I said to Ella.
She dipped her head, then, without answering, slid the keys from the ignition and hopped out of the car. I followed her across the car park.
At the front door, she stopped. Then she arranged her face into a pleasant smile. Totally fake. “Thank you for the lesson. I appreciate your time.”
I wanted to call her on it. Or have her call me on my rotten mood. But Ella wasn’t here to help me with my problems. She had enough of her own.
I was alone in this. No right to ask for a damn thing from anyone.
“I’m going to the gym. Grab yourself whatever you want for a late lunch. I’ll have dinner ready at seven,” I grumped, my muscles itching for release.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll make something myself,” Ella called over her shoulder, and she stomped away, her fake smile gone as she turned her back. “Look after yourself, Gordain.”
Then she was gone. I was Gordain again and not G.
And I wanted to break things.
In the tower gym, I took out my frustration first on the punchbag, then the weights. Music blared, and I hit my routine hard. Hurting myself. Punishing my body for taking part in something I didn’t remember.
In the past, I’d got tattoos to remind me of bad times. Occasionally some good. I liked the sting of the gun.
It made me feel alive.
I was laid out on the bench, sweat pouring off me, when footsteps sounded on the stairs outside. Swiping a towel from where I’d slung it over the weights rack, I dried my face then stopped the music before it went onto the next track.
Ally swaggered into the room. Ally. Not Ella. My disappointment hurt more than the burn in my shoulders.
Two hours of sweating my balls off hadn’t dented my addiction to all things Ella Fitzroy.
“What is it?” I tossed the towel to the end of the bench and scrubbed over my eyes with the heel of my hand.
“Condoms. Need ’em.”
I stared at him. Then my brain caught up, and I snapped back into big brother mode. “You have a lass here, and you…?”
“Aye.” He beamed. “And she’s made a man out of me already. Hence the request.”
“Right. Nice one.” I jumped up and moved past him, jogging the stairs to my rooms on the floor above.
Callum and I had remodelled the space into a liveable apartment the year after I’d joined the RAF.
I had a bedroom, a wee bathroom with a decent shower but no bath, and a living room with a round wall against which we’d built a couch.
Most of the windows were tiny slits, designed to shoot arrows out of.
I couldn’t imagine living in a regular flat-walled house. Somewhere that was purpose-built and didn’t have issues with crumbling stonework or centuries-old sloping floors. As a family, we were experts in castle repair jobs. It was what we knew.
That was half the reason I’d taken Ella to see Braithar this morning. To show her the place I used to run to as a lad when my father’s beatings had become too much.
I sighed, pulling the light cord to the bathroom.
Ally followed me in.
“What’s her name, the lass?” I asked, opening the cabinet under the sink.
“Kaylee. She’s followed me for ages, and we’ve chatted a wee bit. Turns out she liked me for more than just my stories.”
The twins documented their lives online and had a huge following. It had prompted Wasp’s interest in more serious photography. Ally’s posts, on the other hand, were more often stunts he pulled or pictures of his own face.
I located an unopened box and handed it over. “Good to know you’re being responsible.”
He slid the box into his back pocket, giving a nod as thanks. “You taught me well. There’ll be no stray babies from this McRae. By the way, did you see Wasp’s picture yet?”
I grimaced and checked my phone, finding the McRae family chat. The second shot was of him and Taylor on the airplane, both pulling baffled faces, their hands to their mouths covering fake shock. His comment was: Has anyone seen my V-card? Seem to have lost it.
“Can’t believe you’ve both grown up,” I said.
Ally grinned, but then his face fell. “Yeah, I sent him a picture of my bare arse in reply. But I didn’t mean that. What about Ella? Do you think she’ll mind?”
“I think she might.”
“Do you want to tell her or shall I?”
This was what I loved most about my youngest brother—though a twin, he’d been born ten minutes after Wasp and always played the baby of the family—he messed around and got into trouble, but he was unfailingly honest about it. Never hiding his mistakes. Or those of other people.
I should learn from his example.
I blew out a breath. “I’ll tell her. Is she downstairs?”
Ally shook his head, turning to leave. “No. She’s been sawing away at her violin for hours. Real angry sounds. Did you piss her off?”
“I might’ve done.” I followed him into the octagonal hall and to the top of the stairs.
“Then tell her about Taylor while she’s already angry. She’ll burn out and get over it quicker.”
“Is your friend staying for dinner?” I called after him down the stairs.
“Aye. And for the night. Don’t come knocking.” Then he was gone.
Ally and his guest came down for dinner, draped over one another and flirting up a storm as they ploughed through the chicken stew I’d prepared. The lass gazed at my brother like he was a rock star, laughing at everything he said.
It was almost cute, if it wasn’t nauseating.
Man, I needed to get out and get laid.
My lingering mood and my snapping at Ella had as much to do with her as it did my job. The work problem I’d had time to get used to. It sucked, but it was becoming inevitable. The Ella problem wasn’t going away.
It was getting worse.
Every time I looked at her, my blood heated. Little details—the outline of her collarbone under her shirt, or the depths of her blue-green eyes—had me fascinated.
She was too young for me. My best friend’s little sister. She needed friends and space to mess around with lads. To enjoy herself in her newfound freedom.
Christ, the thought had my blood spiking yet again.
I had to get out of here tonight. Find a bar. A willing body.
But first… I leapt up and grabbed a fork and a bowl of stew and marched out of the dining room, up the stairs that ran up the interior wall of the great hall, then down the bedroom corridor. The sound of Ella’s violin filled the air. She’d got lost in her music.
I rapped my knuckles on the door.
The tune continued, so I rested against the wall adjacent to her door. Then, after a minute and no answer, I slid to the floor, her bowl warm in my hands. It was beautiful, the piece she was playing. Soaring for a while then angry and vibrant. A hint of desperation.
It had me thinking of flying. The urgency of reaching someone. Missions I’d flown where the likely outcome was of recovering bodies rather than saving souls.
Fucking poignant.
I closed my eyes against it, the rising music, the image of Ella feverishly playing the piece.
Hot. Sweaty. Her dark hair pulled back from her face.
I put the bowl to one side and placed my head in my hands.
Caught up in my thoughts, I didn’t notice the playing had stopped until the door opened in front of me.
Ella paused in her step into the hall. “Gordain! You made me jump.”
Yeah, well, Ella. You make my head spin and my heart ache.
I clambered to my feet, retrieving her dinner and offering it out. “Brought your food. I knocked, but…”
She took the bowl, her eyes bright but her actions cautious. “I didn’t hear. Thanks. I meant to come down but I lost track of time. I was writing a new piece.”
“It was beautiful.”
“You listened?”
“I loved it.”
We watched each other for a long moment. “I’m sorry—”
“I shouldn’t have—”
Both of us spoke at the same time.
Ella gave a short laugh. “I’ll go first because it was my mistake.
I pushed you for something you didn’t want to talk about.
Just because I was getting a driving lesson and along for the ride didn’t give me any right to pry into what happened at the base.
” She dropped her gaze. “Or to pout like a child after. I see that now.”
“No.” The words stuck in my throat.
She peeked up. “No? No what?”
“I… Ah, fuck. I snapped at you and you apologise? No to that. And no because I was the one acting out of line. Ye have every right to ask. I started the conversation.” And I’d tell her the details. But not right at this second. I dragged in a breath. “I’m sorry, okay?”
Ella’s cheeks tinged pink, visible even in the dim light of the hall.
I was so fucked over this lass. So utterly fucked.
So I needed to go before I did something stupid. “There’s something I needed to tell you. About your friend.”
Her eyebrows drew in. “Taylor?”
“And Wasp.” I scrunched up my nose.
“Did she sleep with him?” Ella guessed, saving me the words. Then she tilted her head. “Were you worried about telling me? Aw, G. I already knew. She asked me if I minded, if I was into him.” The pink on her cheeks spread. “I told her to go for it.”
Ella had a way of looking at me. Like the way my older brother did, seeing the whole but noticing the different parts. What was missing or what was new. But where his gaze homed in on problems, hers sought something else.
I squared my shoulders under her scrutiny.
“I’m going out tonight.” My words tasted sour in my mouth, but if I stayed, I had the strongest sense that I’d kiss her. And kissing Ella then quitting Ella couldn’t happen in the same sentence. “Enjoy your dinner. Don’t forget the invitation we have tomorrow to Braithar.”
Ella took a step back. “I won’t.” She ducked her head. “Have fun on your evening out.”
Yeah, like that was a possibility, but I forced myself to walk away all the same.