Chapter 2
Chapter Two
Ronald elected to ride with Ida Belle—in the back seat like Miss Daisy—but Gertie chose to ride with me. I knew there was zero chance of getting them to wait until we all got to my house to start talking, so I called Ida Belle and put us all on speaker. Then I was sorry I had.
“I can’t believe these leggings have a tear,” Ronald complained. “Good Lord! All my business is going to be on display if these keep running like cheap pantyhose.”
“If you display any ‘business’ I will shoot it off,” Ida Belle said. “I suggest you keep that T-shirt pulled down.”
“The shirt isn’t all that long.”
“Then hunch.”
“If you guys are done talking wardrobe,” I interrupted, “I’d like to talk about this very un-Zen retreat.”
Gertie and Ronald both started talking at once and I couldn’t understand a word. Finally Ida Belle whistled again, practically making us all deaf, but it stopped the excited babble.
“One at a time,” I said.
“I get to go first,” Ronald said. “I was the one invited to the retreat, and Gertie was my plus one.”
“The better one, you mean,” Gertie argued. “Besides, I’m the detective and you passed out when you heard about it. You didn’t even see the body.”
“You saw the body?” I asked, and she nodded.
“Okay, lay this out for me from the beginning. Starting with how many people were at the resort and who.”
“This part doesn’t have a body so it’s my turn,” Ronald said.
“There were eight people total staying there. Eleanor and Mildred, Eleanor’s assistant Kim, that witch Dorothy, and two women from Mudbug named Silvia and Lucy.
I can’t even begin to understand the guest list as no one was competent at even very basic yoga, and that group can’t meditate to save their lives.
The noise coming from them was so disruptive. ”
“Silvia hums,” Gertie explained, “and Lucy is gassy.”
Good. God.
“You forgot that weirdo Zion Gates,” Gertie said.
“He wasn’t staying at the retreat,” Ronald said. “He just came to provide spiritual guidance.”
“You’re taking spiritual guidance from a man named Zion Gates?” Ida Belle asked.
“I didn’t take anything from him,” Gertie said. “Nora is more enlightened than that guy.”
“Because Nora is so high she’s floating up there next to Jesus,” Ida Belle said.
“I think he’s a not-really-silent partner,” Ronald said. “These retreats are his creation. He designed the format, the workshops, and the meals.”
“So it’s like a franchise?” Ida Belle asked.
“It seemed that way,” Ronald said. “But no one explained the business model. He was there to align our body and mind.”
“He was there to align Eleanor’s back,” Gertie corrected.
“Did he do an adjustment?” Ronald asked. “If I’d known he was a masseur, I would have asked for a session. Those dining chairs have my lumbar area all tight.”
Gertie snorted. “It wasn’t that kind of alignment. Did you really not catch on that he and Eleanor are collaborating on more positions than just yoga?”
“What? You saw them having sexy time?”
“I didn’t have to. A woman knows these things. I’m surprised you missed it as you’re female-adjacent.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment rather than an insult, but now that you mention it, Eleanor did seem a little smiley, almost giggly around him, which was odd. I’m not certain that centered and joyful were anywhere in her personality makeup.”
“I told you she was the last person I could see doing the whole Zen thing,” Ida Belle said.
“Well, I guess now we know the reason for her odd choice of business to open,” I said. “So was Zion there when Eleanor died?”
“No,” Gertie said. “He left after yoga class.”
“Okay, let’s shelve Zion for later. Tell me about the last time you saw her up until the time she was discovered deceased. Where were all of you during that time and what were you doing?”
“We had a yoga class down by the bayou, led by Zion, followed by cooldown and recentering,” Ronald said.
“That ended at two o’clock, and we all headed back to our cabins to shower because the humidity down there by the water was extra.
We were supposed to meet at the Welcome Center for smoothies at three fifteen.
The attendees, I mean. Mildred was at the main building, which is where the offices are, with Eleanor’s assistant Kim, when we headed to class.
“Did Eleanor go to her cabin as well or straight to the sauna?”
“Both,” Ronald said. “The sauna is located in Eleanor’s living quarters. Eleanor claimed she always used the sauna after class.”
“No one else went with her?”
“Good God no,” he said. “First off, it was so hot doing yoga, we all looked like we’d been swimming. I can’t imagine taking on more heat. Second, the sauna is only open to guests in the morning for two hours and another hour after dinner.”
Gertie nodded. “I wouldn’t sit in there until maybe December.”
“Sounds miserable,” I agreed. “So why would Eleanor want to sit in it?”
“Probably trying to take off a few pounds,” Gertie said. “She could stand to lose about twenty.”
“Twenty is generous,” Ronald said. “But if she’s chasing the hottie yoga guy, then I guess it would have been a start.”
“Are you sure everyone went to their cabins?” I asked.
“Not sure, no,” Ronald said. “We all walked up the path together, but the cabins are spaced out. I could only see Gertie’s and Dorothy’s from mine. They both went inside, but so did I. I wouldn’t know if either of them left after or if the other two ladies even went to theirs.”
“Or if Mildred and Kim were still in the main building,” Ida Belle said.
“But why does it matter where everyone was?” Ronald asked. “She committed suicide.”
“Gertie’s not convinced that’s the case.”
Ronald yelped. “What? You never told me that.”
“Why the heck do you think I asked Fortune to come?” Gertie asked.
“I could have driven us back. I was hoping she could get a peek at the sauna before the cops got here. I didn’t know that Carter would beat her there or that the state police would be in tow.
Now do you understand why I’m the one who needs to be telling this story? ”
“I can’t take you people anywhere,” Ronald said. “It’s like a death cloud hangs above you.”
“Look on the bright side,” I said. “We’re not the ones who commit the murders.”
I looked over at Gertie. “I’ll get to you in a minute, but first I want to back up to something Ronald said about the invitation. How were the attendees chosen? Ronald, did you know Eleanor?”
“Barely. But she clocked my Gucci boots the last time I ran into her at a charity event and then followed me out and asked a bunch of questions about my car. That was about a month ago, and she told me about this yoga retreat she was going to be opening. She wanted to do a test run with hand-selected guests before opening up registration to the public and asked if I’d be interested. ”
“But she never asked if you enjoyed that sort of thing? And the others didn’t seem all that adept at yoga, correct?”
“No, she didn’t ask, and those people definitely don’t do yoga on the regular. Maybe never.”
“It was a money thing,” Ida Belle said. “She figured if Ronald liked it, he’d tell his other rich friends.”
“Dorothy isn’t rich,” I said.
“But she’s one of the ringleaders of God’s Wives,” Ida Belle said. “If she told them to go, they’d all be stealing their husband’s beer money to cover the cost.”
I nodded. “And she told you that you could invite someone else?”
“No, I asked if I could bring someone,” Ronald said. “No way I was going to some cabin in the woods without protection. I’ve seen Deliverance. I’ve also seen the things Gertie carries in her purse. I knew there was no way I’d get you or Ida Belle there, so I asked if Gertie could attend.”
“And Gertie is one of the ringleaders of the Sinful Ladies, so a lot of potential customers there,” I said. “Those picks make sense from a business perspective. What about the other two ladies?”
Gertie shook her head.
“I don’t know anything about them,” Ronald said.
“There are eight cabins total for attendees. Dorothy and I had the two smaller cabins with queen-size beds. The others were larger with twins so they could hold two attendees, but everyone had their own. My understanding was that they weren’t quite done remodeling the last three, so this was a smaller run of guests to work out any kinks. No pun intended.”
I frowned as I pulled onto Main Street. It sort of made sense, but given my understanding of the major players, I could see why Gertie felt something was off. The whole thing seemed odd.
“Let’s continue this at my house,” I said. “I want to start making some notes.”
Ida Belle pulled into Ronald’s garage and by the time they’d hurried over, Gertie had iced tea and cookies on the kitchen table.
“Okay, so let’s move on to the body,” I said, opening my laptop. “Walk me through it.”
“I took my shower and was pulling out my new leotard when I heard a gunshot,” Gertie said. “I didn’t think anything of it, really. I mean, we were in Mudbug. People could be hunting, poaching, practicing, shooting a lock off a shed door—”
“Is that why your shed door has a hole in it?” Ida Belle asked.
“Not relevant,” Gertie said. “Besides, that was a fluke.”
“So you didn’t go outside and look,” I said.
“I was naked.”
“That’s never stopped you before,” Ida Belle said and turned to Ronald. “What about you?”
“Being naked almost always stops me from going outside,” he said. “But I didn’t look because I didn’t hear anything. I had my earbuds in and Taylor Swift cranked all the way up. I’m thinking about learning to twerk so—”
“What happened after you got dressed?” I interrupted.