Chapter 5 #2
“That’s probably what Sister Mary Catherine thought both times you defrocked her,” I said.
“It’s a yoga retreat. It’s not like anyone is going to be disturbed by someone wearing a bodysuit.”
“I’m pretty sure seeing an old nun in a bodysuit would disturb most people,” Ida Belle said.
“Well, then it’s a good thing there’s no old people around.”
Ida Belle sighed. “I’ve got some more stuff in the SUV. I’ll be back.”
I grabbed my cosmetic bag before heading into the bathroom, which was the only room that held a mirror.
I wasn’t applying makeup, of course, but I had decided that the additional step of colored contacts was advisable.
Calahan had seen me up close and my particular shade of turquoise eyes wasn’t all that common.
Basic brown wasn’t interesting or memorable.
Ida Belle walked back in when I came out, and she gave me an approving nod. “Good call on the contacts.”
Fortunately, Gertie had finally donned her habit, so we no longer had to squint in the presence of the pink glitter nightmare. Ida Belle hefted a plastic bag on the desk and pulled out crucifixes and rosary beads.
“I figured if anyone dug through our stuff for any reason, we should probably have these,” she said. “I also swapped the plate on the SUV to one registered to a rental car company.”
“Nice,” I said.
“Where did you get it?” Gertie asked.
“Does that matter?” Ida Belle asked. “Fortune didn’t ask where I got it.”
“Because Sister Britney Ford would never question her elders,” I said. “How are you at voices?”
“Huh?” Gertie asked.
“Zion was one of the last people to see Eleanor alive. On the off chance that Carter shows up at the retreat to talk to him and we can’t duck out, I think it’s best if we slightly alter our voices—at least Gertie and me.
Calahan has heard both of us talk. I have no problem with it, obviously.
I’m trained to be most anyone. What about you, Gertie? ”
“I hadn’t thought about it, but it sounds like fun. I’m going to go with the grouchy nun from Sister Act.”
“Less grouchy, more Southern,” Ida Belle said.
“We’ll see.”
“Okay, let’s lock up our personal stuff and electronics in the secret compartment in the SUV,” I said before an argument could start. “Keep your phones but put them on vibrate. I really want us to appear to be out of the loop on modern society.”
“I have to admit,” Ida Belle said, “the one advantage of these outfits is so many places to conceal a weapon.”
Gertie nodded. “You could have a machine gun under here and no one would know.”
Ida Belle and I both gave her a nervous look as she skipped happily out the door.
“Surely she couldn’t skip…” Ida Belle said. “You know what? I don’t want to know.”
The retreat was buried deep in bayou country, but if I was being honest, the property was pretty.
Huge cypress trees dominated the grounds and aside from a small area around a building labeled Office and paths extending out from it, the land had been left uncleared.
A white Mercedes SUV was parked in front of the building with a sign indicating this was where we would sign in.
The lobby contained a small counter, reminiscent of the motel I’d just checked us into but a lot cleaner and with ten times the amount of light.
The inside was painted a soothing pale green and there were beautiful flowers and plants on the counter.
I’d already told Ida Belle to take the lead on everything as it would make more sense for the senior nuns to be handling things, so she strode up to the counter and rang the bell.
A couple seconds later, a man stepped out from an office. He managed to lose his what-the-heck expression quickly, but clearly, he’d been surprised to see three nuns standing there. However, his serene smile was plastered in place as he stepped forward
Midthirties. Five foot eleven. A hundred sixty pounds.
Lanky with decent muscle tone but not nearly enough muscle mass.
It was a body that would have looked great on a woman, but on a man, didn’t quite get the job done.
Threat level low unless you were a lonely, naive woman with a recent inheritance.
Despite all the negatives, I had to admit, he was very good-looking. Not at all my type, clearly, as I didn’t find men I could beat in an arm wrestling match attractive, but with his blue eyes, surfer-messy blond hair, and chiseled features, I could see the draw for normal women.
“Welcome to Synergy Wellness,” he said. “I’m Zion. Are you here for the flash retreat?”
Gertie put a hand to her chest. “We’re not required to flash people, are we?”
His eyes widened. “No! I’m sorry. I just call it that because it’s quick. You are welcome to wear whatever you’re comfortable in or whatever your beliefs require. We welcome all.”
“Good,” Gertie said, putting on a proper look that must have served her well as a teacher. “I’m still not sold on this whole spiritual enlightenment stuff, but Sister Eileen insisted. Some people believe in everything.”
The look of dismay on Ida Belle’s face was so profound, I struggled not to laugh. Gertie’s grouchy nun voice and demeanor were perfection.
“You’re a nun,” Ida Belle said. “Your entire existence is spiritual enlightenment.”
“There’s no yoga in the Scripture,” Gertie said.
Ida Belle sighed. “I’d think you could hold your tongue for once. We are here for Sister Britney’s benefit in her time of sorrow and despair.”
“We could have been spiritual and enlightened back at the convent,” Gertie said. “We’re nuns, for Christ’s sake.”
Zion sucked in a breath and glanced up, apparently afraid God was going to send lightning down from the heavens.
“The Holy Spirit is everywhere,” Ida Belle said. “And we needed to get Sister Britney away to clear her head. You’re welcome to Uber back if you’d like. They’re bleaching all the school bathrooms this week.”
Gertie pursed her lips. “Hmmmm. Maybe you’re not as foolish as I thought.”
Zion stared back and forth between Ida Belle and Gertie, clearly confused and uncertain how to take this conversation. Finally, I jabbed Ida Belle in the side.
“I’m Sister Eileen,” she said. “The one who talks too much is Sister Gerianne and this is Sister Britney. We have a reservation for the large cabin.”
“Of course,” he said, slipping back into business mode. “If I could just get a copy of your IDs. Are you wanting to pay by card?”
“Don’t believe in cards or interest,” Ida Belle said. “I’ll be paying in cash.”
“That’s fine,” he said as he took our IDs and made a copy of them. “If you’ll just sign here. That will be seven fifty.”
I wondered if I’d have to jab Ida Belle again for her to turn over the money.
I’d already given her the cash and told her the cost, but her outrage at paying two hundred fifty bucks apiece for a day and a half of what she dubbed ‘New Age BS’ was epic.
I had to agree with her. Two fifty bought a lot of ammunition, and the shooting range had never let me down when it came to decompressing.
She dug the money out of the purse Gertie had lent her for our adventure and counted it out on the counter. Zion stuck it in an envelope and placed it in a drawer from which he withdrew three keys.
“If you follow the path behind the office and take a right when it branches, your cabin is at the end of that branch.”
“How far is the walk?” Gertie asked.
“About a hundred yards,” he said. “I can bring your bags for you. It’s a pleasant walk and you’ve got plenty of time before our first session. I suggest you use the walk to relax and center yourself. It’s a very beautiful place and one that’s easy to escape into.”
“No one said anything about all this walking,” Gertie grumbled.
“I’ll help you with the bags,” I said softly with a bit of a drawl and averting my eyes when he looked over at me. “You shouldn’t have to carry all three.”
Ida Belle gave me an approving nod. “You’re always looking for acts of service, Sister Britney. The Lord will reward you.”
“Your corns should be rewarding her,” Gertie said. “Let’s get going. I want to get there before all that coffee I drank on the way runs through me.”
I showed Zion to the SUV and pulled out my overnight bag, leaving him Ida Belle’s backpack and Gertie’s massive suitcase. He looked at both of them as I slung my tote over my shoulder, clearly confused.
“Sister Eileen is old school and minimalist,” I said. “Sister Gerianne is always saying she should have been born hundreds of years ago. Sister Gerianne, on the other hand, has a bit of bling and modern to her. She likes street clothes, even though no one sees them but her.”
He extended the handle on the suitcase, and we set off down the path. “Are nuns allowed bling?”
I gave him a shy smile, then looked away. “We’re allowed to wear whatever we’d like under our habit. Most of us are very boring and discreet, but Sister Gerianne insists that’s one of the only areas where she’s allowed individuality, so she’s taking it.”
“She sounds like a bit of a character.”
“She is, but they are both so nice. I don’t know how I could have handled everything without them.”
“Sister Eileen mentioned they were here for you. May I ask why?”
“My aunt passed away. She was the only living relative I had left.”
“You’re so young—what about your parents?”
“They were killed in a car accident when I was eight. She raised me—even homeschooled me—until I was eighteen and could join the sisters. I’ve never wanted any other life.”
“I’m very sorry about your aunt and your parents. That’s a lot of loss to deal with at such a young age.”
I nodded. “If it were just the loss, I’d probably be okay, but it’s all the other stuff that comes with it that has me so stressed.
I don’t know anything about trusts and legal stuff, but I have to go to Florida and deal with it all next week.
Sister Eileen thought this retreat might help me to stay relaxed, but I don’t see how. No offense to you.”