Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
“Hide it,” I heard Blue Barbie say.
“Is everyone all right?” Carter asked.
I heard footsteps pounding toward us and Calahan yelled, “Where is he? He came this way.”
“What are you talking about?” Ida Belle asked.
“The man I was chasing,” Calahan said. “He would have come out of the woods right over there. You had to see him.”
“You must be mistaken,” Purple said. “The only people here are the three of us and the two sisters.”
“I am not mistaken,” Calahan ranted.
“Then you’re hallucinating,” Ida Belle said. “Because there’s no one else here. Maybe he turned off somewhere and lost you. I can’t imagine you’d be hard to outrun. I could probably do it.”
“I’ve about had enough—” Calahan started but Carter interrupted him.
“There was no one else here when we arrived,” Carter said. “And I didn’t see anyone come out of the woods.”
“Neither did I,” Zion agreed.
“This is bull—”
“Ah, ah, ah,” Ida Belle said. “I know you’re not about to curse in the presence of the Lord’s representatives.”
“I’m done with this crap,” Calahan said. “I’m going back to the main building. I’ve got a million scratches on me and they’re starting to itch.”
“You probably ran through poison ivy,” Ida Belle said.
“One can only hope,” Pink mumbled.
I heard Calahan stalk off and Carter sighed.
“What happened here?” he asked.
“Sister Gerianne said she was going for a walk to digest her dinner,” Blue said. “We were just getting up to leave with Sister Eileen when we heard the explosion and then Sister Gerianne yelled.”
“Are you okay, Ger—uh, Sister?” Carter asked.
“What?” she yelled. “Why are the church bells ringing? They’re so loud.”
“It blasted her eardrums,” Carter said.
“But what was it?” Purple asked.
Fortunately for me, Carter knew exactly what it was and who had caused it, but he had as much of a vested interest in keeping things a secret as we did.
“Probably someone fishing,” he said.
“You’re joking,” Pink said.
“I wish I was. Some people fish with dynamite. It’s illegal but that doesn’t stop them.”
“I’ve never—” Zion said. “There’s never been anything like that happen here.”
“First time for everything,” Carter said. “Do you want me to call the medic, Sister?”
“What the heck for?” Gertie answered, her hearing apparently returning. “I had indigestion. I came down here to clear it out without offending the rest of you. Don’t see any point in steaming up an ambulance.”
I struggled not to laugh at her obvious implication, then figured why not take advantage of the setup. I made a huge farting sound and everything went silent for a moment.
“This is what happens when you serve greens to old digestive systems,” Gertie said. “I feel another doozy of a round coming on, so if you gentlemen would be so kind as to leave me to it, I’m sure the ladies will see that I make it back in one piece and significantly less bloated.”
I struggled not to laugh because I knew if I started to shake, Gertie’s weak knees wouldn’t last and the jig would be up. Fortunately, Carter took the cue.
“We’ll leave you to it,” Carter said. “Zion…if we could head back to your cabin so I can finish up.”
I heard them hurrying away, but I needed to stay put until they were out of sight.
“Everyone hold position,” Ida Belle said. “I’ll be right back.”
At this point, I gave up my squat and shifted to all fours. Gertie, whose knees were clearly over it, sat promptly on my back.
“Are you okay down there?” Purple asked.
“Peachy,” I said. “As long as the good sister doesn’t really develop a problem with the greens.”
I heard them all giggling and then approaching footsteps.
“You’re clear,” Ida Belle said. “Get out and get back in the habit.”
“Can you guys help me up?” Gertie said.
A couple seconds later, I was relieved of my passenger and popped out from under Gertie’s habit. Purple, Pink, and Blue all stared at me as if I was a magician performing in Vegas.
“Do you have my habit?” I asked.
“Oh yeah!” Blue reached into a tote bag and pulled out the habit and passed it to me.
Gertie stared down. “You heard an explosion and you grabbed your tote before running to look?”
“It’s Gucci,” Blue explained and Gertie nodded.
“Oh my God, what happened to your hands?” Pink asked. “It looks like you’ve been crucified. Is this one of those horror movie things?”
I looked down at my hands and saw the dried streaks of blood across them and shook my head. “I fell in a patch of thorns and used my hands to protect my face.”
“Good call,” Blue said. “Makeup does not cover that sort of thing.”
Pink stared at me, her absolute confusion clear. “Did you fall because that idiot cop was chasing you? And why were you running from him? And naked? I mean, not naked, but you know, naked for a nun?”
Purple crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me. “You’re not really a nun.”
I shook my head, having already decided on my course of action while I was playing barstool. “I’m a private detective. The two good sisters are my assistants.”
Pink’s eyes widened. “You have nuns as assistants?”
Purple rolled her eyes. “They’re not nuns either. They’re undercover.”
“Oh!” Pink said, then frowned. “But why? Who are you investigating?”
“Since the cops are here asking about the death of his business partner, my guess is Zion,” Purple said. “Is there anything we need to know?”
“Probably nothing you haven’t already caught on to,” I said.
“We have reason to suspect that Zion takes advantage of women with his business practices. I came here posing as an innocent young woman who’d just inherited some real estate and needed to figure out what to do with it.
I went with cabins on an island in Florida. ”
Purple nodded. “You think he’s scamming vulnerable women into business deals that only benefit him. After I realized that Sapphire was actually the owner of this place, I figured his interest in me went beyond just collecting the fees for retreats.”
“I’d bet on it. With all of your properties, you’d be a winning lottery ticket to someone like Zion.”
She blew out a breath. “And we’ve played right into his hands with our whole discount-getting routine. He probably thinks I’m just a trust fund baby ripe for the taking.”
Blue bit her lower lip. “That cop—the idiot, not the cute one—said a woman died. Did Zion kill her?”
“It looks like a suicide,” I said, “but there are extenuating circumstances, and I’m attempting to get answers for her sister. But I’d appreciate it if you ladies kept this all quiet. If Zion even gets an inkling of who we are, we’ll be tossed out and get nothing.”
They all gave me earnest nods.
“Our lips are sealed,” Pink said. “If that man had anything to do with a woman’s death, even indirectly, I want him to go down.”
“Me too,” Blue said. “But I’m confused… Who caused the explosion?”
“Oh, that was me,” Gertie said. “I was creating a diversion for Sister Britney, who was off on a mission, so to speak.”
“Holy crap, you walk around with dynamite in your robe?” Pink asked.
“I usually carry a stick under my boobs, unless I’ve got my gun there.”
They all stared and then Purple gave me a curious look.
“That cute sheriff seemed in a hurry to get away,” she said. “I would have figured he’d at least ask where you were when he saw us all standing here.”
“Yeah, about that,” I said. “I might be engaged to the sheriff.”
Pink raised her hand and gave me a high five. Blue hooted and Purple smiled.
“It’s an election year,” I explained. “And with that idiot Calahan following him around, hoping to catch him doing something wrong, I can’t afford to get caught interfering with his investigation.”
“All your secrets are safe with us,” Purple said. “Just tell us how you want us to play the rest of the retreat and we’ve got you covered.”
“We’re all back to playing our roles,” I said. “The three of us are nuns and the three of you are playing dumb for discounts.”
Pink shook her head. “If women are getting killed, we might have to stop the shenanigans and pay full price. I can’t believe we’re caught up in a murder investigation, even if indirectly.”
We started back up the path, and I looked over at Purple. “Is there any way to find out how this property is held?”
“It’s probably in a trust if it was inherited,” she said, “and the trust documents wouldn’t be public, but I know a guy. Let me make a call. I buy so much stuff and ask that question so often, he won’t even bat an eye at it, and he definitely won’t tell anyone I asked.”
“I appreciate it,” I said. “Well, looks like this is our fork in the road. I assume we’re done for tonight?”
“We usually have a short meditation session after dinner to relax us for sleep,” Pink said, “but I think Zion is a little busy for all of that.”
“And not very relaxed,” Blue said. “I’m going to dead-bolt myself in my cabin and have a long hot shower.”
Pink nodded. “We’re going to need a spa day to recover from our yoga retreat.”
I pulled cards out of my wallet and passed one to each of the Barbies. “If you hear or see anything tonight that bothers you, call me.”
“I thought you didn’t have phones,” Pink said, then slapped her own forehead. “I keep forgetting you’re not really nuns. I need a drink. Thank God I packed that box of wine in my suitcase.”
“We’re only here overnight,” Blue said.
Pink raised one eyebrow. “Are you really going to question my judgment on that one given everything that’s happened today? I can offer up your share to the fake sisters.”
Blue clamped her lips shut and drew her fingers across them in a zipping motion.
We all smiled and I gave them a wave as we took the left fork in the trail and headed to our cabin.
“If I didn’t have some of Nora’s brew in my suitcase, I’d be following her for some of that wine,” Gertie said.
Ida Belle shook her head, then looked at me. “Well, that was something else. What the heck happened?”
I told them about my headfirst plunge out the cabin window and my dash through the woods to get away from Calahan.