Chapter 42 Taera
Taera
My face burns, and my ears roar as students cackle around me. My lips are still stinging from the brutal magic of not Nikolai. I try to stop the surge of emotion, but tears spill down my cheeks.
I back away but Jezebel blocks my path.
“What’s wrong?” She smirks. “I thought you wanted a kiss.”
I wanted something from her, but this—this is wrong. I try to retreat in another direction, but magicians are everywhere, blocking me, jostling me. I cover my face with my hands, fighting for air.
In a flash of silver, a dark figure is standing in front of me.
“What’s going on here?” Nikolai’s voice is low and unnaturally smooth. I know in an instant that he’s real, and I sag.
“She wanted a kiss,” Dominic replies. “So I gave her one. Bitch zapped me.”
I don’t see exactly what happens, only that everything flashes red and someone screams. Then Nikolai is standing over Dominic, who is splayed on the ground.
“No one wears my face.” Nikolai’s words are barely more than a whisper. His eyes are fixed on the conduit on the floor. Dominic whimpers, nodding.
“Taera,” Nikolai mutters, “you’re coming with me.”
I glance around at the students, some still smirking in my direction, some whispering or frowning at Nikolai. No friendly faces.
Wiping my cheeks, I follow him. It’s a walk of shame, with everyone staring as we leave. Regret claws through me. I’m dizzy, but too self-conscious to look up from my feet. When I stumble, a firm hand catches me.
“You’re drunk,” he accuses.
“No.” My glare wobbles, heat stinging my eyes again. I cover my face and another sob leaks out.
Nikolai pulls me down the hallway. At least… I think this is Nikolai.
My insides go cold, and I yank my hand out of his.
“What is it now?” he snaps, turning on me.
“How do I know it’s you?” I hiccup, then start crying again. This time I don’t even know why. I just can’t seem to stop.
Nikolai stares at me. “I found you in a village at the edge of the desert. You forced me to sponsor you as my personal source when we arrived, then promptly took off, wearing my sheets.”
“Okay, okay!” I flail my hands for him to stop, following him without another word.
Nikolai guides me around a few more corners and suddenly we’re arriving at his chambers. He steadies me when I trip my way through the door. Then he’s backing me toward the bed and seating me firmly upon it.
The glass walls spin around me.
“What did you expect?” His voice is harsh.
I keep hiccuping. I try my best to stop—I really do—but my chest shakes with sobs that won’t release me. My shame and anger and hopelessness—all of it presses down. I try to hide behind my hands so I don’t have to face the green-eyed magician. If I can’t see him, he can’t see me.
Nikolai sighs. “What happened?”
I can’t answer. I tried to kiss him. I crumple and continue to cry in shuddering, breathless waves, folding forward over my knees.
He sighs again, and I’m dimly aware of him unlacing my bracelet and then tying it again, one of the beads removed.
My silver dress—the one that feels so ridiculous now—tumbles back into comfortable blue robes that I can wipe my cheeks with.
“I’m going to sober you up,” Nikolai says, pulling off a glove. “Please take my hand.”
Did he really say please? I peek out between my fingers. He’s cross-legged beside me on the bed, his hand held out.
“I don’t want to.” I shake my head.
“You’ll feel better,” he says firmly.
“N—no I won’t.” I sniffle.
“Yes,” he says. “You will.”
I wince. “Magic hurts.”
His tone softens. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
“You don’t know that. You could have another nightmare any night, and…” I flinch away again, fingers drifting to my throat.
Nikolai stiffens and drops his gaze like he’s ashamed. “I’m sorry. That won’t happen again.”
I watch him warily. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t reach. He just waits.
So I inch forward, extend one trembling tear-wet finger…
…and poke his palm.
The rush of magic knocks the breath out of me. The dancing colors around the edges of the world snap away, along with the spinning, overwhelming emotions. I’m left lucid, even with tears still drying on my cheeks.
I clear my throat. “How did you do that?”
“You were drunk on an illusion. I removed it.”
“Oh.” My head is too clear to be this close to him, but he’s still watching me carefully.
“What did they do to you?” Nikolai asks, his eyes narrowing.
Everything floods back, and I scrunch my face. Jezebel tricked me; they all tricked me. Then they all laughed when I humiliated myself.
I shake my head. I will never tell him.
But if I don’t… someone else will. Jezebel, or one of the snickering bystanders. And his hearing it from them would be a dozen times worse.
I feel queasy, facing down the inevitable horror of having to tell Nikolai that I tried to kiss him. I wish I could down three more glasses of that silvery drink that makes everything feel serene.
“I—” I clench my fingers into sweaty fists.
“Did he force you?” Nikolai’s eyes flash, and he abruptly stands.
“No.” I shake my head, flushing. “No.”
He doesn’t sit. He doesn’t look away.
And the silence turns suffocating.
My heart pounds.
“Wh—”
“I thought it was you,” I mutter.
“Dominic?” he asks.
I nod.
His brow creases, and he looks genuinely confused. “And that upset you?”
I cringe. I touch my mouth, still tender from when my magic rejected the other magician.
Nikolai frowns. “Did he kiss you?”
My stomach clenches, but I give a curt nod. “I… wanted him to.”
He blinks, thoroughly perplexed now. “You wanted to kiss Dominic?”
I wish I would perish.
“I wanted to kiss you.”
Nikolai’s brows shoot up.
“I was drunk,” I mutter, scrubbing at my face. “Like you said. But then everything was wrong—my magic felt wrong—and it wasn’t you…”
Nikolai quietly curses.
“I’m so stupid.” I take a shaky breath. I tilt my head up to keep my tears from spilling over. I’m not drunk anymore. I’m done being emotional.
“Taera,” he says.
“Go ahead,” I mutter. “Laugh. Like the rest of them.”
He doesn’t. He just sighs and sinks back into a seat.
I won’t look at him. I don’t know how I’ll ever look at him again.
“It isn’t stupid to want to kiss someone,” he finally says. “Especially at a party. When you’re drunk.”
This kindness is a trap—ready to cut deeper as soon as I fall for it. But I won’t give him that satisfaction.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Nikolai continues. “Aside from going to that damn party.”
There it is. I knew he was ready to judge me.
“You’re a magician.” I spew anger like a shield of venom. “You’re a magician who hates me. And I hate you! So don’t pretend to care, after you’ve threatened and tricked and mocked me.”
Nikolai is quiet. “I’m not mocking you.”
My breath is coming quickly now. I wipe at my lips with my sleeve, trying to scrub away the residual painful evidence. “I can’t want you. It just—it wasn’t supposed to be like that.”
“What wasn’t?” Nikolai asks softly.
“My first kiss.” My voice is raw. “That’s supposed to be something special. But it was… I was…”
I scrunch my face up. He’s done it—he’s won. My vulnerability has cracked free and now he can use it against me. I try to laugh, but the result is warbling and shaky.
“Taera,” Nikolai says firmly, “what happened back at the party… that wasn’t your first kiss. That was just Dominic being a prick.”
If he’s going to tear me apart, why not let him shred me completely? I deserve it for ever letting a magician this close. “You don’t understand. You told me a kiss doesn’t mean anything to you. But to me—”
“I may have more experience, Taera, but it still means something,” Nikolai says. He lowers his hand between us, still clasping mine after I touched him. A soothing hum passes between our skin, and I blink at him.
Then Nikolai rises to his feet, guiding me up. I’m caught between him and his bed, with his hand still murmuring soft magic against mine.
Suddenly, I can’t focus on anything except his proximity. The air feels too warm, and this time it isn’t because of some intoxicating illusion.
“Would you like me to kiss you?” The real Nikolai isn’t grinning. He isn’t even smiling. His green eyes are serious and focused on me.
Shock ripples through me. I just study his face, searching for the trap, the trick, the cruel little smile.
But his expression isn’t mocking.
My heart leaps to a thousand beats a minute, and his lips part slightly. I remember he can feel every wild spike of my emotions, and I cringe. But he doesn’t smirk, doesn’t laugh. He just watches me, assessing.
My brain stops working, and my palm tingles against his.
A kiss doesn’t change anything. Not my determination to make it out of here, not his lies.
It’s just a single moment to take with me when I escape from these nightmare halls.
After that, I never have to see him again.
He’s giving me the chance to rewrite what happened tonight.
To claim it as my own. Or—my throat tightens—to ridicule me into oblivion.
But I’ve already admitted it to the whole school. Why not to him?
Swallowing, I nod.
“Are you sure?” he asks.
I hesitate, still searching his eyes for cruelty, but there’s only blazing emerald heat.
“Yes.”
Something in him changes. Darkens.
He tilts his face. My heart stutters, and I mirror him, lift my chin. Then he dips his head, and my eyes flutter closed. I inhale desert sage, but he doesn’t meet my lips like I’m expecting. Instead, I let out a small gasp when his lips graze my ear. Magic shivers through me.
“This is your first kiss, Taera,” he murmurs.
His fingers slide beneath my chin, guiding me, and then Nikolai is kissing my lips. He’s soft, his movements gentle.
My magic sings. I can’t breathe, can’t comprehend the warmth of his mouth on mine—slow and sweet and everything I’ve wanted. The kiss stretches for several seconds, leaving me gasping when we finally part.
When Nikolai presses a final, chaste kiss to my cheek, my breath is short and uneven. I’m quivering, my magic yearning for more, and my eyes open to him staring down at me. He’s open-mouthed, his own cheeks flushed. He exhales once, twice, before blinking, turning away.
“I have to go,” he says.
A hot iron is thrust into my chest, shattering my elation. I manage a short, “Oh.”
“I don’t want to,” he says, squeezing my hands before letting go. He must have felt my sudden pang of hurt. “But I have work to do.”
“You’re going back to the party?” I ask, deflating a little.
“Yes.”
“Those girls…” I say in a small voice.
“Taera,” he says, “you’re the only person I’m going to kiss tonight. But no one gets away with wearing my face.”
His words soothe a nervous, exposed part of me.
“Goodnight, Taera.”
“Night.”
As the door closes behind him, my fingers drift to my lips. They don’t hurt anymore, but my skin tingles with the echo of magic. I prepare for bed in a daze. My limbs are heavy with exhaustion, but my pulse and mind are still racing. I close my eyes and relive the moment over and over.
I just kissed a magician.
What was I thinking?
I should regret it. And I tell myself I do, but the way my spine tingles and sleep evades me says otherwise. I curl on my mat, press my palms to my eyes. After I leave this place once and for all, I’ll remember this night.
I’m always going to remember Nikolai.
It’s why he’s so dangerous.