Chapter 64 Taera
Taera
As we walk back to his rooms, I try to keep my breathing even.
I’m stuck between wanting to kiss the desert-damned magician on our last night together and simply swallowing down that terrible desire, which would be for the best. But it would also make me feel like a scared rabbit, afraid to take what I want.
I’m not the kind of person who just lets things happen without a say in the matter.
I’d rather be a courageous fool than let my fear control me.
I inhale determination and resolve that before we get back to his chambers, I’m going to tell him.
We continue walking while I search for the right words, and too soon we’re standing outside the obsidian door. I swallow. The hallway is too exposed. I’ll tell him what I want once we step inside.
Nikolai holds the door open for me. Instead of confronting him, however, my feet disobey me by wandering over to my sleeping mat. I sit and pretend to stretch, even feign a yawn, despite sleep being the last thing on my mind. What am I doing?
He looks thoughtfully at me. “Before I leave,” he says slowly, “there’s one thing I can offer you.”
My heart takes off like a startled bird. Breathless anticipation claws up my throat.
“If you like, you can stay here in my chambers while I’m gone.”
My heart plummets. I mentally slap myself for thinking, hoping, for something else.
“Thanks,” I make myself say.
“It would give you somewhere quiet to be alone, until you’re ready to move to the dormitories.”
The Halls must be laughing at me. It makes me uncomfortable even to think about staying in his chambers, pining over the memory of him. Desert forbid, sleeping in his bed. I grimace.
“No, thanks.” I look down at my toes. Once he’s gone, I have to move on. All of my shameful urges end after tonight.
“It’s our last night together, then.” Nikolai smirks.
“Right,” I say, as though I haven’t been thinking about it nonstop since he took me to see the night sky. Who does that—takes a girl to see the stars and doesn’t kiss her? If there’s a time for me to say something, it’s now. But I can’t make my mouth move. Frustrated, I bite the inside of my cheek.
“You’re staring at me,” he says.
“Sorry.” I look away.
“I don’t mind.”
I can’t stand this feeling of trying to speak and choking on my own words. Clenching my jaw, I force myself to think of something to say.
“What did the mirror do?”
He grins. “Everything I hoped.”
I can’t even be annoyed at him like I normally would be over his inadequate answer. Instead, I just sit staring at him like some stunned lizard. I clamber to my feet and rush to his bathing chambers.
I glare at myself in the mirror. I was terrible at not wanting him.
Now I’m even more hopeless at wanting him.
The way he turns me into a spineless nothing makes me furious.
I’ve spoken to him before, haven’t I? And I’ve seen a dozen girls throw themselves at him without a care in the world.
Huffing with envy, I splash my face with cold water to knock some sense into myself.
I attempted multiple fearless escapes, for the desert’s sake.
And now, just being near Nikolai, I can hardly speak?
It’s only one night. One night, and I’m gone from his rooms, and then he’s gone from the Halls.
Then I can move on from this reckless crush that I should have snuffed out from the beginning.
I grew up next to the desert; I can tell a stupid man I want to kiss him.
I brush my teeth, just in case.
When I reemerge, Nikolai is lounging on his bed, his usual book in hand. I step up beside him, and he glances up at me curiously.
“Yes?”
I try to move my throat, but it doesn’t work. The harder I try, the more firmly it clamps shut. Exhaling, I swallow. There’s only one course of action left.
Trembling, I extend a hand toward him. Excitement and nerves hum in my veins, layered atop my aching desire. Nikolai frowns at me but reaches out. His palm captures mine with a ringing jolt, and my heart spikes.
The magician inhales sharply, stiffening. I freeze, terrified I’ve made the wrong move—that my advances are unwanted. Because for him, it might all have been an act. Not real. Then, his gaze darkens. But he still doesn’t make a move.
“Please, say something,” I whisper.
“Taera.” Nikolai’s voice comes out rough, yet firmly controlled. “Anything we do, every touch… it’s your first.”
“I know.” I exhale slowly.
“I’m not someone you can fall in love with,” he murmurs, his brows pinching.
All of me quivering, I swallow. “Can we pretend, for one night, that I’m just another source?”
Slowly, he shakes his head. “No, not with you.”
My chest contracts, and I flinch away from him. I tug my hand, not wanting him to see my hurt, but he squeezes it and rises to his feet in front of me. He’s too beautiful. And he doesn’t want me.
“I would never have taken another source to my chambers, and would never have let another source sleep in my bed. Another source would know my reputation and know what I can’t give them.
You break all my rules, Taera.” He lets out a shuddered breath, his emerald eyes nearly black. “I would never be their first kiss.”
He hasn’t said anything, confirmed anything, but I can’t help but yearn for him and read into his words, into the way he hasn’t let go of my hand.
“I’m not asking for… sex,” I say, blushing. “I’m not ready to take things that far. But it’s our last night.”
“Our last night.” His eyes are fixed on me, blazing with intensity, his lips parted.
Slowly, I nod.
His voice is rough. “Did you have a plan in your head for how you want this to play out?”
Beyond kissing him, I have no clue what I want. I’ve spent so much time worrying about wanting him that I never really considered what might happen if he also wanted me. Nervously, I shake my head.
“Do you want me to take the lead?” His voice has lowered to a growl, and the room flickers with shadow and heat.
“Yes.” I’m sure he can feel the thrill of excitement climbing up my spine, my breathless longing.
Nikolai’s smile is wicked.
Then he lowers his lips to mine.