Chapter 84 Taera
Taera
I’m reeling, detached, as I stumble out the door and down the hall. Nikolai calls out something behind me, but I don’t turn around. I feel hollow.
The obsidian door reappears twice before I can clear my head to stop the hallway from looping. I concentrate on the dormitories, and my legs carry me there.
The glass door—the first glass I touched in this place—opens, letting me through to a hallway of gray stone doors. I didn’t think this far.
As though the Halls know what I need, I run into Annie.
“What are you doing here?” The redhead furrows her perfectly shaped brows, taking in my dazed expression. “Oh, are you—did he…”
“It’s fine,” I say.
“I’m sorry, Tae,” Annie murmurs. “How can I help?”
“I just need a room.”
“Last door on the left,” the conduit says. “Omi set up the bottom bunk for you weeks ago.”
I blink, faintly registering the thoughtfulness, and mumble a thanks. I head toward the door.
“If you need anything else…”
“No, thanks.”
“Alright.” Annie purses her pink lips but nods and leaves me alone.
I take a deep breath before opening the door, not ready to face anyone—even Omi. I’m grateful to find it empty.
It’s a simple room: two bunks, two desks of plain gray slabs. I don’t have anything to put in it. I didn’t bring the one textbook Nikolai gave me. And I won’t go back now.
I crawl onto the bottom bed—disoriented by the gray of the room instead of the white glass I’m used to—and though it’s only afternoon, the weight of emotions drag me down into sleep.
I drift in and out of oblivion. At one point I hear the door open and glimpse Omi, but I pretend not to be awake enough to notice them, and they eventually leave again.
I refuse to think about Nikolai and spend more painful feelings on him than I already have, so my mind circles around my family, back to Mom.
My throat feels thick, and my hand curls around the wooden pendant at my neck, wishing she were here. Knowing I’m the reason her magic was found is the worst truth I could have imagined. Nikolai shouldn’t have kept it from me, not when he knows how hard I’ve searched for answers.
But Ezran and Gramps never required those answers. They made their peace with what happened years ago. To tell them she could have been spared, to explain her sacrifice… it would reawaken all their pain and grief and drag them through it all over again.
It would be for my own guilt, not for them.
Mom carried the secret alone. I don’t think she wanted any of us to discover her sacrifice when she gave me the gift of protection, of freedom. Even when she gave her life for it.
I’ve always thought honesty is for the best. Before the Halls of Glass, before what Omi said to me, I wouldn’t have even considered not telling Ezran and Gramps. But I’m a magician now.
I can carry this in Mom’s place. Like the healer I want to become, I can spare my brother and grandfather the agony of knowing there may have been a way to protect her, to help her even after her magic was drained, to save her.
This is the way that mages heal: they take away pain.
* * *
I skip supper, not wanting to see Nikolai in the dining hall. I lose myself to sleep all over again.
The next day comes before I’m ready.
“Tae?” Annie’s tone is gentle but firm. “Come on, let’s get you some breakfast.”
I startle, sitting up in an unfamiliar room and a painfully empty stomach. I frown at Annie and Omi, and the latter shrugs apologetically.
“You’re in my dorms, and that means you’re my responsibility,” Annie continues. “You have to eat. Don’t make me pull you out of bed.”
I groan, dazed, but stumble down from the bunk before the conduit can touch me. That wouldn’t be fun.
Without Nikolai, how will I practice magic?
“To my room,” Annie announces, marching out the door with Omi and me in tow.
“Is she always like this?” I grumble. Omi smiles and nods.
Annie leads us to a set of chambers almost as grand as Nikolai’s. It’s round, with an arched ceiling, and the glass walls twinkle a pretty sunset-purple.
“Welcome to my place.” Annie waves her arms out.
A veritable feast is balanced atop a small table, with a surprisingly comfortable fluffy blue couch beside it.
Turns out, I feel better after oatcakes.
The nutty flavor reminds me of the kinds of treats Mom would make with Ezran and me on a rainy day.
My heart twists, and my hand lifts to the pendant, but my grief is tempered by the conviction that I’m on the path she would have wanted.
I’m going to take care of Ezran and Gramps.
My gaze wanders away from the food, and Omi catches my eye. They smile tentatively, and I give a small smile back.
My heart is still crushed, but at least I have friends.
“Do all conduits get their own rooms?” I ask after a few more bites. That doesn’t seem fair.
“Anyone can, if they find, trade, or steal one.” Annie winks. A magician’s answer. “So did you finally break your heart over Niko?”
I grimace. Sometimes Annie can be a lot.
“Annie…” Omi says.
Her brow furrows. “Am I being blunt again?”
Omi nods.
“Sorry.” She frowns. “But we still need to remedy this. Tae is not missing her first masquerade to mope over some conduit.”
The redhead begins pacing back and forth, while Omi and I remain on the couch. What does Annie think she can do—throw a different magician at me to make me forget about Nikolai? The idea is almost funny, if it didn’t hurt.
I glare at her. “I’m not going.”
“Maybe it’s a bit early…” Omi murmurs.
“No, the masquerade is tonight,” Annie snaps.
I grit my teeth. “Annie—”
“You need to show Niko he’s an idiot. He can’t just take Jezebel to the ball and get away with it. He needs to know what he’s missing.”
“He’s going with Jezebel?” The words slip out before I can catch myself. I shouldn’t care, but I do.
“If you don’t have a date, you’ll have to come with us,” Annie continues, like I didn’t even speak. “I’ll dress you.”
The word “no” sticks in my throat, but doesn’t quite come out.
I’m still aching from the sting of Nikolai choosing his obsession with the labyrinth over me, but learning that he’s taking Jezebel to the ball stokes a fire in my belly.
How could he? Whatever he needs from her—how dare he humiliate me like that by taking her, instead of me, and flaunt it in front of everyone?
I might understand his desperation to solve the riddles, but I can’t stand the idea of Jezebel’s smug smile as she hangs on his arm and pretends he belongs to her. I’m worth more than that.
I look at Annie. “I want a costume to rival Jezebel.”
Annie’s grin is a challenge. “I know what everyone is wearing. You want Niko’s eyes on you? He won’t be able to look away.”