Chapter 12 #2
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
The air is pregnant with the heat of his warning as he takes long moments to look back up at me. When he does, his gaze is dark and his jaw tight. “Excuse me? Do you want to repeat that?”
I hold his gaze even though I’m a little less brave than I was ten seconds ago.
“I said, you can’t tell me what to do.”
An electric current pulses through my veins at the narrow-eyed look he’s giving me. It wasn’t long ago I was pinned over his lap getting spanked, and it seems I haven’t forgotten that.
Slowly, he puts his phone down and rises. I’m still sitting, so the effect is something else. He’s taller than me by a lot when I’m standing, never mind sitting. Still, I will not cower. Not now. Not ever.
I lift my chin in the air as he stares me down.
My heart alternates between fluttering and thudding in my chest as I watch him walk to the door, his feet soundless on the carpeted floor. With one flick of his wrist, he locks it, then pulls out his phone and taps the screen.
“Lyam, are you back? Good. I’m done with the interviews and will send you my decision. I need some time to get some work in, and I’m asking everyone to leave me uninterrupted for the next few hours. Also, block off all access to the community room until further notice. Got it. Thanks.”
He tosses his phone on an upholstered chair, then faces me with his hands anchored on his hips.
“Now that we’ve got my calendar cleared for the day, and before I deal with that attitude, tell me what’s got you pissed off.”
I look away, my eyes filled with sudden tears. I don’t like lying and rarely do, but I don’t want to tell him the truth. It means admitting I’m jealous. Why did I let my emotions get the better of me?
I start when I feel him near me, his movements soundless on the carpet. Strong fingers grasp my chin and turn my gaze toward him. “I expect you to look at me when I’m speaking to you.”
I look into his eyes. I swallow, abashed. I can’t hide this from him any longer. I clear my throat.
“You keep acting like I’m yours,” I whisper.
“You keep telling me what to do. But it isn’t true.
I’m not yours. This is only a game. It’s only a role I’m playing because it’s the way you think will keep me safe.
But I…” My voice trails off because I’m not sure how to say what’s on my mind.
I haven’t had time to organize my thoughts, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.
“Ahhh,” he says softly. Do I notice a twinkle in his eye? Thayer’s eyes don’t twinkle. “I know what the problem is.”
“What?” I snap.
Shaking his head, he sinks into one of the plush chairs and points to his lap. “Come here, Savannah.”
“Why?” I ask, shaking my head. “I’m not yours. I’m only—”
His voice cuts like a whip. “Because I said so.”
I remember the threat of his closet, but we aren’t there now. I remember the threat of torturing me by not letting me come, but I can’t imagine he’d do that here.
“And you’ll punish me if I don’t,” I supply with mounting frustration. “Even though I’m not yours. Even though this isn’t—”
The snap of his fingers makes me start. “Now.”
I blink back tears as I walk over to him. I want to break through the wall that holds us apart. I want truth and honesty.
I want to be made vulnerable again. To know I’m safe.
I make my way over to him with more than a little hesitation. I don’t want to blindly obey him. I want to know what’s holding us back, and why.
So when I slide myself onto his lap, I cup his face in my hands. He might be the dominant, but that doesn’t mean that I have no power.
“Why, Thayer?” I whisper. “Why do you hold yourself back? You’re not afraid of Fabien. What are you afraid of?”
He looks intently into my eyes. He doesn’t push me away.
“Are you jealous?” he asks curiously.
I won’t lie to him. I nod. “Riddled with jealousy,” I whisper.
“I hated hearing them call you sir. I hated listening to them serve you. I’m not a violent person, and I wanted to poke their eyes out.
” I draw in a shuddering breath before I release it.
“I know what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough.
And watching women like that audition for you didn’t help my cause. ”
His hands cover mine. He slowly drags them from his face before he kisses each palm and places them on my lap.
I don’t expect him to open up the way he does.
“My father died in a fire,” he says.
I blink in surprise. I didn’t expect him to respond to my question, and definitely not with something like this. While he talks, he strokes his thumb over the top of my hand.
“Many would say my father was not a good man. But he was loyal to his family and good to my mother and he raised me and my brothers to be fearless and resilient. He taught us that the measure of a man is not the rules he plays by but his adherence to the rules. He taught us to be hardworking, loyal, and fearless.”
I listen, giving him space to tell me what he needs to.
“We were in a warehouse. I tried to get to him. I broke the windows with my bare hands and couldn’t reach him. I watched as the roof collapsed, knowing he was gone.”
“Thayer—”
He puts a finger to my lips. I kiss it and listen.
Oh, God. A lump rises in my throat and I swallow it down. This isn’t my tragedy but his.
“I don’t do commitments, Savannah. I don’t do relationships.”
It all makes sense. Why he owns a club where he’s in charge but only dabbles in whatever it is he craves. Why he doesn’t have a long-term relationship and likely never has. Why he pushes me away, only to draw me back to him.
He fears that if he loves someone, he will lose them.
My heart squeezes, as I feel my own fears begin to dissipate.
“It’s not that I don’t want this with you,” he says, holding each of my hands in his.
It’s that he wants it so badly and fears losing me.
I matter that much to him.
He’s pushed me away from day one, but I know why now.
Some might say that admitting fear makes him weak. That he’s less of a man. I don’t see it that way, though, not at all. Thayer is honest and transparent. He demands the same from me and has the integrity to hold himself to even higher standards.
“I know why I’m here,” I tell him. “But I’m not leaving. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want this… whatever this is.”
Holding my hand in his, he kisses each fingertip, one by one. “You don’t want to pretend.”
I shake my head and whisper, “I don’t. I’ve never been… into giving up control.”
He nods. “I understand. Savannah, when a strong, capable, intelligent woman like you submits to a man like me, I feel like I’m on top of the world. It doesn’t make you weak. It takes an act of great strength to submit. It means you trust me.”
That’s why he wants this. That’s why he craves it. Though he fears losing someone he loves, he still wants to know he’s trusted.
And God, I want to do that for him.
“Oh my God, this is amazing.”
His eyes twinkle. Yup. They definitely twinkle.
“It all fits together like pieces to a puzzle. The yin to the yang!”
“Jesus, you’re fucking adorable when you get excited,” he mutters.
I give him a look. “Thayer, let me have my moment. I’m psychoanalyzing you. I’m an armchair—” I look down, “lap shrink.”
“Savannah.”
“All this time, I was thinking I just wasn’t good enough, until these hot little hussies with those ridiculously huge boobs, which are implants by the way,” I explain.
“Savannah,” he repeats, sterner this time and hell do I love when he says my name, “hush now.” I close my mouth.
A feeling of calm washes over me when I realize how good it is to have him tell me something, to lean into that.
It’s why the command of his voice and his sternness make my heart throb in my chest. Because it’s deeply, deeply erotic.
He pulls me close. “Il n'y a nulle part je préférerais être qu'ici avec toi.”
My heart turns. There is no place I’d rather be than right here with you.
I run my hand along his jaw, feeling the rough stubble along my skin. I lean closer to him. His hands span the small of my back as he pulls me closer to him. I’ve gone through so many emotions just during this conversation, my heart feels as if it’s going to explode.
Thayer Gerard, the sexiest, hottest man I know and master of this club… wants me.