Chapter 14 #2
I told him about my mother. How she did her best but was detached and overwhelmed much of the time.
How I’ve never even celebrated my own birthday.
How we bought my clothes secondhand and the kids at school made fun of me.
The memories I have of visits to the food pantry and the church ladies bringing us Christmas dinner.
I told him about the betrayal and why I made the choices I made. But the thought of telling him I’m actually related to the one man who’s trying to destroy everything...
“Lyam.” My voice sounds hollow and empty. “We have to talk.” My heart clenches in my chest and I feel sick to my stomach. I bite back bile as it stings the back of my throat. It burns and leaves me no choice but to stop speaking.
“You okay?”
I cover my mouth with my hand and shake my head.
He leaps to his feet. “Pain?”
I shake my head again.
“Nausea?”
I nod. He reaches for a small bottle with a prescription the doctor gave me, but it’s too late. I fly out of the bed and into the bathroom and make it just in time.
When I’m done, I’m spent and exhausted. Weakened, I lay my head in my hands. Again, he’s with me and again, I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to handle this as he gathers my hair up and places a cool washcloth on my neck.
“You’re so strong,” he says gently.
Is a man like him capable of real, self-giving love?
“I’m so proud of you for putting up with this for the sake of our baby. You’re a good girl, Cosette.”
My heart warms, even as I war with my thoughts and fears.
People who love me leave.
If I leave first, I won’t have to go through that again.
What if I have this baby with him, only to find out later that he’s going to leave? And after getting my hopes up and depending on him? It isn’t just me I have to worry about now, but our child.
He isn’t safe!
But he protected me and will protect our child. Is safety overrated?
He brought weapons into a hospital!
Does he know any other way?
He threatened people. When they get in the way, he hurts them. How can I raise a baby with a man like him?
Then I remember how he was with the children, the way his eyes danced, and how I knew right then, deep down in my soul, that he’ll make a good daddy. He may have battle scars, but I know he’s actively working through them.
That doesn’t solve my biggest dilemma though.
If he finds out who my father is, he’ll think I betrayed them again.
How will he ever really love me when he knows?
I brush my teeth and hair and freshen up, but I’m still shaky.
Of course I’m not in cahoots with Montague. But will he jump to the worst conclusions?
“Back to bed with you,” he says in that authoritative way that makes my heart squeeze. I don’t want to lose this, his protection and fierce loyalty. Having someone I can depend on. Someone strong enough to lean on.
I want to believe this is real.
I want to believe that he really loves me.
What is love, anyway?
“I have to investigate a few things today. The fact that Rousseau is dead isn’t good.
I’m an asshole for taking you with me yesterday.
” He shakes his head and squeezes his eyes tight a moment before he opens them again.
“I should’ve made sure you were safe and never should’ve taken you to talk to her. ”
“I’m fine,” I reassure him, giving his hand a squeeze. “Remember? Dr. Martin said I’m fine.”
“But fuck, Cosette, if they’d attacked while we were at the warehouse—”
“Did they?” I ask pointedly.
“No.”
“You have secure locations, and that’s one of them.
You brought me with you there because you knew it to be safe.
She wasn’t killed there because it was safe, and we both know that if you’d been anywhere else, you would have feared that someone would’ve hurt me.
You know that you’d have done literally anything in your power to protect me. ”
“Of course.”
Lyam needs to make peace with the fact that he can’t wrap me in foam wrap and ensure that no one, ever, hurts me or our child.
“Then stop beating yourself up already.” I shake my head.
Turning to me, he gives me a hint of a smile before he shakes his own head and lifts the covers. “You’re the only one who gets away with talking to me like that.”
“Good. Then things are as they should be.” I smile, but it feels forced. I haven’t put to rest my fears, or my deep-seated need to flee when things get good, because getting closer to him and having my hopes dashed will destroy me. I can’t let them. I can’t let him.
Lyam is distracted.
“Lyam?”
My heart begins to beat faster with nerves. This time, I’m not sure the rolling nausea is related to hormones. “Lyam, talk to me. What is it?”
“Here,” he says, still a million miles away. He hands me a mug of steaming tea that smells minty. “It’s that tea that helps.”
I sip it gratefully, my heart warming.
He knows what I need. He meets my needs.
I reach for his hand and give it a squeeze. He kisses my fingertips. Even when he’s troubled and hurt, he softens when he’s with me.
I want to do that for him. I want to be that for him.
He doesn’t answer me at first, only sits beside me and lifts my hand to his mouth. He kisses my fingers, one by one.
“How are you feeling?” he asks softly.
Something feels off. I can’t put my finger on it. Something is unsettling and discouraging.
But when he kisses me again, my heart melts and my protests thaw like snow under rain. When his tongue licks mine, I moan and sink further into the bed, my arms encircling his neck as he continues to ravage me.
Soon, my body is heated and flushed with the need for more.
“Come here,” he says with a sad but wicked smile.
I tell myself he’s troubled by what happened. I tell myself he doesn’t like this any more than I do. He fights his demons and I fight mine.
We stop talking. He undresses me and pays particular attention to kissing my shoulders, the undersides of my breasts. He licks my nipples and strokes them while nudging my knees apart.
“Please,” I beg, my arms around his neck, begging for the only thing that will give me comfort and consolation—being closer to him.
He holds my gaze as he glides into me. I sigh at the feeling of being completely full, completely connected to him.
“I love you, Cosette,” he says softly. A rush of emotion chokes me. I swallow the lump in my throat.