Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Brian
“Do you want to have sex on the beach?”
Brian looked up from where he was sitting on the couch, reading one of the books that had been available on the shelf, and resting.
Rae had had another burst of creative energy and needed to write some things down.
Even though she’d asked him a question, she hadn’t looked up from whatever she was writing.
Dinner was an hour away, and most of their friends had gone to their own rooms to rest after the busy day.
The island heat really made everyone want to nap. Or have sex. Could be both.
“I hadn’t really thought about it,” he replied, closing his book with his finger between the pages to keep it in place. “Other than it might be risky.”
Which was the truth. Was there something appealing about the idea of having sex outside where they might be caught? Absolutely, just like there had been when they’d hooked up in the cabana, far too close to where their friends had been.
On the other hand, he was planning on telling his friends when they got back home, anyway. Tomorrow was their last night on the island. Would it really matter if anyone caught them?
Hm. He should probably mention his plans to Rae.
“Were you planning on telling anyone we hooked up while we were here?” he asked. This time, it was her turn to raise her head and meet his gaze. It was probably something they should have talked about before they hooked up, but they had said they weren’t telling anyone while they were here.
He thought. His memory of their negotiations was a little hazy, even if his memory of how hot the sex had been was still sharp.
“Yeah, but not until after we get home,” she admitted. “I’ll only be able to keep it from Domi for so long before I spill.”
“That’s basically how I was feeling. Plus, once we get home, it won’t matter as much. If they bug us about it, we can avoid them a little more easily,” he joked.
Rae laughed.
“Speak for yourself. Domi and I might not live together anymore, but she’ll still show up on my doorstep if she thinks it’s warranted.”
“I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that with anyone.” Brian chuckled. His friends didn’t care that much about his love life. Thankfully. He’d much rather they didn’t. “They’ll let me know they think it was a dumb idea, but hey, it turned out okay, so no harm, no foul.”
“Just okay?” Rae teased, and he winked at her.
“The week has been all right.”
She snorted and dropped her head down again. Brian watched her for a moment, just enjoying having her there and seeing her at work. While he did wonder what she was writing, he didn’t want to interfere with her process. Opening his book back up, he had just found his place again when…
“Would your week be better if I called you ‘Daddy’?” Her head was still down, all of her focus appearing to be on her work, yet there was a note of vulnerability in her voice that tugged at him.
Still, he couldn’t lie to her.
“Yes. That’s my preferred title with a sub.
” He lowered the book to his lap, though he kept it open this time rather than closing it.
She looked up at him, and though her expression was blank, he was pretty sure he saw the same vulnerability he’d heard in her voice reflected in her eyes.
“But that doesn’t mean my week hasn’t been fantastic.
It has. I’m not exactly glad you got kicked out of your villa, but I am glad things worked out the way they did. ”
He really was. He wouldn’t trade this week with her for anything.
It was a small taste of what he’d been craving, what he’d been fantasizing about.
Now that he’d had the reality, hopefully, it would be a little easier to let go of the fantasy.
Even though the reality had been pretty great, too, in his fantasies, she had always called him Daddy.
It was the one thing he wasn’t going to get in reality, something that had been driven home this week.
“It’s not that I don’t want to give you want you need. It’s just that… it’s literally one of the biggest turnoffs I can think of. I’d rather let you pee on me.”
Brian choked on laughter, despite the little pang that went through his chest. The expression on her face made it clear that she did not have good feelings about being peed on. It made her aversion to calling him “Daddy” pretty clear. There was one thing he could reassure her on, though.
“I know you’re not just being stubborn about it, even if I don’t completely understand why you feel the way you do. But that’s okay, I don’t have to understand. We all want what we want.” Which was basically kink in a nutshell.
People wanted—needed—certain things, and those things didn’t always align with what their desired partner wanted and needed.
It just meant they were incompatible in that way, no matter how compatible they were in others.
Unfortunately for him and Rae, this appeared to be a deal breaker on both sides.
“It’s just… I have a Daddy. And yes, I still call him that.
I mean, I didn’t for a while when I was in middle school, then I realized sometime in high school that I was still Daddy’s little girl, no matter how old I got, and that when I called him Daddy, I usually got what I wanted.
” She flashed a smile at Brian. “He’s an amazing dad, and I would never want anyone to think otherwise. ”
“And you think someone might?”
“I think a lot of people assume that subs who want Daddy Doms have ‘daddy’ issues.” She put the pen down, her gaze sliding around him now rather than meeting his eyes directly, which he understood. It was a bit of a touchy subject, but he wasn’t insulted.
For some babygirls or subs into age play, that was part of it. For others, it wasn’t. Rae wasn’t wrong that people who didn’t understand the dynamic also made assumptions.
“Does it matter what those people think?” he asked. Rae had never struck him as being overly concerned with what others thought. At least, not strangers. She only cared what those closest to her thought, or so it had always seemed to him.
He certainly never got the impression she’d ever cared what he thought until this week when they were forced together.
“Yes and no.” Rae tapped the pen against her lips, hesitating.
“It’s not just that, obviously. I really can’t imagine calling anyone but my dad ‘Daddy.’ But even if I could, there are a lot of people who also make assumptions about black men.
My dad is amazing. I don’t want anyone thinking I have ‘daddy’ issues, then using that to feed their stereotypes, even if my dad and I would never know.
I hate the idea of it. So, that just kind of firms up the whole not calling anyone else ‘daddy’ thing. ”
Huh.
Brian had never thought about it that way.
He’d never had to think about it that way.
That wasn’t something he’d ever have to deal with since he was neither black nor submissive.
Sitting back against the couch, he let the implications really roll over him, and…
he could see her point. That didn’t mean anyone had to make the same choice as her, but since she already had a reason not to use the ‘Daddy’ moniker, he could see how societal expectations would back that up even further.
Damn.
So much for thinking she might one day be willing to try.
He hadn’t even realized he had that little tendril of hope until it died. Damn, he really needed to accept that this was not going to continue after this week. This conversation was helping a bit.
“Why do you want to be called Daddy?”
It was the first time she’d ever asked him that question.
Another time, in the past, he might have put her off or given her his usual answer about how he liked to take care of submissives completely and how caretaking fulfilled a need in him…
but she’d given him a very real, raw answer, and he wouldn’t do her the disservice of providing less.
“Because I have Daddy issues.” He gave her a crooked smile when she blinked in startlement, mouth dropping open slightly in surprise.
She didn’t seem to know whether to laugh, probably because he wasn’t really joking.
“And mommy issues. My parents were… not great. They were in and out of rehab a lot, but nothing quite managed to stick. My mom tried, at least, but my dad left us when I was six. My mom tried to keep things together for a couple years, but she ended up losing custody of me when I was eight.”
“I’m so sorry.” Rae’s brown eyes were even wider than normal, and they were shiny with tears. Which was why he didn’t usually talk about this stuff with anyone. He didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him. He was fine now.
“Thanks.” He rubbed his thumb against the pages of the book he was holding, which helped ground him a little. “Anyway, I went to live with my grandmother. My mom’s mom. So, she could have come to visit me there, but she never did.”
His grandmother had tried to tell him that it was too hard losing him, too painful for his mom… but he’d known the truth. If his mom wanted to, she would have. She’d just cared about the drugs more.
“In a lot of ways, it was lucky. I don’t know what happened between my mom and my grandmother or why my mom ended up the way she did, but my grandmother took great care of me.” He shrugged one shoulder, though it didn’t shrug off all the memories.
The way he’d hoarded food at first until he’d realized there was enough, and he didn’t have to.
The way he’d cried when he’d gotten an allowance for the first time.
The way he’d started being able to sleep at night because there were no more strange people coming into his home and yelling at his mom after she’d locked him in his bedroom to keep him safe. He hadn’t even been able to defend her.
Not that he would have been able to do much at eight, and logically, he knew that, but sometimes he still felt like he should have at least tried. It was one of the things he worked on with his therapist.
Rae got to her feet, and every muscle in Brian’s body tensed before he managed to make himself relax.
He knew his initial thought, the little part of his brain that said she was about to walk out the door because of…
whatever reason she might have, was illogical.
Yet he couldn’t suppress the initial fear.
He’d never needed to worry. She practically threw herself at him, curling up on his lap and wrapping her arms around him in the biggest hug she could give him. Brian hugged her back, letting out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding.
“I’m glad your grandma was good to you and you were taken care of, but that still sucks,” she said fiercely into his chest, her voice slightly muffled by their positions, but he heard her clearly enough. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
He hugged her tightly for a moment before relaxing his arms—not letting her go, but not squeezing her anymore. The bands around his chest felt like they’d loosened under the warmth of her acceptance. Her weight in his lap made him feel more settled. Calmer. Reassured.
“Anyway. So, I have what my therapist calls ‘abandonment issues,’ but I call 'daddy’ issues. Maybe some mommy issues, too.” He chuckled, making it into a joke, even though it wasn’t really funny.
Sometimes, humor was the easiest way to deal with his past. That and ignoring it—two of his favorite coping mechanisms. “I really have always been a caretaker, but I think part of what drew me to it was wanting to take on a role I didn’t have in my life. ”
A parental role versus a Daddy Dom role was different, of course, but there was some overlap.
His therapist pointed out that it gave him a sense of control, even beyond what kink might normally.
Daddy Dom roles tended to seep into daily life rather than being confined to the bedroom, and that was a big part of what he liked about it.
“That, and this way, you get to control the relationship in a way you didn’t get to with your parents,” Rae said, inadvertently echoing his thoughts.
“What are you, my therapist?” he asked, poking his fingers into her sides and making her gasp before she started giggling uncontrollably, squirming to try to get away from the tickling. Of course, the squirming had an immediate effect on his dick, which should have been anticipated.
“I’m just saying!” She laughed, relaxing when he stopped tickling her, his half-hard cock rubbing against the curve of her ass where it rested against him.
They might have time for a quickie before dinner…
“Abandonment also comes with a desire to control the relationships you’re in. It makes sense.”
“I guess.” It probably did, but introspection was not always his favorite thing. Especially when he had the delightful weight of a beautiful submissive on his lap and half an erection. “Are you done with your writing?”
“Yes, why— Ah!” Rae shrieked as Brian launched them both upward, his arms and hands sliding into place to hold her against his chest and lift. Her arms came around his neck, holding tight as he got to his feet with her held tightly against him. “Warn a girl before you do that!”
“Where’s the fun in that?” he asked with a grin, glancing at the clock as he turned her toward the bedroom.
“Brian! We don’t have time!”
They were running out of time, which was why they had to make the most of it.
“We have enough time for a quickie.”
It turned out that hot, hard, quick sex was just as good a distraction coping mechanism as laughter. Maybe even better.