Chapter 16 #2
I let out a low laugh as I remember those awful months a couple of years ago, when I would wake up every night crying because of recurring nightmares where people were constantly leaving me.
“I had to pick up double shifts every week and lived off of ramen for months to be able to afford it with my crappy insurance but I did it because I couldn’t live like that anymore. And it helped. The nightmares went away, and I got to a much better place.”
I close my eyes and lean my head on the headboard. Maybe it’s good that Troy is wolf-shaped right now. Sifting my fingers through his fur is incredibly soothing, and I can get the whole story out without interruption.
“I have abandonment issues,” I admit. “My dad left my mom when she told him she was pregnant. She was a great mom, the best I could have asked for, but she passed away when I was fourteen.” I pause, then add, “She was killed in a hit-and-run by a drunk driver on her walk back from work. I was sent to live with my grandparents on my father’s side after that.
They didn’t even know I existed, but my dad had moved out of the country by then with his new wife and family, so my grandparents took me in.
Never let me forget I was a burden, though, and that they were doing me a favor in keeping me instead of sending me away to a group home. ”
I grimace, remembering those lonely years.
My grandparents wouldn’t let me out after school because they thought I’d ‘turn out to be just like my hussy mother, getting pregnant at eighteen,’ and I had no social life because I’d been the weird poor kid who moved there from out of town.
I didn’t know anyone, and high school was horrible.
“I left as soon as I finished high school, got a job, and have been on my own ever since,” I tell Troy quickly, wanting to get the story finished.
“You can imagine the jobs I worked weren’t that great, but I couldn’t afford college, and my grades weren’t good enough for a scholarship of any sort.
I had a couple of boyfriends, two of them serious, or so I thought.
Both left me after they realized I was too clingy for their taste. ”
I finally open my eyes and swallow down any lingering impulse to cry. I’d shed enough tears for those men who promised me things they didn’t want to deliver on. Who thought I was fun to hang out with but didn’t want to commit to what I’d always wanted for myself—a safe, stable home and a family.
“And that’s what you need to know about me,” I finish lamely.
“I was hurt when you ran away instead of talking, Troy. And if you’re going to ghost me at every sign of trouble, I don’t know if I can do this.
I know you went through a lot. I can feel it.
” I brush over his scar again. “But I’m telling you right now that I can’t do this thing where you’re only with me halfway.
You either want all of me, or none. I don’t know how things work for wolves, but… ”
A shimmer of magic, and the wolf in my lap transforms into a very naked, very large man. He scrambles backward until he can sit up and looks me dead in the eyes.
“We have good insurance,” he blurts.
I blink at him. “What?”
“You can go to therapy again,” he says. “If you want to, I mean. There’s no rush. But if you’ll stay with us, we can get you on our plan and you can get more help.”
My throat closes up, so I swallow thickly. “Y-you’d do that for me?”
Troy takes my hand between both of his and rasps, “Yeah, honey. We’d do pretty much anything.” He leans down and kisses my knuckles. “Sorry I ran out on you. If I knew how much that hurt you, I wouldn’t have done it.”
I search his face for any sign that he’s just saying this to placate me, but he’s so earnest, so serious, that I know he’s telling me the truth.
“Okay,” I say. “That’s good.”
He closes his eyes for a moment. “I want to tell you what happened.”
I know immediately he’s not talking about today’s events. “You don’t have to. Not yet. We’ve only just met, and I understand that trauma can be difficult to talk about. We can do—”
But he’s already shaking his head. “I want to. Now that I know your trigger, I’ll be able to take care of you better. And I want you to know mine so you don’t take things personally if I…” He clenches his jaw. “If I’m not the best mate to you at times.”
I squeeze his fingers, then crawl closer to him, unable to stay away when he’s so forlorn. “You are the best mate, no matter what. Okay? You don’t have to be perfect to be perfect for me.”
His lips twitch up in a ghost of a smile. Then he pulls me to him quickly and settles me in his lap, his chin resting on top of my head.
“Better,” he rumbles. “Everything’s better if I’m touching you.”
I kiss his naked chest. “I agree completely.”
He shifts my weight around, then settles me so his half-hard cock rests against my thigh. “Ignore that,” he instructs me. “With how close the full moon is, I’ll be hard for you most of the time.”
My cheeks flush with heat, but I do my best to follow his order. “You don’t have to tell me everything today. But if you’d like to start, that would be great.”
“I was born near here,” he begins. “My mother lives not far from Clearwater.”
“Yeah, I remember you saying that. You were on your way from her house when you found me, weren’t you?”
“That’s right.” Troy hugs me close to his chest, his arms warm bands around me. “My parents had me quite late. They were true mates, but they only met each other in their forties. They didn’t know if they were going to be able to have kids, so I was a surprise baby.”
I grin, trying to imagine baby Troy crawling around, chewing on furniture. “They must have been very happy.”
“They were,” he agrees, sadness creeping into his voice. “So much so that I felt…smothered as a teenager. You know? They wanted to do right by me, of course, but I was a little shit who knew best.”
I wince in sympathy. “To be fair, I think most teenagers are little shits who think they know best.”
Troy chuckles, but he doesn’t loosen his hold on me, so I know the story won’t be so pleasant from now on.
“A pack came through town,” he tells me softly.
“They were visiting one of the festivals the witches put on for the supernatural community. The summer solstice, I think. Their alpha was a real tough guy. Charismatic. Everyone in his pack looked up to him, and he had two beautiful mates who doted on him.”
A low rumbling starts in his chest, a growl so menacing, I’d be terrified if it was aimed at me.
I don’t know if he’s angry with himself or that alpha, but I wrap my arms around his chest and stroke his back until he quiets down again.
Pressed as I am against his chest, I hear his heartbeat slowing down until it settles in a steady, calm rhythm.
“You wanted to be like him?” I prompt him, sensing that he needs it. “Did you join his pack?”
Troy nods. “My parents tried to warn me. They saw the signs that I missed.”
I tip my head back and meet his gaze. “The signs?”
He grimaces, his expression full of disgust. “He was compelling them. Using his alpha commands to keep them in line. In public, at least. In private, he liked to let them have an illusion of free will, but everyone was too afraid of him to try to leave the pack.” Troy’s eyes darken at some distant memory.
“One of his mates tried to run away after she got pregnant. Didn’t want her kid to grow up in that toxic environment.
He tracked her down, beat her up, and brought her back. She nearly lost her baby.”
I cover my mouth with my hand, my eyes filling with tears. “That’s horrible.”
“Yeah.” Troy scrubs a hand over his face, weariness descending over him.
“That was the night I challenged him. I’d been living with them for several years at that point, unable to get away.
He kept me pinned with his commands, but after what he did to Sonia, I jump-started an attack I’d been planning for months. He still nearly killed me.”
His big body is all tense now, so I rub his shoulders and chest, wishing I could do more. “But you won?”
He gives me a curt nod. “I muzzled him. Gagged him so he couldn’t use his alpha voice on me. Or anyone else so they’d be forced to help him. He was strong, though, older and a better fighter than me. Ripped me half to shreds before I tore out his throat.”
A jolt goes through me at his confession. He’d killed a man. A dangerous, violent, abusive bastard, but still—a person.
And I know that this is the reason why Troy is suffering so much. Not because of the physical injuries done to him but the knowledge that he did what he must consider an unforgivable thing.
“You saved those people, didn’t you?” I ask softly. “They were finally free after he was gone?”
He nods. “Yeah. They were free.”
“Then that’s a good thing. You did what you had to. It’s not like you could have called the cops on the guy, right?”
I wonder if there is a supernatural police force that serves the magical communities.
“No cops,” he agrees. “The packs police themselves. The witches do, too.”
I purse my lips thoughtfully. “That doesn’t sound like a good system. Did that make you the pack’s alpha?”
Troy relaxes against the headboard, drawing me with him.
“It did. But the pack was too broken to stick together. I let everyone go, and they were all too happy to disperse.” He traces his palm over my back, up and down.
“I stayed in touch with Sonia. She lives in Texas with her kid, and we see her at big supernatural gatherings sometimes.”
“Wow.” I put my head on his chest and yawn. “You saved them. Her and that child.”
“I know,” Troy says. “I talked all this through with Carter and Sebastian, and in a more limited way, with my mom.”
“And your dad?”
Troy lets out a long exhale. “He passed away while I was with that pack. Never got to meet Carter or Seb.”
“Ah.” I listen to his heartbeat for a long moment, wondering how to phrase the next question. “Do you think you should go to therapy?”
He snorts. “Not exactly easy to find a doctor who wouldn’t have me committed if I told them I was a werewolf.”
“There have to be supernatural shrinks out there.” I push myself away from his chest to look him in the eyes. “We can find one for you if you’d like.”
He stares at me for a long moment. “Okay, but only if you go, too.” He motions between us with his hand. “Not at the same time, but you know what I mean. This can be a group project.”
I take his face between my hands and kiss him. “Deal.”
Troy wraps his arms around me again and pulls me close, then kisses me deeply, exploring my mouth. It’s a different kind of kiss, born of understanding and a new closeness, but it quickly turns filthy, especially when Troy’s cock kicks to life underneath me, poking me in the thigh.
I’m about to suggest that we should have a repeat of what we did on the couch when my stomach grumbles loudly.
Troy breaks the kiss and glances down at my belly, then winces.
“We’d better feed you first. If I start on you now, I might not let you go for hours.
And just when you explained to us all that you need breaks.
” He stands and offers me his hand. “Come on. Carter and Seb are probably climbing the walls by now anyway.”
I take his hand and let him tug me to my feet, then glance down at his erection. “You might want to put on a pair of pants, though. It can’t be comfortable walking around with that sticking out.”
He grins, his handsome face brightening. “You’re going to have to get used to this. Unless I’m cooking or chopping wood, I like to go naked this close to the full moon. Otherwise, I go through way too many t-shirts and pants.”
I swallow, wondering how I’ll be able to keep my hands away from him. “Okay. I can deal with this. Yeah. No problem.”
Troy’s smile grows, and he stalks closer to sniff at me. “You don’t have to pretend that you hate it, Emma. I can smell your pussy getting wet, remember?”
“You have to stop saying things like that,” I complain. “I need rest and food. I’m a weak human.”
He laughs, and the sound hits me right in the chest, spreading warmth and happiness. He takes my hand, opens the bedroom door, and guides me down the corridor.
“Not weak,” he tells me. “Just untrained. Now come, Sebastian has outdone himself again, I just know it. We’ll feed you, and then we’ll show you what your body is really capable of.”