Chapter 20
RIVER
First Emerson.
Then Mathew.
Was it weird that her skin was crawling?
River woke up fidgety, even though she’d ended the night on a good note with Mathew. She’d forgiven him. And she’d meant it. But that didn’t erase the fact that she’d been hit with old memories that made her feel small and insignificant.
Mathew cared about her. That’s what she had to keep telling herself. Even as she’d been fighting the tears. She should have been grateful that he’d stopped by to talk to her in person.
In fact, she was absolutely grateful because it meant she’d been able to wake up without worrying about him. It had been harder than she’d wanted to admit—the not knowing.
River took in a deep breath and closed her eyes to center herself before getting back to work on Lily’s truck. It had required more than an oil change. It needed a top-off of other fluids and the tires rotated. Since River was working on her own, it took a little more time.
She hadn’t seen Emerson since their argument. It was ironic that his absence was hitting her hard today since she hadn’t been hanging out with him as much lately. One day of everything feeling off was enough to make her want nothing more than to have someone to talk to.
He walked past the door of the hangar, but he didn’t stop to speak to her.
River nearly went after him to apologize for what she’d said but thought better of it.
If she talked to him, then she’d end up telling him about last night and the last thing she needed was to have her friend tell her he’d been right.
Grunting, she yanked off a tire and rolled it toward the back of the truck. It used to be easier to get lost in her work. Now, she couldn’t stop thinking about the people in her life and whether she was at risk of losing them.
A wave of nausea threatened to overtake her, all because of this new onslaught of anxiety. At least she’d be able to spend time with Mathew this weekend. He had to work a shift every night this week, but on Saturday, he was only on call. That meant hanging out at one of their apartments.
Drawing a small amount of peace from that knowledge, she kept working. Mathew would call her on his break. They’d get back into their routine again and everything would turn out okay.
Only she couldn’t be more wrong.
“What do you mean you have to work a double shift?” River hated the edge in her voice.
She paced in front of the truck and chewed on her thumbnail as she spoke to Mathew on the phone.
“You’ve already put in extra hours this week.
Saturday was supposed to be on call. I thought we’d be able to spend at least a little time together. ”
“That’s what on call means, though. I’m supposed to be available if they need me.”
She closed her eyes. “I know that. I just thought…” River bit back a groan of frustration. “Never mind. I understand.”
“River—”
“No, it’s fine. This is part of your job. I know you’re not taking on extra shifts just because.”
“Do you?”
Her spine went ramrod straight at his question.
He’d asked it with a gentle voice, but the undercurrent of the question made her uncomfortable.
Mathew didn’t trust her to tell him the truth.
That was what he was suggesting. Or he was getting irritated with her clingy behavior.
Either way, she hated it. “Of course I do.”
“I can try to find someone to take the second shift,” he offered. “But I can’t promise it.”
River swallowed. This was where she usually pretended she didn’t care. “Don’t get in trouble for me,” she said, even though part of her wanted to say the opposite. She knew he was needed at the hospital. It was part of the job.
Ugh. Why had she always been this way? Letting her insecurities get in the way of relationships.
Or maybe it wasn’t just her insecurities? She deserved to be treated with respect. And Saturday wouldn’t have felt like such a big deal if he hadn’t already left her hanging once this week.
A pause. “River?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she snapped, then grimaced immediately after and softened her tone with a sigh. “Yeah?”
There was a long pause. Then he sighed as well. “I’ll see you for sure on Sunday. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” After they said goodbye, she hung up the phone and remained in her place, staring at nothing in particular as she went over what had just happened.
Everything was fine. She had merely let her history and insecurities get the better of her.
It wasn’t like Mathew was reverting to old ways.
She’d be able to tell if that was the case, right?
River refused to be a bad girlfriend. She wasn’t the type to demand extra attention. All she wanted was communication and to be made a priority when it came to relationships. He couldn’t help it if his job needed him. And he’d apologized for not calling her when he had to stay late.
Even though she spent the rest of the evening giving herself a pep talk, she still couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt off. There was a chance it didn’t even have anything to do with Mathew at all.
Everything she’d started to like while living in Copper Creek was beginning to turn sour, and she didn’t know how to fix it.
It might be time for a change.
One question plagued her as she came to this conclusion.
If she left, would she be running away? Or would she be in her rights to look for greener pastures?
The distinct sound of a quiet engine and tires rolling over gravel reached her ears as she was finishing up the work on Lily’s car. She pulled a rag out of her back pocket and wiped her hands on it as she moved toward the door.
People came and went from the farm more often than not, so it wasn’t a surprise that someone was there. What surprised River was the who. Usually, it was Rose or her sisters who were running errands. Occasionally, Mathew came to help his cousins, but usually he came to spend time with her.
It was Mathew’s sister who exited the vehicle. She was a petite woman who it seemed mostly wore business attire. Mathew had once told River that his sister was a therapist in town and that occasionally she lent her services to the equine therapy program out at Shane Owen’s place.
River watched the blonde woman exit her sleek sedan, walk around the side of the car, and retrieve something from the front seat. It was a brown box with bags inside. She glanced over at River and gave her a little wave.
All River could do was flash her a smile. They were aware of each other, that much she knew. There was no telling how much Mathew had told his sister regarding the woman he was seeing. River hadn’t spent a lot of time with Penny. They weren’t exactly at that phase.
But why couldn’t they be?
She’d been spending more time with Mathew. She’d let him in. It wasn’t unreasonable to want the rest of his life to overlap with hers a little more—to feel included instead of tucked away like a secret he hadn’t decided what to do with.
The thought made her uneasy, because it meant she wanted something. And wanting things had never been safe.
Up until she gave in to Mathew, River hadn’t wanted anything serious. No roots. No ties to anyone but Skye.
Things had changed.
And that was why she was so on edge.
She didn’t like it.
Not one bit.
“Hey! River, right?”
Startled, River met Penny’s eyes. No longer was the box in her hand, but instead, she held a to-go container. Penny beamed up at her. She was a few inches shorter than River—and that was saying something, because River wasn’t exactly tall. “Yeah,” River replied.
Penny’s hazel eyes were the same shade as Mathew’s, and it was unsettling to see a such a familiar version of him looking back at her from someone else’s face.
Penny let out a small laugh. “Okay, either you’re having a rough day, or you’re trying to decide if I bite.”
River blinked a few times, then forced a nervous laugh. “Sorry. It’s been… a day.”
Penny nodded like she understood. But how could she?
Unless she’d talked to her brother.
Heat flared in River’s chest, and it must have shown, because Penny’s expression shifted—more careful now. “Hey. You okay?” Her voice softened. “You want to talk about it?”
“Not particularly,” River said, guilt threading through the anger. “I’m sure Mathew has mentioned enough.”
Confusion lit Penny’s face. “Mathew?”
“I’m assuming you two talk.”
Penny’s blank look melted into humor. “Uh, no. Mathew doesn’t do… feelings. Neither of my brothers is very good at that. At least not with me. And even if they did, I doubt they’d want to confide in me about their relationships. Too scared that I’d psychoanalyze them.”
Something about her easy, unoffended tone had River’s shoulders loosening despite herself. It also stirred a dangerous kind of curiosity. What would a therapist say about the way River automatically braced for people to leave her? She’d never been wanted.
No. She wasn’t going there. Not with Mathew’s sister standing in the driveway holding lunch like this was any other Tuesday.
As if Penny could hear the internal back-and-forth, she said gently, “If you ever need to talk to someone, you could come to my office. Sometimes the first step is the hardest.”
River actually considered it.
But only for a heartbeat.
Then she shook her head. “I’m fine. Just… working through some stuff.”
Penny’s expression stayed soft. “You don’t have to do it alone.”
River nodded, even though the words landed too close to the bruise.
Penny shifted the container in her hands. “I don’t mean to pry.” She hesitated, like she was choosing her next words with care. “It’s just… when Mathew went through his divorce, it hit him harder than people realized. He didn’t talk about it much, but—”
Divorce.
The word punched the air out of River’s lungs.
For a second, the world went oddly distant, like sound had moved underwater. Mathew had been married. He’d been divorced. And he hadn’t told her.
Penny’s face changed the instant she saw River’s expression. “Oh.” The word came out quiet. “River… I assumed you knew. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
River managed to blink. Managed to stand there without falling apart in front of Mathew’s sister.
Penny’s grip tightened on the lunch container. “Jason insisted I bring food for everyone,” she said quickly, like she wasn’t sure what to say after practically dropping a bomb on River with just one sentence. “And he wanted to include you too. Turkey clubs on sourdough. I hope that’s okay.”