CHAPTER 41
Kaya
I hung out with Sophia and Hannah for a while before just needing time to myself.
Church has been going on for over an hour, but it seems like there must be some serious stuff going on.
I’m sure they’re discussing the reason behind the sudden lockdown as well as whatever is behind the two groups going into church at different times.
I know when Maverick finally walks out of that room, we’re going to need to have an actual adult conversation about our situation and I’m scared to death that he’s not going to be on board.
“I think I’m going to go lie down for a little bit.”
“You feeling ok?” Sophia asks.
“Yeah, just tired.” I lie.
I stand, and so do they. Sophia gives me a hug as Hannah rubs my arm. “It’s going to all work out,” Hannah says with a grin. I want to believe her, but my pessimism is leading the show right now.
A door slams open and we all turn toward church. Cipher marches toward me with his eyes narrowed wearing an angry scowl. His body is tight and fists clenched. He’s one of the most laid-back guys in the club so this is very out of character for him.
He leans in entirely too close to me. “I bring you in and now they’re giving you my job. I hope you’re fucking happy,” he spits.
I open my mouth to speak, but before any words come out Maverick is tossing him back. “Are you out of your goddamn mind? You don’t talk to her like that!”
Cipher stumbles, but regains his footing and lunges forward toward Maverick.
He charges shoulders first, but Maverick moves to the side and grabs him around the neck in a sleeper hold.
The rest of the brothers emerge quickly moving in.
Flip and Rebel take Cipher from Maverick and drag him out the front door with Ace and Deuce on their heels.
“What in the hell was that about?” I ask.
“A lot going on.” Maverick answers simply. “Come on.” He drapes his arm over my shoulder and guides me back to his room.
I sit down on the bed while Maverick goes to the bathroom.
It feels like there is a rock in the pit of my stomach.
I’m so damn nervous about how this is going to go.
I blow out a breath trying to calm myself.
My hands are shaking. I try to open and close them to relieve the tension but it just keeps building the longer he stays in the bathroom.
I meet his eyes the second the door opens. He pauses before sitting down next to me.
“I shouldn’t have left you yesterday.”
I don’t know what to say so I just turn to him. I take in his deep blue eyes as he gazes at me, waiting for a response.
“I thought you would come back,” I whisper.
“I did, you were already gone. I started on my way back to the clubhouse afterward but ended up over at the river instead.” He takes my hand. “I just didn’t know what to think and I needed time.”
“Because you think I’m only with you because of the baby…” The words hang in the air around us like a dirty secret being told for the first time. He stares down at the carpet, his large hand still holding mine. I watch him as he breathes in and out sharply.
“Are you?” he finally asks.
“Jesus, no! I have never wanted to fall for a man. I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship.
This would all be so much easier if I didn’t have feelings for you.
I can raise a child, I know I can. I make good money, I have friends, and while I hardly know anything about raising a baby, I know I can learn.
I’ve spent my entire life learning to do things I’ve never done before.
I started having feelings for you months ago and it scared the shit out of me, so I fought it.
I tried to convince myself that it was just the sex, the familiarity of being with the same person over and over, but at the same time, I knew it wasn’t. ”
“You scare me too,” he whispers. “You have the power to destroy me, to break me in a way I never thought was possible.”
Silence creeps in and we just sit in it.
It feels like an eternity passes when I finally get up.
He watches me as I kneel down in front of him.
His hair is falling forward as he gazes down at me.
I reach up, cupping his bearded face in my hands preparing to lay everything on the line.
“I love you. I never thought I would ever say those words to a man, but it’s true.
I love you so much that the thought of living without you hurts to the point of physical pain. ”
He looks back and forth between my eyes. I don’t know if he’s searching for a hint of a lie, or just taking me in, but I stop breathing. Waiting for him to say something is nearly killing me.
“I don’t want to be a father.” The words feel like a gut punch. I just stare up at him, still not breathing.
I suck my top lip between my teeth, trying to hold back the tears. I pinch my eyes closed and push off of his knees to stand up. I pick up my sweatshirt from his floor and turn to him. “I need my keys.”
“No.”
At this point the hurt starts turning to anger. “Yes, goddamn it. I can’t stay here with you if that’s how you feel.”
“You didn’t let me finish.” He stands and comes toward me. I stare at the door because there is no way I can meet his eyes.
“I meant, I never wanted to be a father. I didn’t have one.
I was raised in the club from the time I was fourteen, and while Phoenix was kind of like a dad to me, it was more like being raised by your buddy.
I was allowed to drink, smoke, have sex, and no one made me go to school. It wasn’t… normal.”
I sigh. “What are you saying?”
“I’m not good at any of this, Kaya.”
“And I am?” I scoff, crossing my arms in annoyance.
He clasps my wrist, pulling my arms apart, tugging me into him.
“Don’t,” I whisper as a tear escapes my eye.
“I love you too.”
I finally look at him, our eyes connecting, but more than that, our souls do too. It’s like I can feel it. I can feel the heaviness of our bond, and it’s fucking wild and new and terrifyingly beautiful all at the same time.
“The baby?” I question, my voice breaking.
He nods, bringing his hand to my face. “When I heard the heartbeat, something changed in me. We did that. We made something that already has a heart. It’s so fucking scary, but I want to figure it out…with you.”
I fall into him. His arms instantly wrap around me, holding me, kissing my hair, and rubbing my back.
The relief that washes over me is so overwhelming that I let go and let a few sobs loose before tamping it down.
I move my face back and forth wiping my tears on his shirt before looking up at him.
What I find nearly shatters me all over again.
His eyes are glassy, pooling with their own tears. He swallows hard.
“I’m so sorry I left you after what happened.”
“I know,” I whisper. “It sucked.”
He chokes back a laugh. “It did, and I was wrong. I felt like such an asshole for doing it, yet I couldn’t face you. The whole thing was all my fault. That motherfucker hurt you, because of me.”
I shake my head, ready to deny him responsibility, but his finger comes to my lips.
“I vowed to protect you and I left because I was bored, not because I needed to, not because I had any real reason to, and you got attacked by someone after my club. That’s on me.”
“I left when you told me to stay. There was also no reason I couldn’t have just waited for you to get back, but the bottom line is, it was that asshole’s fault.
He did it, and I’m ok. You made it in time and saved me.
” I reach up and pet his beard, caressing his chin gently.
“Let’s just promise not to do anything stupid like that again. ”
His forehead leans against mine and he smiles. “Promise.”