If i get to remember loving you
—SAGE
She’s running.
My lungs burn with a cold I can’t explain, and my wings feel like a heavy parachute dragging behind me. We’re not in the meadow anymore; we’re in a frozen forest that twists around us.
I can’t see her face. I can barely make out the shape of her through the trees.
“Stop!” My voice cracks, but the sound is swallowed by the wind whistling through the branches. “Just stop so I can help you!”
She’s so close, and yet miles away. I catch flashes of dark hair, the curve of a shoulder, but every time I reach for her, the ground beneath me stretches.
“Is that why you’re here? Do you need my help?”
She continues her sprint through the woods.
“Please. I don’t know why I’m here!” I shout.
She stops. The mist swirls around her ankles as she begins to turn. I see the edge of her jawline, and then a fine, shimmering dust begins to fall through the canopy, coating the dark in gold. The moment it touches my skin, the dread in my bones simply… vanishes.
The woman is gone. I’m alone in the clearing now, and the screaming in my head quiets into a low thrum.
The forest shifts around me, skeletal branches smoothing into the familiar warm greenery of my meadow.
Panic leaves me, and in its place is peace so complete it makes me want to melt into the moss and never get up.
One by one, I forget the snow, the dark hair, the name that was resting on the tip of my tongue.
I wake up to crickets chirping. For the first time in hours, the pressure behind my eyes is gone. My mind feels still, like a lake after a storm. I roll over, and the sheets catch on my wings. Eden’s watching me from the edge of the mattress.
“How long was I asleep?” I ask.
Her bloodshot eyes meet mine.
“You’re awake!” she exclaims. “You’ve been sleeping for over thirteen hours.”
I brush a stray lock of her hair from her forehead.
“I feel… incredible. The noise in my head is just gone.”
I stroke my thumb over her cheek; she doesn’t smile or lean into my touch. She just watches me with an unreadable expression.
“Did you… did you dream about anything?”
I search my mind, trying to remember, but there’s nothing.
“Just darkness.” I sit up, my wings stretching lazily behind me. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You were restless for hours. Tossing and turning, mumbling things I couldn’t make out. So I finally used the tincture Therael brought, and you went still almost immediately.”
I reach for her, wanting to pull her back into the warmth of blankets, but the moment my fingers brush her arm, she flinches. I can scent her uneasiness. The rejection stings more than the headache ever did.
“Eden, did I do something to upset you?” I murmur. “I swear I’m telling you the truth. There was nothing in my dream. Just peacefulness.”
Her eyes search mine.
“I know you think you’re telling the truth. I can feel your sincerity, Sage. It’s loud and clear. But I can also feel something else.”
There’s nothing else. It’s only her. It’s only ever been her.
“Remember how the Horsemen said that our bond didn’t seal fully? Do you think… this is why?” she asks, tears welling in her eyes. “I can’t help but feel like I’m already losing you to something I don’t understand.”
My heart feels like it’s cracking.
“No, Saevúra.” I pull her into my chest and wrap my arms around her.
“You’re not losing me,” I murmur into her hair. “How could you lose me when I’ve been yours since the moment I woke up?”
“But the visions–”
“Are just visions. Fragments of something that doesn’t matter.” I tilt her chin up, forcing her to meet my eyes. “Whatever Therael’s tincture did, it cleared my head. And the only thing I’m thinking about is you.”
Her lip trembles. “You really don’t remember what you were dreaming about?”
I search again, trying to pull something, anything, from the darkness. But there’s just a vague sense of darkness and peace.
“No,” I admit. “But if it was important, wouldn’t I remember?”
She doesn’t answer, just stares at me with those wide, green eyes.
“Eden.” I frame her face with both hands. “The bond didn’t seal because of me. Not you. Maybe I can’t fully bond with you until I understand who I am. What I am.”
“And what if understanding who you are means…” she trails off, but I hear what she’s not saying.
What if you belong to someone else?
The thought is absurd.
“There is no one else,” I say firmly. “There can’t be. You’re my soulbond, Eden. Without you, I wouldn’t have woken up. The bond will seal. It’s only been nine days since you woke up. We just need time.”
“We have three days,” she whispers.
“Three days?”
“Death gave us three days to figure out why the bond isn’t sealed.”
“When was this?”
“What do you mean? It happened right before you fell asleep.”
My stomach drops.
I don’t remember any of that. The last thing I recall is Therael leaving and crawling into bed with Eden. Everything after that is just gone.
“Last night?” I repeat.
She nods, her brow furrowing. “Yeah. Kaeran tried forcing his way inside.”
My hands drop from her face. “The Horsemen were here? In our house?”
“You don’t remember any of it?”
“Did I keep you safe?”
She tenses. “Sage—”
“Answer me.” My hands move frantically over her body. “Did they touch you? Did they—” My breath stutters. “Did I let them get close?”
Her fingers curl around my wrist. “You didn’t let anything happen. You stood in front of me the entire time. Nook also helped.”
“Promise me. I need you to promise me.”
What kind of mate am I?
“I promise. You were incredible, Sage. Ashán took over the moment War stepped toward me. Your wings flared, shielding me. The floorboards erupted into a jagged protective circle around us. I have never felt safer.”
I wish her words comforted me. But they don’t.
“This is a problem. I don’t remember any of this,” I choke out. “How can I protect you if I can’t even remember? What if next time I—”
“Vaelí, I need you to breathe. You’re spiraling.”
“Of course I’m spiraling, Eden. I lost time.” My claws drag through my hair.
“What if next time I don’t remember how to protect you?” Vines twitch at my feet. “I cannot lose you again, Eden.”
“Again?”
“I don’t–” I shake my head. “I don’t know. It just… came out.”
“It came out for a reason.”
“Therael. We’ll go find Therael. Right now. He gave you the tincture; he has to know why this is happening. He has to fix this.”
“And if he can’t?”
“Then I’ll stop taking it.” My jaw sets. “I don’t care if the migraines come back. I don’t care if my head splits open from pain. I’m not losing this, Eden. I’m not losing you for a few hours of peace.”
“But the pain–”
“Will be worth it if I get to remember loving you.”
The air shifts as Therael materializes in the kitchen, his halo spinning rapidly.
“We need to talk,” I rasp. “Right now.”
Therael’s expression doesn’t change. “I know. That is why I’m here.”
“Did you know that that dust would make me forget?”
“Of course, Sage. That is why I got it for you.”
“Why in the heavens would I ever want to forget, Therael?”
“Because your visions were debilitating you.”
“I haven’t heard Ashán since I woke up, and I don’t remember the Horsemen breaking into the house.”
Therael goes still, his halo screeching to a halt.
“Wait—no. That is not what the whils?mn? does.” (Dream dust) He shakes his head. “It only softens the visions. Are you saying that you are losing time?”
“Yes,” I bite out. “I don’t remember anything after you left last night. Eden said that Kaeran tried barrelling into the house, and Ashán took over and protected her. I don’t remember any of it.”
The pale blue light in his eyes dims. “That is not… possible.”
“It’s true.” Eden steps forward. “I sprinkled the dust over Sage after The Horsemen left.”
“The whils?mn doesn’t work that way,” Therael insists. “It’s meant to ease the visions, so they don’t—”
“Don’t what?”
“Sage, believe me, if I could tell you, I would,” he says. “I have tried. My brothers and I are bound. Something intercepts my words each time. I even tried writing it; the paper burst into flames before I could finish a single sentence.”
He grabs me by both shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes.
“If there was any way that I could make this right for you… I would have done it already.”
“Try again!” I snap. “Tell me anyway. Carve it into my skin. I don’t care how you do it.”
His grip tightens on my shoulders. “Sage–”
“I don’t care what it costs you. Let it burn. Let the words twist. This is Eden we’re talking about!”
“I have,” he says hoarsely. “More times than you can possibly imagine.”
“What does that mean?” Eden breathes.
Therael’s gaze flicks between us. “I’ve told you already,” he continues. “In every way I can manage. Spoken. Written. Implied.” His halo stutters. “And every time… something takes it before it can reach you.”
My stomach twists. “Then what do I do?”
Therael’s jaw clenches. He struggles to form the words.
“There’s a —” His throat seizes. He tries again.
“The one who—” His mouth continues to move, but no sound comes out.
He slams his fist against the wall, and Nook shudders in response.
“Someone is interfering,” he finally manages, choosing his words carefully.
“Someone with enough power to block even divine speech. To twist fate itself until the—”
“One of your Six?”
“If it were that simple,” he says quietly, “this would already be over.”
A chill crawls up my spine. “How can something be more powerful than a god?”
Therael’s gaze shifts somewhere past me. “When you find out, let me know,” he sighs. “That would mean I could break my own.”
“You’re cursed,” Eden blurts out. “That’s what I could feel the first time we met.”
Therael goes still. He stares at Eden like she’s reached into his chest and pulled out something he never thought anyone would be able to touch.
“What did it do to her?” She presses on. “What did it do to you?”
A low hiss comes from behind Therael’s back.
“I cannot discuss this. I have to go. I will be back.”
He disappears into a tornado of leaves, and in his wake, a cascade of deep pink roses tumbles to the floor, their stems coiled like serpents.
“We have to find him, Sage. Did you see his face? Therael!” she yells as she runs out the back door. “Therael, please don’t leave when you feel like this.”
“Therael, come back!” I shout.
“Sage, I’m really worried about him.”
I scan the perimeter, sending out roots to feel for him. “He’s gone, Eden. I don’t know when he’ll be back.”
“Did you hear that hiss? And the stems on the roses were serpents? That can’t be a coincidence. Do you think he could be a snake shifter? We’ve never actually seen his other form.”
“Damon mentioned a third eye. I don’t think he’s a snake shifter.”
“Could she be a snake shifter? His mate?”
“I don’t know, mí’aelvára. I know nothing about his mate.”
We’re all trapped in the same web. Therael and his mate. Me and Eden. The Horsemen searching for theirs. All of us are tangled in curses we aren’t even aware of.
Eden’s hand finds mine. “We’ll figure it out.”
“I can’t feel Ashán.” My wings twitch anxiously. “He’s always there, Eden. Even when he’s quiet. I can sense him lurking in my mind. But now there’s nothing.”
“I can still feel him.” She rubs her hand over her heart.
“What if he never comes back? What if that part of me is just… erased, like the Horsemen?”
Vines wind around my legs.
“Sage, he isn’t gone. I promise,” she murmurs.