Chapter 8 Cutter
Cutter
As soon as I came out of the locker room and saw Toni standing there among the other parents, I knew something was wrong.
It wasn’t like my aunt didn’t come to visit.
She spent Christmas with us, along with some other holidays, and we went to her place in Boston during the summer.
I liked going to visit her. Being in the city was nice, and Toni lived at the top of an apartment complex with a view overlooking the harbor and downtown.
Toni being here now was different, though.
My mom always told Nova and me when Toni was coming to visit—mostly so we’d help her clean or make sure our rooms didn’t look like disaster pits.
She was always worried about how Toni saw us, for some reason, which didn’t make much sense to me, considering they were best friends.
My best friend was Flinn Langston, and we were nothing alike, which worked for us because we never had to compete against each other. He was into skateboarding and snowboarding, while I was into basketball and baseball. For whatever reason, our friendship worked well.
Though I was close with most of my teammates, I only confided in Flinn.
I trusted him to keep my secrets and not steal my girlfriend, Eleni.
A couple of my teammates liked to flirt with her, which pissed me off.
My mom said as long as Eleni didn’t flirt back, I should ignore the other guys for the sake of the team.
I didn’t always agree with my mom, but I did listen.
I followed Toni out of the gym, staying a couple steps behind her.
There had been a time in my life when I called her “Ant Toni” instead of “Aunt Toni” because I thought it was funny since her name was Antonia.
I didn’t remember when I started calling her just “Toni,” but I knew it had hurt her feelings.
She wasn’t really my aunt. And the grandma she’d referred to earlier was her mom—no relation to me whatsoever.
Nova and I didn’t have any family except for our mother, and now I was pretty sure something was wrong with her.
As we approached the car, the back window went down, and my little sister stuck her head out. “Cutter!” She waved like we hadn’t seen each other this morning.
“Hey,” I said as I opened the back door.
“Do you want to put your bag in the trunk?” Toni asked. Without giving me the option, she pressed the key fob and opened the trunk. I walked over, put my bag in there, and then slammed the lid shut. Nova opened the back door and moved over for me.
“Grandma’s here,” she said as she pointed to the front seat. Toni’s mom turned and smiled at me.
“Such a handsome young man,” Carmela said.
I rolled my eyes but gave her the crooked smile I knew she loved. With her here, I thought I’d play it to my advantage. “Grandma, Toni won’t let me drive.”
Grandma’s eyebrows went up, but Toni shook her head. The tension in the car was thick, and I’d probably made it worse.
“Not tonight, Cutter.” Toni sighed heavily as she shut her door.
Yep, something was definitely wrong. There was no snark from her. No promise of being able to drive later or Brendan coming up to take me driving. “Where are we going?”
“To see Mommy. She has a boo-boo.”
I rolled my eyes at Nova’s baby speak. “Talk like a big girl, okay?”
Nova nodded.
“What’s wrong with our mom?”
“Cutter, you were right. Your mom hasn’t been feeling good, so she’s in the hospital for the night.
We’re going to go see her. She misses you and Nova,” Toni said as she put her car into drive and pulled out of the parking spot.
Through the side mirror, I watched my high school fade into the dark abyss of nothingness and wondered if I would be back tomorrow or the next day.
Toni turned the volume up on the stereo, and Nova sang along to some pop song.
I knew the words but couldn’t recall who sang it.
My phone vibrated, and I took it out of my pocket to see a text message from Eleni asking me how practice was.
I told her it was fine and put my phone away.
I would call her later, after I did my homework.
“Can I take pictures on your phone?” Nova asked.
I wanted to tell her no but didn’t want to upset her.
I took it out of my pocket again and checked my notifications to make sure there wasn’t anything inappropriate on there from one of the guys.
They liked to send ridiculous memes that my mom wouldn’t approve of.
Nova took my phone and opened the photo-sharing app.
She took a picture and sent it to my contacts.
I didn’t mind. My friends were used to Nova sending them photos.
Most of them were funny. After each picture, she changed the filter and took more pics.
Notifications came in from friends that Nova knew she could answer.
Eleni and Flinn would send back funny pictures to Nova.
She showed them to me, and I laughed with her and posed for some.
My mood shifted when Toni pulled into the hospital parking lot.
She parked, and the four of us got out of the car.
Grandma held Nova’s hand, and we followed Toni into the hospital.
We waited for the elevator in silence and then rode up to the fifth floor.
We didn’t have to stop to check in or ask what room my mom was in.
My suspicion grew. My mom was definitely here yesterday, which was why Toni had come up unexpectedly. Which also meant Toni had lied to us.
The door we stopped at was slightly ajar.
Toni pushed it open, and we followed. The TV was on, but the volume was low.
My mom sat on the bed, wearing her favorite ratty sweatshirt with a faded Boston University logo on it.
I looked around and realized I hadn’t ever been in a hospital room before.
Were they all the same, with white walls, tan bedding, and brown chairs?
Or did each hospital decide on an assorted color scheme?
Two years ago, Mom let us paint our bedrooms as part of the remodeling job she was doing that was also never ending. Nova’s room was pink, with a dark-purple-and-blue wall meant to look like outer space. The solar system was also painted on her wall.
My room was mostly white, except for the green wall I’d painted to look like grass. Mom helped me paint a baseball diamond on the wall, which I thought was pretty neat. It was something she’d seen on a do-it-yourself show.
Nova ran toward our mom and hopped up onto her bed.
They hugged each other tightly. My mom watched me for a bunch of seconds before she closed her eyes and gave her attention to my sister.
I tried to step forward, but my eyes landed on one of the machines near the bed.
I followed the tubing, and my heart lurched when it ended in my mom’s hand. How sick was she?
“Are you going to just stand there?” she said, her voice breaking through my thoughts. “You had a good game last night,” she stated. “I read the paper this morning, and Toni sent me a ton of videos.”
“Thanks.” I moved forward an inch or so and then stopped. Grandma and Toni were on the other side of the room. Grandma sat in the ugly brown chair, while Toni perched on the windowsill. She wasn’t looking at us but outside.
“How come you haven’t texted me?”
“I’ve been trying to rest so I can get better,” she said, but I suspected this was a lie. “And my hand hurts.” She lifted the hand where her IV was. I nodded, but I didn’t buy her excuse for a second.
“Come here.” I did as she’d asked and fell into her outstretched arms. For the longest time, it was me and her against the world, and then Nova joined us. We were all each other had.
After she released me, she kept her hand in mine. She looked at us, her children that she often referred to as the best thing to ever happen to her, and smiled a watery-eyed smile.
“Mommy, why are you crying?” Nova asked, her voice reverting to the soft baby tone she still sometimes used.
“I’m sad, my sweet girl.”
“How sick are you?” I finally asked, unable and unwilling to keep sitting here without knowing.
She let her tears fall. I wiped one cheek clear for her, and she whispered a thank-you.
“I have cancer.”
I didn’t need to ask her to repeat herself or to clarify. I’d heard her loud and clear. Her hand squeezed mine, and my gaze dropped as my own tears began clouding my vision. Behind me, Toni sobbed.
“What does that mean?” Nova asked. She was so innocent and not damaged by the world.
At sixteen I shouldn’t have been, either, but I had friends who’d lost their grandparents to cancer and other diseases.
Flinn lost his grandfather last year to stomach cancer, and he still told me all the time about how much he missed him.
“Mom is really sick, Nova.”
My mom’s eyes met mine, and then she looked at her little girl. “There are some bad things growing in my body, and I’m going to take a lot of medicine to fight them.”
“And you’ll get better?”
Mom nodded. “But I’m going to be sick sometimes and very tired.”
“Who’s going to get me off the bus?”
“Aunt Toni is going to stay with us for a while, and Grandma will be here all the time.”
“Grandpa too?” Nova asked.
Mom nodded. “Why don’t you go with Grandma to the cafeteria and get some pie? It’s really delicious.” She brought Nova into her arms and hugged her tightly. Nova crawled off the bed and went with Toni’s mom, leaving us alone.
“Why can’t I go get pie?”
“Because I wanted to talk to you without Nova in the room.”
A lump formed in my throat. “Are you . . .” I paused and fought back the emotion bubbling within me. “Dying?”
Another sob came from Toni, but my eyes were solely on my mom. Tears streamed down her face, wetting her sweatshirt. She reached for me, but I kept my distance, needing her to answer me first.
“Are you?”
My mom nodded. The simple gesture broke something inside me, and I couldn’t hold back any longer.
I cried as a big wave of anguish engulfed me.
Mom didn’t hesitate and wrapped her arms around me.
I wanted to fight her off, to push her away, but I didn’t have any strength in my body.
She tightened her hold as I collapsed against her, my own tears soaking the back of her sweatshirt while our sobs kept pace with one another.
I was going to lose my mom. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when.
We stayed like this for minutes, or maybe hours (time seemed insignificant in our grief), holding each other and rocking back and forth, crying into each other’s necks.
I bubbled incoherent sentences filled with questions that she didn’t have answers to, all while she apologized and told me how much she loved me.
I didn’t want to let go, out of fear that once I did, she’d slip away and be gone forever.
We finally parted, and she cupped my cheeks with her hands. Our hazel eyes matched until I was being moody, according to my mom. Then mine turned dark and intense.
“I’m going to fight,” she told me. “I’m going to be strong as long as I can and fight for every single day I can get with you and your sister. The doctors can’t cure this, but they can give us more time together. That’s what I’m fighting for. More time.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
“Leaving you and Nova is not an option for me. I’m not done being your mom.”
She ran her hand through my wavy hair and reminded me I needed to get it cut. She was right. My mom was always right.
We heard Nova before the door opened. I stood and walked over to the sink and wet a paper towel. After dabbing my face, I turned toward everyone. Nova smiled brightly as she pointed to a piece of pie and one of those small cartons of chocolate milk.
“I got this for you,” she said in her happy, singsong tone. It was like she’d forgotten our mother had told her she was sick, and maybe that was for the best.
The five of us gathered around my mom’s bed and ate hospital cafeteria apple pie, drank chocolate milk, and acted like this was an ordinary occurrence for our family.
It was anything but, and something told me we’d have many more moments like this. Toni would make sure of it.