Chapter 14 Antonia
Antonia
All night, I had my phone in my hand, snapping pictures and taking videos of Miri with the kids, with me, with my mom, and of her smiling.
I even captured moments between Cutter and Eleni, and Cutter with Weston.
I wanted to remember this night. The laughter, the smiles, the overall feeling of love flowed from everyone, even Weston and Eleni.
It was such a warm evening, everyone gathered around the small table.
At the end of the night, I drove Eleni home. She and Cutter sat in the back seat, two lovestruck teenagers with their futures brightly in front of them. Every so often, I glanced in the rearview mirror at Cutter, who was being strong and determined to mask his emotions with his girlfriend.
I didn’t blame him for not telling her, but then again, I questioned why he hadn’t. Surely, she’d be someone he could lean on for support. He was going to need it.
Hell, I was going to need it.
I didn’t have the first clue how to handle grief.
I’d lost my grandparents, and while their passing had saddened me, my heart didn’t feel anything like it did now.
It was so hard to breathe, and I felt like there were a thousand pinpricks jabbing into me.
It didn’t matter how many times I rubbed my chest, or closed my eyes to inhale and exhale, the pain was there because my heart was breaking.
It was breaking for me, knowing that I would wake up one day and Miri would be gone.
I wouldn’t be able to call her, hug her, or bask in her presence.
I wouldn’t be able to tell her I was getting married or have her stand next to me when I said “I do.” She wouldn’t be there for the little things, the everyday things that I had learned to count on throughout my life.
It was breaking for Cutter, knowing he wouldn’t come home to his mom after school or find her in the stands, cheering him on. He wouldn’t get to tell her he had met the love of his life or have her hold him after his first breakup.
It was breaking for Nova, knowing she was going to grow up without her mom. She was never going to look out and see her mom in the audience at her dance recital. She was never going to be able to tell her mom she was going to be a mom herself.
It was breaking for Miri, knowing she wouldn’t watch her babies grow up to do amazing things.
She would never see her son graduate and follow his dream of playing professional baseball.
She would never see her baby girl go to prom or walk down the aisle.
Those were the simple things she had wished for her children.
A tear fell, and I glanced at Cutter. Eleni sat in the middle of the back seat, with her head resting on his chest and his arm around her. He caught me looking at him and didn’t smile. Even she wasn’t enough to keep his thoughts far away from the nightmare.
I signaled and turned down her road, driving slowly to give them a few more seconds of this bliss. When I pulled into her driveway, I put the car into park and pressed the button to unlock the doors.
Cutter exited and held his hand out for his girlfriend. I loved how much of a gentleman he was with her. I knew not to stare but couldn’t help it. He walked her to the front door. She rose on her tippy-toes, kissed him, and ducked inside.
I looked down at my hands when he walked toward the car. The passenger side opened, and he got in, sinking into the seat with a heavy sigh.
“She’s very nice,” I told him as I reversed out of the driveway. “I’m glad I got to meet her.”
“I like her a lot.”
“That’s good.” We got to the corner and stopped. The silence between us filled the car. I glanced at Cutter, who looked out the window.
“I don’t want my mom to die,” he said so quietly I barely registered his words.
“She’s going to fight and hang on as long as she can. The last thing she wants is to leave you and Nova.”
“Why didn’t she go to the doctors earlier?”
I’m asking the same question.
“I don’t know, Cutter. I imagine if she didn’t feel well, she pushed it aside because there were other things going on.
It’s part of being a mom, I guess. You take care of kids, jobs, house, before you take care of yourself.
It’s not like our bodies tell us the good, the bad, and the ugly of what’s going on inside of us.
How many times have you ignored an ache or a tightness, telling yourself it’s going to go away?
Lord knows, I’ve been exhausted at work, sometimes for weeks, and then I bounce back.
I think it’s human nature to push aside the ‘I don’t feel well’ notion and go about our day because going to the doctor or the walk-in is a hassle. ”
“And now it’s too late.”
I didn’t want to agree with him, at least not verbally, so I said nothing because yes, it was too late.
Miri would need a miracle or an act of God to survive this.
Even with treatment, it would have to be so aggressive and work immediately for her to have a fighting chance, and her doctor said that was unlikely. Too many cells to fight all at once.
“Cutter, don’t let these days, weeks, and months be filled with anger. Your mom doesn’t deserve to see it. Not on your face or mine. In private, we’ll rage.”
I pulled forward and drove back to the house slowly.
As soon as I put the car in park, Cutter bolted from the car and ran toward the garage.
I watched for him until he emerged. He started shooting baskets on the basketball hoop Miri had installed a couple of years ago. I left my headlights on for him.
“When you’re done, can you shut the lights off?”
“Sure,” he said as he took another shot. Either he would or I’d wake up to a dead battery. Looking back at my car, I sighed heavily. We hadn’t gone to pick up Miri’s car from the hospital yet and would need to do that tomorrow.
It didn’t escape my notice that he didn’t thank me. Honestly, I didn’t expect him to. He was already hurting, and at sixteen, there were enough emotions going on in his body; he didn’t need me to harp on him.
I paused on the porch and listened to the thud of the basketball when it hit the backboard and the swish of the net with each basket he made.
Sports would be his outlet and hopefully help him grieve and heal.
He would be surrounded by a coach who clearly cared for him and teammates who, I hoped, would have his back.
Inside, the earlier excitement in the house was gone, and left in its wake was the knowledge that someone we loved with our whole hearts was dying.
I leaned against the entrance from the hallway to the living room and watched Miri as she sat on the couch.
She had the television on, but if I had to bet, she wasn’t watching it.
I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind.
Hearing from a medical professional that you’re dying has to do something to your psyche.
Every day, we wake up and live to die. It’s a matter of time for all of us.
But for Miri, finding out she had an impending end date must have been screwing her up even more.
Clearing my throat, I made my way into the room, smiling at her as I drew closer. She tucked her legs underneath her, giving me the space to sit beside her.
“Dinner was fun,” she said, to which I nodded.
“It was. I’m glad Eleni could come over. She makes Cutter smile.”
“Among other things,” Miri said with a smirk.
I shook my head. “You were lovestruck once upon a time. I’m sorry, I mean twice.”
“And look where that got me.”
My eyes looked toward the ceiling, where I assumed my mom and Nova were.
“I believe I said something philosophical back then when you found out you were pregnant with Cutter.”
“Something about how he wasn’t an accident?”
I nodded. “Those were wise words back then.” We both laughed because, accident or not, she’d fallen into the same trap and had ended up with Nova.
“Do you remember the promise you made to me that day?”
I thought for a minute and then shook my head. In our three-decade-long friendship, I’d made her a lot of promises. I certainly didn’t want to think about one, only to find out I hadn’t fulfilled my end of things.
“That day, when we lay there under the clouds, I asked if you would take care of them if something ever happened to me. Only at the time, there was one. Now I have two.”
It took a moment, but everything came back to me.
That day changed us both. My best friend was going to be a mom and within days would move into our house, while her parents would lose their ever-loving minds.
I’d never seen people go batshit crazy before, threatening my parents with baseball bats, all while reciting sermons from their church.
“I remember,” I told her. “But I also distinctly remember me saying nothing would ever happen to you.” Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I sniffed hard and swallowed the lump in my throat.
Miri reached for my hand. “You and I both know that isn’t true anymore, and I don’t have much time to get everything figured out, but this one is important.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. I didn’t want to look at her, out of fear I would lose it, so I kept my eyes forward and my hand in hers.
“The kids love you, Toni. You’ve been in their lives from day one. I can’t be there for them anymore . . .” She trailed off as I looked at her. I could finish her sentence for her, but even words failed me.
She wiped at her tears, but to no avail. They fell like a stream, leaving streaks of wetness on her face.
“Will you take my babies after I’m gone? Will you be their person? Their guardian? Their mother?” She choked out the last word, which shattered my already-broken heart.
I nodded and pulled her into a hug. We both cried. Being Cutter and Nova’s guardian was a no-brainer. I would’ve fought for them, regardless. Miri naming me legally would make things easier for us.
When we parted, I wiped the tears from her face. “You know I love them with my whole heart. Of course I’ll take them.”
“I don’t want to disrupt your life.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I told her. “Everything will work out.” I was lying to myself. When Miri left us, we’d grieve, hard. When she passed, we’d be broken.
“We do have a list of things we need to figure out, Miri. Like the house, your possessions, and your finances. And we’ll need to make sure you have a will, so no one comes knocking on my door to take the kids away.”
I didn’t want to say it out loud, but their father worried me.
No one had any idea where he was, and he’d already popped back into Miri’s life on one occasion.
Granted, that was eight years ago, but still.
News of her passing wouldn’t take long to spread, especially if he was keeping tabs on her from afar.
But he was for another day, another time.
I only wanted to think about Miri, the kids, and the uphill battle we faced.
“I have some life insurance through work,” Miri said, pulling me from my thoughts. “It won’t be much, but . . .”
“If the kids are the beneficiaries, I’ll move the money into a trust for them,” I told her. “That’ll give them a little something when they’re older.”
Miri nodded. “I’m not sure what to do about the house.”
“I’m not sure, either, but we’ll ask the bank.
It might be as simple as adding me to the deed, although that can take time.
” I patted her leg. “Either way, tomorrow we’ll do as much as we can before you start treatment.
I do need to go to the office on Tuesday, so while you’re at the hospital, Mom will be here for you and the kids.
I’ll be back either late Tuesday night or first thing Wednesday morning. ”
“This would all be easier if I had stayed in Boston.”
“Miri, this would never be easy, no matter where we were. Losing you is going to destroy me, whether it happens here or there. I don’t know my life without you in it.”
“I don’t know my life without you in it,” she said, repeating my words to me. We hugged again until she snuggled into my arms. I rested my chin on the top of her head and stared into the nothingness.
I had an unpleasant suspicion our time with Miri would be very limited.