Chapter 34 Antonia
Antonia
The next day, we were met with a blazing sun, warm temperatures, and hope.
Nova ended up spending the night at her friend’s house, and when Cutter came home from Eleni’s, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him.
He put on a romantic comedy; we sat next to each other on the couch, shared popcorn, and laughed.
It felt very cathartic to laugh, especially with Cutter.
Weston had left right before Cutter came home. After we shared a pizza in bed, Weston made love to me again. There was nothing rushed, no urgent need; we took things slow and worshipped each other. I hated saying goodbye to him. Even though he was down the street, it seemed like he was miles away.
I stood in the living room, looking out over Miri’s flower beds. The sun shone on them perfectly. It was like she was up there, directing its rays to us, knowing we’d need her today.
Nova came downstairs, home from Mara’s, wearing a pink-and-yellow dress, and handed me her hairbrush.
“Don’t you look beautiful.” I took the brush from her.
Nova twirled, and the frilly part of her dress fluttered. “This was Mommy’s favorite dress.”
“I can see why. It’s so pretty.” I tapped the tip of her nose with my fingertip. “What would you like to do with your hair?”
“I think pulled up here.” She pulled her sides up and showed me. We went into the bathroom, where I kept most of my things. I rummaged through my hair supplies and found two pins.
Nova handed me the spray bottle and stepped onto the stool so she could see herself in the mirror. I wet her hair and then ran the brush through it. Thankfully, Mara’s mom had brushed her hair last night before the girls had gone to bed.
“We didn’t talk about Mara’s. Did you have fun?”
She lifted her left shoulder. “I’m sad there sometimes.”
“How come?” I feared I already knew the answer but asked anyway.
“Because she has a mommy, but her mommy is really nice to me and gives me hugs when she thinks I’m sad.”
I finished pulling her hair back and then stood behind her, with my hands on the sides of her shoulders. “How’s this?”
Nova nodded and turned side to side. “I love it.” She looked at me through the mirror again.
“It’s okay to be sad, Nova. I’m sad all the time because I miss your mom, but then I remember I have you and Cutter. Being here with you both makes me feel so much better because you’re a part of her. I know I’m not the same as your mom, but when you’re feeling sad, know that I am too.”
Nova turned and wrapped her arms around me. I kissed the top of her head. “I miss her so much.”
“I know, sweetie. Me too.” There wasn’t anything else I could say. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her everything would be okay. I didn’t know if it would. There was a hole in my heart, a part of me missing, and no amount of therapy or time would fill it.
Nova looked up at me, her watery hazel eyes matching those of her mother. “Can Mommy see me?”
This was the one lie I would tell every single time. I nodded. “Yeah, she can. Even though her body isn’t here, her spirit is. She wouldn’t want to miss any part of you growing up.”
“I just want to hug her one more time.”
“Me too. I know I’m not the same, but I do give pretty good hugs.”
I waited a beat before holding my arms out. She fell into them, and I squeezed her lovingly with all my might. I thought Cutter would be the one who’d fall apart first. I never thought it would be Nova.
Cutter walked by and stopped at the door. “Lovefest?”
I held my arm out for him and brought him into our fold. “We’re having a moment.”
“I can use a moment too,” he said as his strong arm wrapped around my waist.
The three of us stayed like this for what felt like an hour. While we had somewhere important to be, Miri would be okay with us delaying our arrival.
We freshened up and then piled in the car, with Cutter driving.
“Do you know where you’re going?”
He nodded. I couldn’t wait for him to take his driver’s test. We’d worked hard on all the fundamentals, and he was turning out to be an excellent driver.
Of course I worried. There were rules in place, but I was once a teenager and shunned rules.
I used to think they didn’t apply to me and broke them all the time.
Consequences be damned. I wasn’t naive in thinking Cutter wouldn’t break the rules.
It was a rite of passage. I just had to be prepared for it.
There were quite a few cars at the cemetery. I directed Cutter on where to go and reminded him to keep the speed down. With people walking around, I didn’t want someone to dart out in front of him and him not be able to stop in time.
The cemetery was tranquil. The company that owned it had put a lot of thought into making it a peaceful place for family and friends to come visit.
Tucked away from any traffic and shrouded by tall shrubs for privacy, the space had a welcoming feel.
Death surrounded you there, but it was hard to be sad when there was a bubbling fountain, koi fish, ornamental flowers, and benches to sit on.
Cutter parked along the grassy edge. We held hands while we walked along the path until Miri’s resting space came into view. The kids had picked her marker and the wording.
We stood there, staring down at the bronze plaque covering Miri’s final resting spot. The design had been done flawlessly, and I couldn’t have been prouder.
“Wow, I never thought I’d see myself like this,” Cutter said as we looked at the raised etching of him, Miri, and Nova. It was one of the last photos of them all together. I had taken it at Christmas, long before we knew she was dying.
“We look funny,” Nova said.
“I think you guys look perfect.”
Next to the etching was Miri’s name, her date of birth, and the date her body had given out on her. The words under all of that were what choked me up the most: “Mommy and best friend.”
The craftsman who’d made the plaque was a bit surprised when we didn’t go with the standard “daughter,” “mother,” “aunt,” and whatever else others used. The two titles we chose were perfect for our Miri.
“What do we do with the flowers we brought last week?”
“We’re going to put them on someone else’s grave. Give them a little bit of our happy.”
Cutter didn’t hesitate. He took the flowers from the metal vase and carried them to two other markers, splitting them up. “Next week, we’ll have to remember who I gave them to, so I pick someone different next time.”
“I like that.” I linked my arm through his and rested my head on his shoulder.
Nova put the bouquet in the vase and fiddled with the flowers. She had picked this week’s arrangement of gerbera daisies, pink-and-white carnations, and three white roses to stand for her, Cutter, and Miri, with Cutter choosing last week. Nova finished and stepped back to where we were.
“It’s beautiful, just like Mommy,” Nova said.
“I think if she had picked this herself, she would agree,” Cutter added.
“I think so as well. Who wants to go first?” Ever since we’d put her ashes in the ground, we’d each taken a moment of privacy to speak to her.
“I’d like to,” Cutter said.
Nova and I walked toward the car, our joined hands swinging between us. I was surprised to find Cutter not far behind us.
“Everything okay?”
He nodded with a smile. “Yep. I’m good.”
“All right, then. Do you want to go next?” I asked Nova.
“Will you come with me?”
We told Cutter we’d be right back. Nova and I walked hand in hand back to Miri’s marker. I stepped off to the side but still within distance, so she’d know I was there just in case she needed me. I didn’t want to eavesdrop on something that should be private.
When Nova was finished, she hugged me and ran back to Cutter, who waited for her outside the car. He picked her up, spun her in a circle, much to her delight, and then helped her into the back seat.
I stared at the marker as tears welled, hating every second of this. A day would come when I could think of her and the tears would stay away, but I couldn’t imagine that day clearly. If ever.
“You were right,” I started. “I like him. ‘Him’ being Weston, in case you didn’t know, but something tells me you did know and suspected he’d be the person I needed right now.
He’s so patient and calm, and the kids love him.
But again, you knew this. Scout has been an amazing companion to Nova.
I never realized the importance of a dog until now.
I’m seriously considering getting them one, but something small so when we travel for sports it can go with us. ”
I looked behind me to check on the kids and then back at the marker. “The kids are going to be okay, Miri. They’re so strong and willing to let me know when they need a little extra love. I never saw myself as a sports mom, but let me tell you, some of those other parents . . .” I shook my head.
“Anyway, Cutter and Nova did an amazing job on your marker. I hope you can see it from wherever you may be.”
I crouched down, kissed my fingers, and then placed them on her name. “I love you, Miri.” I wiped at my fallen tears, put a smile on my face, and walked back to my kids, who greeted me the same way. And wouldn’t you know it, the first thing out of Cutter’s mouth was him asking to drive.
I should’ve known.
The days began flying by. The nicer it was, the faster the day went.
If we weren’t at baseball, Cutter had basketball practice, which meant we were going in every which direction.
Thankfully, I had Weston by my side. Being Cutter’s coach helped in that aspect.
Although it wasn’t until the basketball travel team started that I found out Weston wasn’t the coach during the summer; Jerome was.
Not that it mattered. Weston would be there, regardless.