Chapter 32
Amber hummedon the way to the bathroom. The two glasses of champagne were making her feel bubbly and light, like she was still kissing Theo in the ballroom.
That kiss would be all over the town’s Facebook page for sure tomorrow, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. It had felt so right, like a declaration and a promise of what the night would bring her later. She couldn’t wait for later. Theo in a tux was giving her all sorts of dirty fantasies. He did like when she brought them to life.
She thought about the Post-it she had given him with his golden ticket on it. If she lived to be one hundred, she would never forget last night in Theo’s office. She laughed softly, then looked around to make sure no one caught her silliness.
“You should be laughing,” Neal said. He was in the doorway of the hotel’s lounge room, leaning slightly on the frame. Even the dim lighting couldn’t hide his red-rimmed eyes. His bowtie was loosened, and his short, fine gray hair looked damp around the edges.
“Hello, Neal. Are you all right?” She didn”t really care, but he was a friend of Theo”s family, and she didn’t want him to ruin Theo’s night.
Amber looked around for someone to help her if he passed out. She had been around enough inebriated people in her life to know the look. “Come in here. Let’s sit on the couch for a minute.” She led him over to a couch next to the fireplace and sat down next to him to think through her options. Theo had her phone in his pocket, so she couldn’t call him.
“Let’s just sit here for a few minutes until you’re steadier on your feet. I think you”ve had too much to drink,” she said. The alcohol on his breath was enough to knock her over. She tried to keep the distaste off her face, but it was difficult.
“Here I was thinking we should toast,” he said. He wasn’t slurring, but his eyes had that unfocused look that Amber recognized as well on his way to a bender. He pulled out a silver flask and took a swig.
“What do you mean?” she asked, edging away from him. Maybe she could just leave him here and bring Theo to Neal. It would be less embarrassing for him in the long run.
“I mean, you won. You got everything you wanted. You got Theo panting after you. How does that feel, by the way, to know that he”s going to lose this election? Will you still want him then?” He gripped her elbow tightly enough to leave a bruise.
“Now I know you”ve had too much to drink. Take your hands off me, and we”ll go back out into the other room.” She sat up stiffly on the couch. Neal’s grip on her arm tightened painfully.
”You”re always trying to call the shots,” he muttered, his eyes dropping to her chest. A shiver of revulsion took her. “You think you can do that with Theo because he’s fucking you, but you”re not putting out for me.”
A wave of exhaustion overwhelmed her, and suddenly she was so very tired of everything. The rumors she could never escape, that she had made part of her identity in order to control them, the men in her past that had looked at her the exact way Neal was looking at her now.
It was all so fucking exhausting, and she was done.
“That is old and tired, Neal. I don”t care what you think or what anybody else thinks. Theo is a grown man. He can make his own decisions.” She tried to stand, but Neal leaned in, making her back away farther into the couch. This close she could see the little broken red blood vessels around his nose and cheeks.
“Sure, he can,” Neal said, his lips twisting. “But when you’re sucking his dick in his office, it makes it a hell of a lot easier to say yes.” Amber felt the blood rush from her head. Had he...seen them? Her horror must have played out on her face because he laughed nastily.
“Yes, I saw you on your knees for him last night when I went back to the office. But you’ve always been a little slut, haven’t you?”
“What?” Amber froze. Until that moment, Neal’s words were merely disgusting, but at his last sentence, she went still. “What did you say?”
Neal’s lips stretched into a parody of a smile. “Theo told me about that night with Grant when they got the call to pick you up. How your boyfriend left you for being a dirty slut with all his friends.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her lips felt numb. Theo had told him? Uncertainty and a dull, throbbing hurt filled her.
Neal’s moist hand slithered over her breast. She caught it, but his other hand was there to take its place immediately. He squeezed her breast, leaning over her until he was nearly on top of her. “Always with your tits out like a little whore,” he muttered, squeezing hard. “How about you show me these big fucking tits of yours?”
“Get off me,” she hissed, shoving him back. He wasn’t nearly as solid as Theo, but he was larger than her and he didn’t move. How dare he? How dare he touch her, question her, throw that night in her face. Anger surged, nearly choking her with its bitterness. “Get your hands off me.”
His hand tightened, painfully twisting her breast in one hand while the other went for her hair, pushing her farther back into the couch. She drew her knee up to kick him, but he was on top of her now, panting and grappling with her dress. He was heavy and panting in her face, and all she could do was push, push, push, and it wasn’t enough.
Rage, white hot and immediate, filled her when she felt his lips at her neck. She shoved him hard, anywhere she could land between his ear and his neck. He was relentless, pressing wet kisses to her throat and the tops of her breasts.
Suddenly, his weight was gone, leaving her startled as she looked up. Theo had Neal pinned to the wall by his lapels; a crimson river of blood flowed from Neal’s nose. “What the fuck, Neal.” He shoved him harder. Neal’s head knocked into the wall behind him with a sickening thud. “What the fuck?”
“Look what she’s done to you,” Neal sneered, blood staining his teeth. He pointed a shaking hand at Amber. “You’re going to throw everything away for this slut?”
“How could you do this?” Theo’s breathing was ragged. Raw with pain.
And, oh, did that cut deeply. Not Neal, not his hands on her body, twisting her flesh painfully, but Theo’s voice. The hurt and anger, the betrayal—it twisted her heart even as her own hurt threatened to spill over.
She sat up. The music from the ballroom filled the room along with the harsh breaths of the two men in front of her. The door to the lounge was still open. Anyone could walk by and see them.
She got to her feet and put a hand on Theo’s back. “Let him go, Theo.” His body was taut with surpassed anger. She pulled his arm away from Neal’s tux. “He”s not worth it.”
“Did he hurt you?” Theo glanced at her, and she nearly took a step back at the rage in his eyes.
“No, he didn’t,” she said. He couldn’t. He’d barely chinked the surface of her. “He”s not worth it. Let him go.”
Theo dropped his hands and stepped back from Neal, his movements sharp with barely contained fury. “I never want to see you again,” Theo said, cold fury in the bite of his voice. “And if I ever see you around Amber again, I will forget you ever meant anything to me.”
Neal laughed bitterly. ”You”re really going to throw everything away for her, aren”t you?”
“What I do with my life is no longer your concern. You”re fired, effective immediately.”
A sudden flash startled them as a camera went off in the room. Pippa stood in the doorway with her photographer by her side.
“Are we interrupting something?” she asked, looking around the room with sharp eyes: Neal’s bloody face, Theo’s scraped knuckles.
Amber froze, horrific images of that photo being published and the stories that could swirl. Panic rose in her throat, but Theo stepped toward Pippa.
“Nothing at all.” Theo”s voice was dangerously soft. “Neal’s had too much to drink. He was just leaving.” He fixed Pippa with a look.
Pippa looked like she had more to say, but she nodded and left, with Neal behind her, and then it was just Theo and Amber.
The hardness on his face disappeared. He crossed the room and held her hands gently. “Are you all right?”
She nodded numbly. “I told you not to tell anyone.”
“Tell anyone what?” Theo was chafing her hands between his. She realized they were frozen with cold.
She cleared her throat. “That night when you and Grant picked me up in his squad car. You told me you would never tell anyone, but Neal knew.”
“I swear to God, I didn”t tell him. I don”t know how he knows. Maybe Grant mentioned it to him, or Neal asked about the calls we went on, but it wasn”t me, Amber. I wouldn”t lie to you.”
She pulled her hands away just as Val’s ringtone went off—“Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Theo pulled her phone out of his pocket.
”That”s Val.” She grabbed the phone from his hands. ”Hello? Val? Is everything okay?” She heard the crackling of a poor connection and Val”s voice. ”Amber,” came in and out. ”Help,” and then the line went dead.
Panic, lightning fast, flooded her. “I have to go. Val needs me,” she said, running out the door.
“I’m coming with you.” She felt Theo at her heels, but she only had the same chant in her head. Val Val Val.
Outside the hotel, a sea of cars and valets waited. Her car was buried in there somewhere. She looked around frantically.
Theo strode to a bored-looking valet. “I need the key to the first car there.” He pointed to a BMW with its top down.
“Is that your car, sir?” The valet couldn’t have been more than twenty. He looked between them nervously.
“Yes,” Theo lied. “Give me the keys.” He slapped a handful of bills into the kid’s hand.
The valet’s eyes widened. “Whoa. Here you go.” He tossed the keys to Theo and started counting.
Theo turned back to her. “Let’s go.”
“We”re onlya few minutes away. She”ll be okay,” Theo said, grinding the gears as he accelerated.
Amber twisted her hands and looked out the window. Every horrific scenario she had ever seen on the news flashed before her eyes as they drove. She concentrated on the rhythmic thud of her heartbeat, trying to anchor her swirling thoughts.
Dylan”s car was parked on the side of the road about a mile down from the venue. Amber”s heart leaped to her throat, and she jumped out of the car before it fully stopped. She could only see the skirt of Val’s dress and her black Converse. Dylan stood in front of her.
”Val!” she choked out, her heart thundering in her chest.
”Oh, hey, Amber,” Val peeked around Dylan, and she looked...fine. Amber’s breath rattled back in her lungs in great shudders, as if she was Lily trying to breathe in the middle of an asthma attack. “Hey, Theo. Thanks for coming.”
Amber stopped. “Are you...okay?” she asked. She felt disoriented, like she was living halfway between the present and the past.
”Dylan”s car got a flat. We don”t have AAA, so we called you for help. Do you think you could give us a ride?”
It took a minute for Amber to bring herself solidly back to the present. Theo was faster than she was, but then, he didn’t carry the weight of another night on his shoulders.
“Yes, of course we can. Why don”t you guys get in the car, and I’ll call my service?” He was amazingly unruffled, in full authoritative mayor mode, taking control and fixing things while Amber felt...fragile. The shock of adrenaline made her feel sick.
When Val walked by, she looked at Amber closely. “Is everything okay?” she asked uncertainly. ”I hope I didn”t ruin your night.” Her makeup was still perfect. Not even a trace of a wayward tear to mar it. Relief welled in her, enough to make her eyes prick with tears. She had wanted Val to have a perfect night so badly.
”No, no, everything”s fine.” She cleared her throat and pulled herself together. “I’m just glad you”re okay. How was the ball?”
“Eh,” Val shrugged. “The music sucked, and they didn’t have any vegetarian options, but other than that it was fine.” She grinned. “Just kidding. It was a great night.”
The ride back to Amber and Val”s was quiet, aside from Dylan and Val talking softly in the backseat. Even in the dark, as the streetlights passed, she could see the muscles in Theo”s jaw ticking as they drove.
When they pulled into the Phoenix’s parking lot, Val and Dylan hopped out. “Dylan”s going to come up with me for a while. Thanks again, guys.” She slammed the door closed.
The car was silent. Amber put a hand on the door handle, every instinct in her clawing at her to get out and run away.
“No more running, remember?” Theo pinned her with his gaze. He got out of the car and came around to her side of the car to help her out.
In her apartment, she kicked her heels off and sat on the couch, drawing her knees up to her chest. The air conditioning pumping from the windows was the only sensation in her body. Everything else felt numb. Cold and numb, including her heart. She stared straight ahead. “I can”t do this,” she said quietly, forcing the words through her stiff lips.
The soft, so goddamn vulnerable, parts of her back behind a wall of armor, fortified once more.
”That”s not talking. That”s giving up.” Theo sat down on the couch next to her. She flinched at what she saw on his face. “I never said a word about that night,” he swore. “I don’t know how he found out, but I didn’t tell him.”
“I believe you,” she said, because she did. It didn’t matter anymore, anyway. That night had ceased to hurt her a long time ago, she realized. The lingering burn of the whispers no longer scorched her memories or held any power over her.
“Then why are you running?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I thought I could, but I just...can’t.” She couldn’t look at him anymore. She could bear her own heartbreak a million times over, but to see Theo’s was unbearable. This feeling, the hard knot in her throat and the ache in her chest, was why she never let herself fall in love.
Theo had broken through all the barriers she had carefully constructed over the years with his lovely caretaking and his insatiable need to show her how much more she was than she ever gave herself credit for.
But she didn’t want to see it. He never understood that. How could she not see it with such strong women in her life? She knew it and she still couldn’t make herself choose to love.
Theo’s hands clenched. The first spark of anger she had seen in him. Aside from his hands on Neal. That sight was etched in her mind forever.
”You can’t do this? Bullshit,” he said sharply. ”You”re scared. You’re so damn afraid you won’t let yourself love anybody else. But I’m not anybody. I’m telling you that I love you, and I will never hurt you. I love you, Amber,” he repeated, and she flinched at the calm steadiness of his voice.
Of course, it was easy for him.
He wasn’t utterly terrified of losing himself in someone else.
”So what if I am?” she said fiercely. The prick of anger was familiar and welcome. She leaned into it. She could control that emotion. “You’ve always pushed me, but I can’t go any further, Theo. I don’t want to.”
”Don”t do that,” he said softly.
”It was never going to last,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “We’re too different. And what if Pippa publishes that photo? The news will have a field day with that. I can see it now, ‘Local bartender involved in a love triangle with mayor and staff.’ That would ruin your chance for reelection.” She looked at him, pleading. “This would never have worked in the long run. You know it’s true.”
Bitterness nearly closed off her throat, but she forced the words out. “It’s better for both of us to end it now, before it gets any harder.” She tried hard to keep her voice unemotional, but the tremble betrayed her.
Theo shook his head, his eyes so steady on hers she had to look away. He always saw through her. No one else had ever tried to, really. They had been satisfied with the version of her she let them see, but not Theo.
“That’s bullshit. You know I don’t care about any of that. I love you. I’ve never wanted this job if it meant losing you,” he said roughly, spearing her heart effectively in half.
“Well, maybe you should,” she cried. “You’re meant to lead, Theo. Northfield or somewhere bigger down the road. Don’t throw it all away for...this. It never lasts with me.” She waved her hand between them. “I told you not to fall in love with me. I told you.” To her horror, tears dripped from her eyes.
”Coward,” he said, softly. Knowingly. It was almost her undoing. She turned her head, but he cupped her chin and turned her to see her eyes. He leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to her lips. “I told you to trust me.” Light as a breeze, he kissed her, first one corner, then the other, sending shivery hot sparks of desire through her. She closed her eyes and let the desire wash over her. This she knew.
She turned her body toward him and opened her mouth, capturing his fiercely. Suddenly, she was starving for the taste of him. She bit his lower lip and sucked it, tasting the wine he had earlier. It made her wild. She moved closer, trying to feel instead of think.
She pushed the beautiful tuxedo off his shoulders and got to her knees on the couch, but her dress was too tight to straddle him. She made a frustrated sound only to trail off on a moan when Theo pushed it up over her hips, lifting her over and onto his lap, flush against his swollen erection. Her fingers went to his belt frantically. It was clumsy hands and sharp elbows and hot desire. Fast. Fast. Fast before she had to feel the hurt again.
And then he was inside her.
It hurt with no foreplay, but she welcomed the stretch and burn of her body. Anything was better than the pain in her heart.
It was fast and fierce, almost painful in its intensity. She clung to his shoulders and tried to control it, but he wouldn’t let her. His hands gripped her hips, and he bucked up into her deeper, holding her still for his thrusts, as if he knew he couldn’t hold on to her any other way.
“Oh, Christ,” he rasped against her throat, delicately biting the sensitive curve where her shoulder met her neck, making pleasure spike along her entire body until she nearly screamed.
“Yes,” she gasped. “Please….please….I need…” She caught her breath on a sob and threw back her head, squeezing her eyes closed at the shocking intensity.
She tried to hold out. She bowed her body and hid her face in his neck and let out a sob, but he wouldn’t let her hide that from him, either. His hand cradled her head in one hand, forcing her to look at him, while the other forced her up and down, hard, on him until it became too much, and she closed her eyes to escape with a scream of pure pleasure.
The intensity caught her off guard and her vision blurred around the edges until she collapsed on him, holding on to his neck. He bucked up into her once more before holding her tightly to him while he came.
Their ragged breathing echoed in the otherwise silent apartment. She rested her forehead against the strong column of his throat, watching the muscles working there, feeling his chest rise and fall with the emotion he was so obviously trying to control. She wanted to stay like this forever, held and cherished, in their own cocoon.
The fabric of his zipper pinched her inner thigh, and she reluctantly lifted her head. His eyes were dark velvet again. Looking at her with so much emotion, she ached.
”Truth or dare,” he asked.
”What?” She looked at him blankly. “This isn”t . . . I don”t . . . I don”t want to play that,” she stammered.
She had nowhere to look except for his eyes. How she had ever thought they were cool was beyond her. Theo’s eyes burned into hers now, seeing straight through to her weakness and exposing pieces of her she had buried a long time ago. Shame burned her now because she knew what she had to do.
“Fine,” she said. “You want to play this game? Dare.” She held his eyes in a silent challenge. She knew what he was doing. He never let her hide herself from him. Even the parts of her she didn’t like, he forced her to face them head on.
”I dare you to give us a chance,” he said evenly. She could still feel him pulsing inside her. God, she would miss this. She would miss him.
She blinked the wetness from her eyes and lifted her chin. “I pick the truth then.”
“Do you love me?” His voice was quiet now.
She couldn’t lie. “I don”t want to play this game. You win.” She saw the devastation on his face, and it was too much. “I quit.” She lifted herself off him and stood.
“Amber,” he said. ”Don”t do this.”
”Goodbye, Theo.” She got up and went to her bedroom, closed the door, laid on her bed in her new dress, and stared up at the ceiling.
Her head ached where Neal had pulled it. Her body was tender where Theo had been inside her. It was merely a nuisance in the face of the crushing pain in her chest.
How funny that just hours earlier she had started the night with yet another version of herself, a stripped down, authentic version that needed no pretense or bravado.
And now, in her bedroom alone, she wanted to pull every flimsy scrap of fabric from her closet and pile it on herself as if they were bandages she could wrap the broken pieces of her heart in.
Relationships, pets, and kids. How silly she must be to think this time would be any different when the only thing that had changed was her wardrobe.
Tears filled her eyes. She tried to keep them open as long as she could so they wouldn”t spill over, but eventually, when she heard the door close, her body betrayed her.