Chapter 42 #2
I chew my lip as I try to figure out the best way to explain to them my past, and the trauma I went through.
My hands tremble and I try to shake it off but that doesn’t help.
Josie reaches forward, takes my hands in hers and waits.
Taking a few more focused breaths, I know my nerves aren’t going to go back to baseline anytime soon, so when I feel grounded enough I tell them everything.
“You need to know, my last relationship was not a good one. He was abusive, though it didn’t start out that way.
Little by little he began to show me his true colors.
He took me out to events, showed me off to all his colleagues, spoiled me.
He held me on this pedestal that made me feel so wanted and loved.
Then one evening after a work event, he had a few too many drinks and thought I was flirting with his boss.
He pushed me up against the wall and screamed at me until I started crying, then called me pathetic and left the restaurant without me.
He barely spoke to me when I finally made it back to the apartment.
That was just the beginning…” I pause to take a steadying breath before continuing.
I told them the night he finally laid his hands on me, but by that time I had quit my job and moved in with him.
He secluded me, making me think that Harper didn’t support my relationship with him.
He spun so many stories that I started to believe that my best friend was trying to ruin my relationship.
I would only see my mom on his terms, and he was such a charmer.
My mother didn’t suspect a thing, she adored him.
They stay quiet as I tell them the moment I found out I was pregnant with my baby, and how excited I was to tell him.
I told them about the onesie that said “Hi Daddy” on it with the positive test and my plans to tell him after supper.
I tell them everything from the moment he threw me out of bed and told me to get rid of the pregnancy and how I ended up on Harper’s doorstep at three in the morning with nowhere else to go.
“What the fuck. Evie, I’m so sorry.” Monty whispers, tightening his hold around me, his hand not leaving my stomach at any point since I told them I was pregnant.
“I’m sorry you were treated so poorly.” Josie tells me, “That’s not how you love someone.
You don’t isolate or harm the person you care about.
You don’t remove them from their work and their loved ones.
I’m glad you were able to get out, but you said you were pregnant…
” She lets the question hang there without being said.
A valid question, and my chest begins to crack as I think about that day.
“Yes. I was pregnant.” Inhaling a breath, I slowly let it out before I continue.
“I made an appointment with a doctor the day after I got to Harper’s.
They said based on my last period that I could be around six weeks.
They booked me an initial appointment for eight weeks, that’s where they’d check everything out and do my first ultrasound.
I was excited, and Harper was a huge support during that time.
The next week I noticed some brown spotting, but when I did some research online everything said things were fine.
I just made sure to note when it started, so I could mention it to the doctor at our appointment.
It didn’t last long, so I thought it was just implantation bleeding.
Other than that nothing seemed to be abnormal. ”
Shakily I bring my hand over my stomach, as fear washes over me at the thought of this happening again.
I didn’t give myself the space to think like that yet, and now with me bringing up these memories.
It becomes very real this could happen again and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.
I gasp in a breath, suddenly breathing becomes very hard.
Monty’s hands cover mine on my stomach as he rests his chin on my shoulder, while Josie cups my face and moves me so that I’m looking at her.
“Take a deep breath Sweets, you aren’t alone. Monty and I are here, you’re safe.” She tells me softly and walks me through a breathing exercise until my chest doesn’t feel like it has a vice grip on my lungs.
She keeps her hands on my face and nods her head telling me to continue.
“When I went for my initial appointment they took me back to get my ultrasound to measure how far along I was, because they had estimated to be about nine weeks at that point. After getting situated on the table and my legs in the stirrups, she used the internal ultrasound probe to check for the baby. When she found it she pointed it out to me as she began to measure the baby. I can’t begin to describe the way the whole mood shifted in the matter of seconds.
I saw the drop in the technician's face and she quickly excused herself without answering any of my questions. All she said was that she needed to get the doctor and they would be right back. I laid there waiting for what felt like hours.” I pause, registering the slight sway in the way Monty is holding me and rocking me back and forth.
“When the doctor came in, I already knew what she was going to say. My baby was gone. They said it was measuring at seven weeks and they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
After that I honestly couldn’t tell you what they said.
My whole world went numb and I just went through the motions until I got back to the car where Harper was waiting.
I had told her I wanted to go in on my own, but I promised to bring out pictures when I came back.
” The corner of my mouth twitches in a sad smile, remembering how excited Harper was for me, the support I got from her made me believe I could do this on my own.
“Harper instantly knew something was wrong the moment I sat in the car, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.
I asked her to take me back to the house, and she didn’t question me.
She just put the car in drive and we left.
The next part was the most gut-wrenching experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. ”
“Oh Evie.” Josie whispers and brings her forehead to rest against mine.
“I’m so sorry.” She holds herself there and I let myself cry.
I cry for all the things that I wasn’t able to do with my baby.
I didn’t get to watch them grow, watching my body expand as I carry to term.
I didn’t get to go through labor and welcome my son or daughter into the world.
No sleepless nights, no first words, no first steps.
I didn’t get any of it, and I still find it so unfair that my body couldn’t do the one thing it was supposed to do.
“Did you–” Monty begins to ask but clears his throat before trying again. “Did you lose the baby because of him?”
“No, it wasn’t anything like that. The doctor just said the baby stopped developing.
Something about a chromosomal abnormality that caused it.
I met with my doctor again after my miscarriage and she allowed me to ask all the questions I didn’t ask when I first got the news.
” I tell him honestly, because I thought so at first too.
I feel him relax slightly behind me but he still pulls me closer and places a tender kiss on my neck.
I didn’t realize how much that simple gesture could put my body at ease.
We sit there in silence for a couple minutes, letting my story hang there, as I sit surrounded by their comfort. I already realize how different things are from last time, but I still need to know where they stand. Even if this ends with me raising this baby on my own.
“When I found out I was pregnant again, I panicked. I was scared that I ruined everything. We never discussed this, I mean Hayes just turned one. Why would you want to do this all over again? So, I thought I would make it easier for everyone and leave. I knew I fucked everything up, and I couldn’t bear to see the look on your faces when you told me I needed to leave. ”
Josie pulls back with a look of horror on her face. “Evie, what the fuck?” She gasps. “We would never think that. I mean, was this a planned thing? No, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t figure things out.”
My mouth opens and closes a few times, trying to think of a response but Monty beats me to it.
“We don’t want you to leave. We never want you to leave, Evie.” He says.
“I– you don’t want me to leave and get rid of the baby?” I rush out.
“What? No.” Monty says, I look over my shoulder at him and see the seriousness in his expression. sweets
“Are you sure?” I ask, looking from him back to Josie.
“Absolutely.” Josie tells me with such confidence. “We never got to talk about what our future looks like, if there were going to be more kids, being out in the open. Those were conversations we always needed to have, but we’re having a baby!”
“Hells yeah we are!” Monty confirms his stance on everything.
A whole new wave of tears begin to flow and before I can stop myself, I utter the words I’ve been wanting to say since they asked me to be theirs.
“I love you.” A wobbly smile forms on my face, “We’re having a baby!”