Chapter 17
What Ben Wants
Ben knew exactly what he wanted.
That was the problem.
He wanted Lucy.
He wanted Saturday mornings at the cafe and late nights at the library.
He wanted Carter dinners where she was already part of the family but sat beside him instead of across the table.
He wanted to know how she looked when she woke up annoyed at an alarm clock.
He wanted ordinary things with an intensity that made him feel foolish.
But Lucy had an interview in New York for something she had worked toward for years.
He would not make himself another item she had to manage.
At the firehouse, Ortega caught him staring at his phone.
"Harper?"
Ben looked up. "How do you know?"
"You have the face."
"What face?"
"The man has feelings face. It's unfortunate."
Ben put the phone down.
"She might move to New York."
Ortega poured coffee.
"And?"
"And I just figured out I'm in love with her."
Ortega stopped pouring.
"Oh."
"That's helpful."
"I was expecting 'I like her.' You went directly to the structural damage."
Ben rubbed a hand over his face.
"I don't want to ask her to stay."
"Good."
"But I also don't want her to think I don't care if she goes."
"Then tell her both things."
Ben looked at him.
"That sounds terrible."
"Most useful conversations do."
Ben thought about Lucy on the train platform. About how she had looked at him when he said she should go to the interview.
Maybe she had not heard support.
Maybe she had heard distance.
He had spent years making things easy for other people. Covering shifts. Fixing problems. Stepping back when he thought someone needed space.
Maybe stepping back was not always kindness.
Sometimes it was just another way to avoid asking for something.
That evening, he went to the library.
Lucy was in the courtyard stringing lights.
"I need to tell you something," he said.
She turned.
Ben's courage vanished with impressive speed.
"That sounds serious."
"It is."
Before he could continue, Priya opened the door.
"Lucy, the author for tomorrow canceled."
Lucy closed her eyes.
"Of course he did."
Ben almost laughed.
October, apparently, had its own timing.
"Later," he said.
Lucy looked at him.
"Later."
Ben hoped he had not just made the biggest mistake of the month.