Chapter 18 #2
“I know it’s not. Most things in life aren’t. But it’s up to you to choose what matters the most to you. To prioritize your own wants and happiness.”
I think about that. Once again, of course he’s right. The problem is that I might want too many things at the same time. And people don’t usually get to have everything they want.
I want to keep making music, because I love it. And I want to be who I am without fear of repercussions. But unfortunately, if I want to keep making music, I’m afraid I won’t always be able to date whomever I want. Not publicly, at least.
Skyler James did it.
That thought comes to me with a hint of bitterness, but also, possibly, some hope. When Skyler came out, there was some backlash from the assholes, naturally. But ultimately, his fans seemed to embrace him even more for it.
Our careers are different, though. Skyler was pretty open with the way he expressed himself from the beginning. Through his style and the choices he made on stage. His fans were already the kind of people who embraced that.
I can’t be sure mine are.
I’m not trying to sell my fans short. In all likelihood, most average people won’t care one way or another about my sexuality. But it’s the people in charge of things that I most need to worry about. The people with power in the industry who could end my career over it.
A sigh escapes me as I peer out at the lake. Toby’s spinning in circles, his hands out and twirling through the water. He’s openly and unapologetically himself. So is my brother.
I want the chance to be like that too. But I’m not sure how much I’m willing to give up for it.
“I’ll need to tell my manager about me at some point,” I say. “Even if I don’t plan to come out publicly. But right now, I’m already in enough trouble, so it might be better if I see how things play out before I do anything else that could upset people.”
“Have you talked to your manager recently?” Andrew asks.
“Not really.”
“Then don’t you think maybe you should? Sooner rather than later? It’s your career. You don’t have to hide out like a criminal until they tell you that you’re allowed to go home.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I say, “Do you have to be right all the time?”
He grins. “I can’t help it. Some of us are naturally intelligent.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I take another sip from my drink, hoping for a bit of liquid courage, maybe. “I should call him. Waiting in this limbo is brutal. The thing is, though... as much as I want to jump back in and pick up my career where I left it in Nashville, I also kind of... don’t want to leave here.”
Andrew grins even harder. “Because of Addison?”
I kick him this time. “Yes, because of her. Because I’m enjoying my time with her. But I’m also happy to be spending time with you. And spending time in Mayweather with everyone. It feels like this whole town raised me, you know? Coming back to my roots has been refreshing.”
“But mostly because of Addison?”
“Shut up.” I shake my head. “It’s not like we’re actually dating.”
“Why not?”
“Because...” I struggle to give my pestering brother an answer. I’m pretty sure there’s multiple reasons, but I settle on, “Because I’m not staying.”
He presses his lips together in a way that looks like he’s got something to say but is holding back.
“Spit it out,” I say.
“Look, Riles. I know since you broke into the music industry, you’ve had a lot of people telling you what to do.
So I’m not going to be another person doing that.
But I want to remind you that you’re filthy rich.
You can do whatever the fuck you want. It just comes back to that tricky deal of figuring out what that is. ”
My voice sounds embarrassingly pained when I tell him, “It’s not that easy.”
“I’m not saying it is.”
“And I’m not trying to jump into a complicated relationship with Addison just because we’ve had great sex.”
He makes a face. “Okay, I’m happy for you about that, but I don’t need to hear it.”
“She told me she’s not interested in a relationship with anyone,” I add, picking at the hem of my shorts. So even if I decide I want to be with her, that doesn’t mean she’ll want to be with me.
“Was that before or after you two started things?”
I consider that for a second. “Before, I guess.”
He stays annoyingly silent now. He simply raises an eyebrow at me, then takes a long pull from his drink.
And fine, I understand his point. It’s possible that Addison’s stance on relationships could change. But I’m not cocky enough to assume that it will because of me.
“I don’t even know how I feel about her,” I say, which almost feels like a lie, but it’s true. I definitely feel something. A big something. I’m just not sure how to name it. “For now, what we’re doing is fun, and I want to keep doing it. But I’m not going to rush anything.”
Even if time is a factor here.
I have a history of jumping into relationships as soon as someone pays attention to me, though. And so far, those have never turned out well. Whatever develops between me and Addison, it needs to do so naturally. One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t force someone to feel things they don’t.
“That sounds like a good idea,” Andrew says. He reaches over to give my leg a squeeze. “And I’ll always be here if you need to talk anything else out, okay?”
That makes me smile. “Thanks, big brother.”
“Just don’t ask me for tips on sex with women, because I can’t help you there.”
My jaw drops, and I let out a shocked laugh before kicking him again, harder this time.
“Ouch, shit!” he cries, but he’s laughing too.
I give him a smug look. “I think I’m doing pretty good in that department, as a matter of fact.”
He shakes his head rapidly. “Okay, nope, no. I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have joked about it. I don’t need to know.”
I take a chug of my drink, glad to have shut him up. Although, truthfully, it feels great to be here and be able to talk to my brother about this stuff. We call each other when I’m in Nashville, but it’s not the same.
We sit in a comfortable quiet for a few minutes until Toby yells, “Hey, can one of you bring me the tube please?”
Andrew gets up to do it, slinging it like a Frisbee when he gets to the edge of the water, and then laughing when it doesn’t even come close to reaching Toby and Toby has to wade in to grab it. As he’s returning to me, Addison appears at the end of the path carrying a large wicker basket.
“Hey,” she says. “I brought food.”
I stick my drink in the chair’s cupholder and get up to greet her. “Hi! You didn’t have to do that.”
“But we’re certainly not objecting,” Andrew says.
Addison shrugs. “It’s only sandwiches, plus some cheese, crackers, and fruit.”
Taking the basket from her, I set it down beside our towels. “Thank you. That was sweet.”
She scrunches up her face like she wants to argue about being called sweet, but I don’t give her a chance.
I lean in and steal a kiss, pressing my lips to hers for a few seconds before pulling back.
She tastes like coconut chapstick, and I almost lean in for more, but then Toby whoops and cheers from the water, making me blush.
“Oh geez, ignore him,” Andrew says, shaking his head. “Actually, I’d better go join him to keep him entertained.” He quickly removes his shirt, tosses it on a towel, then turns and rushes off to the water.
“Real subtle!” I call out after him.
Addison looks at me with an amused twinkle in her eye, and I feel myself blushing again.
“So, um, I told my brother about us,” I admit. “I hope that’s okay.”
She smiles and reaches for my face, sweeping her thumb over my cheekbone. “Yeah, it’s okay, Strawberry. You’re allowed to tell whomever you want.”
“There’s not really anyone else I plan on telling.”
For a second, a dark look flashes across her face, but then she smiles again. “Right. Of course.”
I shake my head. “It’s not that I’m ashamed or anything.”
“I know.”
“I’m not ashamed of who I am,” I insist, because it’s important she understands that. “Or of you. I mean, come on. You’re so hot.”
She laughs and pulls me in for another kiss that’s brief but still somehow leaves me breathless.
Then she pulls off her shirt, revealing a simple black bikini top, and the breath gets punched out of me a second time.
If I look hard enough, I can make out the outline of her nipple rings under the thin fabric.
“Are you getting in the water?” she asks with a smirk, no doubt noticing where my eyes strayed.
“I will whenever you want to.”
She looks out to the water, where Andrew’s lying on his back on top of the inner tube, peacefully floating along.
And then Toby grabs his ankle and tries to drag him where he wants him to go, but he evidently pulls too hard, and suddenly Andrew is flipping sideways off the tube and faceplanting in the water.
He comes up sputtering and laughing and lunges for Toby, who squeals as he tries to climb on top of the tube on his stomach.
“We could just sit here for a bit,” Addison says.
“Sounds good,” I agree. “Do we need to eat the food right away?”
She shakes her head. “I used ice packs. It’ll be fine.”
I watch as she pulls a towel out of her bag and lays it out. Then she sits down in her bikini top and shorts, leaning back and bracing herself with her hands. I get my drink from the cupholder and grab one out of the cooler for her before settling beside her on my own towel.
I get distracted staring at her chest again, and when I hear her quiet laughter, I turn red, knowing I’ve been caught.
“Aren’t you getting hot?” she asks.
I’m about to say I’m fine, thinking she’s teasing me about my flushed face. But then she raises her eyebrows in what feels like a challenge, and I catch on to what she wants.
Tugging my shirt over my head, I reveal my own bikini top. Mine’s a dusty pink and a little skimpier than hers. It’s not something I’d wear in public if there was a chance I’d be photographed, but I’m happy to show it off here.
“Damn, Strawberry,” she says, her voice low.
And if I wasn’t getting hot before, I am now.
But it’s less from the heat of the sun, and more from the heat of her gaze on me.
I decide to take it a step further and shimmy out of my shorts.
Then I lie on my side to face her, propping myself up on my forearm.
She doesn’t try to hide the way she’s looking me up and down.
“I’m really glad you came,” I tell her.
“Oh yeah?”
“Mmhmm.” I reach out and place my hand on her leg, running it up until I can tease my fingers under the hem of her shorts.
She sits up and captures my hand before it can creep higher. “Let’s save that for when your brother isn’t watching.”
I glance at the water to find that Andrew was watching us, though he immediately turns his head to pretend he wasn’t.
He got in the water to give us privacy, but I can’t blame him for being curious.
I also can’t blame myself for wanting to touch Addison when she’s right here, her skin glowing under the sun.
She squeezes my hand and doesn’t let it go, resting both our hands on top of her thigh. I smile at the gesture. This is nice.
I like how she’s showing me that we can hang out casually—be something more than friends even when we’re not hooking up. It almost feels like we’re edging into dating territory, but I know that’s not true. Everything I said earlier to my brother still applies.
She’s sworn off relationships.
I’ll be leaving town soon.
We couldn’t work.
But as we chat and laugh and get buzzed on alcohol, holding hands and sneaking kisses, I let myself pretend for a while that maybe we actually could.