67 EVIE
E VIE
He didn’t return that night, and by the next day, I started to think that I had quite likely lost him for good.
Again. Maybe he wanted to be on his own.
Maybe it was that he didn’t want to be a father.
Or maybe I had to take responsibility for the fact that I’d made too many wrong decisions.
Though, in honesty, I didn’t know if that was true. We only do the very best we can.
Even I was surprised when I found myself on Alex’s doorstep the next afternoon.
“Oh god, not you again,” he said, putting on a sneer for good measure. “Well, come on, then, don’t just stand outside looking like a drowned rat.”
I smiled. “Are you always still this cranky?”
“I am, actually.” I leaned up and kissed his cheek, and he softened.
“I see. Then I suppose I shouldn’t take it personally.”
“Come sit. Tell me what you’re doing here,” he said.
“Do you mean London or your living room?”
“Both.”
Alex’s place wasn’t what you would imagine, given his reputation and public image.
It was a treed-in, sunny little bungalow in a village of North London, cozy and inviting in all its eclectic details.
There were walls of books and framed vintage Hollywood posters, with deep, cozy sofas and plenty of windows.
Chet Baker played quietly from a record player and distant speakers.
I smiled again. “I couldn’t leave without seeing you. I needed a burst of cheer and sunshine.”
He chuckled at this. “So how’s it all going? It hasn’t escaped my attention that you seem to be alone.”
I looked down, thinking. “I’m worried about him. He’s gone, Alex. He left last night, and I haven’t seen him since. And I haven’t heard from him.”
He scratched at the whiskers on his chin. “Do you want to tell me what happened? What did you do this time?”
“A lot. It’s complicated.”
“Right.”
As I talked, he disappeared and then brought me a cup of tea and one of his sweaters. “Here. Put this on. You look cold.”
“I got lost trying to find your place, and it was raining,” I said, pulling my arms into the long sleeves, wrapping up in the softened wool. “I only knew where to find you because Carter pointed toward it when we were passing by last week. I was only half sure you would answer. I like it.”
He gave me a small smile, and I could tell this pleased him more than he let on. “Well, I do aim to impress. Thanks. It’s home.”
“All alone, eh?”
He shrugged. “Sometimes. Mostly.”
“That surprises me.”
“Does it?” He paused. “Really?”
I nodded. He had so much to give. So much more to offer someone than he realized.
“There’ve been a few people, I guess. But no one quite right. Not so far, anyway. We’ll see,” he told me.
I sipped the tea slowly while we sat in companionable silence. “I leave in a couple of days,” I said eventually. “I don’t even know where to find him.”
“I do. Or at least I have a pretty good idea.”
“Know where he is, you mean?” I asked.
“Yeah. He has a place he goes to up in Yorkshire when he wants to disappear for a while. People leave him alone there.”
“Will you tell me where it is?”
“Will you promise to leave if I do?”
“Maybe,” I said with a laugh.
“But I’d let him be. You know him. He needs to work things out in his own way.”
I looked away, collecting my thoughts. “Do you ever wish you could go back in time, Alex?”
“Definitely not. Life’s hard enough the first time around.
” He paused. “But maybe once or twice. There are a couple of things that would be nice to change.” I leaned on his shoulder like I used to, both of us finding comfort in the familiarity.
Funny how things turn out with people, isn’t it?
Those we think would be the least likely, sometimes end up meaning the most. “So what’s next for you? ” he asked, lacing his arm in mine.
“I’m not sure, I guess. Home. Kids. I have to get my life together. Make some changes. For so long, I’ve been living with the ghost of my past with Carter, trying to make my life look a certain way. I think I’m done with all that. I think it’s time to move on and get a fresh start.”
“With him or without?”
“I don’t think it’s up to me anymore. If there’s something I’ve learned from my mistakes, it’s that I can’t make decisions for people.
I love him. I’ll always love him. And I know I want a life with him.
That’s the best I can do. Maybe it’ll be enough.
But it might not be this time.” He nodded.
“Do you think he’ll come back?” I asked quietly.
“I don’t know. Could you blame him if he didn’t?”
I looked away. “No. I suppose not.”
“Ev, you didn’t just leave him. You left all of us. It’s going to take some time.”
“I know.”
“And you left me.”
I nodded sadly. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve missed you, so much.”
He sighed heavily. “Yeah. Me too.”
We sat for a while that afternoon, Alex and I, catching up on life while he brewed another cup of tea and flipped to more jazz. When I left that day, I leaned up and kissed his cheek. I was almost to the door when he spoke.
“Maybe you two will work it out, Ev. Maybe you won’t this time. But whatever happens, know this ... he was always a lucky man to have you. You both were. And he’d be a fucking idiot to let you go this time. Okay?”
My eyes filled with tears, and I swallowed against them. “Okay.”
He nodded, watching me closely. “Don’t be a stranger, Ev. Promise?”
I did promise him. And when I left that day, he hugged me goodbye. Kissed the side of my head.
Just as I was walking out, he called after me one more time. “Hey, Ev.”
“Yeah?”
“I saw you first.” He gave me the smallest smile. “Don’t forget.”
I nodded, smiling in return at the old joke between us. “Yes, you did. And I won’t.”