19. Ryland
Ryland
Icouldn’t sleep. My mind refused to shut down enough for me to rest and I was exhausted.
Somee tapped out after our third round and snuggled up next to me in her bed.
While she slept peacefully, I stared into the darkness of her room, thinking about all the reasons I fucking cared about not having the chance to speak my peace to a woman that never even crossed my mind for so many years.
Felicia didn’t matter to me because I had survived a life after her and was happy. I had an amazing career and parents who loved me the way she never had, but here I was, wide awake, struggling to make sense of emotions I shouldn’t have.
I was angry for so many reasons. Felicia was never a mother to me or my sister.
She gave me away, left Rylee. The anger made sense.
I could process that, understand where the feelings came from, but the tightness in my chest that I could only describe as hurt made no fucking sense.
Losing Felicia shouldn’t hurt. With the way she’d tossed me out of her life, I should have been poppin’ bottles up in this bitch.
I glanced down at Somee who shifted at my side.
Her head was on my chest and her leg was draped over mine while I was on my back with one arm tucked beneath her and the other resting at my side.
Even if my feelings about Felicia didn’t make sense, the ones I had for Somee did.
I couldn’t fuck this up, which meant I needed to get past all this unnecessary emotional shit wasting energy that could be better served focused on Rylee and Somee.
I exhaled a sigh and carefully eased away from Somee and climbed out of bed.
It was just after eight and there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was going to get any sleep, so I decided to stop pretending.
With sluggish movements and stiff muscles, I made my way to the bathroom where I took a piss then washed my face and brushed my teeth.
I pressed my palms into the counter, staring at myself in the mirror until I heard movement at the door and turned to find Somee, sleepy-eyed with hair all over her head, frowning at me.
“You okay?”
“I’m good.”
She searched my face for a minute then nodded, shuffling into the bathroom, where she pulled up the T-shirt she’d slept in, yanked her panties down, and plopped onto the toilet.
I grinned because she was comfortable enough to not give a damn about me being in here.
She finished, wiped, flushed, and bumped me out of the way to wash her hands before shoving a toothbrush into her mouth.
I leaned against the counter, watching Somee brush her teeth before washing her face, looking more awake by the time she was done. After all of those steps and products for her skincare, there was no way she wouldn’t be. That shit took focus and an engineering degree.
“I need matcha.” Her hands moved lazily before she pushed past me leaving the bathroom.
I followed her into the kitchen and sat at the table tracking her movements while she prepared one of those nasty ass green drinks she was always sipping.
The shit tasted like chalk but Somee loved them.
She didn’t bother offering me one since I had shot her down enough times already.
She went to the refrigerator to pour me a glass of orange juice instead.
We did a Shop to Door order last night to grab a few things since her mom had cleared out the refrigerator a week after Somee left.
After she was seated in front of me with her feet propped up on my thigh, legs crossed at the ankles, her eyes were closed while she cuffed the mug in her hands, taking the first sip. I laughed when her pretty ass smiled like that nasty shit gave her life.
She placed the mug on the table and her hands were moving. “You didn’t sleep?”
“How the hell you know if I went to sleep? You were dreaming before I pulled my dick out of you.”
Those pretty eyes rolled as she smiled. “Your fault, not mine. Orgasms are a natural sedative.”
I chuckled. “Then the way I deliver them makes me your personal pusher. Straight up, no chaser.”
“Just gonna run with that,” she signed, rolling her eyes.
“Am I lying?”
She grinned and lifted her mug, drinking a few more sips then asking a question when she was done instead of answering mine. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
I laughed, shaking my head because every time this woman wanted my truths, I handed them over like a gotdamn pussy.
But I damn sure didn’t feel like one. Being open with Somee about the things that had my mind tied up and my chest feeling weighted made me feel more like a man than I could explain in simple words.
Omiri said shit like that all the time when it came to his relationship with Makari and I never understood what it meant until right now.
Feeling secure enough to be open and vulnerable with a woman was grown man shit.
Having a woman I trusted enough to allow her to see the parts of me that weren’t whole, knowing she wouldn’t see me as any less of a man, had my ego in check.
“I’m scared to do this shit today.”
“Bury your mother?” Her expression softened.
“Yeah. I don’t know how it’s going to go. I feel like she owes me something and I’m never gonna be able to collect. She took the easy way out and I’m fucking pissed…”
I curled my fingers into my palm so damn tightly that my hand ached until Somee moved out of her chair and into my lap.
The softness and warmth of her skin and the weight of her body on mine relaxed me.
“But you’re hurt too because you’re losing something you wanted but never got from F-E-L-I-C-I-A.
Something you will never have because of what she did. ”
My chest was tight again and I nodded. “I was never sad. I never fucking cried because she didn’t give a damn about me. Not once.”
“Then maybe you should. You can do that now, here, while it’s just me.”
She scooted closer and looped her arms around my neck, pulling me into her chest. I lifted mine and locked them behind her back, holding her so damn tightly I wasn’t even sure she could breathe and released years of not feeling like I was good enough, not understanding why that woman never loved me the way she should have as I fucking cried like a baby.
Somee held me tightly, allowing us to be in the moment, replacing all those emotionally dark spaces with a light I wasn’t even sure I deserved. I felt her. I felt her love. And I knew I was never letting this woman go.
Never fucking leaving…
Two hours later we were pulling up to the spot where Felicia would be buried. I felt lighter and at peace. It was crazy how you can carry something for years and never realize how much it affected you until you let it go.
When I stepped out of the SUV and rounded the back to let Somee out on the other side, she moved into my personal space and dropped her head back to look up at me. “You okay?”
I nodded and dropped my head until my mouth reached hers for a kiss. When I had her eyes again, she smiled. “That wasn’t an answer.”
“I’m good,” I said without signing.
I moved Somee out the way and shut the door, moving to the front passenger’s side to let Des know they could wait in the truck. but my attention moved back to Somee when she waved her hand, bringing my eyes to her. “You invited Omiri?”
I frowned hard as hell, confused by why she was asking about Omiri until she motioned behind me and I turned to find him standing a few feet away with Makari at his side.
The fuck is he doing here?
I extended my hand to Somee and locked our fingers while we made our way to them.
It was cold as hell out here. Not even the suit and wool coat I wore was enough.
The wind was cutting through me, so I pulled Somee into my side, knowing she had to be freezing her ass off in the dress she’d picked for today.
Her coat was thinner than mine. Some shit she kept saying was cute that I knew wouldn’t keep her warm worth a damn.
“What you doing here, O?”
“You’re my muthafuckin’ family, why wouldn’t you expect me to be?” His expression was serious when he stared me down like I had wronged his ass for not being the one who gave him the heads up that he needed to be here.
“I learned a long time ago not to expect things from people.”
“You don’t have to expect shit from people, but I’m your brother, Land. You know I’m always gonna step behind you, no matter what, because I know you’ll do the same for me.”
He pulled me into a hug, speaking lowly so I was the only one who could hear him. “I know how you feel about her but I also know she’s still the reason you’re breathing. I’m sorry.”
“’Preciate that.” I stepped back and brushed a hand over my head.
Omiri still had both of his parents, if they could even be called that but he also understood what it meant to not be enough in their eyes.
His relationship with his parents was more complicated than what I had to deal with when it came to Felicia.
A mother who hated him because she loved a man who didn’t love her properly.
Omiri was his father’s twin, so every time she looked at my boy, all she saw was his old man.
Then there was his father who only stepped to him with his hand out.
He loved his son, but he loved the lifestyle Omiri provided him with even more.
“Hey…” Makari stepped to me with a soft smile. “I’m sorry about Felicia.”
“’Preciate that.” She hugged me and smiled when she pulled away.
“I guess this means I have to pretend that I care about you, at least for today.”
I smiled. “Nah, keep it one hundred.”
“Aight, fuck you then.” I laughed before she turned to Somee and hugged her, signing that she liked her dress.