18. this is what falling in love feels like
EIGHTEEN
THIS IS WHAT FALLING IN LOVE FEELS LIKE
Halle
It’s been two and a half weeks since my date with Cade and I feel lighter than ever. I don’t feel like I have to hide my feelings for him, or question his for me.
Every morning since the date, he’s left a note and coffee at my doorstep for me. He must have caught on to my morning walk routine. I’ve kept all the notes, pinning them up next to the previous one on my calendar, each stuck on the day he left it. On their own, the notes don’t make a whole lot of sense, but as they keep coming, they add to each other, reading like poems. It wouldn’t be too far of a reach to think they could be lyrics, considering it’s Cade. After the amount of times I’ve imagined Cade writing a song for me, I have to pinch myself to believe it could be happening now, for real.
Some days, his notes make me blush, others I’m left flustered, but on most, I feel like a detective trying my best to decode the complete message. I run my finger over the row of scribbled notes, thinking that it’ll help me make sense of it all.
I’ve tried to sing the lines together, imagining how they could fit together to make a song. With all of the time I spend around the band, I thought I would know their style well enough to figure it out, but I haven’t been able to string together a melody. I’ve always been a fan of music, but I’m not musically talented by any means outside of playlist making.
Haven’t slept in days, I’m too lost in your haze
My friends all say I’m sporting new grays
a fool for thinking your feelings would change
I think they can’t see you looking at me
When it’s only us, do my eyes deceive me?
Can’t take them off you
not in the green room
never out of view
your head to your shoes
You’re the best thing
not like the rest thing
the only thing that could distract me
not another fling
it could be the real thing
with all these damn feelings
Always your best friend, not the one you’re datin’
Can’t wait to see you tonight!!
I don’t think the newest note from today goes with the rest; Tryhard’s playing a show tonight, so I think he’s actually saying he can’t wait to see me.
I haven’t asked him about the notes—I want to wait to see if he drops hints, or if I can piece them together a bit better—and I think it’s getting under his skin that I haven’t said anything about them yet.
The show later isn’t like the band’s regular gigs at the smaller venues in the city, it’s going to be an outdoor concert as part of a block party fundraiser put on by some of the university’s student organizations. The athletic teams, fraternities and sororities, and student government competed in ticket sales for the concert, food pantry donations, and a kickball tournament. The baseball team sold the most tickets to the show and won that portion, obviously.
Jubilee is a sponsor for the event, so Jerry scheduled the store team to help with the set-up and tear-down of the stage and all sound and lighting equipment, so I get to work double duty tonight. During the show, when my coworkers are on break enjoying the music from the crowd, I’ll be working the merch table.
Our call time for today is noon and we might be there until midnight, so I’ve already cracked open a Red Bull to sip on while I get ready instead of starting easy with my usual coffee. I finish getting dressed and grab a few tote bags out of my closet that have collegiate themed pieces I pulled together for the Tryhard guys to wear for the show. I plop the bags down in front of my bedroom door so I don’t forget to go drop them off with Cade on my way out.
There’s all kinds of options—old baseball tees courtesy of Abbott that I got Tryhard logos screen printed over, vintage Hemlock State sweatshirts I thrifted, and some denim jackets I painted on the backs of. I can’t wait to see what all the guys end up choosing. Obviously, I have visions of who I think will wear what, and what I hope to see Cade wear, but I want to let the guys pick for themselves and let their individual styles shine.
I thought I did a good job of pacing myself while getting ready, but by the time I finish, I realize that I’m running late to pick Ruby up. I grab the bag of clothes for the band and hustle to the kitchen to get myself a second energy drink, and run out to my car.
I pull up to the garage and Cade’s already there waiting for me. He can definitely tell I’m running behind because he opens my trunk and starts loading the merch boxes in before I even make it out of the car myself. With Cade’s help, my stop takes less than two minutes and I’m able to get on the road toward Ruby as fast as possible. I wish we could have said more than a few words to each other in passing, but I’m hopeful we’ll get to talk more before or after his set later.
“Nice shirts.”
I jump at hearing Cade’s voice sneak up behind me.
“Thanks.” I laugh while I turn around to face him. “But you’ve seen them a million times before,” I exaggerate and flash him a quick smile while I continue setting up the merch table.
I sneak a glance at him over the shirts I’m organizing. A curl separates itself from the rest on his forehead and I imagine twirling it around in my fingers. Cade turns his head just enough that the light catches on his otherwise subtle silver nose ring. My gaze falls down to his arms and I mentally trace over his tattoos. I can hear his voice telling me about each of them—what they mean, why he got them.
The rest of the band catches up to Cade and they start fawning over the merch, picking up the pieces I just laid out and taking pictures to put on their stories. I got carried away in a side conversation with Cade and didn’t realize how badly they were messing up my arrangement. A terribly folded T-shirt being set on the table by Beau catches my eye and I can’t help but interrupt Cade to scold the boys.
“Hey!” I step out from my spot behind the table and make my way into their huddle in the front. “I’m glad you want to show off the merch, but you’re making a mess. Not trying to be a fun-sucker, but I’ve been working really hard on making it look nice and now I have to redo everything.” I tried to be bossy, but I can never actually be mad at them, so it ended up being more of a joke than a real talking to.
They all are cracking up—teasing and throwing blame on each other from getting caught. When the laughter dies down, Beau starts asking for forgiveness the best way he knows how to—sucking up.
“Halle, have I ever told you how amazing you are at what you do? I mean look at all of us!” He pauses and gestures at the guys. “We look so cool all thanks to being fitted up by the one and only Halle Cooper, the most professional merch girl and Tryhard’s biggest, greatest, and wait– what is it again?” He looks around for someone else to finish his sentence, not able to remember the inside joke himself.
“Greatest and biggest and most dedicated fan,” Cade asserts. Of course he wouldn’t have forgotten what he said about me the night I practically named the band, even if it was over a year ago.
“You’re right, Beau, you all look great thanks to your greatest and biggest and most dedicated fan. What ever would you all do without me?!” I dramatize.
“We definitely wouldn’t have this good of merch,” Zack adds, picking a T-shirt back up off the table. “But this—is definitely going to sell out tonight.” He drops it back onto the table, ignoring the fact that I just told them to stop messing it up. It’s the thought that counts, and what he said was really nice. Does he actually believe it’s going to sell out? Or is he just trying to hype me up? Either way, it does make me feel confident going into the night.
“Guys look!” Beau shouts and everyone’s heads shoot in his direction. He’s pointing at the check-in tables. “Ab just got here, and looks like Danny and Mason are with him, we should go catch ‘em.” He runs off toward them with Zack and Logan following close behind.
My eyes fall back onto the table that I need to fix back up.
“Here, let me help.” Cade scrambles to the table and starts rapidly refolding the shirts and neatly laying them back into stacks. “Anything else I can help with?” he asks when he finishes laying down the last one.
“This looks so great, Cade, thank you so much. But, you’ve got a show to get ready to play, don’t waste your precious time at my table of all places,” I advise, as much as I want every second I can get with him.
“Whatever you say, Valentine.” He shrugs off my comment and reaches his hand out toward me.
I reluctantly bring my hand to meet his, unsure if that’s what he wants. He raises our hands up to his lips and lightly presses a kiss to my knuckles. A swarm of butterflies rise from my stomach to my chest, leaving a resounding warm feeling.
“But for the record—” Cade pauses and drops my hand back to my side. “You’re never a waste of my precious time.” A self-satisfied smirk takes shape on his face and then he waltzes around the table and sits down in one of my folding chairs.
Zack ended up being right, the tee he picked up sold out. Not only that, but all of my merch boxes ended up empty by the end of Tryhard’s set. I thought I brought enough with me to have some leftovers to pack up at the end of the night, but I guess this is my sign to start upping order quantities and the amount I bring to each show. It was so surreal to see people all over the crowd wearing or holding things I designed. I can’t help but think about how many Tryhard tote bags could start being carried around campus, and that thought makes my heart flutter.
On the drive home, Ruby and I talk all about how the day couldn’t have been any more perfect. Even with the long hours spent working, we were doing exactly what we love, and we got to do it together.
We’re too tired to have the type of sleepovers we usually do. There will be no snacking, movie-watching, or staying up talking about anything and everything. There will simply be sleeping, which I know we have both been looking forward to since the event ended and we had to tear down.
We get back to my apartment and quietly make our way upstairs. I go to the bathroom and start my nighttime routine, trying not to wake Mel because she has an early call in the morning for some sort of internship interview. I don’t know the exact details, just that it’s really important to her. She’s had an extremely specific plan since high school for her career timeline and everything she needs to accomplish to land her dream job.
My eyes flutter closed. The water I pooled in my hands feels refreshing as I wash my face. I catch the water that drips down my chin with a towel, patting my face dry. I start to brush my teeth, and my eyes fight to stay open.
Dream jobs.
I’ve always had a hard time thinking about the idea of a dream job, or what mine would be. Those doubts started to fade day by day as I started taking design and learning the ropes of working in music more seriously. Today proved that my dreams of working behind the scenes in the music industry are realistic, that I’ve worked so hard and it’s paying off a lot sooner than I ever would’ve expected. I can’t get my mind off the fact that all the merch I brought to the event sold by the end of Tryhard’s set.
I spit out the toothpaste and rinse my mouth with fluoride. I walk into my room and over to my bed, wiggling under the blankets. I think about the wish I made on that shooting star last month as sleep overcomes me. Could this be the start of my great story?