Chapter 30 #2
Jen looked at me with a tender expression. “You’ve really thought this through.”
Of course I had. Every moment of every day that I wasn’t at Gwenynen, I wanted to be.
I was constantly planning how to get back – how to grow the business, how to make new products like the soap, learning better hive management techniques, pouring over weather forecasts and humidity data and soil readings to make sure everything went perfectly.
“Coming back late this year was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time,” I admitted, “but I thought it would save us enough money to make a difference. Except, now that I’m here, it feels like it’s just as far away as ever, and I don’t know what else to do.”
“Well, this is a good start,” Jen said, pointing at my phone. “We’re still not quite there, but this makes it more doable than I thought it would be. I’m annoyed I didn’t think of the rent thing. It’s a great idea.”
“Right?” I responded excitedly, but Jen held up a finger.
“This will take time and hard work, Ted. I don’t even pay myself as much as you’re suggesting the rent would be, and there’s still more to make up. I need to factor in Chloe’s salary, too.”
I felt myself wilt, even as a smile crept over my face. I was happy for her, even paired with the knowledge that it meant things taking longer for me. “You’re giving her the job?”
“She’s the best shot we have,” Jen said, and I knew it was true. “Are you telling me you think it’s a mistake?”
I thought of how many times Chloe had surprised me, doing something borderline miraculous while making it look easy as hell. How much she loved Gwenynen, and the mead, and the bees, and this life. How at home she was here.
I shook my head. “No, it’s the right thing to do.”
“I know you want this,” she said, bringing me into a hug and stroking my hair the way she had when I was a grieving college kid. “But the farm is a lonely life, Teddy. I’ve been isolated here for years, especially after we lost your mom. I don’t want that for you.”
I pulled back to look at her, sensing that we weren’t talking about the job anymore. We were talking about Chloe, yes, but we were talking about Jen herself, too.
If I were going to ask, now was my moment.
“Maybe not so isolated anymore?”
“What on earth do you mean?” Jen asked, faux bluster in her voice, huffing out an almost-laugh.
I narrowed my eyes in a knowing look. “Come on, Jen. I see the way you light up around Maggie. She’s not just your farmhand, and you know it.”
She sighed deeply enough to let me know I wasn’t far off the mark. “It’s complicated—”
“Everything’s complicated,” I said firmly. “But if you have a chance at happiness, you should take it. Don’t let fear keep you from good things.”
The irony of giving that advice given my own feelings wasn’t lost on me, but Jen didn’t seem to notice the parallels, going pink as she looked down at the table in front of her. She was quiet for a long moment, considering.
“I’m not sure what the right way forward is,” she said finally. “With any of this. But we can figure it out together, can’t we? Like we always have.”
I nodded, feeling some of the tension in my chest ease. “Yeah. We can figure it out.” Even if I had to do it from thousands of miles away.
“I love you, kid.” She brought a hand to my cheek and rubbed it lightly, and I leaned into her warmth.
“Love you, too.”
I still didn’t know what to do about Chloe – I didn’t like the idea of having to watch from a distance as she lived the life I wanted.
But we all wanted the same thing, and for now, I needed to let myself trust Jen, because I was getting nowhere keeping everyone at arm’s length.
Maybe she was right, and I should just follow her lead.
And maybe, as painful as it was, I should follow Chloe’s, too, even if everything in me wanted to throw caution to the wind for once in my life.
* * *
That did nothing for all my pent-up energy, though, and the week was far too hot to take out my frustrations in the garden like I wanted to.
I would start the day throwing myself into big jobs like mowing the paths to the hives and mending fences, but by half past ten it would be unbearable outside.
I even absconded to Fatima’s one day when I knew Chloe wouldn’t be there, enduring being pressed for details I didn’t want to give up in exchange for a bit of cool air.
I didn’t tell Fatima what had happened between Chloe and me; I liked Fatima, but I didn’t know which side she’d come down on if she knew things hadn’t gone well.
So, I kept my embarrassment to myself, regaling her instead with the wedding antics I could share.
By the time D the farm had always felt so complete and perfect to me before Chloe had come along, but now, without her, it felt empty. Hollow, even.
Her birthday was coming up soon, just after the festival, and I still hadn’t decided what to get her. I knew I wanted to make her something, but I was already struggling to stay outside long enough to do my farm chores, so it needed to be something I could do inside.
At Fatima’s on Thursday night, the idea came to me.
Chloe and I had a particularly intense moment of roleplay, and I could feel the emotion from the weekend bubbling over into the way she spoke to me. It wasn’t just the two of us who had grown closer, and it turned out Calamity was just as terrified of that as Chloe was.
In a moment of highest stakes, instead of making a roleplay decision, Chloe rolled the dice. And the dice landed in my favour.
Okay, fine, my character’s favour. But still.
I couldn’t stand the thought of watching her avoid eye contact with me at the pub, so I headed off straight away, and the whole way home I marvelled at the similarities in our characters’ situation and our real-life one.
And it infuriated me that we had to roll the dice and hope for a critical success; wait to see how things played out.
That the situation we both worked so hard to shape was still desperately out of our control.
Because I knew, deep down, that Chloe felt the same as me. That if we both knew that our futures at Gwenynen were secured, she’d want to give us a shot. To roll those dice. But life wasn’t a game, the dice weren’t weighted, and things might not work out how we wanted them to.
And that’s when I knew what to make Chloe for her birthday. Because even if things couldn’t work out between us, I would do everything I could to help her succeed.