Chapter 35
Teddy
The big event we’d been working toward for months was finally over, and it felt very much like an ending, despite the fact that the farm was clearly at the beginning of something.
I was helping mop the warehouse floor, listening to the beep of the forklift outside as the temporary stage was loaded up and driven away.
I pushed the mop in slow figures of eight, redistributing puddles of soapy water, the echo of every small movement ricocheting off the hard surfaces of the warehouse.
I’d been thinking a lot in the rain yesterday about what the next six months would look like for me.
It was crystal clear that I’d be going home, but what did that entail?
I’d wrapped things up this spring so conclusively, almost as if I were moving permanently to Wales.
I’d sold my van, for fuck’s sake. What had I been thinking?
I’d be literally homeless when I flew back.
Except for my childhood home, I guessed, though I wasn’t sure I was ready to worry about Dad to the level I’d need to if we lived together.
His calls had been even less frequent than usual this summer, and I was pretty sure it was because he’d slid down into the depths of his depression.
His alcoholism. Whatever reality he escaped to that was better than the one where he’d lost Mom.
He’d finally texted me, letting me know he was going to try to get some work at a climbing gym, but I was wary of feeling too hopeful. We’d been here before.
So, no, I didn’t want to live with him. But I’d found my hand gravitating more and more toward the coin around my neck as my departure loomed, wondering if maybe I did have it in me now to try harder with him.
I also didn’t know how I felt about restarting my nomadic existence.
I was far from old, but I was getting tired of feeling so untethered.
This summer had taught me a lot of things, one of which was that having friends – having a support system outside of Gwenynen – felt good.
And while my support system here was all tied up in Chloe, maybe it was time to think about building one back home.
No matter what my next step looked like, though, I needed to take it.
I didn’t feel like waiting around for the inevitable to play out – not with Chloe, and not with Jen.
Maybe in a few months’ time, when I came back, Chloe and I could see where we stood.
But for now, I was pretty sure we needed space, even if I didn’t want it.
Lying in bed last night, I’d moved my flight. And it was much sooner than I knew Chloe or Jen was expecting. But it was high time to go.
Chloe came in mid-morning to say goodbye, tiptoeing around the parts of the floor I’d already mopped, visible from the wet sheen glistening in the sunlight that spilled through the open doors.
Jen had insisted Chloe take the next couple of weeks off, which meant she’d be back just in time for what they both thought would be my last week of the season.
In reality, we’d see each other at D happy for her.
Jen spent a lot of the meeting making it clear to me that she wasn’t trying to edge me out.
That she wanted me around like she’d said.
She’d done the budget all the way out to next year, making sure I could see that she could afford my pay even with Chloe on board, and for the full six months this time.
It was nice to see how important it was to her to make me feel wanted, but part of me wondered if the whole thing was maybe a bit Sisyphean.
Would we ever be in a position for me to join full time?
Or would we just keep pushing it to next year, and then the next, like we had for years?
And if so, how long could I keep this up?
“So, it’s official, then?” I asked as Jen set a mug of tea on the table in front of me. “You’re hiring Chloe permanently?”
“That’s the plan,” she said, sitting down next to me. “That still okay with you?”
“You don’t need my permission,” I said, then laughed at the beleaguered look she gave me. “But yes, I think it’s the right thing to do.”
“I’m sorry, Ted,” she said, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me in so my head rested on her shoulder. “I’d have you in a heartbeat if I could.”
“I know,” I said, and I really did.
In bed later, I went through the numbers on my laptop for the millionth time, wishing something were different; hoping for a Hail Mary. But it all came out the same. And like it or not, it was time to fly the nest, even if I was leaving behind the people I loved.
I just had a very important party to attend first.
* * *
On Thursday, after doing some garden planning and going over fall and winter hive management protocols again with Maggie and Jen, I got ready for Chloe’s birthday party.
I changed clothes several times, wanting to look right for the last time I’d see her before leaving.
I wrapped up her presents one inside the other – something I’d been working on for weeks, and something else I hoped she wouldn’t think was weird – and drove into town, my stomach churning with nervous energy.
I fidgeted with her handmade gift as I drove, then tucked it back inside the folds of the makeshift wrapping as I parked in front of Fatima’s.
Chloe greeted me at the door, and I nearly stumbled when I saw what she was wearing. That yellow corset: the same one she’d been wearing the first time we’d met at the Ren Faire seven months ago.
I wondered what the version of me from that day would say if she knew I was now completely in love with this woman.
“You bitch,” I said, smiling down at her.
“Thought you’d appreciate this,” she said, tugging at the fabric.
“That I do.”
“Single use, my ass.” She caught my eye and smirked up at me – she knew exactly what she was doing. Now I’d be fighting with myself not to unlace that corset in my mind – or, hell, even in real life – in front of her friends.
Everyone seemed excited, though maybe a little surprised, to see me. Clearly, they knew something had happened between Chloe and me.
“Have you thought any more about that hike?” Jack asked as we settled around the dining table. “I was thinking we could wait until it cools down a bit more, but it’s meant to be really good in the early autumn.”