Chapter 31
T he calendar and financial year end was fast approaching, and I still had a lot to do to ensure we achieved all the financial targets set for us. I felt like I was being dragged in hundreds of different directions, and soon, things seemed to slip out of my control.
I hadn’t completed all my CPD hours either, and Diane kept reminding me of that every day. I’d signed up for some online courses but kept failing the tests. It was unlike me; I usually passed them at the first attempt.
‘Hi, Ricky, can I see you in the meeting room in five minutes?’ I asked, walking over to his desk.
The young surveyor gave me his best confused look. ‘Am I in trouble?’
‘What makes you think that?’
‘You’ve never called me Ricky before.’
I was processing his words for a while, feeling trapped in a dream – I hadn’t been sleeping well lately and needed caffeine to function. But I’d already had three cups and was trying to delay the fourth shot.
‘I just wanted to go through a few items on our next payment application to make sure we don’t forget to include anything when we press the button on it tomorrow,’ I told him.
‘You normally send me a meeting invite for this like a week before – is everything okay?’
‘Yeah, I guess I just forgot. Are you free then, or have you got something else in your diary?’
‘Is it okay if I pop out to grab some lunch first?’
The clock on the wall said it was already one o’clock .
I nodded and declined his offer to get me something, but when he left, I realised I’d forgotten to bring a sandwich. It was okay though – recently, I didn’t have much appetite.
As I was staring at my laptop, trying to make sense of some figures on a financial report, Jenny came over. ‘Oh, sweetie, have you slept at all? You’ve got huge bags under your eyes.’
It appeared I’d once more become the target of her motherly instinct. And I was glad there were no witnesses to this conversation and the nickname she’d now given me, though at least it wasn’t the Wicked Witch of the West.
I sighed. ‘Yeah. It’s just one of those days.’
‘Are you sure you’re okay, sweetie?’
If she called me ‘sweetie’ one more time, I’d scream.
‘I’m fine. I’ll just go get some coffee. Do you want some?’
The shock on her face made me pause. ‘What?’ I asked.
‘You’ve never offered to get me a drink before.’
Actually, I didn’t think I’d ever made one for anyone except David, but I wasn’t going to mention that.
‘Well, do you want one or not?’
‘Tea please – milk, one sugar.’
It was only Dean and Ardas in the kitchen, munching on their lunches, sharing one table. Between bites, they were chatting about sports. I wondered whether they were always this friendly with each other when they thought no one could see them. But even before they noticed me, their calm discussion had turned into an argument about which football team was the best in the league, and Ardas stormed out, leaving his half-empty food container behind. It made me wonder who’d won the World Cup and the office collection pot. I’d never thought to check.
While I was still busy with the kettle, Dean got a phone call, packed up the remains of his lunch, and left, leaving me on my own.
Normally, I’d have been happy to have the kitchen to myself, but today I craved some company. It all seemed very quiet without Adam. I wondered what he was up to. Was he considering going back to being a sports massage therapist? He definitely had the right hands for that. Trying to chase away the vivid memories of his touch on my skin, I kept reminding myself that he was better off without me.
I returned upstairs and placed a mug on Jenny’s desk.
‘It’s coffee,’ she noted, looking at me, concerned.
We stared at each other until I recalled she’d asked for tea.
‘Sorry – I’m not with it today.’
‘It’s fine, sweetie,’ she said. ‘You know it’s not too late.’
‘Too late for what?’
‘Never mind.’
But I knew what she meant. I’d heard the Chinese whispers sailing through the office about Adam popping by a few days ago to drop off his Secret Santa present and that his plane wasn’t leaving until midnight on the fifteenth – which was today. And I was now certain Jenny had read the witness statement I’d left in the scanner, probably along with many other colleagues.
‘I’ll get you another one,’ I offered.
‘Don’t worry – I’ll sort myself.’
As soon as she left, Diane invited me into her office. It was the same size as the office I used to share with David. The layout was similar, but there wasn’t a second desk, only more filing cabinets. Her desk was neat like mine, but she kept a family photo on it.
‘Listen, if this is about my CPD hours, I’m working on them. I’ve still got a week to complete them.’
‘It’s not about that.’ She took a deep inhale before continuing, ‘I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved, but I have a professional duty to say something. So there you go: it’s a mess, and for everyone’s sake, please clean it up.’
‘What is?’ I turned to look at my desk through her internal window. She was right; some files were stacked in the wrong order, and some pencils were scattered around. I could see my laptop screen; I’d forgotten to lock it again. But the most inexcusable of all was that my lovely birthday plant had wilted.
‘You,’ she said. ‘You’re pathetic. ’
‘ Excuse me ?’
‘Everyone knows you’re in love with Adam, yet you’re letting him go. It’s like watching Romeo and Juliet – not fun.’
‘My personal life is no one’s business.’ I should have told Jenny the same, but she’d stopped just in time.
How on earth did Diane keep tabs on what was happening outside her office? She always appeared so busy and aloof – she must have eyes everywhere, like the Oracle.
Oracle. The Matrix. Adam.
If only my thoughts didn’t always come back to him.
‘As a mental health ambassador, I’m here to look after the team’s mental well-being,’ Diane continued. ‘The way you currently are isn’t just harmful for you, it doesn’t do any good for your team either. You haven’t been yourself lately, and they need the strong leader they’re used to. We all do – if you suffer, the whole contract suffers.’
‘You don’t understand. If Adam and I were a couple, we’d just end up killing each other…’ The words came out unexpectedly. It appeared it wasn’t just the commercial team I’d lost control over but my mouth. What is wrong with me?
‘Evelyn, do you hear yourself? You’re saying you’re afraid to get hurt, but you’re already in pain… I saw Adam the other morning; he didn’t look good either,’ she said. ‘Anyway, I can see we’re getting nowhere here. At least I tried…’
I was amazed that her face and voice still hadn’t revealed any emotions, despite our heated discussion. If Adam thought I had a good poker face, he couldn’t have spent much time with Diane.
‘Was that it?’ I asked.
‘No. Can you please take some photos tonight for the January newsletter? I won’t be able to make the Christmas party. Last year, I asked Selena, but she only remembered to take some when everyone was already hammered, so they were completely unusable. I need some decent photos please.’
It wasn’t a surprise – Diane had never attended such events.
I nodded and fled .
As soon as I settled back in my seat, the office was filled with the noise of fire doors banging and metal stairs clinking as our colleagues returned from their lunch break. Soon, Ricky appeared next to me, reminding me that we had a meeting scheduled, which I’d already forgotten about.
*
This year, Selena had arranged for the office to exchange Secret Santa gifts on the day of the Christmas party; she’d expected everyone to be in. We all gathered in the meeting room around the oval table. Ardas and Chrissy had just returned from their site, still wearing hi-vis jackets and hard hats. Dean was the last to arrive, so the only person missing still was David; I hadn’t seen him all day. However, we decided to start without him so we could return to work as soon as possible.
Selena handed out the gifts from a massive cardboard box. The most notable ones were Joel’s personalised wine glass with a funny but vulgar inscription – it appeared some things wouldn’t change, but to his credit, he stank less now in the mornings (someone must have spoken to him; perhaps it had been Adam before he left) – then Chrissy’s nicotine patches, and Ardas’s laser target gun alarm clock. I assumed his Secret Santa thought it would help with his anger management issues. As for me, I got a pair of hand warmers, likely from Selena, as they had a picture of puppies on them.
‘Look, there’s another one for Evelyn!’ exclaimed Chrissy as Selena lifted out the last present and handed it to me.
‘Open it,’ Jenny prompted.
I removed the gold ribbon from the soft package, and even before I unfolded the reindeer-themed wrapping paper, I knew what was inside.
‘I’ve never seen an uglier scarf,’ said Katie with a grimace as I held it up.
‘It’s beautiful,’ I whispered, admiring the handmade, orange-green item. I was struggling to hold back my tears .
‘How come she gets two presents?’ huffed Katie. ‘And where’s mine? Selena, did you mix up the names and put Evelyn’s twice in the hat instead of mine?’
Before Selena could respond to the allegation, Ardas opened his mouth. ‘I got you,’ he told Katie. ‘But never in my life have I bought anything for a nasty bitch, and I’m not going to start now. Quickly, shoo, why don’t you run and report me to HR too?’
Katie looked at Ardas in horror then turned her head left and right, waiting for support. When no one said anything, she stomped in frustration and stormed out of the room.
I suppressed a smile and could tell the others were also barely able to contain themselves, but they didn’t comment, trying to maintain the illusion of professionalism. Dean was the bravest and walked up to Ardas to high-five him. I hoped this would finally conclude the series of pranks between the two men.
Unfortunately, this remained only wishful thinking on my part. But I certainly didn’t expect the sight that awaited us back in the open-plan office: Ardas’s desk and chair were completely covered in toilet roll, with a giant red bow tied on them.
‘Ta-da! My Christmas present to you. I love you, man!’ Dean said, chuckling to Ardas.
However, the site manager seemed less than appreciative and touched by the emotional declaration. His head turned bright red; I could almost see steam coming out of his ears. He spent the next five minutes removing the makeshift wrapping paper then dumped it all on Dean’s desk.
‘Come on, man – you still can’t take a joke?’ Dean cried.
Ardas snorted and left.
*
Katie had the cheek to waltz into the Christmas party as if nothing had happened earlier in the day. Ardas ignored her and kept asking the others whether they could smell something stinking in the pub. Even Jenny rolled her eyes at her .
I wished Adam could have witnessed how everyone had taken a stand against Katie. I hoped she wouldn’t last long at Brooks O’Grady, let alone at the party, but she seemed oblivious to everyone’s hostility towards her, trying to chat with each of us. To me, she was just demonstrating the narcissistic tendencies I’d long suspected she possessed.
We’d just finished dinner, but I felt bored already, wanting to go home, as if something was missing tonight. This Christmas party was definitely not as exciting as last year’s. Tonight, although I wasn’t looking for a travelling companion to another country, it would have made a difference if Adam had been around. Without him, nothing seemed as enjoyable anymore. The realisation hit me: I missed him.
As per Diane’s request, I took some photos and even managed to get a waiter to capture the whole group with my phone. When flicking back through the images to check they’d be deemed acceptable for professional circulation, I accidentally swiped too far back to a selfie taken last spring: it was of Adam and I at the networking event in Manchester.
I had to admit we’d made a nice-looking pair that day. Had I been wearing a dress, we could have passed for a couple who’d matched their attire to attend a wedding. Recalling his mismatched socks – a dark stripey and a lighter checked one hidden by his suit trousers – made me smile. Now I’d never get another chance to tease him about them… I felt devastated by the thought and quickly put the phone away.
Feeling in need of another drink, I went to the bar. David was sitting there, alone, his glassy stare fixed on the screen over the barman’s head.
‘Hey,’ I said.
‘Hey,’ he replied.
‘You okay?’
‘Never better,’ he said, but he looked terrible. He had at least two days’ worth of stubble, and although he’d never been a particularly cheerful person, he looked like he was about to cry .
I sat down on the stool next to him. I felt the temptation to put my hand on his back in a supportive gesture, but it wouldn’t have been right in front of the others. ‘It’s not a bad party,’ I noted.
This year, Selena had outdone herself. Though the pub she’d selected wasn’t as flashy as last year’s, the location was perfect. It was close to public transport links and not far from the office, so we could leave our cars there and walk over straight after work – not that many of us had planned to drive home. The food was also decent and reasonably priced; there were even electric darts and pool tables. It always fascinated me that Jenny, who’d now been taken on permanently as an office manager, was more than happy to pass the responsibility of organising staff parties and other group activities to someone else.
‘Paloma left me. This morning. She took the baby and moved to her parents’,’ David said offhandedly, not looking at me but still at the screen. He then addressed the barman. ‘Can I get another one please?’
‘Why don’t we get a cab for you?’ I told him. ‘I think you’ve had enough to drink.’
David fixed his glassy stare on the TV again. ‘She says she doesn’t want to raise a child with a workaholic. She wants someone who can be there for her. Apparently, providing for her and her shopping obsession isn’t enough.’
All I could say was, ‘I’m sorry, David.’ I’d never been good at comforting people.
‘Tell me, Evelyn, am I that bad?’ he asked, finally turning his head towards me.
‘No,’ I lied. Although David rarely stayed in the office after five, his outgoing emails, on which I was copied in, were often timestamped after 8 p.m.
‘You know I’m sorry about not turning up that night. I’ve thought about it a lot since. How things would have turned out differently… Perhaps I’ve been trying to make it work with the wrong woman all along.’
‘What night? ’
‘You know… in Manchester.’
I couldn’t help but smile. So neither of us had made it to the hotel bar. But I wasn’t going to reveal my secret. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘It wasn’t meant to be.’
‘But maybe it was… You seem to be the only person who really understands me. We’re so similar in so many ways. I wish you hadn’t moved out of our office.’
What he said bothered me. I saw David as a brilliant manager but a cold one at the same time. He was good at his job, delegating responsibility, and keeping the peace between all parties (apart from his own subordinates), but he knew nothing about the people in his team on a personal level. He didn’t care, and I realised I didn’t want to be like him.
I offered again to get a cab for him, and he made no objection.
When I dialled a taxi company, the operator advised that a car was only five minutes away.
‘Best to wait out front,’ I told him. ‘Fresh air will make you feel better.’
When David got up from the high stool, he couldn’t stand straight, but I managed to discreetly support him heading towards the front door without drawing much attention from the rest of the team. They were all still busy playing darts and pool, chatting and laughing loudly in the back.
Outside, it was pretty mild for winter; at least, I didn’t regret leaving my coat inside.
I was still holding David when he turned to me.
‘You’re always so calm and objective, and you always know how to handle any situation,’ he said. Despite being visibly drunk, his words were still fluent.
‘Not always,’ I replied, recalling the cost of repairing the glass panel in his door.
‘And you’re always right – that’s what I love about you,’ he said and leaned in to kiss me.
I wasn’t prepared for that; hence I didn’t move. However, based on the strength of the feelings he’d evoked in me in the past, I expected fireworks, but there were barely any sparks. In the end, it was me who ended the kiss before it had even properly taken off by pushing him gently away. And I didn’t like the beard. It tickled and felt rough, like sandpaper against my skin.
‘I like you a lot, David…’
‘I sense a “but” coming…’
‘But it’s not right.’
‘I know what I said before about not complicating work with romance, but maybe I was wrong.’
‘I’m not talking about that,’ I said quickly. ‘You’re so perfect in many ways, but I don’t think you’re the right man for me.’ Perhaps a year ago, I’d have said he was.
‘Oh.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It seems I’ve lost two women in one day; guess that’s a new record.’
I didn’t want to make him feel worse by stating the obvious – that I’d never been his to lose.
A black car pulled up next to us on the kerb then. I waited until David had settled in the back seat then gave his address to the driver before returning to the pub.
When I rejoined the others, Dean tried to convince me to play pool with him, but I declined. I was too competitive for such games, but instead of admitting to that, I tried to appear humble and told him, ‘I’m not any good at it.’
‘Come on, Evelyn – just one game. How do you know you’d lose if you haven’t even given it a go?’
After processing his words, I looked at him with wide eyes. ‘What did you just say?’
‘I said you can only lose if you play… but you might win – you never know. I’m not that good at it either.’
‘You’re right,’ I said, squeezing his hand. ‘Dean, you’re much wiser than I thought you were.’
He blushed. ‘Thanks, I guess? So are you playing?’ he asked, but I’d grabbed my coat, ready to leave.
*
I rang Adam’s doorbell like a maniac. It wasn’t even 8 p.m., and I hoped the office gossip was right about the flight times, and he hadn’t left yet. When he finally answered the intercom, he told me to go away but then reluctantly let me in when I insisted it was an emergency.
I rushed upstairs and banged on his door until he opened it.
‘What the hell is going on?’ he asked angrily.
Still panting, I looked at him with pleading eyes. ‘I wanted to say thank you for the scarf… and to ask you not to go.’
‘Please, Evelyn, we’ve been through this so many times!’
‘But I thought… if I raced across London… and told you how I felt about you, you’d change your mind about going back to Korea.’
‘I’ve never been to Korea,’ he said.
‘Then please don’t go now either.’
‘I’m not going to Korea.’
‘But you said you were flying back home, and I know you’re leaving tonight.’
He gave me a quizzical look. ‘Home…? You mean Ireland?’
‘Oh, I wasn’t thinking.’
‘That’s a first.’
‘You see, that’s what you’ve done to me,’ I scolded, poking his chest, but he stepped back into the flat to avoid my touch.
‘Are you trying to tell me something? I’m busy; I don’t have all night,’ he said, about to close the door.
‘I just did. I’m saying you’ve been messing with my head, Mr Odd Socks and… with my heart .’
He opened the door slightly wider. ‘Is this some twisted way of telling me that you love me?’ he asked.
‘If it was, is it too late?’
He glanced at his watch. ‘Listen, I need to leave in five minutes and haven’t finished packing yet.’
‘Just tell me, please, do you still want me?’
‘Is this a trick question? Of course I do. But you have to say the magic words first. ’
I stepped closer and, without breaking eye contact, took his hands in mine. ‘I love you.’
This was a phrase I used sparingly; and it was the first time I’d said it to a man. I’d thought it would be harder, but I’d been desperate to utter those three words to him ever since I’d left the pub.
Diane was right: there was no point in denying my feelings. Both Adam and I had suffered enough already from being lovesick, and even if this romance was doomed to end, the aftermath couldn’t be more painful than surviving the past few weeks without him had been.
Dean also had a point without realising what he’d said. How could I say something would never work if I hadn’t even given it a try? Our love might survive against all odds; only time would tell…
Adam still didn’t move, probably from the shock, so I repeated the sentence. ‘I love you.’
His expression finally eased. With a large smile, he lifted me in the air and gave me a quick kiss. He then ran back inside, leaving the door open, which I took as an invitation to enter.
Looking around the flat, I noticed everything looked exactly the same as the last time I’d been there.
‘Have you changed your mind about staying in London? Didn’t you say your rental was up?’
‘Sharon and Keith like the area, so they asked me to extend it by six months. They want to use it as a temporary base until they find a house,’ he said, throwing his suitcase on the bed. He hadn’t even started packing.
‘Do you think your family would mind if I tagged along with you?’
He gave me a dubious look. ‘You want to come to Ireland with me? Are you being serious?’
‘Well, you’ve met my family… and you said your dad might not have long left. I thought it would be nice to pay him a visit…’
‘Of course they wouldn’t… but you’d really do that?’ he asked, still with hesitation and shock in his voice. ‘You’re never th is spontaneous. Besides, I don’t think you can get a ticket this late,’ he said but still gave me his flight details to check online.
Unfortunately, he was right – all the seats were gone.
‘Maybe you can fly out after me?’ he suggested.
‘Can you not take another flight?’
‘My father has a hospital appointment in the morning; I promised to go with him.’
I nodded in understanding.
We both knew his proposal of me following him and my counter-offer were in vain: the likelihood of finding a last-minute flight with one, let alone two available seats just before Christmas was slim.
My mind kept whizzing until a plan started to form, then I headed to the kitchen to make a couple of phone calls out of his earshot.
‘Okay, I arranged for another flight for both of us that leaves shortly after midnight,’ I announced happily, returning to the bedroom. ‘We’ll probably get to Dublin the same time as your original flight.’
‘How did you manage that?’
I smiled. ‘With magic – after all, what are witches for? You can take it easy now. There’s no need to rush; that plane won’t leave without us.’
‘What flight is it?’ he asked suspiciously.
‘Let’s just say we’re flying a special business class; leave it at that.’
I knew he’d still try to pester me for an answer, but I didn’t want to tell him just yet about the private jet my parents had access to. I’d explain everything to him on the way to the airport once I’d packed too. I wasn’t looking forward to another earful about how wealthy my family was.
Then it dawned on me. ‘Oh shoot, I completely forgot. Technically, I’m still working next week.’
‘Can you not just call in sick?’
I weighed the options and said, ‘You’re right; it’s not the end of the world. I’ll call Elsa on Monday and smooth it out with her. I don’t think she’ll mind if I start my holiday a week early.’ I thought I’d tell her it was to visit a dying relative; she couldn’t argue with that. ‘It’s time for Ricky to step up,’ I added.
Adam whistled loudly. ‘Wow, I don’t recognise this easy-going woman,’ he said. ‘Who are you, and what have you done to my heartless Cruella?’
The truth was I didn’t recognise myself either – yet it was still me, or a version of me that had been hiding deep inside till now. I’d just come to understand that someone had finally accepted me the way I was, and that person was Adam. David had barely scratched the surface…
‘It’s because of you,’ I told him. ‘You’re the perfect key to my lock.’
He smirked. ‘Do you always think of sex? You’re properly obsessed, aren’t you?’
I punched him playfully in the arm, and he pretended to be hurt.
‘I meant the lock on my heart; you complement me in every way,’ I said, but even if he’d managed to soften me up, such emotional talk still didn’t sound natural from my mouth, so he didn’t look convinced. ‘Okay, that does include sex,’ I added, and after checking my watch, I gave him a teasing smile.
‘I know what you’re thinking, Little Miss Pervert, but contain yourself for now. Let’s just get to Ireland first, and I promise we can visit your favourite destination there.’
I pulled him closer and kissed him on the lips. As long as he was my travel companion, it didn’t matter what journey we embarked on next.