Chapter 19
Present
Nate hung his head as he finished checking his suit in Alex’s oversized garage.
He needed to get away from her, so he came here.
Of all the battles he had faced, when it came to dealing with women, he was a coward.
He couldn’t believe he had kissed her. The look on her face when she had pulled away had gutted him.
She had been repulsed, and the rejection hit him hard.
He wished he could be anyone else. Maybe then he’d be good enough for Alex.
What was he saying? No one was good enough for her.
The fact that he, a former drug addict and enemy soldier, had even attempted anything with her was ridiculous.
He would get packed up and leave. He couldn’t stay here any longer.
There was no way he could stay here when he had practically mauled her.
He had invaded her safe space and her trust. Nate had to leave.
The outside motion sensor had been beeping, and he knew Alex was coming to the garage. She would want to smooth things over because she was such a wonderful person.
When the door opened, he tensed and focused on the suit. He could feel her getting closer, and he shut his eyes, trying to will her away. He needed time to think, and he was already smelling her soft, flowery perfume. It was intoxicating, and he had a hard time thinking when she was close.
Which is exactly how you got into this mess, he thought bitterly.
“So, this is the famed armor,” she said quietly.
“Yeah,” his voice gruff, and his head turned.
Nate felt her come closer, and a hand lightly touched his shoulder. He stiffened. She felt bad. That was all.
“Nathan, look—”
“It’s fine, Alex,” he said, holding up a hand. “I get it. I can take a hint, and I’ll be packing up and going soon. You won’t have to deal with me much longer.”
“No…” she breathed, a sob escaping her mouth.
Nate turned to see tears in her eyes. She was shaking her head and clutching her torso as if she was trying to self-soothe.
“Please don’t go,” she pleaded.
Suddenly, Nate wondered if he had misread the entire situation. Physical affection was an issue, but what if it wasn’t him? Maybe there was something else?
Then, her words from weeks ago hit him hard. The time in the cabin had been fuzzy, but he remembered her pleas.
This can’t be happening again. No. I can’t do this again. I can’t.
No. It had been in front of him the whole time. She had been through trauma. He needed to know what. He needed to make it better. Somehow.
“Alex, tell me what happened to you? Before we met. I know something happened. It just took me this long to realize it. I’m sorry.”
She whimpered, her lower lip trembling. Then, she teetered and began to collapse.
Nate was there to catch her, and he gently sat her down on the concrete floor with him beside her.
Alex buried her face into his chest and began to sob.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap, cradling her as she cried.
She nuzzled her face into his chest, tears staining his shirt.
Nate could barely breathe. He had wanted her in his arms for so long, but not like this—never like this.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said softly. “I’ll listen. Whatever it is, I won’t judge. Hell, you know about my life, so you know I’m a sympathetic ear.”
Alex picked up her head and nodded.
“I know,” she said, wiping her face. “I came here to tell you. Back in your bedroom, I…wanted to kiss you, but…” She stared down at his chest. “…I had a flashback, and I freaked out. You assumed I didn’t want you, and that’s wrong.
I do. I don’t want you to leave. You’re the first man I’ve ever had feelings for. I don’t want to lose that.”
Nate was stunned. She had feelings for him?
Damn.
He had hoped, but he never thought it would happen. Yet here he was with her in his arms, and she was begging for him to stay.
He wasn’t going anywhere.
“I’m not leaving you,” he told her, stroking her soft hair. “I was bitter and said stupid shit I shouldn’t have said. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.”
“Can you tell me what’s going on?”
She nodded slowly, fresh tears beginning to fall.
And she told him.
She told him everything.
? ? ?
Alex stared at Nathan, wondering what he would say.
She had sat on his lap and told him her horrid tale.
He didn’t say anything the whole time; his expression was a blank wall.
He hadn’t reacted when she had told him about her kidnapping.
He sat there, stoic, letting her get it all out.
She wondered if his lack of emotion meant he was trying to mask disgust or annoyance.
What if he thought she was tainted, and he didn’t want her?
What if he thought she needed to get over herself as her parents had?
She shifted slightly, not knowing what to do.
She finally said, “Uh, and that’s all there is. I’m sorry for trauma dumping. I’m sure this isn’t what you wanted to do when you got home from a tiring mission.” He kept staring at her, and she felt unnerved. “Nathan, please say something.”
A dark expression passed over his face, one she had never seen before from him. He looked like a terrifying Conglomerate soldier. Alex knew he wasn’t, though. He wouldn’t hurt her, but she was concerned.
“Nathan?”
“I’m trying to choose my words carefully,” he said, his voice strained. “I don’t want to scare you. The rage I feel for that man is infinite. I promise you one thing: I will find him, and I will kill him—in the slowest, most painful way possible.
She swallowed a lump in her throat.
“I’m not asking you to do any of that—”
“You didn’t have to. I’m going to do it, regardless.”
“Miles was never able to get a trace of the guy. That’s with all his resources.”
“I will find him,” he promised darkly.
Alex nodded, understanding that she wouldn’t be able to talk him out of this.
She was still baffled he cared enough to promise something like this.
Then, she stiffened, wondering if there was another reason why he had controlled his emotions so stoically.
He said he hadn’t wanted to scare her, but her mind was already coming up with terrible ideas.
“You don’t think bad of me, do you?” she asked hesitantly. “I mean, after everything that happened…I feel like you put me on this pedestal. I shouldn’t be.”
“What are you saying? Just because some sick fuck stole something precious from you, I’d look at you differently? That I wouldn’t still think you’re perfect? Trust me, you are amazing. I’m the low life you shouldn’t want.”
“Why?”
Alex’s heart sank. This wasn’t the first time she had heard him putting himself down, and she hated it when he did it.
“You didn’t choose your past. I did. I chose to live out on the streets. I chose to join the Conglomerate. I could have made other decisions, but those were the choices I made.”
She shook her head.
“It wasn’t your fault that your parents treated you horribly.
That’s emotional trauma, Nathan. It affects people more than you realize, and I saw somewhere that about two-thirds of substance abusers have past trauma.
I’m not saying you couldn’t have done things differently, but you dealt with it however you could.
Since you weren’t given any good coping methods due to crappy parenting, you sought something else. It’s simple cause and effect.”
He blinked, looking stunned.
“I’ve never thought of it like that.”
“You pick up a few things from years of therapy.” She chuckled. “As for joining the Conglomerate, you didn’t know their true intentions. They gave you a way out of your spiraling addiction, and you took the help. You saved yourself. I doubt you would have lasted much longer on the streets.”
A smile spread across Nathan’s face.
“I said you were perfect. This is why. You’re the only person who has ever made me feel better about my past.”
Alex felt her face grow hot from the compliment.
“I don’t know about that. I’m just a community college graduate. I’m nothing special, Nathan.”
“Fuck degrees. You have a more lucrative job than most people who’ve ever left those universities. Who cares?”
She nuzzled against his chest.
“I guess you make me feel better about myself, too.”
“Good.”
Then, Alex looked up at him, taking a hand and brushing his face gently.”
“I…would like to try again. Kissing you, I mean. If you still want to. That was the first time I’ve kissed a man,” she said sheepishly. “I never dated after what happened, and I was too goal-oriented to worry about boys in high school, though I had many offers.”
“You’ve never…” Nathan shook his head. “I was the first man you’ve kissed?”
She nodded and asked, “Can we please try again? Please?”
Alex didn’t want to beg, but she needed a do-over—partly to prove she could do it, but mostly because she wanted to kiss Nathan.
“You don’t ever have to ask, Alex,” he said huskily and leaned in to kiss her.
His lips were soft and warm, the kiss tender.
This time, instead of freaking out, Alex was prepared.
She began to enjoy his affections and was surprised when a quiet moan slipped from her lips.
Urged on by her response, Nathan took one hand to her cheek and pulled her in closer, deepening the kiss.
His tongue slid along the seam of her lips, probing until she opened her mouth and welcomed him in.
Their tongues dueled as he continued to kiss her. The gentleness was waning, and now he was kissing her with ferocity, as if she were his lifeline. She should have been scared, but nothing Nathan could do would frighten her. She wanted this; she wanted him.
Shifting on his lap, her leg brushed against the bulge in his jeans, and she hesitated. Nathan felt it immediately and pulled his head away with a growl.
“Shit, Alex. I’m sorry. I should be able to control myself around you. I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to feel.”
“No, no!” she said quickly. “I don’t mind.”