Chapter 29 Lindsey
LINDSEY
“Hellooo,” Lucy’s voice rings out in the lab at the clinic late the next afternoon. “Earth to Lindsey.”
I jump, nearly dropping the chart I’m looking at. “Sorry, what?”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks, ambling over to me with the extra-floofy Cavapoo she’s just finished grooming.
I press my tongue to the inside of my cheek. I’m not okay, and I haven’t been since I got the call from Joe last night that Oliver was in the hospital.
“I’m fine,” I insist. “Just exhausted. I didn’t sleep well.”
At least the last part isn’t a lie. After I left the hospital, I drove around for over an hour, my mind running wild with possibilities of what might have been, each vision more gruesome than the last. When I finally got home and crawled into bed, I spent hours staring at the ceiling.
My mother’s words sat heavy on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
Love comes at a cost that someone must pay.
“You act like I haven’t known you my entire life,” she says, playfully rolling her eyes. “I know what happened last night freaked you out, but it seems like there’s more going on in that head of yours.”
I drop the chart on the counter and press my fingers into the back of my neck in an attempt to ease the pressure that’s been building there.
“I can’t do it, Lucy. I have to call it off.”
“Call what off?” she asks, scratching the pup she’s holding behind the ear.
My throat feels like it’s coated in sand. “This thing with Oliver.”
Her eyes go wide. “Wait, really? Are you serious?”
“Lucy, Gizmo’s owner is here to get him,” Kayla calls, entering the room. She catches a glimpse of the gloomy expressions on our faces and frowns. “You guys all right?”
“Kayla, do you mind taking Gizmo up front for me?” Lucy gives her a pleading look.
“Of course,” she says, taking the pup from her arms. “Come on, Gizmo Bo-bizmo. Let’s get you back to your mom.”
She disappears from the room, and Lucy shifts her focus back to me.
“Let’s go into your office,” she says, already steering me in that direction. Once inside, I sit behind my desk and she closes the door before settling into the chair across from me.
“Now, talk to me,” she says, leaning forward. “What’s going on?”
I suck in a breath to try and calm my nerves.
“When Oliver’s name showed up on my phone last night, I thought he was calling to make sure I was on the way to his house, that I hadn’t fallen asleep again or something,” I say.
“But it was Joe, telling me Oliver was in the hospital. Lucy, that phone call took me right back to the night Dad died. I thought Dad was calling me, but it was Mom and…”
I don’t have to fill in the blanks. She knows because she got the same call.
“Being at the hospital, seeing all the crew and their families waiting for answers. It was so clear this wasn’t as uncommon as Oliver let me believe,” I continue.
“Or maybe that’s just what I wanted to believe because I liked him so much.
I was stupid. He literally came to my house because of a fire.
Of course, firefighters go out on fire calls. That’s the job.”
My sister frowns, her brows drawing together with concern.
“I’m a terrible person, Lucy. What kind of coward breaks up with someone because their job’s too scary?”
“A person who knows what it's like to lose someone,” she says. “And that doesn’t make you a bad person. I know his job is dangerous, but Lindsey, these things can happen to anyone. Just look at Dad. I mean, something could happen to me or Willow. Nobody’s immune. It’s a chance we take.”
“How?” I prop my elbows on the desk, shoving my fingers through my hair. “How do you do that when the stakes are this high? Don’t you ever feel scared?”
“Well, yeah. Of course, I do.” She gives me a resigned shrug. “But it sure beats the alternative, you know?”
I twist my lips to the corner of my mouth. “I’m not so sure.”
“So, what are you going to do? What are will you say to Oliver?”
“I’m not sure I’ll truly know until I’m standing in front of him.” I hit the button on the side of my phone to illuminate the clock and let out a sharp exhale. “Which I’ll be doing in just a few minutes because I’m headed over to his place. I’ve got to get going.”
I rise to my feet and gather my things, powering down my desktop.
Lucy stands. “You know if you need me, I’m only a phone call away.”
“I know.”
She pulls me into a hug. “I mean it. Let me know if you need anything. I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
“I will,” I say, starting toward the door.
“Hey, Linds?” Lucy calls.
“Yeah?”
“Being afraid doesn’t make you a coward. It makes you human.”
I pick up chicken soup for Oliver from the deli in town. Even if I had an appetite, which I don’t, I know I won’t be staying for dinner. Telling Oliver how I feel isn’t going to get any easier, so I might as well just rip off the Band-Aid.
“Hey, beautiful. Get in here. It’s raining cats and dogs out there.” He answers the door looking handsome as ever, and my heart aches for a time when I believed love never died. For a time when I wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop, no matter how naive I might have been.
Naivete, I’ve realized, is a luxury.
“You look like you’re feeling better,” I say as he kisses my cheek, taking the bag and cup from my hands. I reach down and pet the top of Ace’s head. “You’ve been taking good care of your dad.”
“He’s a pretty good nurse.” Oliver chuckles. “Thanks again for bringing dinner.”
“Of course.” I do my best to force a smile.
“I’ll take it into the kitchen and plate it up,” he says, walking ahead.
I try to speak as I trail behind him, but my words can’t claw their way out of my chest. My feet come to a stop in the kitchen doorway, unwilling or unable to move any closer. This is the first time I’ve been to Oliver’s home, and it’s as cozy and warm as I imagined it. Just like Oliver.
“The food smells delicious, by the way.” He unpacks the bag and frowns. “I think they forgot part of the order. There’s only one container in here.”
My heart is beating so fast I think it might shatter.
“That’s okay.” He reaches into an upper cabinet and pulls down two bowls. “We can share.”
“Oliver, I can’t stay.” My voice comes out strained, the weight of my emotions is crushing my windpipe.
“What? Why?” he asks, placing the bowls on the counter. “Do you need to get back to the clinic?”
“No,” I say, the answer getting strangled in my throat. “It’s not that.”
He tilts his head, stepping toward me. “Is everything okay? You seem tense.”
I slip my bottom lip between my teeth.
“Lindsey, talk to me. What’s going on?” He reaches out and squeezes my arm. “Honesty, remember?”
“Oliver, um, there’s no easy way to say this,” I say, blinking back tears. “I like you. A lot. Getting to know you has been so special for me. Not just for me, but for my family too.”
“Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
“I think we need…that I need to take a step back.”
His hand drops to his side. “I’m confused—I thought things were going great between us. Did I misread something?”
“No,” I say. “You didn’t. This is all on me.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t understand. Can we talk about this? It seems like this is coming out of nowhere and—” A knowing look settles over his face, and he rubs his thumb along his jaw. “This is about last night, isn’t it?”
I open my mouth but close it again.
“I knew it. It freaked you out.” He takes my hands in his. “Lindsey, this kind of thing happens sometimes. It’s part of the job, but I’m safe. You don’t have to worry. I know what I’m doing. I’m gonna be okay.”
I withdraw my fingers from his grasp. “I want to believe you. I do. But you can’t know that. Too many things can happen.”
“You say that like I haven’t lost someone,” he says, his voice rising as he shoves his hand through his hair. “Like I don’t know how it feels to have the ground ripped out from under me.”
“I know you do, and that’s why I hope you’ll understand that I need to take a step back.”
“And what does that mean to you, exactly?”
I drop my gaze to the floor.
He nods once. “You don’t want to see me at all.”
My chest is hollow, as though my heart has simply fallen out. Maybe it has.
“I’m sorry.” I look up at him with pleading eyes. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“Like hell it doesn’t,” he snaps. “You’re backing off because of my job. Kinda sounds like it has everything to do with me.”
“No,” I choke out. “This is all on me. I think you’re amazing. You’re kind and thoughtful and brave.”
He throws up his hands. “So be brave with me, Lindsey. It doesn’t have to end like this.”
My lips tremble, and silent tears roll down my face. “I…I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
My silence is all the answer he needs.
“You weren’t the only one taking a risk here,” he says, his mouth flattened into a hard line. “I let you in. I trusted you.”
“I care so much for you. I need you to know that,” I say, “and I’m so—”
He holds his hand up to stop me. “Don’t.”
I nod and take a step back.
“Listen, Lindsey, I don’t need you to try to soften the blow or explain it away. If you don’t want to be here, leave.”
My throat constricts. “Okay.”
“Okay.” He scrubs his hands down his face, and I retreat back to the front door with him on my heels.
I pause on the front stoop to look at him once more, and the light in his eyes has dimmed.
He shuts the door with a thud, leaving me standing on his porch, the rain mingling with my tears.
This is how it has to be. I’m better off this way. We both are.
I repeat these thoughts over and over like mantras. If I say them enough, maybe I’ll eventually believe them.