Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
KILLIAN
People and their reactions don’t surprise me. I’ve seen people do crazy and fucked-up shit that others would bet their lives they wouldn’t. My little ball of energy, however, is shocking the fuck out of me, or maybe it's the things I feel when she does and says them.
Teddy was more than ready to help me cover up a murder—wait, self-defense, she's been calling it. Then she'd suggested we get married, and then talked of children. I can’t help but imagine this life she’s painted for us.
One with a steady home, a family, love and happiness.
Things that I never thought were in the cards for me.
I'm good at taking things in quickly and adapting, but this hit me sideways.
It freaked me out, not because I don't want it, which is insane all on its own, but because I do. If I wanted all these things my Teddy Bear is wanting to give me, I have cleanup to do to start shifting my life in that direction. I can’t be running around killing people.
It seems retirement is now right around the corner.
While my mind had been processing how to handle all these details and the Lily situation, my Zolotse has gone quiet, making an uneasiness start to grow inside of me. The mood has shifted, and I fucking loathe it. I'm not sure how to change it back.
I knew something was really fucking wrong when we stopped at the cheese museum and hadn't stayed very long. We were in and out. I could tell myself it's because she's in a hurry to get to Lily, but it's more than that, and I know it.
Has the adrenaline of what happened now worn off and the reality of it set in? Will she fear me now? Is she plotting to get away from me? I grip the steering wheel tighter. That anxiety I've never experienced before Teddy is growing inside of me.
"You don't want to listen to music, Zolotse?" I ask.
"If you want." I glance over, and she gives me a soft smile, but I see the sadness in her eyes. I loathe it. I would do anything in my power to take it from her, but I don’t know what’s put it there and in turn how to fix it.
"What about one of your audiobooks?" I suggest next. I know how much she loves them. That's the thing about being on the road and stuck inside of an SUV: There is a lot of time to talk and get to know each other, except I have told her all I should about me.
"Not right now. I'm not in the mood."
"Are you ready to call it a day?" I want to get into a hotel so that I can get my hands on her and study her.
"How far are we from Lily's home?"
"We have a ways to go, but we can probably make it tomorrow."
"Okay, whatever you think is best." I reach over and rest my hand on her thigh. Teddy doesn't flinch away. In fact, she rests one of her hands on top of mine, but there is still a distance between us.
It takes another hour before we reach a hotel that meets the criteria I need, along with a few things that my Zolotse enjoys from them. The girl has more money than she can likely ever spend, but a mini bar gets her excited like it's Christmas morning, and it's not for the drinks.
She could buy a whole grocery store of snacks, but Teddy told me the ones in the mini bar taste different.
She stands at my side as we check in. When the front desk attendant hands me back my ID and credit card, Teddy snags my ID and peers at it. I’m sure she’s noticing it’s different, but she doesn’t say anything, only handing it back over to me.
I expect when we get to our suite, she’ll call me out for it, but she does not.
She sits on the end of the bed with her attention on her phone.
I stand there feeling useless and alone.
I enjoy being alone, suddenly it’s hitting me differently.
Silence used to comfort me, but now when it’s from her, it’s making me uncomfortable.
When I can’t stand it any longer, my insides feeling as though they are being turned inside out, I go to her. I pray the idea of children and marrying me hasn’t changed. I also don’t want to lose how sweet she thinks I am. Teddy sees me in a way no one else ever has.
The way her eyes light up for me gives me a sense of being normal. Not a killing machine that was crafted and trained by the government, more like an object or belonging and not a person.
I drop to my knees in front of her, wanting to be more eye level with her as she sits on the edge of the bed.
“No new messages from Lily yet, so…” Teddy shrugs one of her delicate shoulders. Today she wears a flowery dress with a fuzzy yellow jacket, which I learned is a cardigan.
"They are headed back. We only have to wait."
"But how long will it take? She still needs to find a moment to slip away from him." We'll get to that later.
"We'll figure it out." I give her reassurance because I will.
It will be tricky. Tristan is a very smart man, but when emotions are involved, people often struggle to think straight and logically, especially regarding those they care about.
A tool I have used against many, and now one that could be used against me.
"Zolotse." I place my hands on her knees, struggling with my words or where to start.
I decide to go with honesty this time. "You're scaring me. " That has her brows rising.
"I'm"—she points to herself and then to me—"scaring you?"
"Da." I clear my throat and quickly correct the slip, which is far from normal for me.
"Yes." I'm efficient in hiding that I'm Russian, or I was for the first ten years of my life after I came to the States.
It was part of my training. Teddy knows that I'm Russian because I told her, and I'm sure the nickname I'd given her was a clue.
"Why?" She places her phone down on the bed beside her. Teddy must see I’m struggling and places her hands on top of mine.
“You’re pulling away from me and have gone quiet,” I tell her. “Do you want to talk about the man and what happened back at the spa?”
“What of him?” Her nose does an adorable scrunch. What about him? I killed him. I search her face.
“That I drowned him.”
Teddy gasps. “You did no such thing.” The fuck is happening here. Is she okay? “He slipped and hit his head. It’s unfortunate that he landed in the water.” Finally, I get a mischievous smirk from her, making me relax, but only a little.
“Then why are you upset with me? Are we fighting? You should yell at me.” Isn’t that what couples do? “I’d rather that than this quiet.”
“Aren’t you the man who enjoys being alone?” Teddy’s fingers stroke the tops of my hands.
“I do.”
“So you want quiet.”
“I don’t want quiet if it involves you.” Why would she ever think that?
“Killian.” The use of my real name only makes my anxiety worse. What happened to sweetheart? I haven’t gotten that one since the slip and fall incident. “That doesn’t make sense."
“Why? You’re different, and you’re going to be my wife.”
Teddy chews on her bottom lip. Has she changed her mind? Panic claws at my insides, and a million and one fucked-up thoughts flood me.
It’s how my brain works. How do I get to the outcome that I need? Kidnapping is on the top of the list, and I’m debating which safe house would be best and if I should leave the country altogether with her.
“I know getting married might have been a good idea in theory, but I’m not sure it will work.”
“Why? Tell me and I will make it work.” The silence stretches. “Zolotse, please.” I’m already on my knees, and I will beg if I have to. There’s nothing that I won’t do to have her.
“You don’t want kids, and I’m already homesick.
So I’ve been thinking maybe I don’t need kids, and we can, ah, come up with a time we spend at home and then away.
I thought maybe you could travel and come back, but I want to be with you, and then what if—" I press my mouth to hers in a hard kiss and pull her down into my lap to straddle me.
Relief unlike any I have ever felt in my life fills me.
"Oh, you want me to talk but cut me off with kisses?" Her brows furrow, and she glares at me like an angry kitten. "I mean, you can kiss, but I was only saying—"
"I do want to hear from you, Zolotse. What you said filled me with relief."
"Glad it did for you." She buries her face in my neck. I keep my arms wrapped around her and stand, walking over so I can sit on the bed but keep her tucked close to me where she belongs.
“You are upset for the wrong reasons. I understand now.” I may not be good at this opening up and talking stuff, but I know I need to make the effort to get better at it for her.
“I want to be wherever you are.” I stroke my hand up and down her back, wanting to soothe her.
As much as I enjoy her clinging to me, it fucked with my head when she was not happy.
Teddy lifts her head to meet my eyes. “But you’ll resent me.”
“Never.” I shake my head. I see how much Teddy really does care for me.
In her ramblings, she said she would give up having children for me.
I don’t think anyone has given up anything important to them for me.
It makes my throat tight. “I would want you to give me babies almost more than anything in this world.”
“Hey, what do you want more than my babies?” Teddy’s small button nose scrunches.
“You.”
“Oh.” The corners of her mouth curl up in a smile for me, making tension drain from my muscles. “Right, of course it’s me.” I can tell this pleases her.
“I move around so much because I’ve never had a reason to stay anywhere before.
No place has ever been home to me, but I don’t think home is a place for me.
It’s you.” I know that with certainty. Teddy's eyes fill with tears.
"Zolotse." I can't bear to see her cry. She cups my cheeks with her delicate hands.
"That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
" Teddy presses her mouth to mine in a soft kiss.
I wrap my arms around her, keeping her body pressed snugly to me.
The kiss deepens, and Teddy's hips start to rock.
Her mouth goes to my neck, and she kisses me there.
I almost falter when I go to stand. Teddy's mouth could easily be my undoing.
I place her on the mattress, pinning her under me. "Is it sex time?" She wiggles her brows. "If you're not ready, though, we can do other things." A mischievous smile takes over her expression. My Teddy Bear is back. Thank fuck.
"We can do anything you want, Zolotse, but I must tell you more."
"More?"
"About who I am." I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I want her to know exactly what she’s getting herself into.
"I know who you are," she says with utter confidence.
"I mean, not all the details but, sweetheart, I know I can be a little na?ve.
" Little is putting it fucking lightly. “I may be ditzy, as I've been told, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid.
You killed a man today, and I'm going to guess it wasn't your first time.
" Shit. Teddy isn't freaking out, though, so that brings me comfort.
She keeps her lush body wrapped around mine.
"It was not. I used to work for the government."
"Used to?"
"Well, not full time anymore. Now I do contract work, and it's often for them."
"Wait, like a mercenary?"
"Yes." That is the simplest way to put it.
Most don't care for the term because of the negative significance it can carry. Call it whatever you want, but we fucking kill people. No matter how you interpret it, it always carries a negative connotation almost every way you slice it. You're lying to yourself if you believe otherwise. People always want to make themselves the hero. I am no such thing. I kill for money because I’m good at it and it’s a means to an end.
"Wow, I thought mercenaries would be scary." I bite back a laugh. Teddy can always lighten a situation. "But now you're a driver?" As she says it, her brows pull together, and Teddy ponders this. I might as well beat her to it.
"I'm a driver now, but I wasn’t when we met. You stumbled into the road in front of me, and I went with it." A gasp leaves her, her eyes going wide. I brace myself for her to pull away and be angry that I misled her.
"It's fate! Like a real love story." That was not what I thought she was going to say.
"You're not mad at me?"
She shakes her head back and forth rapidly. "I mean, you saw me and wanted to keep me, right?"
"Yes." That is a fact.
"Was it the lightsaber?" she teases, at least I think she's teasing.
"The crown." Teddy bursts into laughter, her body shaking. The sound settles into my bones.
All of her is having an effect on me. She's in my blood, the air I breathe. She's all over me. A part of me. She’s essential for my existence. I can’t imagine a life without her in it.
Teddy should run from me. I know what I'm capable of, or I thought I did. Everyone should be terrified of what might happen if they try to take her from me… the devil himself wouldn't be able to stop me.