37. THIRTY-SEVEN
THIRTY-SEVEN
“I-Is it good?” Finn’s voice is shaky, pushing eggs around his plate as the metal of the fork scrapes against the ceramic. He hasn’t touched his food at all, eyes still rimmed red from crying. “I can make you something else, if you want.”
“It’s good, Finn.”
He squirms, the bottom of his socked foot tap-tap-tapping against the wood flooring. “Are you mad at me? Y-You aren’t mad, right?”
“No, I’m not mad.” I’m really not. Being mad is pointless nowadays. “I just… I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
“Bunny, er, Duncan… That’s… Please don’t s-say that. You make it sound like being here with me is so… awful.”
My expression drops as the last strand of sanity I had finally snaps. “Isn’t it? I don’t have my books. I don’t have my computer. I don’t have anything. I don’t even have the luxury of walking, Finn.”
“...But you have me.”
“I don’t want you!”
Finn freezes, face twisting into something unreadable. “T-That’s not true. That’s not true. You… you liked kissing me, and… and we…” Blinking, his voice trails off into nothing.
Then he simply stares at me. No screaming, no crying, not even a whimper. His silence is haunting. Worse than any hissy fit he’s thrown so far, and worse than what happened to my legs. Because it feels final, like I’ve finally pushed him past a point he can’t return from.
“I don’t like this… b-back and forth. Feeling nice and good and then suddenly we’re at rock bottom again… I-I really don’t like it…” Finn’s breathing intensifies, his knuckles turning white as he grips his red pajama pants. “D-Do you really mean that? Be honest…”
The pastel yellow shirt I have on feels a lot tighter than it was a second ago. The room smells like eggs and desperation, and the ominous howling of the wind outside sure doesn’t help.
“No—I just… Maybe, I…” The words to defend myself aren’t coming out. Is it because I meant it, or because I regret it? “None of this is normal. I mean, come on Finn! You fucking drugged me! Have you forgotten everything that brought us here in the first place!?”
Rising to his feet, Finn gazes at me longingly—as though I’m a million miles away and not right in front of him.
I’m back down in that hellish basement while he stands at the bottom of the stairs with a bat in hand.
His deep-set eyes hold so many emotions I can probably never fully understand, but I wish I could.
“Do you love me?”
“Finn…”
He kneels down in front of the chair I’m sitting on, expression dangerously serious. Sure, there’s been times where he’s seemingly dropped his whole “weak little guy” act but this is a whole other level.
“Yes or no?”
No. No. Say no, Duncan. Why are you even hesitating? The answer is no. Please just say no. Say no and let this nightmare end.
“Yes,” I whisper with misty eyes. “I-I want to.”
The smuggest smirk tugs at his lips. “You want to? Or you do?”
When he leans in I can make out the faint hairs of the beard he shaves every so often, and the rough, acne-scarred texture of his skin.
“I do.” I’m not sure if it’s a lie or not. It feels true enough. What else is there for me? Rotting alone in my bedroom? Spending the rest of my days being pitied by Haley?
People always say things get better, but I don’t think that’s true. I spent my entire life hiding who I was, only for the truth to come out and uproot everything I thought I knew. How could that possibly get better?
It won’t. It can’t.
But Finn? He loves me in spite of it all. He loves me despite the fact I’m a pathetic human being with nothing to show for myself. He loves me despite the fact I’m erratic and messy and hard to be around. He loves me regardless, so why shouldn’t I love him?
A soft sniffle pulls me out of my train of thought. In spite of his grim features, he’s smiling. Tears begin streaming down his round cheeks, and Finn lets out the most exasperated sigh.
The hug that follows is secure. Even though he’s squeezing me roughly there’s this warm feeling of safety attached to it. His love might be all-consuming but it’s nothing if not pure.
Shaky hands shoot out to grab my sides and pull me closer. It hurts like a bitch when my leg bumps the table, but I don’t get to hiss out in pain since his mouth captures mine in a way that only a starved man could.
“I’ve never, um… I’ve never done… all the stuff I do with you—with anyone.” He gasps between kisses, hungry eyes fixated on me. “You’re my first, and last. B-Because you’re mine. All mine.”
I can’t say I’ve never fooled around with anyone before, but this isn’t similar to those times.
I'm still inexperienced. I'm still vulnerable. Fleeting teenage kisses is nothing like what Finn and I have. There’s so many powerful feelings intertwined with every move we both make, and everything carries a weight that's almost too heavy to bear.
“You don’t h-hate me, right?” Finn’s voice is so pitiful, and his movements are hasty and careless. Being jostled around this way feels horrible for my legs, but each kiss makes my mind melt a bit more. “I love you… I love you, Duncan. I’ll do anything… a-anything…”
His hand inches down to the waistband of my borrowed pajama pants, finding hold of my member. I should probably be pushing him off, but I did tell him I love him. Truths and lies feel one in the same, and I don’t think that I mind anymore.
If a lie makes everyone happy, is there harm in it? How can it be bad when he’s looking at me so sweetly despite touching me with such fervent possessiveness. This can’t be bad. It just can’t be.