Chapter 4
All Washed Up. Well, she wasn’t going to take the name of the launderette as a sign, even if it quite literally was a sign, complete with dodgy flashing electrics and a wonky letter A.
Alyssa leaned against the industrial washing machine, letting its slow rumble calm her as the Eighties duvet cover went round and round on ‘scorch the stains’ hot.
The place smelt of cheap fabric softener and the air was stifling, though at least she was the only one desperate enough to be in there boil-washing sheets on the first day of the year.
Her hand edged towards the phone in her bag.
Must find clients. Must not get sucked into reading anything about hideous Hartglove.
Her fingers found the familiar glow of the Instagram logo and she pressed to enter its aura.
The app’s algorithm would hit her with love-related content in the same way her phone’s news section had – but here, she was @alyssaheart_thelovecoach – and ‘love’ was her business.
She was expected to pass judgement on things related to her topic.
It worked well that she was often on the blunt side, because controversial views grabbed attention.
‘Wow, what’s this tripe?’
She spotted a post from a new account called @appytogether.
It reminded her, with a jolt, of a song she could no longer stand.
‘Happy Together’. That humiliating Hartglove night.
She screwed her eyes shut to try to block out the image that was appearing, but it was going nowhere.
A stage. A love song. A humiliating rejection.
And those truths she’d heard shouted across the room.
Sweat broke out on her top lip, and she opened her eyes quickly, swiping it away.
That was years ago. The past was done. She took a few deep, fabric-softener-infused breaths.
I am here. Rolling her shoulders, she got back to her phone screen.
Her common sense told her to keep scrolling, because more than enough had gone wrong for one day. But whoever was behind the account had tagged her name, which meant it would be rude not to reply. She sighed. Rude wouldn’t get her any clients.
Could she get away with dropping a couple of heart emojis and moving on? But the more she scanned the post, the more she couldn’t help getting pulled in. The concept sounded more ridiculous than the woman smuggling a boa constrictor in her leggings.
‘An app that makes people fall in love?’ Alyssa scoffed. Not even she could bring about that sort of miracle. How could anyone claim a bunch of computer code could do the trick?
When people kidded themselves they were in love, it was simply a cocktail of brain chemicals.
Cortisol to make your heart race. Dopamine for euphoria.
Oxytocin that made you feel attached. Just like taking a pill, all of that could – and did – wear off.
It was tomfoolery of the mind, for the undisciplined.
When it came to emotions, it paid to stay teetotal and avoid the ‘love’ hangover.
Although she’d be ruined if she ever admitted that publicly.
She scratched her head, which was covered with a hat to hide her distinctive pink hair. How did anyone think a phone app – which was essentially a computer programme hiding behind a pretty user interface – was capable of anything even close to the brain’s own hocus-pocus?
If nothing else, she was intrigued.
So she read on.
Our brand-new app will soon be ready for its trial run! (You are going to LOVE this. Seriously.)
’Appy Together has been years in the making. And even if we say so ourselves – it’s about to whip the world up into a love-induced whirlwind.
Imagine a phone app that can take two willing participants … and make them fall in love!
The app promises that after a series of seven carefully selected ‘love tasks’ the participants (who will first pass a basic compatibility test and will be geographically close – because nobody wants to accidentally fall in love with a porcupine on another continent!) will be head over heels in love.
’Appy Together has been designed to work for people who are completely new to each other – and get this – for couples who have had a shot at love together before but have missed the target. (Just call us Cupid!)
Our app is fully in control of deciding the seven tasks, and each new task will be dependent on the couple’s individual feedback on the task that came before. Isn’t that clever? We think so too! And we’re about to prove it.
Seven bespoke tasks. One love that’s built to last.
Are you game?
Make sure you’re on our exclusive mailing list if you want to be invited. (Click on the link in our bio.) This is one hook-up you can’t afford to miss …
Alyssa gawped at her screen. Well, she wouldn’t be joining that mailing list. An app that thought it was Cupid and made you believe you were falling for whoever they matched you with – as long as they weren’t a porcupine?
She’d heard it all now. Who was behind it?
There weren’t any photos of people on ’Appy Together’s Instagram grid.
Probably some tech geeks, with an excessively chirpy helper to write their social media posts.
Alyssa pushed herself away from the rumbling washing machine, suddenly clammy.
Not only were these claims ludicrous, they essentially said: ‘Hey, Love Coach, don’t bother getting out of bed tomorrow. Our app can do your job automatically.’
She exhaled sharply and began to type.
@alyssaheart_thelovecoach – Congratulations on the new app and thank you for tagging me. It all sounds fascinating. Though wouldn’t you say ‘relationships built to last’ should be based on strong foundations of trust, communication and teamwork?
‘Love’ takes the hard work and commitment of two dedicated people – and if they somehow miss the target, they can seek the services of a professional – human – Love Coach. I play ‘Cupid’ for people who are single but ready to mingle, and for struggling couples too.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but an app couldn’t possibly replicate this. Relationships can’t be measured or massaged by codes in an algorithm. Though thanks again for tagging me. Such a pretty logo. X
She smiled to herself. Bad news should always be delivered like a dog poo sandwich.
Place the unpalatable part in the middle, with something more pleasant either side.
She’d started with congrats and ended with a positive thought on their logo – even though the orange heart was actually kind of garish.
If she was lucky, that would be the end of it. Although something told her it wouldn’t. If they’d caught her on another day, she might have given them less of a sting – but she was tired and fed up, and she had enough on her plate, without some unidentified app nerd piling on extra peas.
Alyssa began scrolling again, though it wasn’t long before a notification popped up to say @appytogether had replied. Didn’t these people take New Year’s Day off?
@appytogether – Thank you for your feedback, Miss Heart. We really are grateful that you took time out of your busy evening to respond. It sounds like you have the same beliefs about love and relationships as us. (Though we’d sprinkle in fun, adventure and intimacy, for good measure!)
Our app has been programmed to take the things you mentioned into account – and more.
If you don’t believe ’Appy Together could bring two potentially compatible people together, resulting in love and romance, you’re welcome to be one of the first to give it a whirl.
We challenge you to prove us wrong! (And if you don’t believe it can work, you surely have nothing to lose.)
P.S. We love your logo too.
Had they just dog-poo-sandwiched her right back? Alyssa felt her skin prickle. As if she had nothing better to do than swan about, proving an app couldn’t be some sort of algorithm fairy godmother.
@alyssaheart_thelovecoach – I’m already in a committed relationship. Thank you though. Good luck with your endeavours.
There. They didn’t know she’d just been dumped.
@garypratt – That bloke you were with (guy with the funny name) changed his Facebook relationship status to ‘single’ earlier. Sounds like you’re free. I’ll be your ultimate match. ;-)
Trust Gary bloody Pratt to know more than she did about Arnaud’s Facebook status. Urgh. He deserved a spiky comment for that.
@alyssaheart_thelovecoach – Sure you wouldn’t be the porcupine?
Gary didn’t even warrant the dog poo sandwich.
@appytogether – She doesn’t sound keen on you, Gary. Alyssa – sorry to hear you’re newly single. Any time you’re ready for the challenge, we can hook you up. We might have just the person …
No, they did not – because such a person did not exist.
She threw her phone back into her bag. As soon as she was done in All Washed Up, she was going back to bed.
The best way to get away from everything you couldn’t be bothered to deal with was to sleep.
By tomorrow, this nonsense would have been buried by the next wave of social media posts and trends, and she would never have to think about it again.