Chapter 10
If a person had too long to think about something scary, they would talk themselves out of it. It was human nature. Alyssa knew that much from her years of being a love coach.
That was probably why this whole ’Appy Together charade had been thrown together at warp speed, without her having a cat in hell’s chance of stopping to see sense.
Though in her more suspicious moments, she wondered whether it was less ‘thrown together’ than she was being led to believe.
Perhaps it was more contrived – and less generated by the mystical powers of a phone app algorithm – than everyone was making out.
It had been barely forty-eight hours since she’d walked out of the World’s Grottiest Flat with her worldly possessions and a stolen mouse in a shoebox – the box now safely stowed near her feet.
And here she was, pulling up in her agent’s car in her old hometown, with him muttering something about the weather staying clement.
He’d been checking his weather app all morning, even though he claimed to know nothing about what Love Task One was. Rufus was a terrible liar.
With the wild rush of everything, Alyssa hadn’t yet seen the converted barn she was meant to be living in or met any of the love app people.
In fact, Rufus had said she’d probably never bump into them, because they were surely a bunch of tech nerds who didn’t get out much.
Their contact was a person named Teijo, who worked for a specialist media agency which ’Appy Together had recruited to deal with the publicity campaign.
Rufus had wafted huge wadges of contracts in front of her and had got her to sign everything.
‘No need to read all the boring small print,’ he’d reassured her.
‘That’s what you pay me for.’ She guessed he ought to do something to earn his cut.
She’d been too busy rushing out to buy a new outfit and get her pink roots sorted, once Rufus had dished out her advance money.
The cash had even paid for a two-star hotel for the past two nights, which had felt like luxury compared to that dive with the stained Eighties bedspread.
And the dizzy heights of free instant coffee had taken the sting off the copious numbers of questions she’d had to complete on the love app, to help it to select an appropriate first love task and pair her with her Budding Ultimate Match.
She rolled her eyes at the thought of it.
If they didn’t realise that shortened to BUM, they were as stupid as some of their inane questions.
Did she prefer clouds or grass? Spiders or snakes?
What were her feelings about mud? By that point, she’d wondered if she was about to be matched with Ranger Hamza.
Although he was rather nice. ‘It’s showtime,’ Rufus announced, waking her from her ranger-related daydream. ‘We’re here.’
Showtime. Her body tensed. But no, she could do this.
She was only on show here as Alyssa Heart.
Not Beryl Bagnor – the town’s biggest love fool.
That person had been deleted and upgraded a long time ago, both physically and online.
The press release had gone out – she’d insisted on Rufus arranging that much, and she’d triple-checked the wording.
In the statement, she’d ‘divulged’ that she’d never visited Hartglove – but having been headhunted as the go-to love coach, she was keen to help the town with their alleged #loveproblems. She just prayed the statement – and the fact she had a whole new pink-haired look since her teen years – would keep the press and public from finding out about her unfortunate past here.
She’d called her parents with a firm warning not to talk about her connection to them or the town, for ‘professional reasons’. They surely owed her that much.
Rufus jumped out of the car and rushed around to her door – which was not at all like selfish Rufus.
As he swung the recently waxed black door open and a camera flashed, she realised Rufus was playing his part in the PR spectacle.
Of course he was. If this project was a media hit it would be great for his profile too and could definitely lead to more opportunities for them both.
No wonder he’d binned off his backwards baseball cap and brushed his hair.
Alyssa took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, trying to look poised and on top of life.
In truth, she hated having her photo taken by other people and the lack of control over what images they could share of her – even if she still had toast crumbs in her teeth or the light made her look like the devil’s bride.
The muddy ground felt soft underfoot from the previous night’s rain, but she’d been sure to wear her flat army-style boots with the pink roses. She had no intention of being caught off balance, and every intention of being able to kick arse and run.
She’d done her best to dress confidently, with her bright waves looking bouncy and her glossy lips ready for ginormous fake smiles, even though her insides were churning like a cement mixer at the thought of being here.
And of having to pretend she did believe in love, albeit that there was no way she’d be falling for it – or in it, as the saying went.
‘Smile,’ Rufus hissed at her. ‘Your career depends on you doing a bloody good job of this. Local media people are here. Don’t cock it up.’
Alyssa gave herself a quick shake and flashed her teeth in what she hoped would pass as a beam of joy, as cameras clicked, and a crowd began closing in on her.
As irritating as Rufus was, he was right.
She did need to belt up and do her job. She was a capable, professional woman who could play along for the publicity and collect her healthy pay cheques.
Her aim was simple. To prove relationships required human connection, not algorithms – and when people needed help on their journey, they could reach out to another human, not a phone app.
Preferably Alyssa Heart, The Love Coach.
And yes, she was pleased that shortened to TLC.
The creator of BUM should probably come to her for a few lessons in acronyms.
In fact, if this app company was willing to take the risk in paying her to potentially prove their love app was pointless, whoever was behind it probably was a bird brain.
She’d agreed to do the tasks. She hadn’t agreed to be kind about them.
Though from ’Appy Together’s social media, they seemed to enjoy the controversy.
‘Miss Heart – are you keen to find out who your new love match is today?’
The voice came from one of the journalists who had gathered around the car, some holding microphones, others with fancy-lensed cameras. With the low sun glare that was dazzling her view, Alyssa couldn’t tell exactly who had asked, but to her relief, she didn’t recognise anyone.
She shielded her eyes. ‘It doesn’t matter who they are. An app can’t possibly make me fall in love with them.’
‘But what if you do? I mean, ’Appy Together reckons it’s on for a one hundred per cent success rate,’ another voice chimed in.
‘I don’t see how it can be,’ Alyssa replied, doing her best to keep up her carefree smile. It was just one question at a time. Think, smile, respond. No need to get flustered. ‘Love is a very personal thing, isn’t it?’
‘So you do believe in love then? Because you’ve been quoted as calling it a “load of clichés and bullshit”. And yet you reckon you’re a professional love coach?’
Alyssa took a deep breath. ‘You’ll see from my comments in the press release that I was quoted out of context, during a private conversation.
Yes, clichés may be best-placed in greetings cards – but feelings are very real.
’ She placed a hand on her heart, as she’d practised, then gave a quick look over her shoulder.
But Rufus was busy pretending to tie up his shoelaces, even though she was pretty sure he wore slip-ons.
He often harped on about no publicity being bad publicity, so he was probably loving this.
Well, she didn’t need him swooping in to save things, even if he should probably pull his weight for talking her into this.
She held on to the car door, which was thankfully still open. She was a woman in flat boots, and she was not going to wobble.
‘Are you worried about what the seven love tasks might be? Or having to spend months with someone you might not even like?’
‘It won’t be months.’ Alyssa waved her free hand. ‘Just seven short tasks.’ Well, her lease on the barn was for six months, but Rufus assured her she’d barely have to spend much time with this stranger as part of the PR stuff, even if ‘real’ matched couples would surely need more quality time.
‘What if one of the tasks is living together?’
‘Or sleeping in the same bed?’
‘Or walking up the aisle in a big meringue dress, with fourteen flower girls and an owl for a ring bearer?’
‘How far are you willing to take it, Miss Heart? Will you go all the way to prove the app can’t make you fall in love?’
Alyssa steadied herself and stepped forwards, closing the car door behind her. The media had had their share of banter. It was time she took charge and got on with the first task – whatever that was.
‘OK, OK. That’s enough,’ she told them, trying to look calm and collected.
It was also important the media didn’t get a rise from her.
‘Work to do!’ Her love coach persona wasn’t easily fazed, and on good days she managed to convince herself she was that person – even if so far this year it had been a struggle.
But she was here, in her brand colours of black and bright pink – from her black skinny jeans to her fluffy-hooded parka – and she could do this.
‘Miss Heart? I’m Teijo from Lucky Seven media agency. We’re working for ’Appy Together on this campaign and I’ll be your contact. I’m dealing with promotion, publicity, logistics … Oh yes. And making sure these seven tasks go off with a bang! Let’s step this way, if you’re ready?’
Alyssa squinted against the sun to get a good look at him.
He was tall and friendly-looking with floppy black hair, and he was easy on the eye once the sunbeams got out of the way.
She liked that he was an outsider like her too, not an actual employee of ’Appy Together.
Shame she wasn’t being paired with him, really.
She wasn’t in the market for a new partner, but if she had to spend time with an unknown quantity, it may as well be someone agreeable.
He held out his arm for her. There, very agreeable.
She took it, noting it was warm but spark-free. Exactly how she liked things.
‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’ She matched his stride as he walked towards a gated entry to the main field. It was a field she had once known well.