Chapter 47
A grand total of zero useful ideas came to Alyssa while she was in Rufus’s shower. On the plus side, at least she was clean and vaguely presentable when the video call came in from Devan.
Her heart soared at the sight of his name …
but how was she going to explain this mess?
She’d been longing to talk to him, though since she’d last seen him, she’d kept her messages breezy – and she definitely hadn’t mentioned trolls or fleeing to London.
Again. None of this felt like the kind of thing to be discussed over a jolly phone conversation while he was on an important work thing, but she couldn’t keep pretending all was well – and a video call was almost face to face.
She took a deep breath, adjusted the towel wrapped around her hair, and pressed to answer.
‘Alyssa, where are you?’ He squinted at the screen. ‘I’m back from the conference and you’re not at The Cow Shed. I’d wanted to surprise you. The spare key’s not behind the sign and Jess said you didn’t collect Pikachu and Minnie. Is everything OK?’
The look on his face seemed like genuine worry rather than stalkerish-ness, and she hated that she was even assessing him in that way.
‘I hadn’t planned to let myself in,’ he said quickly. ‘I was just worried that you weren’t answering the phone or your door, and nobody had heard from you. I panicked that you might have had an accident.’
‘I’ve been in the shower,’ she explained.
He cocked his head, his forehead creasing. She could tell he was wondering whose shower, and why it wasn’t her own, but that he was too polite and trusting to question her. Desperate to stop his heart from sinking, she decided it was time to fill him in.
‘I’m in London, with my agent.’ And as calmly as she could, she began recounting everything that had happened since she’d last seen him.
She hadn’t been sure if she was going to share all of that, until she’d seen his concern.
His deep blue eyes, magnified in size and loveliness by his thick-framed glasses that slid down his nose every time his forehead creased a little more.
She winced as she told him about the photos of Emmalina and the threats to declare Devan wasn’t her biological dad.
His jaw tightened, and she could tell the fist of his free hand was probably doing the same, in defence of the child who was so precious to him and who was his pride and joy of a daughter in every way that mattered.
She was expecting him to shout or get cross, because she’d brought this mayhem to their door.
She wouldn’t blame him for letting rip or telling her never to come back to Hartglove with her circus of problems and fake news. But he did none of those things.
Instead, he looked hurt. Which was worse.
‘So you escaped to London,’ he said quietly, as though still trying to process it. ‘You didn’t feel you could turn to me?’
His confused eyes seemed to say: And you thought your dimwit agent was a safer bet? Although he wasn’t catty enough to voice it. She bit her lip, remembering what Devan had once confided in her. I’m nobody’s first choice. She couldn’t let him feel that way.
‘It’s not like that. It’s just you were busy with work, and—’
‘Alyssa, my work is never more important than you.’
A pang of guilt hit her chest, because she had sometimes put her love coach reputation before being honest about their relationship. On the scale of great conversations, this was at the rotten tomatoes end.
‘Will you be … coming back?’ he asked.
He was trying not to be pushy, which broke her heart even more. What she wouldn’t give to be wrapped in his arms and feel safe again. But she’d come to London for a reason.
‘I hope so. Though I have a lot to think about right now, and I want to somehow fix this. If I’ve brought this about with my stupid false pretences, I need to sort it out.’
‘Whatever this is, you have not brought it about,’ he said more firmly. ‘That’s not how trolling works. It’s on them, not you. Always.’
‘OK,’ she replied, unsure how the hell anything worked anymore.
‘Wait. Do you suspect me?’ His face fell.
‘No, of course not.’
Despite what both Rufus and the unknown keyboard maniac had suggested, she really didn’t. But she did have questions.
‘Did you come to London looking for me, a while after I left Hartglove?’
Devan’s eyes widened. In hindsight, maybe this wasn’t the best time to ask him about what Rufus had suggested, as now it looked accusatory.
‘Who told you that?’ he asked. Then he sighed. ‘Rufus.’
Though where most people might have ranted about Rufus stirring the poo with a massive stick, Devan remained civilised. How she loved that about him.
‘Yes, I did go to London,’ he admitted. ‘I hadn’t been able to trace you as Beryl.
But when I happened to notice you online as Alyssa Heart, I did come after you to try and talk.
I told you that Sylvie and I were worried about you, and I hated how we’d left things.
The only way I could think to get in touch was through your agent.
But he told me you were settling down with some rich bloke, and a married man like me shouldn’t be sniffing around you.
He kind of had a point, even though I wasn’t truthfully married, and I felt embarrassed and foolish about the whole thing.
So I backed off and stopped trying to find you. ’
Her heart felt heavy as she tried to take it in.
He had come after her, just like Rufus had said.
He’d wanted to explain things. What if he’d been able to?
Would the past ten years or so have been different?
Chances are, she would have been in one of her superficial relationships.
But might she have listened? She guessed Rufus had only been trying to protect her blossoming love coach status and perhaps any money he stood to make from it.
‘Hang on. Are you wondering if I display the hallmarks of a stalker?’ He blinked a few times, as though he wasn’t quite sure.
‘No! I’m just trying to get my head straight, and nothing I’m asking you has got anything to do with this trolling.’
Well, apart from her next question, which was something mentioned by @whoami23456 – but only because she couldn’t stop wondering.
‘Did you … create ’Appy Together with any particular purpose in mind?’
His mouth dropped open. ‘Are you trying to ask if I created the whole thing just to suck you into it, in the hope we could get back together?’
‘I don’t mind if you did,’ she said quickly. ‘I mean, I might have once, but …’ Wow, she was digging herself a hole. ‘It’s just that you sort of named it after our song …’
‘Alyssa, I have always held a torch for you. I’m not going to lie about that.
And maybe that song was on my mind, and I may have entertained a few romantic ideas.
But I would not doctor my own piece of software to try and force you to spend time with me.
Call it coincidence or fate, or the fact I’m not too bloody bad at inventing an algorithm that works in matching the right people together.
But please do not suggest I’m some sort of stalker or troll. ’
‘I’m honestly not, I just—’
‘I’d thought we were a couple now. That we would deal with this sort of thing together.
’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘I had similar threats from this @whoami profile. One before the tango night, and another during our spa weekend. I didn’t want to worry you with it.
But if push came to shove, I would have spoken to you rather than legging it to a different county. ’
The unsaid word again hung between them. How could she make him understand he was taking this all wrong?
‘I’m not leaving you, or mistrusting you, and you know Rufus is just a colleague and a very odd friend?’
He held up a hand. ‘If you want to back out of whatever the last task might be while you think about things, I won’t be a dick about it. In fact, maybe you should, if you have that many concerns about me. I’d just be grateful if you’d keep me in the loop.’
Keep him in the loop? Now he was moving from civilised to professional. She didn’t want to become just his colleague, or to take a break from things. How was she meant to fix this?
‘Maybe it was my fault for tagging you in the social media conversation in the first place,’ he continued. ‘Perhaps I was hoping for something to come of it. I can see why you might not trust me. If I hadn’t made this mission so public, we wouldn’t be in this trouble.’
‘Stop, Devan. It’s really not you. It’s not either of us, it’s just …
’ She scratched her head. For someone who coached others through their relationship tangles, she had limited experience of sorting out her own.
When things got tough, she generally moved out and found someone more accommodating. ‘I need time to sort things out.’
She wanted to reach out and touch him. To tell him everything would be all right, even though she didn’t know if that was true, unless she could find this online troll. It would be so much easier if they were within hand-holding distance.
‘Are you happier being back in London?’ he asked. ‘Perhaps Hartglove isn’t many people’s first choice either, beyond the pretty blossom and occasional bunting.’ He was trying to make light of it, but she could sense his tension.
‘Erm, no, actually. I’m not happier here.’
She missed Hartglove, and the sense of community, and the people sticking their kindly noses into her business, and real-life connection, instead of friends who only existed on her phone screen – and the caramel apple everything.
Though she was terrified that if she didn’t get to the bottom of this mystery, she may never be able to trust and let down her barriers again – in Hartglove or anywhere.
She had thought being in London, where people were too busy with their own lives or minding their own business, would be easier.
But it just felt lonely, and she wasn’t sure who she could trust outside the walls of Rufus’s apartment.
She’d lived in the city for over a decade and still had no one to turn to.
She thought about how Sylvie and Jess were always ready with advice, nice biscuits and macramé – she’d never get that here.
But as she opened her mouth to try and explain that without adding to Devan’s suspicions it was him she didn’t trust, he changed the subject, as though he couldn’t face hearing her polite excuses.
‘Is that a plastic Miley Cyrus doll behind you?’ Devan screwed up his face, getting closer to the screen. ‘And wait. Harry Styles?’
Alyssa checked over her shoulder. ‘They’re part of Rufus’s extensive collection. Although don’t get me started on the bizarre gym equipment I’m sharing a room with. If you’ve never topped and tailed with a Fab Abs & Flab Massager, you’re missing out.’
‘And you’re sure you’re safe there?’
‘Rufus is harmless. And he needs me in one piece, with an untarnished reputation, so he can make his moolah. He’s the last person who’d be out to break me. In fact, most days, he’s too lazy to drag himself from the couch.’
Devan let out a tense breath, as though frustrated she would choose to be somewhere quite so odd rather than with him.
‘Honestly, I’ll be OK.’
‘Right. Look, Emmalina’s trying to get through. I’d better take this.’
‘Of course.’
And then he rang off.
Alyssa dropped her phone onto the bed, her face falling into her hands.
‘Urrrrrrrgggghhh.’
On the reasons to be cheerful side, Devan didn’t seem to know about ’Appy Together’s final love task for them – her grand gesture of love.
Though the idea of it had been filling her with dread, even before that stunted, confusing conversation.
Now she wasn’t at all confident he’d be open to any attempt at a romantic gesture from her. And she wasn’t sure she blamed him.