what if
MARLEY
The wedding buzz around Carina and Gavin’s wedding had grown impossible to ignore.
Entertainment blogs were posting updates daily.
Guests staying at the resort were showing up outside the resort gates hoping to catch a glimpse of Carina, Gavin, or one of the many celebrity guests in attendance.
With the resort reserved exclusively for wedding guests, paparazzi had been forced to get creative, staking out entrances and nearby beaches instead.
Privacy was becoming harder and harder to come by.
Which is probably why today’s celebration is taking place several miles off the coast on a yacht the size of a small mansion. The boat is ridiculously huge and extremely gorgeous.
I can tell Othello is trying his hardest to be social, and I shoot him a thumbs-up when I feel like no one is looking.
“Good job,” I mouth, like a proud schoolteacher. This only makes him laugh. We play Never Have I Ever, dance barefoot on the deck, and drink Pina Coladas made with way too much rum.
Todd, with his immense ego, dares everyone to jump off the side of the yacht. According to Jayla, it’s a 15-foot drop, and she wasn’t having any parts of it.
The men, on the other hand, went eagerly, ripping off their shirts and jumping without hesitation. Danielle and I are the only women brave enough to take the leap.
“It’s too high,” Jayla frowns, whipping her head so hard her hair slips from its gold banana clip. “Plus I’m not swimming with Nemo and them. Y’all can have that.”
“There could be sharks down there,” Lety frowns from her lounge chair. She’s reading a fantasy book, her shades doing little to hide her mortified expression.
Camila, who has been resting on her back with the straps of her bathing suit off, says nothing. She is either asleep or doesn’t give a damn about what’s going on.
“I’m with Jay,” Carina adds. “Plus, I don’t want to get my hair wet.”
“Don’t be like that,” Gavin shouts excitedly.
He and the boys are back on the boat, dripping wet, Gavin reaching for Carina’s wrist. She tries yanking away from him, but she isn’t fast enough and pulls her toward the edge of the yacht.
She squeals and hollers for Gavin to let her go, but he doesn’t let up as her heels dig into the deck, trying her hardest to get out of his grip.
“Wait! No!” she hollers.
But his strength is no match for her tiny, petite frame.
“Gavin Wade, don’t you dare!”
In one swift motion, Gavin wraps an arm around Carina’s waist, pulling her back against his chest before launching both of them over the side of the yacht and into the Pacific.
We all gasp and rush toward the railing, waiting to see the wrath of Carina. But instead, her head explodes through the sea with a laugh so loud and infectious that the rest of us immediately start laughing too.
“Y’all boys ready to see how it’s done?” Danielle hollers before she jumps in with a beautiful swan dive. It was damn near flawless, and I’m almost too ashamed to follow up with my cannonball jump.
“Let’s go, Marley!” someone hollers.
I gather up some nerve. 15 feet high?
I stand near the edge of the yacht, staring down at the endless blue water crashing softly beneath us, suddenly far less confident than I was five minutes ago. The distance between the deck and the water somehow doubled the second I walked over here. It didn’t seem this high earlier.
“Oh, now you’re scared?” Othello teases from beside me.
“Shush! Give me a minute,” I scold him playfully. The wind whips through my locs, and I feel Othello take my hand, his fingers sliding between my own.
“We jump on three,” he says. He squeezes my hand. “I got you.”
And suddenly I’m transported back to the plane when Othello held my hand during takeoff. A flutter moves through my stomach, and it has nothing to do with my nerves or this jump. I shiver as we both look out at the rippling aquamarine water.
“One…two…”
On three, we jump. I scream a blood-curdling scream. My stomach drops from the fall, but Othello never lets go of my hand. Not even when we hit the water.
We resurface laughing hard. He’s still holding my hand when he pulls me against him while everyone on the yacht cheers overhead.
We swim to the ladder on the side of the boat and pull ourselves back up onto the deck. A deckhand is waiting there for us with oversized towels. Othello takes one and wraps it around me, rubbing my shoulders up and down and kissing my forehead.
“You good?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m good. I want to do it again.”
And we do. Over and over. Until I finally wear myself out.
I take my towel and lay it across the seat on one of the empty lounge chairs situated between Carina and Danielle before lying back in it.
My canvas bag is already placed right beside it, and I pull out my sunglasses and perch them on my nose.
“You swim like a mermaid,” I tell Danielle.
“I was on the swim team for 10 years,” she says confidently. I watch her lather her sepia-colored skin with more suntan lotion.
“Nice.”
Another crew member brings over a tray of frothy peach drinks, and I eagerly grab one, ready to quench my thirst. I look over and see Othello talking with the guys, but his gaze keeps drifting back to me. When he catches me looking, a slow smile spreads across his dangerously handsome face.
Carina scoffs. “That man has been watching you like a security guard all afternoon. What did you do to him?”
An uncomfortable laugh escapes me because I didn’t realize anyone else had noticed the way Othello and I were ogling each other.
I realize Danielle is peering at me over the rim of Versace sunglasses, waiting for my response.
“Oh, nothing,” I shrug my answer.
“I love a fresh, brand new relationship. It’s always like being bitten by the love bug when it’s new,” Danielle says.
“New relationships really are the best,” Jayla beams. “Which is why I give it three months tops before I fizzle out and make up an excuse to end things.”
Lety looks over, disgusted. “Why would you do that?”
“Because relationships are boring when you get comfortable.”
Carina grunts. “When me and Othello were new, he never looked at me that way.” And then, as if she’s in a daze, she says, “He really likes you, Marley.
“Yeah, so now you can stop saying their relationship is fake,” Danielle quips, settling back in her lounge chair and looking up at the sun. I almost choke on my drink.
“What?” I gag.
“Yeah, she thinks Othello is doing shit to get back at her and Gavin. As if he gives a shit. Clearly, he’s moved on.”
“Why would you think it was fake?” I ask.
The question comes out strangled and wavering.
I suddenly feel nauseous, and it has nothing to do with the boat's sway.
Did we not look convincing enough? Or did Carina simply know Othello well enough to recognize when something between him and another person was real?
“Because Carina is conceited as fuck and thinks everything is about her,” Danielle answers.
“Yeah, well it was just so odd. Sure, Othello is private and keeps to himself, but relationships?” She blows a raspberry. “He doesn’t get out much to have them.”
“And how do you know this?” Danielle snorts. “You’ve been occupied with Gavin. You don’t know what that man has been doing the past three years.”
Jayla’s lips curl into a knowing grin, and she pulls the brim of her oversized sunhat down over her face.
“Okay, maybe I don’t know that, but I know Ozzy.”
“You knew Ozzy,” Danielle clips.
Carina pulls her shades down to peer at Danielle, her eyes blinking rapidly.
The correction seems to catch her off guard.
Danielle has struck a nerve. Something I notice she does a lot when she and Carina are together.
I wonder if this is how their friendship works.
Carina talking like a spoiled brat and Danielle being the one to humble her and put her in her place.
Carina slides her sunglasses back up the bridge of her contoured nose, but the slight tremble in her bottom lip tells me she’s far from okay.
Danielle seems as if she already knows what’s coming and rolls her eyes.
Without another word, Carina rises from the chaise lounge and heads toward the spiral staircase leading to the lower deck.
I look to Jayla, Danielle, and Lety. Surely one of them is going to follow her. Her trusted wedding party. Her friends and family. But none of them budge.
Danielle flicks a dismissive hand through the air. “She’ll be fine.”
I’m not sure what makes me get up and go after her. Maybe concern and curiosity. Or maybe guilt after everything Carina just admitted. Jayla adjusts her sunhat and stretches her legs out farther. Lety reaches for her drink.
“I’ll go,” I say.
None of the ladies stop me.
I find Carina at the bar below deck, already fixing a stiff drink.
Her eyes are red with tears, and she looks more distraught than I’ve ever seen her.
On-screen, she always looks picture-perfect.
Perfect smile. Perfect attitude. Perfect laugh.
A woman who looks like she’s incapable of having a bad day.
Seeing her this way is a little jarring.
Upset, tears in her eyes, mascara streaking down her face.
“Hey,” I call out softly, but even that makes her flinch. She turns away from me, wiping tears I’ve already seen.
“I’m fine,” she says, looking back up at me. “It’s just the wedding has me so emotional.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Yeah, you can go back up. Nothing to report here,” she says with a forced laugh.
“Carina, I’m not here to report every little thing you do. I’m genuinely concerned.”
Her eyes scan me over the rim of her glass, weighing my sincerity. She finishes whatever white liquor she just poured and winces.
“I’m going to need a new liver when this week is over.”
The joke is weak, and so is her faint laugh. Carina sighs heavily, and I feel the subtle crack in her voice, as if she’s going to cry again. I come closer, gently touch her arm, and let her know that whatever she needs to tell me will be safe with me.
“The closer we get to this wedding, the more miserable I feel,” she says. “I wake up unhappy and a bride is supposed to be happy, right?”
My brow furrows. I’m beyond confused. “I thought you loved Gavin.”
“I do. More than anything. But that doesn’t mean I want this.”
I’m even more confused than before. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”
She groans, exasperated. And maybe it’s because she doesn’t know what to say herself.
“Listen to me,” she shakes her head. “I’m sure I sound ungrateful.”
“No, you don’t. You sound overwhelmed. And that’s okay. I’m sure it’s just—”
“Wedding jitters?” Carina finishes for me. “Trust me. It’s not wedding jitters. It’s so much more than that. I’m just so tired.”
A sad smile spreads slowly across her face. “I’m tired, Marley. I’m so fucking tired.”
“You’re planning a destination wedding. It’s going to happen.”
“It’s not the wedding. It’s all the pretending,” she admits. And my insides turn to ice at the word, pretending.
“I’ve been pretending I’m fine with this wedding. But I’m not. This is my wedding day, and it should be how I want it.”
I couldn’t lie; she had a point there.
“And I’ve been pretending I’m not paranoid about what’s to come in me and Gavin’s future.”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you ever heard the phrase, 'How you get them is how you lose them'?”
Plenty of times.
“I think about it all the time. It scares me so much. I mean, I know he loves me. I can feel it when we’re together. But I’m scared to death.”
Color seems to drain from her face. “What if Gavin cheats on me, just like how I cheated on Othello? Or what if this is my karma coming around to bite me, and I’m doomed to suffer the exact same heartbreak?”
“Carina, trust me, it’s the wedding making you feel like this.
It has a way of bringing up all kinds of insecurities and what-if scenarios.
You made a mistake in your past, but that doesn't mean you are banned from having a happy, loyal marriage now. Trust the love you feel when it’s the two of you and think positive. ”
A tear slips past her sunglasses.
I don’t know how to feel about this global icon admitting that she feels insecure in her own fairytale life. The absolute irony of it all was staggering. And the fact that she’s admitting it to me is all the more bizarre.
“Maybe you’re right. I’ve been a total mess and so completely on edge. I suppose that’s why I’ve been such a bitch to you lately, too. Trust me, Marley, it has nothing to do with Othello.”
The light in her eyes dims. I look at Carina with a newfound softness, and my heart starts to ache for her.
It’s strange seeing someone who appears to have everything quietly admit that she’s unhappy.
She’s terrified of losing the man she loves.
And I have been a card-carrying member of that same club.
“What would make you happy right now?” I ask her.
Carina sniffs, her voice breaking when she says. “Not getting married. I love him. I do. But I don’t think I’m ready to marry him.”
The sound of Gavin’s voice sends a jolt through us both, and we snap our heads toward the entrance. Gavin walks into the room, a steak kabob in his hand.
“There you are.” Relief washes over his face. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Food’s ready.”
Neither of us says a word.
Gavin glances between us, oblivious to the bomb that just detonated in the room. How would he feel if Carina confessed to him what she just confessed to me?
“Everything okay?” Gavin asks.
Carina swallows. Her golden girl smile returns. She’s on.
Ready. Set. Action!
“Yeah, I'm good. Marley was just telling me a really touching story.”
Gavin looks at me, and I smile, my head bobbing up and down.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, but it’s nothing,” I tell him. “We’re done here.”
Gavin’s brow furrows and he turns back to his blushing bride. “You sure you good?”
“Yeah,” she says softly. “Everything’s fine.”
By the time the sky turns into a watercolor mix of purple and orange, the yacht is making its way back to the coast. The day isn’t over yet.
Tonight is reserved for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.
We’re instructed to return to our rooms, shower, change, and regroup at the front entrance, where a black luxury coach awaits to take us to the next location.
Chateau Ha’ani.
When Othello and I enter our suite, we are tangled into each other. We make love in the shower and then all over again on the bathroom counter, leaving us dashing out with barely enough time to make the bus. I don’t miss the calculating stare from Carina.
Had this been days ago, I would have assumed it was jealousy. Now, all I can think about is the conversation we had on the yacht.
I love him. I do. But I don’t think I’m ready to marry him.
I snuggle into my man for the week as Carina curls into her fiancé’s side. Our eyes meet for a fleeting moment. How strange this all feels. She and I, wrapped in situations that aren’t entirely real.