Chapter 7
JANIS GRISSOM
“Keep your nasty cooties away from me,” I said as Lark and Cydney walked toward the couch where I was sitting while I waited for my turn in the dressing room. “There are plenty of chairs on the other side of the room where your funk can’t touch me.”
“Honey, in order for you to get what we’ve got, we’re not the ones that need to touch you.”
“I still don’t want to talk to either one of you.”
“You know you miss me,” Cydney said as she flopped down beside me and leaned over to rest her head on my shoulder.
Lark did the same thing on the other side before she said, “And even though I get to see you all the time, we don’t snuggle nearly enough.”
“Did you bring the weedeater?” Cydney asked.
“Shit. I forgot it,” Lark answered.
“Do they have a fire extinguisher in this place?” Cydney asked Constance, who was watching us from a nearby chair. “We’re probably going to need it.”
“Even though I am fully aware that it’s probably a bad idea for me to get involved in this conversation, I have to ask . . . Why do you need lawn care machinery or a fire extinguisher?”
“They’re precautionary measures we need for Janis’ fitting,” Lark answered.
When Constance still looked confused, Cydney explained, “We were going to use the weedeater to hack at the wooly cover on Janis’ legs, but since we forgot it, we’ll need the extinguisher to put out the flames they cause when they rub together while she’s trying on the dress.”
“Her legs don’t normally touch because she wears leggings or jeans, but we’re all risking imminent death if they rub together and start a brush fire.”
“I shaved this morning, assholes,” I muttered as I let my head fall back against the couch. “How long is this going to take?”
“We’ll be here until it’s done, and I don’t want to hear you bitching the entire time, so shut your yapper,” Bella said as she breezed into the room wearing a silky robe. She twirled around before she asked, “Aren’t I gorgeous?”
“You’d look better on fire. I say that in the most loving way because I haven’t had to put up with your shit much lately, but I’m highly irritated that you conned me into wearing a dress.”
“I didn’t con you into anything,” Bella said as she sat in the chair next to Constance. “I asked you to be a bridesmaid, and you agreed.”
“I’m not sure why since I can’t stand your ass half the time.”
Constance burst out laughing before she looked at Bella and said, “The dynamic of the friendships in your group amazes me. I thought for sure that I was going to witness a catfight last night, and now I’m almost positive that Janis is going to pull out a knife and start stabbing people.”
“That’s a possibility," Bella said with a grin. “Cyd and Lark are pretty quick on their feet when they need to be, though, so they’ll get through it okay.”
“How do I look?” Zoey asked as she walked out of the dressing room.
“Like you need a manicure and a spray tan,” Lark answered.
“She’s right about both,” Bella agreed.
“I’m talking about the dress, assholes. Does it fit?”
“Well, you’re in it,” I pointed out.
The seamstress motioned toward the dais in front of the three-way mirror against the wall, and Zoey walked over to stand on it as she said, “Just think, Janis. It won’t be long until you get to wear a dress and heels for hours!”
“It’s not too late for you to find another bridesmaid, not that you need one since you’ve got a dozen, even without me.”
“When I told Matteo about the wedding I wanted in Rojo, I mentioned half a dozen bridesmaids, and I wasn’t kidding.”
“All those years of public education, and she still can’t count,” Rain said as she appeared with another seamstress trailing behind her. “Where are our tax dollars really going?”
“She wanted to have six, but then she remembered she has a sister and gave me a pity spot,” Teague chimed in as she set her e-reader aside and frowned at Bella.
“Honestly, I would have been content to do this all by myself, but Matteo’s got all these friends who are really excited to wear tuxedos and have their picture taken,” Bella lied.
We all started laughing because we knew that was bullshit even though we didn’t know her fiance or any of the groomsmen very well.
Bella giggled before she said, “Dylan keeps telling me he’d rather be in charge of the catering and watch from the sidelines, but it’s so much fun to fuck with him that I insisted he wear a tux and stand on my side with me. ”
“I’m with Dylan. Let me make the cakes and watch from a seat somewhere at the back of the stadium so I can escape when people start to irritate me.”
“It’s not a stadium,” Bella grumbled. “It’s just a raised platform.”
“I know the men who are building that platform, and for the right amount of money, I could get them to install a trapdoor so you can run away whenever you’ve had enough.”
“For the right amount of money, could you have them install a spring under certain people so I can launch them into the atmosphere with the push of a button?” Constance asked.
“Who would you launch first?” Rain asked.
“I’d recoup my investment by gathering money from their wives and girlfriends, and the one who pays me the most would get to see their man fly,” Constance said with a shrug. “I wouldn’t play favorites. Business is business.”
“Is it too early in our friendship for me to profess my undying love?” Lark asked Constance.
“Could we rig some of the seats in the audience to do the same thing?” Rain asked with a grin. “If you can figure out how to make that happen, I’ve got a healthy investment portfolio I’d be more than happy to draw from just for the occasion.”
“As if you’d need to. You’re married to a rock star who is so hot that people just throw money at him,” Teague said with a smirk.
Rain chuckled before she said, “I’ve never seen them throw money, but there are women who throw their bras and panties on stage.”
“Do you pick them out of the crowd and follow them to their car?” Constance asked.
“Again, I’m hopelessly in love with you,” Lark announced.
Constance shrugged before she said, “It happens to everyone sooner or later.”
We were still laughing at her reply when Cydney asked, “How many people are coming to this thing anyway?”
“I don’t know, since the only people that can really tolerate her are going to be her attendants,” Rain called out over her shoulder as the seamstress knelt down beside her to pin the hem of her dress.
“There are gonna be crickets in the audience,” Lark teased.
“Maybe we should hire some actors to pretend they want to be there,” Cydney added.
“Can we hire an actor to take my place?”
“We’re all going to be standing up there sneezing our asses off because the evil Bridezilla has insisted she needs every flower known to man decorating the place.
” I thought it was hilarious that Zoey was bitching about the flowers since her business was the one growing them and would get the notoriety for them once this fiasco hit the news.
“Jeez, woman. Could you be any more high maintenance?”
“Don’t give her a fucking challenge!” Lark yelled. “God! Can you imagine!”
“There is one thing that I need to talk to all of you about while we’re together.”
“Here it comes!” Lark shouted. “We’re gonna have to learn some sort of dance or wear bows in our hair. I’ve seen the TickyTockies. I know . . .”
“Stop. Calling. Them. That,” Rain growled.
Lark ignored her and said, “So, I know all the bullshit brides put their bridesmaids through, but so far, we’ve managed to resist banding together to make sure the wedding gets cancelled because you suffered a vicious trash panda attack . . . ”
“Where he eats off your nose, making you so self-conscious you never want to leave your house again,” Cydney added.
Bella looked horrified and touched her nose as Rain added, “And you become an agoraphobe, so you won’t even consider rescheduling.”
“But don’t worry,” Lark finished. “We’ll love you through it all.”
“As long as we don’t have to look at you,” Rain said simply before she gave Bella that pageant-winning smile we all knew was fake.
Bella laughed softly before she said, “You guys are the best.”
I glanced over and found Constance with her eyebrows almost touching her hairline and her mouth hanging open in shock and had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. The poor woman had just jumped into an Olympic-sized pool of crazy and couldn’t find the ladder to make an escape.
It was fantastic.
“I just want all of you to know how much I love and adore you, how much I appreciate you, and how glad I am to have had you in my life for all these years,” Bella said before she sniffed and looked down at her hands in her lap.
She sniffed again, and I watched her closely because I knew something was up. “I love y’all so damn much!”
I saw that Teague was just as unimpressed as I was, but Lark, Zoey, Cydney, and Rain had completely forgotten about their outlandish but probably very effective plans and bought her act hook, line, and sinker.
The four girls rushed over, ready to jump right in and comfort our friend, the diabolical bitch.
Constance had gotten past her initial shock and was now dealing with whiplash, which always happened to newbies the first time they spent more than a few minutes with all of us together.
It looked like she was ready to cry, and even though I thought she was pretty funny and very nice, I hated her a little right now.
Whenever I cried, my face looked like a melting strawberry that someone smashed on a blindingly white paper plate, and my nose ran like it had just committed a felony. I hated it when women could cry pretty because that was not, and never would be, one of my parlor tricks.
Teague was frowning at the cluster of babbling women, and when she caught me staring, she raised her eyebrows in question. I couldn’t figure out Bella’s endgame, but I knew if I gave it just a second, she’d finish reeling the other women in and drop whatever bomb she had in her arsenal.