Chapter 33
I wake up lying in a soft bed of grass. My eyes slowly flutter open—the sun is warm, shining bright above me. I squint at the sky, raising a hand to shield the rays. Not one cloud in sight, a bluebird day. My fingers brush through the soft blades as I slowly bring myself into a sitting position. My toes wiggle, stretching across the grass beneath me. The air is clean, like a spring morning laced with dew and earthy soil. The faint chirping of songbirds floats on the air. My hands clutch the white cotton fabric of my shirt. I look down and see no blood.
But I thought I’d been shot…
I slink my hand behind me, gripping where the bullet entered my back and through my chest. Nothing.
Had I fallen asleep out here and dreamed it all?
I whip my head around in a panic, surrounded by nothing but lush green rolling hills. It takes a second for me to realize that I know this place. As I turn around, I see a white gazebo in the distance. A flicker of strawberry blonde hair blowing in the breeze. Her back is to me, looking ahead.
Audrey.
I quickly get to my feet and jog down the hill, needing to get close to her. I need to feel her. I need to breathe her in.
“Audrey!” I call out, but she doesn’t move. She remains seated on the bench inside the gazebo, no reaction. I get to the steps and see her beautiful fair skin and signature sunset hair. She’s wearing a flowy ivory dress that reminds me of the night I fell in love with her. I walk toward her and reach for her hand. But when she turns around, I look closer. The freckles on her nose are there, but her eyes are not my Audrey’s. They’re green, but a different shade. The gold flecks that dance in the sun’s rays are missing. I take a step back, confusion and panic rise in my throat.
She stands up, slightly taller than my Audrey. She reaches for my hand and I flinch, snapping it back.
“Donovan, sweetheart. It’s okay. Don’t be afraid,” she coos. That’s not Audrey’s voice. She looks similar, with the same dainty, feminine features. But it’s not my girl. Not my Mouse.
“Where’s Audrey? Who are you?” I ask, with pain lacing my voice. She smiles and sits back down, patting the open space beside her.
“It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. Let’s just talk,” she says. I don’t know why, but a wave of peace washes over me. Like someone tapped into my body and shifted my emotions. Suddenly, I’m not afraid. I take the seat next to her and look into her eyes.
“So, you’re wondering who I am and how I know you,” she says, the corner of her lips curling. I swallow a lump in my throat and nod. She chuckles, her laugh resembling Audrey’s, and I wonder if I am in a dream. I must be dreaming.
“My name is Wren.”
Wren? Like Audrey’s middle name Wren?
“Wait…you’re...y—?” I stutter. The words fail me, unable to articulate my thoughts.
“Yes. I’m Wren Winthrop. Audrey’s mother.” I stand up too fast and stumble back, my hands flying to the back of my head in utter disbelief. Audrey’s mother? That explains the similarities. But Audrey’s mother is…
Dead.
Tears brim the edges of my eyes. She reaches out and holds my hands, standing before me like she’s the most real thing. She’s real, isn’t she? If I can see her, does this mean that I’m…dead? She responds, answering the questions in my head as if I’ve said them out loud. “Donovan, it’s hard to explain. You’re tethered between worlds. You’re in what we call half heaven.”
My eyes dart back and forth, suddenly feeling lightheaded. I will myself not to faint. She squeezes my hands. Her fingers are long and dainty, palms so soft and comforting.
“Breathe, honey. I know you because I’ve always known you. I’ve known that you have loved my little girl with your whole heart for a long time. And she loves you, too. So much, Donovan.”
I let the tears fall, unable to keep them in any longer. I lean into her, and she holds me against her lean frame while sobs rack my body.
Half heaven.
Did that mean I was...half dead? Dying? Dead but not ready to go? She pulls away from me, putting both of her hands on my cheeks, holding me there to meet her gaze.
I pause, letting myself saturate in Wren’s calming energy. The eyes that stare back are comforting and familiar, as if I’ve known them my whole life. I need to get back to my girl, but the sobs continue at the thought that I don’t think I’ll see her again.
“Donovan, half heaven is an in between place. Your soul hasn’t crossed over yet,” she murmurs. I shake my head, not wanting to believe her. “No, NO. I can’t be gone. I can’t leave her. We didn’t have enough time. There wasn’t enough ti—” I sob, falling to my knees as my hands cover my face. I failed her. I failed to protect her. I promised her I’d keep her safe, and now I’m here.
Not down there.
I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder and I look up, expecting to see Wren, but it’s not her. My voice shakes and I struggle to stand as my body trembles.
“Violet?” I whimper. Her kind eyes smile at me as she pulls me into her arms.
“Hi there, my sweet boy,” she croons, holding me like she did so many times that summer when my heart was broken. I missed her so much. I tower over her, my eyes flitting back and forth between Wren and Violet. Two beautiful pieces of my Audrey. I pull them both into an embrace as the half-heaven sun peeks through the wooden frame of the gazebo.
“I was shot. Kellan shot me. He tried to kill Audrey, and I jumped in front of her. I—I tried to protect her,” I choke out. They hold my hands as I let the tears fall in defeat.
“Donovan, you did protect her. You saved her life, honey. You saved our girl,” Violet says with a softness to her tone. The tears stop, but the heaviness in my chest lingers. A weight that I don’t know I’ll ever be able to lift. The three of us sit back down on the bench and hold each other’s hands without speaking. Quiet. Stillness. Violet and Wren have their eyes closed, breathing in the pure air around us.
A buzzing energy builds in the atmosphere, when suddenly my eyes close and my mind travels to a memory of Wren, pregnant with Audrey. She is sitting in a rocking chair, her pointer finger poking different parts of her swollen belly.
“Where are you, my honey tulip?”A tiny kick hits her hand. She smiles. “There you are, baby. I love you so much, Audrey Wren. You are my legacy. I will love you forever, my honey tulip.”
My eyes fly open, my breath rides on a shudder. Wren and Violet still hold my hands. Their eyes remain closed. Something tells me to close my eyes again, so I do. My vision tunnels behind my eyes; it streaks of neon colors and bright flashes until another memory greets me. This time, it’s Audrey looking in the mirror in what I assume is her old room.
There’s my beautiful girl.
She groans in frustration and changes out of her clothes into a sleep shirt. She lies on her bed and stares at her ceiling, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.
I’d kiss them away.
Violet comes into the room, sitting beside a very frustrated Audrey. Violet’s voice is warm like a freshly baked batch of cookies. She looks at Audrey with wisdom and knowing eyes, giving her advice about living for today, and that she is beautiful no matter what. The admiration in Audrey’s eyes for her gran is bright, giving off the shade of green that sets my soul on fire.
“Wait, Gran. What if I show up and he pays no attention to me?”
The realization hits me. She’s talking about me. This was the night. Our night. She was nervous about whether I’d pay attention to her? She’s always had my attention. Every ounce.
“And don’t think I didn’t miss him practically running to you after the ceremony today. A boy with a look in his eyes like that can only mean one thing…”
I grin, thinking about picking up Audrey’s graduation cap and how our eyes met, how our fingers touched and the spark was so tangible between us, tethering us together in that moment. I keep my eyes closed—I want to live in this memory a little longer.
“And what’s that?” Audrey replies with the cutest expression on her face, like she’s hoping for the exact answer she wants to hear.
“That you will be the center of his night. Trust me on this, sweetheart.”
And she was the center of my night. She was the center of my life.
I open my eyes. Wren and Violet follow as they smile at me, giving me a gentle squeeze around my fingers.
“H-How did you do that?” I breathe. I’m met with silence as they stare at each other, a grin tugging at the corners of their mouths. I give them a breath of a chuckle, grateful for a moment to see Audrey, even just for a moment.
“Thank you for showing me. I don’t know what else to say,” I murmur. Violet leans over and kisses my temple while Wren pats the top of my hand with hers.
I look toward the vineyard that surrounds us, remembering my night with Audrey.
Her dress flowing in the wind. The sound of her contagious laugh. Her hair flying wild. Her electric touch on my skin. Her heart-stopping smile. Her delectable kiss. Her comforting voice. God, I want to hear her voice again. I let the memories take me to that place. Over and over.
Heat spreads throughout my chest and up my neck. The tips of my ears are hot to the touch, and this overwhelming sense of loss hits me like a devastating tsunami. My throat constricts as I try to gain control, having a visceral realization that the reason I’m able to see Wren and Violet’s memories is because I’m in half heaven. My future with Audrey on earth died the moment I got here.
A movement stirs in the distance. There’s someone on the hill, but I can’t make out who it is. I stand up and walk to the edge of the gazebo, squinting my eyes to focus on whoever is walking toward us. Wren and Violet trail behind me, placing their hands on my shoulders. I look at both of them and their gazes soften.
“Go to him, Donovan.” Wren says softly.
Him?
I see the figure coming closer into view, and I step down the stairs, putting my hand over my brows to shade my eyes. As I walk closer, my bare feet wade through the grassy hills, squishing the ground below. A peek of brown hair, tall and lean. He jogs towards me, and I take one step closer to see his face emerging over the hill.
“James?” I whisper.
I turn to face Wren and Violet, who are beaming and holding hands in the gazebo, nodding in my direction. I whip my head back around, my breathing erratic and wild. The flutters in my stomach nearly lift me off the ground as I run.
“James?!” I call out, pumping my legs faster as they thud on the wispy grass.
“James!” I scream, a rawness from my voice as it cracks. His brown hair flows in the breeze, shining under the half-heaven sun. He looks just how I remember him. Forever eighteen. His smile is so bright it leads a clear path to him as we close in on the distance between us. My arms and legs work harder than they ever have. Every stride I take, my heart leaps with it. Adrenaline shoots through my veins, and in ten long strides, I collapse into my big brother’s arms.
We fall to our knees and he holds onto me, my head pressed against his chest as violent sobs leave my body. I cling to his shirt, grappling with every part of him to see if he’s actually here. He kisses the top of my head and hugs me tight, the years apart crashing down in one giant wave of emotions.
“Hey, little bear. I missed ya,” he cries, holding my face in his hands as he laughs and cries at the same time. I mirror him, slamming my head back into his chest as he holds me, falling apart in his arms.
“I missed you too, big bear.” I murmur into his chest. He lifts my head to meet his gaze, beaming like the sun, and ruffles my hair. We stand up and sling our arms around each other, walking toward the gazebo.
“So, you got yourself shot, huh?” he teases. I nudge him in the rib as I shake my head. “Oof, okay, okay, too soon?” he chuckles.
“Way too soon,” I retort, laughing under my breath. I missed joking around with him. I never thought I’d hear his laugh or feel his embrace again.
“You died for love, little bear?”
I look toward the gazebo, Wren and Violet waiting for us.
“Yeah, I guess I did. I died protecting her,” I murmur. He squeezes the outside of my arm and looks down at me. He was always taller than me, which used to make me mad growing up. But now, I love looking up at my brother. He was magic.
Is magic.
“I’m proud of you, little bear. I hope you know how fucking proud I am of you and everything you’ve done,” he beams, tears brimming his eyes. My chest blooms with the affirmation.
“Thank you, big bear. That means everything.”
We approach the steps of the gazebo, Wren and Audrey opening their arms to embrace James. He hugs them both and the three of them stand in front of me, with James in the middle, his arms around both of them.
My heart tugs in two directions. The ache of it all winds so tight in my chest that I can’t take a deep breath. I look at the three of them, in awe of how lucky I am to be witnessing this. They are pieces of Audrey and me. The best parts. But Audrey has the rest of me. I can’t accept that this is where it ends. This can’t be where it ends.
“I’m so happy to have you all here with me in half heaven. But is there a reason my soul hasn’t crossed over? When does that happen? Why am I here and not on the other side yet?” I ask.
James untangles his arms from Wren and Violet and stands before me. “Donovan, your heart stopped. But a piece of your soul is still down on earth, holding onto Audrey,” he says. Oh god, is Audrey with me now? Seeing me like that? I’m supposed to be the one to take her pain away, not give it.
“So, how come you guys are here in half heaven?” I ask. Wren steps forward.
“Donovan, we knew this was going to happen. It was written this way. You were meant to meet us here in half-heaven. It’s not something you can comprehend. It’s…beyond that,” she replies. The wheels in my head work overtime, trying to make sense of it all.
“We knew you’d need us. So we came here to help you.”
I look at James, hoping he can help me understand.
“Help me with what? Cross over?” I reply, my brows knit together in uncertainty. The three of them stand in an arch before me, the four of us completing a circle.
“We are here to help you go home. Back to Audrey,” James whispers.
My heart flutters, thumping wildly out of my chest. I can see her again?
“I can go home? Back to her?” He nods with a dimple grin. Wren and Violet beam with teary eyes.
“Your tie to Audrey is so strong. It’s a soul-deep connection that can bring you back to her. And we are here to do that,” Violet says, reaching for my hand.
Audrey’s my soulmate. Plain and simple. They say love at first sight isn’t real—it only happens in the movies. Well, it happened for me. Our story isn’t over, and if I can go home and be with her like they’re telling me, I’m giving her the whole damn world.
But I’m hit with a bittersweet pang that booms in my chest as I look at James. My protector. My best friend.
“But what about you guys? I just got here. James…I need you. How can I go back now that you’re here?” I cry. My voice cracks when I look into his eyes. My big brother pulls me in for an embrace, and I don’t know how I can let go now that I have him back. He locks onto my gaze with tears in his eyes.
“I love having you here, little bear, but this is how it’s supposed to be. You need to get back to Audrey. She is waiting for you. That’s your future. Not here,” he whispers. My chin quivers as he presses his forehead against mine. I clench my jaw tighter, holding back the overwhelming emotions that fill me. James passes me to Wren, who holds me in her arms.
“Donovan, thank you for loving my baby girl. Thank you for protecting her and helping her heal.” Her hands tremble as she holds me. “Her life was not an easy one, but know this—you are a miracle,” she cries, her soft cheek brushing against mine.
She’s amazing, Mouse. I can’t wait to tell you about her.
“Please tell my honey tulip how much I love her.” Her eyes water, but they’re full of hope.
“I will. I promise.”
Violet opens her arms to me and I hold her against my chest, memorizing how it feels to hug her. “I love you, Violet. Thank you for everything. Noah loves you. Audrey loves you. Everyone loves you,” I murmur, kissing her hair. She wipes the corner of my eye and puts her hand on my cheek, her palm soft as silk. “Oh, my sweet boy. I love you too. Thank you,” she whispers, pressing a kiss to my cheek.
I turn to face James and crash into his arms. We stay like this for a moment, breathing each other in.
“I just got you back. I can’t leave you. I need you, big bear,” I plead, begging for a way where he can come back with me. Where they all can come back. But I know they can’t.
His chest shakes as we silently cry into each other, not wanting to let each other go. But he finally breaks the embrace, placing his hands on my shoulders.
“Now, you listen to me.” His eyes narrow in on mine. Ocean meets ocean. “You have a whole life ahead of you. And as painful and wonderful as it is to have you here, you don’t belong here. Not yet. You hear me?” His voice trembles as he ticks his jaw, holding my face between his hands. I nod as I grip his wrists, tears rimming the edges of my eyes. One blink, and they fall. “Say hi to Mom and Dad for me? A kiss for Wyatt and Kerry, too,” he murmurs, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Love you boys.” He kisses the top of my head and stares hard into my eyes.
“I love you, Donovan. I always will. And I will always be there for you, whether I am here or there. I’m everywhere. Forever, little bear.”
I stifle a sob, resting my forehead on his. “I love you, James. Forever.” I breathe, clutching him to me one last time.
“Say hi to Audrey for us. Tell her we love her,” James says, his palm resting on my heart. Wren and Violet follow, with tears in their eyes, stacking their hands on top of my brothers.
My eyes close and I see a tunnel of light. I open them one last time and take in their faces, remembering each feature. Violet’s kind smile, Wren’s sunset hair, and James.
All of James.
Each of them smiles at me, ready to let me go. “Thank you,” I whisper, meeting their gazes. James gives me a nod and I nod back, closing my eyes.
I picture Audrey and run towards her. I run towards her laugh, her smile, her soul, her heart. I run until the last thing I see is her bright green eyes drowning me before a bright flash blinds me.
And I gasp for air.