Chapter 33 Bonnie
Bonnie
The heat has a distinct end; it’s when I open my eyes, remember what the hell just happened, and am swamped with regrets. This time, it’s not over the alphas I’ve slept with, it’s over what I have to do next.
I pull on my clothes, trying to ignore the pain in my body that comes with a deeply satisfied ache inside me.
Imagine having a heat like that for the rest of my life. Living with the kind of pleasure that only a scent-matched alpha can give. My mouth waters, and I find myself wanting them again. Out here in the middle of nowhere, lying around the ashes of our fire, nothing but trees in every direction.
I stomp away from them, trying to clear my head. Why is everything so hard? When I wanted them, they didn’t want me, and now that they want me, I can’t have them.
Can I?
I rub my chin and consider what my life would look like, living in the city, cameras in my face, limousines and drivers, dresses I’d hate, perfect hair, nails, and a concrete cage.
“No. That’s not what I want.”
I spin and find Dakota has crept up on me. It hurts to look at him. Whoever said sex means nothing didn’t sleep with the right people. Because sex with them has changed everything.
His eyes search my face and his transforms into an expression of resigned amusement. He puts his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels.
“What don’t you want?”
“This, us,” I say without hesitation. Better to rip the band-aid off fast.
“You don’t like us? Didn’t we satisfy you?”
“You did, and I loved what you did. But I’m not giving up my life to go back and live as your pampered princess in your penthouse apartment.”
Dakota smiles. “We have a mansion.”
“I don’t want to live in your mansion either.”
His smile drops. “What do you want?”
I look around and back at him. “I have the whole world here. Adventure, freedom, challenges. Why would I want it all taken away?”
“You could have both.”
“I don’t want both, Kota.” Why is this so hard? “I want this life, this one I fought for when I lost everything else. I’m not giving it up. Do you understand? I’m sorry, but I’m choosing me.”
“But you’re our omega.”
“So come visit sometime.”
He scoffs and turns away. “Come visit sometimes? Seriously. That’s how little we mean to you.”
“No.”
He whirls back. “What do we mean to you?”
My harsh mask softens, and I take a step towards him, reaching out and taking his hand in mine.
“You mean everything, but we’ve already established we can live apart.
We don’t need to be together to care about each other.
I don’t trust you not to hurt me again. So, I’m not going to pack up my life.
I’m not going to accept your bonds. I’m going to stay here and live my life, and you can come and visit me here. If you want.”
Kota growls, but I hear a sound and turn, finding the other three staring at me.
“Is there any way where we end up together? Any chance or path or future? Anything at all?” Cyn almost whispers.
I hesitate. “I can’t go back with you. You don’t know what it was like. Everyone turned against me; they sold out me, my family. They took our photos and history and turned me into a whore. I don’t want to be part of that world. So, while you are there, I can’t be with you.”
“We’d never let them hurt you,” Vale says.
“But you did. You already did, and I’m not prepared to put myself or my family through it again, Vale. I don’t trust you to be there when it counts.”
The four of them deflate.
“Well, I guess that’s all there is to say.”
Rory grabs my arm as I turn away and spins me back around. “No, that’s not all there is to say. You don’t trust us, fair enough, but we can earn it back. And you don’t want to leave…fine, what if we came to you.”
I stare up at him, the world tilting wildly. “What?”
“What if we moved out here and gave it all up for you? Would that be proof enough?”
“You can’t-”
“We can. Money, things. We don’t care about that. We want you.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Of course, we know what we’re saying,” Dakota says.
It feels like everything is just crashing out of my control. “I think we should table this conversation and get back. My dad’s going to be worried about me.”
I lead them on a cracking pace back, and we find Meg and Desi leaning on a car, whispering to each other.
Meg sees me and springs past her alpha, rushing over and pulling me away from the pack.
“So, am I stabbing anyone?”
“No,” I mutter, casting a look at Vale out of the corner of my eye.
“No?”
“No. No stabbing.”
She peers at my face. “Oh, no, you caught feelings. Already? They have really good cock?”
“We do,” Vale says.
“Be gone, you walking dildo.”
“I find that mildly offensive.”
“Until you prove your use, you are simply a mobile dick,” Meg says tartly.
The pack consider her with interest.
“Uh-uh. I’m the bestie. I’m untouchable, I can say whatever I want.”
They look at me. I shrug my shoulders. “Sorry, dildos. Meg is right; she’s got privileges.”
Kota scoffs but winks at me as he walks past to talk to Desi.
“So, you caught feelings?” she whispers to me.
“Didn’t I always have feelings?” I ask.
“Well yes, but you suppressed them and cemented them in concrete booties and then threw them in the deepest lake and became a robot.”
I glare at her.
“It’s okay, I love your robotic ass.”
“What is wrong with you?”
“So many things.” Meg sighs. “So, big cock?”
I hiss out a laugh.
“I’m going to take that as a yes, you are an aching puddle of happy omega.”
“So, what’s the verdict? Are we taking them home for Daddy Sanderson’s approval?”
I think of it and shudder. “I think Dad might still kill them.”
“Would he? What if you told him about-”
“No. I’m not telling him that. What if I’m wrong? I don’t know for certain if they are killers.”
“Are you wrong?” Meg says and glances at the pack. Desi is laughing and getting along with them far too well.
“I don’t know. There were a whole lot of attempts.”
“So, you need to do some sleuthing and discover if they are sexy, serial killer alphas or just plain, boring alphas.” She pauses. “Why not just ask them?”
I stare at her in stunned amazement. “Are you seriously suggesting I walk over to those alphas, who want me to let them bite me, and ask them if, in their spare time, they go out murdering people left, right, and center?”
“Yes, ask them.”
“Are you out of your mind?”
Meg laughs. “Maybe.” Meg scoots back and waggles her fingers at me. “Incoming.”
I’m scooped up.
I let out a growl and kick, but my blow is easily evaded.
“Don’t be feisty, I’ll have to smack your ass again,” Cyn whispers in my ear.
Those are fighting words, well, fucking words, but I’ll take them. My body is saying yes. But our time is up.
I’m lifted off my feet and carried to the three massive alphas who are walking towards me.
“Cyn?”
He buries his face in my neck and inhales and exhales deeply. In a way that reminds me of how my old dog used to sigh when I would cover her with a blanket.
Is my scent soothing to these alphas?
The way theirs is to me?
Rory grabs my chin, tilts my face up, and kisses me. His kiss no sooner finishes than Vale claims my mouth.
The kiss is a claiming, a reminder, and a goodbye. We all know it, we can all feel it, but no words pass.
And then they are gone. And I’m watching their car drive away, and my eyes are prickling. Meg takes my hand while Desi puts an arm over my shoulder.
“Its going to be okay.”
Yeah, I probably won’t see them again.
It hurts almost as bad as last time.
No, it hurts more.
They help me into the back of the car where I break down, completely and utterly losing it in a way I haven’t in years because all I want to do is call them back and ask them to stay.
But I can’t do that.