Meeting You

24. Auden

Frank and I have been sitting on the front porch for a couple of minutes sipping our iced teas as I look at the willow tree behind him and the vast land where Storm and Heath are running around with the dog. Neither of us has said anything about the box of memories between us that feels like it’s growing the longer we wait for the inevitable. But I think the awkward silence is about Storm and I more so than this box.

I inhale a deep breath. “Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it. Iis my relationship with Storm bothering you?”

Frank sighs, looking over at Storm as he lifts Heath and pretends to bodyslam him on the ground. Heath giggles moving through the area.

“He’s not the best man, Auden.”

I scoff, folding my arms. “And you know that based on the women he sleeps with?”

“He cheated on his ex-girlfriend, then continued to sleep around with whoever he wanted to because he has a pretty face. I do not want my daughter to be tainted with his—”

“Frank, I appreciate the protectiveness. I do, but I’m a big girl. I’ve had my heart broken before, and I promise you, Storm is not someone who will break my heart.” I smile, looking at him as he growls playfully at Heath and picks him up again. “He’s different and I like this different.”

Frank follows my gaze, watching as Storm plays with Heath. A beautiful sight to see. I can’t be upset with my birth father for being worried about me. But I got this; I know I do. My choice to see things through with Storm is one of the better decisions I’ve had lately. Meeting Frank is my first.

“So,” I start, sipping the iced tea. “We doing this?”

“I supposed so.” He chuckles, looking off at Storm and Heath again as the dog barks. “We can’t put it off forever.”

Frank pulls the box to him with a bewildered grin on his face. I can’t blame him for this, I’m just as confused and nervous about this whole situation. All my life I’ve felt like the black sheep of the family. The “ginger” everyone rolled their eyes at because I’m not Asian or German like my adopted parents. I never made dumplings the right way and I botched speaking German to my father’s aunts. Meeting Frank has shown me that I fit in here. This is where I’m from, this is who I’d grow up with, and these people would be my family. Frank and I are so much alike it’s astounding. Lloyd and I are basically the same person, too. My brains match Johnson’s. It’s funny seeing siblings I never met have so much in common with me.

But there are still pieces missing. The woman who birthed me.

Frank smiles at a picture in his hands, holding it out to me. Wow! The woman is gorgeous. I definitely know where I get my looks from. Her hair is as red as mine, only curled, and she has bangs. Everyone always comments about me being the sexiest thing this town has ever seen, but that’s certainly not true. My birth mother is stunning.

“I look just like her,” I let out, wondering what it would have been like to meet her. Frank and I are similar in our habits, more so in our laugh. But maybe with Bobbie-Jean, I’d see this wild side of me I try to keep hidden.

“This was taken the day we found out we were pregnant,” he says, taking the picture from me and handing me another. “This is right after I carved our initials in the willow tree.”

It’s a selfie of them looking so happy. He has a lot of Polaroids of the two of them, and very few of just her. I don’t mind it. Seeing them at the age they were when they had me makes me feel like my search is complete. I found my birth parents.

I don’t mean to, but I tear up, putting a hand on my mouth as I sift through a few of the photos. They seemed so happy and full of life. I don’t even want to imagine what Frank must’ve gone through when she passed away because of me.

He puts his hand out, brushing his thumb along my knuckles. It’s the first father-daughter moment we’ve had. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I have a dad. The best dad. He goes above and beyond for me, and so does my mother, but there’s something about my dad I’m more comfortable with. He listens. He understands. He protects. Being in Frank’s presence makes me guilty. Like I’m doing this to spite him. And I would never.

I just needed to know where I came from. And being here, it’s exactly where I want to be.

“Sorry.” I let go of Frank’s hand and wipe under my eyes. “Everything is just so real. I never thought I’d meet you guys. And—God. This is crazy, isn’t it?”

“What’s crazy is I’ve been looking for you for twenty years.” Frank sniffs, looking at me with that smile that hasn’t left his face. “When I was mature enough to know that giving you up was the worst decision I ever made, I started my search—Bobbie, she’s the one who wanted you. She was so smart. Top of her class, but she hated school. Said that even though it was easy for her, she didn’t want to waste her time at school when she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life…she got pregnant on purpose, but I wasn’t ready. We were kids, what the heck did we know about raising kids? I worked two weeks straight to save just enough for an abortion—she slapped me silly when I suggested it. We were having you no matter what my opinion was.”

He shakes his head, looking off at Heath who lets out a yell as Storm lifts him over his shoulder and runs through the lawn. “I regret giving you up, and the thought that I didn’t want you at first always creeps at the back of my mind. It makes me believe that it was the reason I signed those papers. It wasn’t. I wanted you to have a better life. One that I couldn’t give you because I had no one to help me. And you did. Look at you. My daughter is a Princeton graduate. She’s beautiful. Funny. And everything I could have imagined. You wouldn’t have become this if you stayed with me.” He meets my gaze. “I hate that I gave you up, but seeing you now, Auden, it’s the best decision I could have made.”

So, I’m crying, like an idiot. I never met her and I feel like she’s my world. Looking at these pictures and hearing Frank’s words. She is me. My blackout year started because I felt pressured to be the best. I felt like I had no choice but to succeed at school because of the scholarship. I didn’t. I was doing fine, yet there was this weight on my shoulders dragging me down. The more I drank, the easier it was for me to breathe. I realize that now. I didn’t back then. But when my dad was shot, it hit me harder than I thought. The stress of school and the fear of losing him took hold of my life.

My friends didn’t help me, either. They let me drink and let me make a fool of myself. After six months of it, Sean finally put his foot down and expressed his worries. But I didn’t listen, and another couple of months passed before Millie stepped in. It felt a little too late since all I wanted to do was drown out her worries with shots of vodka. My dad tried to step in, too, telling me he would be okay, that it was a fluke accident. But it wasn’t. A centimeter more and I would’ve lost him.

Frank gave me up to better my life, yet I can’t help but wonder how my life would be any different if I grew up here. Bobbie and I had the world on our shoulders. She gave it up for me, I almost lost it for vodka. I’ll never meet my birth mother, but I feel closer to her than I have with anyone I’ve ever met.

I chuckle dryly. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” he says, wiping his eyes as well. “Here. This is, uh, this is the letter she wrote for you when she was pregnant.”

I wipe under my eyes again. “I can’t believe after all these years you never opened it.”

“It wasn’t written for me,” he says, holding out the envelope.

“What did you want to name me?”

“We never picked out a name. We didn’t even know you were a girl until you were born. The last thing Bobbie said to me before she died was, our little lady. That’s what I called you. My little lady.” He nods, gulping his iced tea. “She wanted the sex of the baby to be a surprise and said once we see the baby, we’d know what their name would be. But after I saw you and saw her die, you were nothing more than My Little Lady. I couldn’t name you without her.”

I let out a little chuckle, wiping a falling tear. “What’s funny is my dad calls me that from time to time.”

“It’s meant to be,” Frank says, taking out a yellow baby blanket.

To my baby, is what’s written on the front of the envelope. My hands are literally shaking. I’ll never meet this woman, so I’ll never be able to ask her things about herself to see if we share the same thoughts or attributes. I’ll never meet her unless I read this letter.

“Will you read it with me?” I ask Frank.

He shakes his head quickly, wiping a falling tear. “I’ve been avoiding that letter for twenty-four years. It’s best to leave her out of my life.” He takes a breath. “I don’t want to drudge up old feelings and cause an argument with Stevie.”

“Has that happened before?”

“I’ll always love Bobbie. She was my one and only, but I never had the chance to say goodbye because she left so suddenly. I met Stevie about six years after that. She already had Maddison at that point, but I still couldn’t let go of the fact that I lost my first love. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that loss.” He shrugs. “Raising Maddison helped because she became my newest little lady, then Lloyd became my little man and so did Johnson. But I lost everything the day you were born.” He sucks in a sharp rush of air, staring at the envelope in my hands. “Stevie helped bring me back, but I’m still not able to let it all go.”

I can’t say I understand how he feels. I don’t think I’ve ever loved and lost someone before. I’ve never truly loved anyone.

I take the leap and open the letter. Her penmanship is very bubbly; she even dots her i’s with little hearts. It’s cute because I used to do that in elementary school.

My baby,

I want you to open this on your sixteenth birthday first thing in the morning. Because sixteen years ago, your father and I made you under the willow tree. The same willow tree he asked me to marry him under. And the willow tree I hope to raise you by.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know a lot of things. I do know that I want you to be the happiest little pumpkin the world has ever seen. You deserve the world and you’re still only the size of a cantaloupe. Frankie thinks it’s funny when I compare you to fruit. I remember walking through the store with him and he picked up an avocado and held it in his hand saying, “this is how big our baby is.” Our baby. Isn’t that the weirdest thing?

I think he’s more excited than I am to have you. I can’t understand why since we don’t have any support. He works like a dog, just to have enough money to give birth to you. I want to have you at the best hospital two towns over and we don’t have insurance—my parents nor his will pay—and it costs a lot to have a baby. Frank keeps suggesting we see the town’s midwife. I don’t know how to tell him I want to be drugged up so I don’t have to feel any pain. Your daddy has a big head.

When you have a baby, be sure to have your life settled first. I didn’t think this over when I poked holes in our condom—yes, I did that because I wanted to have you. You would be my shining star and my reason for a future. I’m not cut out for college—we can’t afford college if I’m being truthful. So, you are what my future is. But when you have little pumpkins, be sure to have someone who loves you as much as Daddy loves me. If he could give me the world, he would. But I’ll settle for our life under our willow tree.

I promise to try my best and give you my best. It might not be a lot, but it’s everything that I have. My baby, you don’t even know how you will change my life. Better yet, how you will change the world.

Frankie knows this, but last year, I moved in with him in secret. We didn’t tell his parents and my parents don’t really care. My home life isn’t the best. My mother beats me because she’s unhappy. My father abuses me because my mother hates him. When I met your dad, he protected me from the abuse. He stood up to my father and got my mother arrested. He saved me without even knowing. I hope you’re like your dad. Selfless and with so much love to give. He saved me from a life I could have died in and brought me you. Your daddy is my savior. Be like your daddy, save people. Help people. Make a difference in the world.

We still have a few more months to go before meeting you and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your little nose and tickle your little toes.

I love you, my baby.

You saved me, too.

Save the world.

Save yourself for greatness.

Happy sweet sixteen!

Love, Mama.

I put the letter down on the table between us and bite my lip. I’m awestruck. I can’t even muster up a single sound until Heath’s screams startle me and return my focus to Frank. “You saved her?”

He exhales a breath it seems he was holding the entire time I was reading this letter. “She mentions that?”

She was a child when she wrote this, the same age as Lloyd, but I feel like I understand her. She had nothing to give, she had no one. She wanted me to give her life meaning. This letter is everything, but it’s nothing. I wanted to learn about her and know her life through her words, not the heartache she went through. No one deserves that type of upbringing. Yet knowing that Frank saved her, gives me hope. I get my selflessness from him. I help people because of him. I’m my father’s daughter. A savior.

“She says you saved her from her parents and moved her in with you to start a life under the willow tree,” I reply, brushing hair off my shoulder.

“She was obsessed with that willow tree,” he says, looking over his shoulder at it.

I admire it as well. “It is very beautiful.” Storm catches my eye and smiles, making me feel so much better about the letter I read. Frank glances at Storm, then looks at me and nods, folding the letter and placing it back in the envelope. “Um, do I remind you of her at all?”

“You do. I didn’t notice it at first but seeing you the last few days has shown me how much you do look like her. You even have her dimples—except for the eyes. You and Lloyd have my eyes.” He grins. “You wrinkle your nose just like she used to do when something stupid was said. And it’s the weirdest thing, but she used to add extra lemons to her iced tea, too.”

I look at my glass of iced tea with the melting ice and an absurd amount of lemons. Frank’s doesn’t have any lemons. I remember my mom laughing at me for my love of lemons growing up. When everyone used to make a sour face, I ate lemons as if it’s just an orange.

“I love lemons,” I say, wiping the condensation from the glass.

“All she craved were lemons while she was pregnant,” he expresses with a laugh. “I don’t know how she used to do it. She’d eat a lemon cut in half with a little sprinkle of sugar. She’d laugh at me whenever I tried to eat a lemon. She always laughed at me; I think it was her favorite thing to do. She was a prankster. If I wasn’t on guard, I’d get the silliest pranks pulled on me. Her personal favorite was taping plastic wrap on a closed door so that when I’d open it, I’d walk right into the plastic. It’s happened—I don’t even know how many times, and every time she’d laugh harder than the last. She was really funny. A lot funnier than Stevie, but don’t tell her that.”

He grins, looking down at a photo of Bobbie-Jean. “Gosh, Bobbie and I were young and stupid. But we were in love. I had her to myself for four years before she died. All she wanted to do in life was have a baby and change the world. She wanted that for you. To change the world. She always said it. She also always said that we’d move out of this place, so long as that willow tree came with us. I never left because I couldn’t leave that tree behind.”

Frank looks back at the tree again, smiling as if he can see Bobbie sitting right under it with her knees at her chest like the photo that’s still in his hands. My birth mother and I are the same person. I don’t need to meet her because I am her.

I chuckle softly. “I’ve never met her and I feel like you’ve been talking about me this whole time.”

He laughs. Our laugh is the same, except his is much deeper. “I feel like I’ve been talking with Bobbie this whole time.”

“Sorry I took so long to come find you,” I say, tonguing my cheek.

He takes my hand again. “I’m the one who should apologize. I should have come to find you—no, I should never have given you up.”

I squeeze his hand. “Don’t regret that. I’m happy. My parents did well.”

“Promise me this isn’t the last time I’ll see you.”

“Once I’m settled into my job and my place next week, I’ll be sure to visit as often as I can.” I mean every word of it. This town has become a part of me.

“I’ve never been to New York,” he says, studying my face.

A smile touches my lips. “You’re more than welcome to visit as well.”

“Good. Good.” He nods, letting go of my hand and packing the photos away. “I still can’t believe how much you look like her.”

I tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, and nod at his comment. It’s so true, though. Her supple lips, her red flaming hair, those freckles that only touch my shoulders, and the way she parted her hair before she got bangs. It would have been such a treat to meet her and see myself in a whole new light.

“Can I carve my initials on the tree?” I ask, gazing at it. “It’s my way of saying I finally came home.”

“I’d like that,” he agrees, lifting the box. “Let me put this away and we’ll do it together.”

I rise and take my iced tea with me, joining Storm and Lloyd who are sunbathing on the bright green grass as Heath runs around them with the dog.

It’s quiet; insects trill, the wind whistles, and birds swoosh down before they perch in trees and chirp. It’s different here than in the big city. An adjustment for anyone, that’s for sure.

Although New York is my scene…the rowdiness, the busy streets, the honking. This will be my break away from the chaos. A breather if you will. My second home.

Storm’s on his phone, refreshing his emails. “Want some?” I ask Storm and sit beside him.

Lloyd fake gags. “You got too many lemons in that.”

I gasp sarcastically. “I love lemons.”

Storm sits up and takes my glass, draining more than half of what’s left. “Me, too.”

Lloyd nudges Storm. “It’s funny seeing you two together. Everyone joked about you banging her, but Rick said it best, you’ll be whipped before she leaves.”

“I’m smitten,” Storm admits.

Lloyd grins, looking at me with one eye open. “I’ll kick his ass if he ever hurts you.”

“Like to see you try, big guy.” Storm laughs, getting up and taking my hand.

I puff out my bottom lip, tapping Lloyd’s side as I take Storm’s hand. “Aww, look at my little brother protecting me.”

Storm pulls me to my feet. “I’d never hurt you, ever. Now c’mon, let’s go for a walk.”

I giggle, finishing the rest of the iced tea and leaving the glass with Lloyd. “You’re a fool.”

Storm holds my hand as we walk to the willow tree. It is beautiful under it; even the temperature gets a few degrees cooler. I’m at peace as the wind dances between the branches of the tree. I feel the embrace of the willow take hold when I look up, removing all my stresses and worries. I understand why Bobbie was obsessed with this tree. It’s releasing.

Storm tilts my chin to him and kisses me. “You doing all right?”

“Yeah, it was nice seeing pictures of her,” I start, then laugh. “My birth mom was a fox.”

He laughs, too. “Oh, yeah?”

“Mm, and I look just like her. It’s weird seeing where I came from, though.” I take a soft breath. I don’t want to express how I’m really feeling because I’m not entirely sure what’s going through my head yet.

“My birth mom is scattered here. Did you know that? Frank spread her ashes right here.”

Storm nods. “I did.”

I take a shaky breath, trying not to cry. I wonder how much he knows about my birth mother, and how much he doesn’t. I hope he knows stories that Frank and Stevie haven’t told me yet, I hope he knows how loved I was. I hope he knows that coming here means so much to me, and not just because I met my birth father. But because of him, too.

“I’m happy I came.”

“I’m happier that you did. If you didn’t, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Don’t say that,” I whisper.

“It’s true,” he says, kissing me delicately.

I don’t know what he means by this. I open my mouth to speak but snap it shut when Frank approaches.

“Auden?” Frank interrupts us.

I see a pocket knife in his hand and gulp. I’m about to carve my name in a tree that meant the world to Bobbie-Jean. I’m overcome with emotion and the second tears slip free, Storm wipes my cheek and grins.

“Give us a sec?” I ask Storm.

He doesn’t even hesitate and nods, jogging toward Heath still running around with his dog. Doesn’t this kid ever get tired?

Frank glances back at Storm, sighing. The idea of Storm and I will take some getting used to that’s for sure. “Here, it’s the same knife we used.” Frank holds the knife out to me. The pearl handle glints in the sunlight.

I stare at their initials on the tree and wonder where to put mine. Rather, I wonder what initials to write. CS or AS. I don’t go for either of them. I carve nothing but the letter A and leave it at that. It’s a lot harder to carve into wood than I thought.

I look at my fingers to ensure there are no splinters. “Is that okay?”

“It’s more than okay, Auden,” Frank says, putting his arm around me in a one-arm embrace. “Think your mother can finally rest easy knowing you came home to her.” This makes his voice crack and causes more tears to fall for both of us.

I nod, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Yeah, I think so, too.”

This trip has been insanely bittersweet. I have a family who cares for me. I have a new life.

Now all I have to do is join my current life with this one and everything will feel complete.