26. Auden
I’m in over my head. I know it. I’m sure he knows it, too. But I really like him and I know I shouldn’t. I’m not here long and I don’t expect him to begin anything with me, especially with his track record. But I like him, I like him, I like him!
Even with his flaws, even with his brother being released from prison that has me paranoid as all hell, I accept Storm. I respect him enough to see the wrong he did in life and how deeply he wants to change it. He applied to jobs for us. Proving to me that he wants this to work.
And truthfully, I want it to work, too. I just don’t know how it can.
We will take everything as it comes. One step at a time, just like the steps in AA. This too shall pass. Forgiveness is just out of reach and I’m sure once Denny is released, they’ll be brothers again.
Storm’s lying on his bed with his hands behind his head staring at the open door and smiling once I walk through it fixing my thong. There’s a photo on his dresser that I noticed my first night here and I haven’t stopped staring at it when he was talking to Ross. It’s of a woman with long blonde hair, dark brown eyes, and red lips. He’s kissing her cheek in the photo and it somehow bothers me that he still has it. I don’t know if I should mention anything, but I have to. Dare I say it, I’m jealous.
I walk to his dresser, his eyes following me as I do, and pick up the picture frame. That smile that was on his face is gone.
“Who’s this?” I ask, looking at the photo instead of him.
“My ex.” His voice isn’t playful. It’s stern, unamused.
“Must mean something to you.”
“She did.”
“What happened?”
“I cheated on her.”
Everything else I was building up just came tumbling down. I knew he was a cheater the town’s folk mentioned it a time or two, and I still defended him to so many people. I have a thing against cheaters. I hate them. If you don’t love the person, leave them. Don’t shame them, embarrass them, and hurt them in the worst way. Leave. Don’t be a child. A coward. Just leave.
“Wow,” I say through a breath.
He shakes his head. “I’m an asshole, it’s been established.”
“Yeah, I know. You kissed someone else after screwing me for an entire day,” I shoot back. He scoffs again and looks away from me, tonguing his cheek like he’s holding something in. “Why did you cheat on her?”
“You really wanna know? You’re not gonna judge me like you’re doing right now? Like everyone does because they don’t know the reason I did what I did,” he says through gritted teeth.
“If you can say it to me nicely, then no. I won’t judge you.”
He takes a breath and nods, removing his hands from behind his head and tapping his stomach. It’s crazy how, come five minutes ago, we were laughing and moaning. Look at us now. Will this be what our future is like?
“We were together for almost four years. When I told you I always wore protection, I meant it, except for with her. Once we didn’t use it and once was enough,” he scoffs. “Twins. Can you believe it? We were having twins at twenty-two years old. At least I thought we were.” He takes a shaky breath. “It’s the weirdest sight to see. Your creation on a screen, hearing their little heartbeats, seeing them flutter.” He shifts his attention to the ceiling. “I finished a shift and went to her house to find her doubled over in bed, moaning and groaning. She got an abortion. The babies were eleven weeks old and she killed them. So, I fucked my emotions away until she left me…everyone was on her side because I’m looked at like a douchebag who fucks around. Not like a man who’s broken because his so-called girlfriend killed our babies. I get it, it’s fine. If she wanted an abortion she could have told me. Not drag me to a doctor’s appointment that I paid for to dangle those babies in my face like the bitch that she is…so yeah. I’m an asshole. But I have my reasons.”
I look back at the photo, hiding my tear-filled eyes. The more time I spend with him, he’s becoming more human and less like a rabid dog in need of a dicking. I can’t imagine what that must’ve felt like. He’s clearly still hurting, that’s why he is the way he is. There’s the weight of his brother on his shoulders and the pressure of his babies on his heart. I see him for who he is.
But it doesn’t answer my question as to why he still has a photo of her in his room.
“Do you still love her?” I ask quietly.
“Does it matter?”
“No.” I really want to say yes.
He gets off the bed, takes his cigarettes from the side table, and snatches the photo frame from me with such force it makes me jump. I don’t even have time to react, he’s storming out of his apartment with it. I can’t very well leave; he drove us here. The walk to town is at least forty-five minutes on foot, maybe more. But I really don’t want to be here anymore. Awkwardness has filled the air with sadness and regret. I should go. I have to go. Seven minutes ago, we were laughing and moaning. I had to open my big mouth. I analyze everything. It’s one of my faults.
Storm is opening up to me like crazy today. Does he usually hold in his fears like this, then spill them out when he sees fit?
I collect my things and make my way to the back door, I don’t see him outside or by his Jeep. So, I huff and decide to make the trek anyway.
Walking on the side of the road around here is quite lonely. There’s no one driving by. Only the dense fields and trilling insects. I could never get used to this type of silence. Then again, I like noise but sometimes crowds of people make me anxious. I don’t know if it’s a sobriety thing or not. Maybe crowds make me think of partying. I don’t know how I’m going to do it moving to New York City this year. It’s known as the city that never sleeps.
A bird lands in the middle of the street and hops before picking at the ground. There’s nothing there, but it still picks at it. I don’t know why I find it so fascinating. The simplicity of having nothing to do other than fly. It seems freeing to have no responsibilities, no life. Just living in the moment. I’d love to live in the moment instead of constantly worrying about the future. Simplicity. I need more simplicity in my life.
“Hey!” Storm yells, pulling his Jeep beside me. “What’re you doing?”
“Going back to the BnB,” I say, letting out a breath.
He scoffs. “Why?”
“You seemed upset and it’s not like we’re in a relationship and I have to make sure you’re okay.” Why the fuck did I just say that? “We’ll see each other later.”
He lets out an exasperated laugh and speeds off toward town, leaving dust clouds in the gravel as he does. Well, there goes the ending of my happiest few days. The end of the week can’t come soon enough.
***
The walk to town is a lot longer than I thought. I’m sweating like crazy, my dress is sticking to me, I’m uncomfortable, and what adds the icing on the cake, Storm is leaking out of me. I can finally see the town up ahead and a sigh leaves me. I just want to take a cold shower, then faceplant on the bed.
I see Storm’s Jeep parked near the café and roll my eyes. I hate how much I like him and I hate that I care so much. But I didn’t come here to play nice with anyone. I came here to meet my birth father and see where I came from. Which I did. Maybe my time here is up.
The BnB is quiet today. Stacy isn’t in the front room and Desire isn’t baking in the kitchen. It’s just me, and I love it.
I open my bedroom door to pink flower petals scattered on the floor. They’re leading to the washroom and the bed, where a box of chocolates rests with a bouquet of sunflowers and the remainder of the pink roses. Storm is leaning on the railing of the balcony smoking a cigarette. It’s sweet, I’ll give him that, but I’m in no mood for anything of the sort right now.
I get into the washroom and lose my clothes. I’m in desperate need of a shower.
Storm has his moments of being a great guy, he’s gentle when he wants to be, generous and kind, but stupid. Oh, he’s so stupid when it comes to women. I don’t blame him in the slightest. He’s been labeled all his life as this player. And over time, he became like everyone thought he was. He’s everything but the person I thought he was.
The water falls on me and instant relief spreads over my skin. I’m not uncomfortable anymore. I’m not sweating profusely. I’m relaxing and that’s all I needed. I moment to breathe.
“People think the worst of me so I don’t give them a reason to think the best of me,” Storm says, leaning on the doorframe of the washroom and watching me shower. I gasp, putting a hand on my chest. “I—well, shoot me down if you don’t like this—but I wanna be better. With you, I know I’ll be my best…help me be my best.”
“We’re from two different worlds—”
“Don’t,” he interrupts and shakes his head. “I’m not asking to be with you forever. I’m asking you to be with me until we can’t be.”
“Until Friday?” I say, tonguing my molars.
“Until Friday.”
Shames paints his handsome face. I don’t think he likes me knowing the truth. I wonder how many people do. If anyone does. This beautiful man before me has been hurt and people seem to sweep it under the rug because of his wicked ways. Just like I’m doing. I’m judging him for an act he did out of vengeance. For his babies.
I nod. “Okay.”
He laughs, trying to bring us back to being us. “Even though I know you won’t last without my dick.”
We argue and makeup as easy as it was for us to get together. Why is everything so easy with him?
“I’ve managed all these years just fine, haven’t I?” I tease. He gets undressed and joins me in the shower, holding me. “Can I admit something to you?”
Don’t do this.
He kisses my head and rest his cheek on it. “Shoot.”
You’ll regret it.
“I came here to meet my birth father and ended up really liking a guy and he just admitted we won’t have a future together,” I say, listening to his heart speed up.
He shakes his head. “I’m complicated.”
“I am, too.”
“I wanna be with you—”
“No, you don’t and it’s okay,” I interrupt. “Let’s just have our fun. No strings attached.”
“I wouldn’t cheat on you.” He lifts his head. “Leah went behind my back and killed our babies. I did that to spite her, not because I wanted to do it.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I say, stepping away from him.
He holds my shoulders and stares deep into the eyes. “I want you to hear it because I’m not a bad guy. Leah hurt me so much that she made me a bad guy. I wasn’t a whore before her. She was only my second girlfriend believe it or not. She ruined me. I almost—everything since her has been downhill until you walked into Creed’s. When I saw your face, something in me awoke and I knew I had to change.” His hands are cradling my head now. “You make me want to change.”
“Why do you still have her picture?”
“Because I still love her,” he admits. Shit, I did not want to hear that.
“Then you should go love her. Time heals all wounds. Stop wasting your time with me and fix what broke,” I tell him.
“The engagement party we’re hosting tonight is hers.” He shrugs a shoulder. “She aborted the babies because I wasn’t good enough. I had no drive or ambition to get outta this town and get a real job or go to school. She moved on with her life and made something of herself. I’m stuck here in this shit hole because I did nothing. People talk about me behind my back because I sleep around. They think I cheated on her because I’m a whore. She killed my babies because she’s a fucking cunt!”
If he still loves her, why is his face pinched in hatred?
I’m all for my body, my choice. But if the father is involved, have the common decency to inform him of your decision to terminate a pregnancy. I guess people don’t know this side of Storm’s story. The truth. They just see the bad in him, not the pain. As guilty as I feel for judging him, she’s right. There was no future with Storm. Someone who lives and breathes this town and its local drunks.
How does his future include me in it if he’s still hung up on the past?
I sniff, holding his gaze as his eyes flickers between mine and my lips. I’m so confused. I’m so lost. And yet I’m so grounded, I don’t want to let him go but I also do. How can I feel this way after such a short amount of time?
“You know why I call you my angel?”
“I don’t want to know,” I whisper.
“I was gonna end it all the night we met. I was tired of the hurt and tired of everyone thinking the worst of me. Then you came into the bar, and you smiled at me. That smile was enough to keep me around long enough to get to know you and want to be better. You make me better,” he explains, even though I didn’t want to hear it. “That’s why I applied to jobs in New York. That’s why I want to start my life over. You, Auden. It’s all you.”
I can’t help it; I have a hand clasped on my mouth and tears are welling in my eyes. He was going to kill himself? Because of everyone? Oh, God. I feel like I’m going to pass out.
Then I remember the pills and tequila in his washroom the first time I used it.
I saw the proof. The truth.
I judged him like everyone does, I’m one of the reasons he hates himself.
I wrap my arms around him and squeeze. I squeeze so tight he winces, I don’t care. He can’t go. No matter what the future holds, he’s too good of a person to leave.
This is why I’m becoming a therapist. To help those no one sees.
“Why did you tell me?” I whisper.
“Because you saved me,” he whispers back.
Our lips meet, this time it isn’t out of want. It’s out of need. I need him right now. I need him to know how much he’s needed. How much he’s loved.
“Tell me the truth, do you still love her?”
“No.”
“Why did you say you did?”
“I still have love for those babies she killed.” He breathes me in. “I wanted to know if you felt the same way I do about you.”
“I felt it since the night we met.”
“I felt it, too.”
He lifts me and makes love to me against the wall of the shower, letting our pleasurable screams echo through the quiet home. We make love for the first time, screwing all our emotions away until we can no longer do this anymore.