40. Auden
The drive home was so much harder than it should have been. I should have been elated to leave and come home to start the newest chapter of my life. But no, I cried most of the drive and cursed whoever made our paths cross. I imagined walking into the bar and not meeting him, just sitting there until I got a hold of someone or until they kicked me out. I imagined never leaving the car and sleeping in it until the morning came. I imagined meeting Storm for the first time at Frank’s and him not affecting me other than his striking beauty. But that’s not how it went, was it?
I approach Sean’s bungalow; the grass is disheveled and needs a good mow. But that’s Sean, he cares more about his appearance than the place he lives. The number of times I’ve had to come over and clean is ridiculous. But this place is home.
I fix the strap of my tank top, knocking on Sean’s door. I probably look like shit. I’ve been crying for hours, sitting in a car that has no AC, and my hair hasn’t been styled today. But I made it home in record time, it’s almost two o’clock and the rehearsals aren’t until six.
Sean opens the door and frowns, giving me a once-over. “You look like hell.”
I shake my head, releasing a breath as tears blur my vision. “I don’t want to hear it, please.”
“What happened?” He steps forward, pulling me into an embrace as I release sobs onto his chest. “C’mon, kid, talk to me.”
“He didn’t come with me.” My voice is muffled against his hairy chest, tears soaking into it. “I wouldn’t let him because of his nephew.”
“It’ll be okay, kid. You guys barely knew each other anyway, how was this ever going to work without a thought out plan, y’know?”
I close my eyes, sniffling and resting my ear on his chest. “It’s hard to explain, but he was so different from any other guy.”
He holds my head in his hands, tilting it up to face him. “He was your missing piece.”
“Yep.” I clear my throat. “But, um, it’s okay. Y’know, I’m sure there’s another missing piece out there for me.”
Sean gives me a lopsided grin and pulls me into his seafoam green painted house, leading us to his couch we made love on a few days before I left. “I’m here for you, Char. And if you need me to go out there and drag him here, I will do it.”
A soft chuckle leaves me. “No, you’re right. We barely knew each other so it shouldn’t matter this much. He’ll go back to his ways, and I’ll just stay in mine. It’s what had to be done to keep everyone happy.”
Sean raises his eyebrows. “You think he’s happy?” I shrug, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Because if I were in his shoes, I’m sure he’s just as miserable as you are right now.”
Fuck, I need a drink.
“Maybe.”
We sit in silence for a little while, taking in the sadness that spilling out of me. But he doesn’t say anything as I cry. He doesn’t tell me it’s okay anymore or it’ll get better. He strokes my head, dragging his fingers up and down my arms, and holds me. Exactly what I needed.
He leaves a kiss on my head and gets up. “Come, I’ll make you a coffee, you can take a shower and I’ll do your nails for old time’s sake.” He sticks his tongue out, making me laugh.
The only thing I can do to keep my mind occupied is keep busy. I knew it was a bad decision the moment I left his apartment and he didn’t look back. I hated myself for not fighting more. But what was I to do? He has a life I don’t fit into, someone who loves him so much that I know would be deeply hurt if he left. It’s better this way. It has to be better this way.
***
Sean’s bedroom is a midnight blue, so dark it’s almost black. But I’ve always felt at home in his room. It’s the place we lost our innocence, the room I escaped to when I needed a hug, and the place I went to when my dad was shot. This room holds so many happy and miserable memories for me, it’s kind of fitting that I’m here on the verge of tears again with my heart ripped apart.
I smooth out the blue dress, turning in the standup mirror to see the back of it. I look beautiful, something I know Storm would’ve torn off of me the moment we got back from rehearsals so he could ravish me against whatever piece of furniture was closest to us. But I have to stop thinking about him. I’m forcing him out of my life so much I turned my phone off as soon as I called my parents to tell them I arrived home in one piece.
Sean whistles, opening his bedroom door and leaning on the doorframe. He isn’t wearing the suit he showed me on FaceTime. He’s wearing a black suit with a royal blue bowtie to match my blue dress. Yes, we planned out our outfits since he was supposed to be my date for this wedding. I guess, in the end, he still is. “Look at you.”
I narrow my eyes and slide my feet into a pair of silver heels. “Shut up.”
“What? I can’t admire my best friend?” He smirks, pushing off the wall as I walk by him and head to the washroom to fix my makeup. “Sexy best friend with an ass for days in this dress.”
I take my eyeliner from the vanity and toss it at him as he follows me to the washroom. “No, you’re not allowed to compliment me. Why, you ask? Because tonight is rehearsals and tomorrow is the wedding. And you, Mister Sean, are going to get wasted at one of them and expect me to have rebound sex with you. Albeit, we probably will, but not now. I need some time to try and get over him because—” I pause, tears welling in my eyes again. “Shit.”
Sean sighs, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my neck. “Because you love him, don’t you?”
“Is it too soon to love someone?”
He shrugs. “The heart wants what it wants, kid.” He leans his chin on my head and chuckles. “Man, your eyes get so blue when you cry.”
I smack his arm and chuckle. “Shut up.”
He laughs, handing me the eyeliner. “You clean up good, Char. Now let’s go to this dinner that we have to do all over again tomorrow and also sit through an hour of church.”
I roll my eyes, fixing my makeup quickly, catching the necklace Storm gave me glinting around my neck. How am I ever going to forget about him? He stole my heart and doesn’t even know it.
I sputter, looking at the phone in my lap as we reverse out of Sean’s driveway. I haven’t turned it on yet. I don’t know that I can. But I should in case one of my parents calls me. Sean turns up the music and puts his hand out to me, wigging his fingers.
“In your dreams, Sean.”
He pouts, leaving his arm hanging off the compartment between us. “I miss you, Char.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I swat my hand in the air and turn on my phone.
Three new text messages, two missed calls, and an abundance of emails.
The calls were from my mom, but I texted her that my phone was off and that everything is fine.
The texts are from Storm. My heart seizes, looking at the screen with the little blue circle beside his name. I don’t want to open them, but I have to. If not, this pain will eat away at me all damn night. Goddammit, I need a drink.
STORM: Auden, you have no idea how much you mean to me. We can make this work, babe. I know we can. Put your trust in me and I’ll come up with a plan. I’m not letting you go. I can’t.
STORM: “Too many things are left unsaid with such little time to say them.” Well, I’m saying them when we see each other again. Because we will. I’m yours, Auden. Forever.
STORM: I guess I’ll take you not replying to me as your answer. I care for you more than I’ll ever admit. One day, we will see each other again. Until then, honey, I’ll stay stoned on your love all the time.
Well, shit, here they come again. I blink back more tears, releasing a few deep breaths. “Fuck,” I mutter under my breath. “I need a fucking drink.”
“Char, you went three years without one and you’ve gone through hell and back, you don’t need to drink over a boy,” Sean says, putting his hand on my phone and locking it. “I’m keeping this for the night. There will be no late-night texts to him or any texts for that matter. You will hurt for a little while, but things will get easier once your life is in place. Remember, broken hearts always heal.”
I groan, dropping my head back as we pull up to the venue for the rehearsal dinner. “Fuck, okay, I can do this. I can force a smile around a bunch of people for a few hours without going to the open bar for a drink. Yep, I can do this.” I release a breath, gripping the hem of my dress. “I can do this.”
Sean places a hand on mine and breathes with me. “You can do this, kid. And I’ll be right there with you if you have a craving and need to leave, okay? Give me a sign like a wink or flash me your tits, y’know. Something subtle like that.”
I let out a laugh, looking at him with arched brows. “Yes, because flashing you my tits is subtle.”
His eyes scroll over me, landing on my breasts. I’m not wearing a bra and it’s really cold tonight. “I can practically see them through this dress, so yes, flashing me them will really be the only signal I can get on board with.”
I cover my breasts. “Shut up, you fool.”
“You love me,” he says, kissing my cheek as he gets out of the truck.
“Not by choice,” I yell back, shaking my head as I sit in the silence of his truck.
I can do this. I can last an entire life away from Storm. I can last a lifetime without him. No, I can’t do this. I need a goddamn drink and I need it right fucking now.
***
The rehearsal dinner is as expected. Half of the people don’t show up, most of them leave by the time dessert is served, and Millie is whining about the fact that they messed up the order of when the food is served. Sean and I sit and eat in silence, letting her have a hissy fit. The temptation to drink has been high tonight. My mouth waters every time one of the serves comes around and fills everyone’s glass with wine, but mine.
The thought of drinking again is eating away at me. Slowly cutting me open and the only cure is to chug down a bottle of vodka.
No one has mentioned my trip yet, I’m kind of happy about that. I don’t want to talk about it as much as I don’t want to reminisce on my days with Storm. Any talk about him and I’ll break down again.
Then it happens, the worst fucking thing in the history of shitty things. “Tennesse Whiskey” comes through the speakers, bringing me right back to that bar on that rainy night. My heart cramps up, sending a tingle of unease through my stomach. I barely touched the food tonight, so drinking is not a good idea. Yet when the tears well in my eyes and I blink them away quickly, having a stiff drink is the only thing I can think about.
Sean takes my wrist, seeing the wetness in my eyes. “Where’re you going?”
“I just need some air,” I say taking my hand out of his grip.
“Here.” He gulps back his wine. “I’ll come with you.”
I shake my head. “Finish eating, come get me in like ten minutes.”
Ten minutes is more than enough time to get wasted if I drink enough.
With a forced smile, I head for the bar and let the tears fall as I maneuver through a few people mingling. My heart is thudding violently in my chest. I didn’t drink for three years. Three entire years without a drop of the stuff. But right now, I need something strong to wipe Storm from my thoughts.
A bartender smiles at me, eyeing the tears in my eyes. “What can I get you?”
“A coke, please,” I say, letting my willpower speak for me.
He prepares it quickly, places the drink in front of me, and walks off. A simple soda with nothing in it, no rum, no vodka, nothing.
I lift the soda to my lips and sip it, starting to walk off when I eye a bottle of vodka just out of reach. Three goddamn years down the drain over a broken heart.
I grab a bottle of vodka as I walk off, leaving the venue to get away from that fucking song.
My hands are shaking, more tears rising as I exit through the back door and find a bench. There are a few people outside, none that I would know. Except for Ryan. He nods at me, eyeing the bottle of vodka. But I try to hide it, failing miserably, and I lift the glass of soda to him. He says something to his friends before going back inside as I turn the corner. I find another bench and sit down, sighing as I look out at the dimly lit parking lot.
My heart’s beating with a mixture of excitement and fear. This shouldn’t be the reason I relapse. Storm should be the reason my trip was spectacular. But he isn’t. He’s the reason I’m down. He’s the reason I’m holding this bottle. He’s the reason I refuse to ever love again for the rest of my days. Without him, life is meaningless.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
I do it.
I twist the cap off the bottle and bring it to my lips. The stinging smell of it burns my nostrils, but I don’t care anymore. I want nothing more than to chug as much as I can and forget the hurt deep inside me.
I take the first swig, my throat burns, my stomach churns, and I take another, then another, chasing it down with the soda. Three fucking years tossed out for a boy who I wasn’t even sure loved me. He was willing to uproot his life and come to New York to better himself. But would we work here? Would our relationship last in reality and not the getaway we had all week?
I take another swig, chugging two big gulps, and release a heavy breath.
I feel alive again. A wonderful feeling as my body relaxes and my mind shuts off. Dizziness is starting to take hold and when I go to stand up to get more soda, I stagger slightly. Oh, how I missed this.
I’m alone outside, looking around to see nothing but parked cars and the last remaining smells of put-out cigarettes. That just brings Storm back. His incessant need to always light one up after we had an intense go. Or whenever we got into his Jeep. Gosh, what I wouldn’t give to have him in my arms again.
Here they come again, more tears. I bring the bottle to my lips as the backdoor swings open and Sean steps out, wide-eyed. “Charlotte? What the fuck are you doing?”
I hold the bottle out to him, seeing that I might’ve drank half of it, maybe less. “I was thirsty.”
He runs a hand down his face and takes the bottle from me, tossing it at the wall. It shatters, sending glass and vodka all over the place. “You relapsed over a fucking guy? Are you fucking crazy?” he yells, huffing out a breath. “Fuck, kid. This—” He pauses, taking me in. I can barely see straight. There are two of him, no, maybe three. I’m still thirsty, and I can’t stand up anymore.
My knees give out and Sean catches me, lifting me in his arms as he growls in frustration. “I’ll take you home.”
I lean my head on his shoulder, the dizziness consuming me. “I left my home in Campbellton.”
A sigh leaves him and I pass out before we make it to his truck. Something I know he won’t let me get away with come morning.