61. Auden
What in the fuck was that?
I came home early to see him, figured we could use an afternoon for just the two of us. But when I walked in and saw all the undone chores he swore he’d get to for the last two days, I just snapped. He’s been off lately, I’ve noticed it, but I’ve been stressed with work. All the new clients that have fallen onto my lap are overwhelming. And today has been the most overwhelming day of the week because my client is a young girl who was adopted like me. I put my all into our appointments to help her and show her that I understand everything she’s going through. I’ve lived it, too. Missing all the warning signs at home that my fiancé is spiraling.
I walk into the building and go to Sean’s office, he’s hunched over his desk eating a bowl of noodles and watching a reel on his phone when I walk in and begin sobbing, leaning on the door behind me.
He slurps the noodles and rises, wiping his mouth on his tie. “Kid? What the fuck? What’s going on?”
I drop my head on his chest, inhaling his pungent cologne that’s mixed with the spicy noodles. It’s making me nauseous. “Why did I rush into things? I was good, wasn’t I? I was kind of happy, lonely but that’s what you were for…now, I’m suffocating. He’s…he’s…shit, he’s fallen back into his depression. Back to the way he wasn’t before I saved him. What if he regrets us?” I sniff, looking up at Sean. “He said I dragged him here…he said he doesn’t want me—” I sob, dropping my head in my hands as Sean pulls me to his chest. “I tossed the ring at him,” I whisper.
Sean leaves a kiss on my head and smooths out my hair. “Couples argue, kid. This is normal.”
“I need stability, Sean. Someone who has drive and wants to build a life with me. Storm doesn’t have any of that. He made me believe he did when he found that job he worked at for two and a half weeks, then he stopped caring. He gave up on himself and…maybe I gave up on us, too.” I slump onto Sean’s desk chair and shake my head, connecting all the missing pieces I had no idea had fallen apart. “I’m so focused on succeeding I didn’t see him crumbling. How could I have missed that?”
Sean crouches in front of me, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Because he’s your fiancé, the last person you want to psychoanalyze. It hits too close to home if you do.” My eyebrows furrow, finding Sean’s eyes. “It’s not his fault, kid. Take a breather but go home and talk this out.” He nudges my chin, smiling softly. “Maybe we’ll lessen your workload, too. Give you and Storm some time together—”
“No, I don’t want to cancel on my clients. I just started, Sean. It wouldn’t be fair to them or to my chances at being a permanent therapist here,” I interrupt him. “I can’t—gosh, how can I have missed the signs?”
Sean takes my hands, letting me sit there and marinate in the idea that I put my career before my fiancé. Everything I do in life has always been well thought out, planned. Storm is the only factor in it that never was. I’ll never regret my time with him, I’ll never say our love story is rushed. No, it’s unique, It’s my favorite. I have to put him before my career now more than ever.
“I love him so much, Sean.” I wince, squeezing my eyes shut. “But I need that stability and he doesn’t have that. He has no drive to do anything anymore.”
He kisses my knuckles. “I know, kid.” His thumb grazes my wrist. “Maybe you’re overworking yourself. You do come out with us after work almost every day of the week. Missing little signs like that is easy when you’re not around.”
“I want everyone to like me,” I whisper, sniffling and looking off at a picture of Sean and me on his desk from when we were sixteen. I cover my face, releasing more tears. “I can’t believe I walked out on him when he’s like this.”
“It’s not his fault.”
I nod, wiping my cheeks. “Can you…would you be his…ugh, how can I say this without him hating me?”
Sean smirks, bopping my nose as he rises and leans on his desk. “I won’t be his therapist, kid, but I’ll be the friend who takes him out and shoots the shit with him. Sometimes that’s all it takes.”
I sniff again and lean back in his chair. “What do I do?”
“Go home. Talk it out. Kiss and make up.” He chuckles, sticking his tongue out. “Now, if you want to make a sex tape, I am not opposed to watching it or filming it.”
I take the chopsticks from his desk and toss them at him. “Shut up.”
“It’ll be okay, kid. You know it will. And you know I’m always here for you.” He leans down to take my hand. “And I’m here for Storm, too. He’s my boy, he knows it.”
I wipe my cheeks again. “Fuck,” I groan, looking at him. “I fucked up, I shouldn’t have walked out.”
“Then go home.” He shrugs. “I’m already covering for you today and I’ll do the appointment alone tomorrow. Go home. Take care of you and your man.”
I get up, wiping my nose on his tie, making him chuckle. “I love your stupid face.”
“I love you, too, kid.”
As much as it bothers Storm that I’m close with my ex, Sean is so much more to me than that. He’s my confidant when I need help, he’s the one to cure my anxiety, an ear to listen.
Yet as I walk out of his office, I’m starting to realize that Storm means so much more to me than Sean does, and sooner or later, it’s okay to let those you cherish go.