Chapter 28
Ibarely wake up even when the car comes to a stop.
It’s not that I’m tired, exactly. But I feel a yawning kind of emptiness gnawing away at me in a way I haven’t felt in years.
I let Amir pull me out of the car, though I murmur my disagreement when he tries to pick me up again.
“I can walk,” I promise, but I let him pull me into the shelter of his arm as he walks me up the familiar sidewalk to Coffee Crest.
Hestia meets us at the door, her hands fluttering, one of them holding a steaming cardboard cup.
“Holy shit, Nell. Are you okay? Cecil called and I just—I was so worried. I knew Amir hadn’t seen you in a few days and…
” She continues to ramble, though her voice stirs something in me that makes me look at her through a new lens.
“You knew.” The words are soft and free of emotion. Just a statement. She pauses, looking between me and Amir, who breaks the silence with a sigh.
“I don’t think coffee is what she needs right now, cousin.”
“Good thing it’s hot chocolate then.” She slips it into my hand and, as if I have the consumption, helps me guide the cup to my lips so I can take a swallow of the chocolate, perfectly sugary liquid topped with marshmallows.
She looks back up at Amir, her eyes narrowed.
“Heyya ‘arfa add eh?” The words make absolutely no sense to me, so I just let them wash over me.
Amir brushes my hair back from my face, his hands slipping over my shoulders protectively. “‘Arfa elli yekaffi. Ma-t’ala’eesh, kollo tamam.”
“If you’re plotting my murder, could you do it in English?” I sigh, leaning back against him. “Because I’m starting to feel really guilty about not being bilingual.”
Amir chuckles and presses his lips to the top of my head. “Little mortician, she was only asking how much you know about everything. And I think you’ve figured it out, haven’t you?”
I don’t even have it in me to be offended or surprised. I look at Hestia, surprised to see her fidgeting nervously, her hands wringing together as if she’s afraid I’m going to lash out. “You know what he did?” I ask under my breath, just to be sure.
“I’ve always known.” She flinches, then adds, “But I never would’ve helped him or talked him up to you if I ever thought he’d hurt you.
And he hasn’t.” She glances up at Amir, like she’s making sure that’s the case.
“I swear, Nell. If he has or he does, I will happily flay him alive. We’ll butcher him if you want. We’ll feed him to his dogs—”
“Hestia,” Amir interrupts with a huff. But she doesn’t stop.
“Also I didn’t help him pick out the outfits or anything. But I did tell him he did a good job. All I did was leave stuff at your door and take the picture of Cecil that one day at your party, and—”
“Hestia,” Amir’s voice gets louder. “Enough. You can do whatever this is later. Maybe I’ll take her upstairs now?” His voice is patient as he drapes his arm over my shoulders, his eyes on his cousin. “If you’re done?” But that’s not a real offer, and Hestia knows it too.
She ducks her head and steps forward, searching my face. “You don’t need a hospital?” she asks quietly. “He texted and said he found you unconscious. I worry—”
“No hospital," I interrupt quickly. “I’d rather be anywhere other than a hospital.” The anxiety in my voice must convince her, because she steps back from me and grips my hand once more before dropping it lightly.
Without warning, Amir sweeps me off my feet, quite literally, apparently having had enough of our conversation. I squawk and nearly spill my hot chocolate, but manage to cradle it to my chest as he carefully maneuvers me through the door in the back and up the stairs.
“You’re pretty good at this carrying bodies thing,” I murmur as he digs in his pocket for my keys that he apparently grabbed from Kindred Pines. “Seems like you’ve had some practice.”
Amir throws me a grin, and then pushes open the door to my apartment before closing it with his boot.
“Only a little. Here.” He sets me down on my feet, taking the cup of hot chocolate from me.
“Go change into something comfortable, Nell. You look dead on your feet, and I want to get you warmed up.”
“That sounds like an innuendo,” I manage to toss over my shoulder lightly, proud of myself for being able to make jokes right now.
Even if they are forced. I grab a pair of comfortable shorts, then a tee out of a different drawer of my dresser, before disappearing into the bathroom to change and stare at myself in the mirror.
God, I look rough. I’ve never been quite this pale before, or like I’m working so hard to cosplay a dying, ephemeral Victorian child. All I need is to wrap my head in a scarf I found in the dumpster and break into “On my Own” from Les Miserables to really sell the part.
But that feels like too much effort today.
Instead, I brush my teeth, feeling like it needs to happen for the second time today after being out in the woods.
The shadows are gone from the edges of my vision, though I don’t know if it’s my exhaustion that has chased the ghosts away, or something else.
Something like Amir.
When I push open the door, I find him on the couch, with my second, bigger television already on. “Two tvs?” he asks without looking up, though he extends a hand to me. “In a studio?”
“I got the smaller one for free,” I explain, heading over to the couch. I take his hand and let him pull me down beside him, his warmth seeping into me through his V-neck tee and jeans.
Fuck, he really is like having my own personal heating unit. In the summer I’m sure I won’t love that, but right now, while I’m running cold like a lizard seeking the heat? It’s perfect.
Without being asked, he flips on Golden Girls, his arm over me, keeping me pulled close while he plays with my hair. But it isn’t enough. Not this time. I fidget, my fingers tugging at the belt loops of his jeans, and before long, I can feel his gaze on me.
With a sigh, I let go, drawing my hands back to myself. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Nell.” He tugs my chin up with his fingers until I’m looking at him. “Tell me what you need.”
“You can’t give me what I need.”
“Try me anyway.”
“I need…” I trail off, thinking about how to phrase it. “I need to not feel like a person right now,” I admit. “I don’t like all these thoughts in my head. I need something to focus on that isn’t some crazy physically intense thing.”
Or getting railed against my headboard.
When I meet his gaze again, I’m surprised to see a bit of a sly smile on his lips. “Is that all?” he asks, like it’s a perfectly reasonable request.
But I’m not following.
Amir cups my jaw and pulls me to sit up straight beside him. “Do you trust me, my little doll?” Despite my current mindset, the pet name makes my nerves light up under my skin, and I give a quick, jerky nod. “Remind me of your safeword.”
“Dissection.” It comes out without me needing to really think about it.
“Good girl. If you can’t use it, you tap against my arm or my thigh, all right? Three taps, just like this.” He taps two fingers against my hand, leaving me bewildered as to why I wouldn’t be able to use my safeword.
Not that I plan on needing it right now. This doesn’t feel the same as the other night. It’s not so charged with frustration and desire like that time was. But I nod in agreement anyway.
“Trust me. Let me give you what you need, all right?” Gently—oh so gently—Amir tugs me down to my knees in front of him. I never look away. Not when he cups my face in his hands, nor when one of his hands moves to unbutton the front of his jeans.
I can’t say this is what I expected, but I also trust him. Amir never rushes as he lifts his hips just enough to wiggle his jeans down to sit lower, giving him the perfect space to free his cock from the confines of his underwear.
The only thing I can think about as I watch him stroke himself is the feeling of him inside me. It makes me shift a little, my thighs tensing, as a familiar ache makes itself known in my stomach.
Finally he lifts me up by my hair, guiding me forward, but when I move to tease the tip of him with my tongue, his hand tightens.
“No,” he tells me with a soft chuckle. “That’s not how this works today.
You’re going to take my cock like a good girl.
You’re going to sit there, with your mouth so warm and wet and perfect, but you will do nothing except sit. Do you understand?”
Not really, but I give him a nod, anyway.
“You will. It isn’t difficult.” There’s a condescending note in his words that makes me shiver.
I like when he speaks to me like this, when he takes control and breaks things down for me.
Not always, but sometimes, like right now, it turns off some of the higher thinking neurons that fire in my brain.
Amir pulls me forward, guiding me by my hair until his cock slips between my lips.
He sighs at that, though he doesn’t stop.
Just continues to pull me down against him until I’m settled comfortably between his thighs, and then urges me with his hand to rest my cheek against him.
I can feel the line of muscle, just a little tense from how this must feel, under my cheek, but I only gaze up at him, waiting.
And waiting.
And fucking waiting.
It’s impossible to focus on anything except the heavy weight of his cock in my mouth.
Impossible to stay waiting for so long while he quite literally ignores me.
The television is changed to something that might be one of the many Law and Order shows, and he picks up his phone from the side table, scrolling through whatever it is he’s looking at.
Like I don’t exist.
When I swallow and shift a little against him, he looks down at me with one sweeping glance. “Enough. I told you to sit there, did I not? So you will sit there until I say otherwise, my little cock warmer.”