Chapter 30
“Let it never be said that Eleanor Collins doesn’t appreciate the finer things in life.”
The mocking voice makes me grin, and I glance up into a face as clear and familiar as my own. Maybe because on many levels, it is mine.
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if that’s why I can always see Elaina so clearly.
And if it’s why she’s always aged with me, instead of staying the same age like all of my other ghosts.
Maybe my brain realizes that I know exactly how she would’ve aged, and works that into the hallucination instead of making me see her dying, twelve-year-old self whenever she appears.
Though she doesn’t appear often.
I smile up at her from the charcoal-colored couch, stretched out along it with Umbra using my legs as her personal bed. Not that I mind. And nor will I move, unless Umbra does first. It’s illegal, inhumane, and just plain wrong.
“Haven’t seen you in a while. At least, not in a way that wasn’t traumatizing,” I tell her, rubbing behind the black dog’s ears. “Did you come to check out his place too?”
“Obviously. Can’t let you be the only one experiencing city life again.” There’s no malice in her voice. No hatred or blame. Only my sister, with the sparkle in her light grey eyes that was always a bit more mischievous than mine. “I miss you.”
“You don’t,” I sigh. “We both know that’s just what I want to hear right now. But it’s okay. I’m willing to believe it.”
“Because you’re happy.”
I don’t argue with her. I look up at the television, falling into a happy silence filled by the laugh track of the Golden Girls and the dogs’ low snorting.
“I am happy,” I admit at last. “I know it’s probably weird. And wrong. You know he’s a murderer. Literally a murderer. I feel like it’s part of my job as a mortician to, like, be upset about that.”
“Or to consider him an asset to your career. He ensures your employment, after all. If you stop to consider supply and demand.” When I turn to look at her, she gives me an impish grin once more.
“That’s dark.”
“But you were thinking it.”
We go silent again, though from the corner of my eye, I can see her settle into the recliner, her attention turned to the large TV mounted on the wall as well. “His bedroom is nice,” she remarks suddenly. “Very masculine. Big, too. I think it might be the size of your entire apartment.”
“You’re so kind to me,” I deadpan. “Thank you for reminding me how much better the risk assessment manager has it compared to the mortuary assistant. But yeah, I like his bedroom a lot. Especially his bed.” I give her a little eyebrow wiggle that makes her cackle, even as my smile fades.
“Don’t say it,” she sighs, her mirth bleeding away as well. “Don’t turn this into something it doesn’t have to be, Nell.”
But my heart is sinking, and I can feel the sting of guilt and remorse and sadness bleeding into my veins. “God, I miss you. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I got to grow up and you didn’t.”
“I suppose you also think it’s not fair that you got to spend years in a psych ward playing Rummy with old people, getting shots in your ass whenever you’d panic, but I had to miss out on that.” Her words are flat, deadpan, and honestly?
On target.
I giggle. Even when I slap my hand to my mouth, I can’t stop the almost hysterical giggling. It occurs to me, not for the first, second, or third time, that I am really, really unwell.
Unwell enough that when the door opens and both dogs launch off my lap to greet their owner at the door, I don’t look away from her, nor do I hide my amusement as my snickers die down.
“Are you watching Golden Girls again?” Amir strides into the room to kiss my head, his shoes already off as he shrugs out of his jacket. He sets a coffee down on the table beside me without making a sound, and Umbra jumps right back up to her spot on my legs.
“No. Well, yeah. But that’s not why I’m laughing.”
Elaina lets out a swooning sigh and gazes up at Amir.
“God, I can’t get over how hot he is,” she tells me wistfully.
“Look at that. Literal epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. You scored with this. Though it would’ve maybe been cool if you found someone who isn’t a murderer.
” She pauses, and from the corner of my eye, I watch her reconsider.
“No, you know what? That’s pretty on brand for you as well. ”
I don’t even try to hide the smile that touches my lips, and when I look back up at Amir, he glances around the room in understanding.
“You have a visitor.” There isn’t any scorn or worry in his voice.
Only pure curiosity as he asks, “Who is it? The woman from last week’s car accident?
I know you couldn’t shake her for a few days. ”
“Look at him. He’s so supportive. Just Mr. Dreamboat.” Elaina swoons in her seat. “Though therapists might really disagree with his methods here, I gotta tell you—”
“Elaina.” Both my sister’s ghost and my boyfriend look at me when I say her name. “She’s here. It’s been nice.”
“Oh?” Amir blinks and studies my face, reasonably worried that I am not well. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. I mean it. It’s been good.” I glance over at my sister’s ghost, who offers me a warm smile. “I haven’t seen her in a nice way like this in…in a really long time. Too long.”
I want more of this. I want more of both of them—of Amir’s softness, and of Elaina not appearing as a bad omen or a reminder of my trauma.
“Has she said anything about me?” He shoos Umbra off my legs and lifts them up to sit, then rests my calves back across his legs.
“Oh, absolutely,” I assure him. “That’s pretty much all we’ve been talking about, actually.”
“I could keep talking about him,” Elaina offers from the recliner. “Really, he’s worth about a week of conversation dedicated to him alone.”
“She likes you,” I promise, but don't remind him that her opinion is just a reflection of my feelings. He already knows. “She likes your apartment, too. I think she’s going to start petitioning me to move in here.” The joke is off my tongue before I can think that it’s maybe too soon, but Amir’s smile widens.
“Then she and I agree on something,” he murmurs, leaning closer to me as he tugs my legs more comfortably over his lap. “I also think you should move in here.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Elaina leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees, fixated on us like we’re her favorite afternoon drama. “Come on. Kiss. It’s very Hallmark of you both.”
“Really,” Amir echoes, unknowingly sounding like he’s agreeing with Elaina. “I love you, Nell.” The words send my heart into a fit of fluttering, and I reach out to twine my fingers with his where it rests against my thigh.
“I love you and your ghosts. And I intend to keep you all.”
“Until we’re ghosts ourselves?” I whisper.
“Until we are ghosts ourselves.”