15. Seeking Advice
15
SEEKING ADVICE
T uesday after the camping trip, Summer felt her anxiety build once more. Brandon had called or texted every day since they returned home, and she knew her feelings for him were well on the way to love again. It was easy, especially since she’d never stopped loving him. Her old dreams of what their life together could be like resurfaced and took over every moment she wasn’t concentrating on work. Unfortunately, there was lots of time on kayak and bike trips to get tangled in her thoughts.
“You’ve been home almost two months,” Griff spoke from the passenger seat of her car. “Don’t you think it’s time to come up with a real plan for your life? Are you going to be a tour guide forever?”
She sighed. “No. That’s not what I want, but it is probably what I needed this summer.”
“Well, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m good with engines. Maybe I can get a job at an auto shop?”
Griff laughed. “You are good with engines, but I remember how much you complained whenever you had to get your hands dirty working on them. I veto that idea.”
“You don’t get to decide.” Summer tried to sound stern, but she was trying not to smile. She had hated the way the grease and oil stained her fingernails. “All I know is the Army. If you know me so well, what should I do?”
“You are great at organizing things. Think about it. You were in logistics and successfully carried out the processes of generating, transporting, and allocating materials and personnel. Did you enjoy that?”
She thought about it for a minute. “Yeah. I liked taking chaos and creating order. There was a satisfaction in knowing everything was in its place or arriving when and where it was needed.”
“So, find a career that lets you do that.”
“Huh. Maybe you do know me better than I thought.”
Griff pointed at her and smiled. “Don’t you forget it. Now, how about that other thing you’ve been avoiding?”
“Soon. Maybe I’ll ask everyone at group for ideas on broaching the topic with Brandon.” Summer was currently driving to Burlington for another group therapy session.
“You just start talking. It isn’t that hard.”
“Says a man who doesn’t have to tell the love of his life that someone hurt him in the worst way possible,” she scoffed.
“I’m sorry, Summer. I know this won’t be easy, but your life will be on track again once you get past it.”
Summer glanced at him as she pulled into the parking lot. “And you’ll be able to move on?”
“Hopefully.”
Heartache sliced through Summer’s chest. After a few deep breaths, she smiled and teased, “You tired of me already?”
“Nah,” he whispered. “But I feel stretched thin, almost like something is tearing me apart. I don’t think we’re meant to stay on earth after we die.”
That was a sobering thought. He was trapped here because she needed him. Summer decided right then and there that she would try harder. For Griff’s sake, if not her own.
A few minutes later, she sat in the familiar circle of chairs. The supportive presence of her fellow veterans provided a comforting backdrop. She listened as the others chatted among themselves as they waited for Fiona Carter to start the official part of the meeting. The woman was currently fussing over the items on the snack table.
“She tries so hard,” James said as he sat beside Summer. “Your friend is still with you.”
“Yeah. It’s getting harder for him.”
James nodded. “What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m trying. Tonight, I’m seeking more advice on something big.” Summer sighed. “I hate not trusting myself.”
James awkwardly patted her hand as it sat on her leg. “You’ll get there.”
“How do you know?” Summer raised a brow.
“You still have a lot of light in you.”
Before she could say anything else, Fiona greeted everyone. “Good evening. I’m glad to see all of you tonight. Remember, this is our safe place. There will be no judgment. More importantly, we are here to support each other. Who would like to go first?”
James nudged Summer’s shoulder. She shot him a daggered look and shook her head to let him know she wasn’t ready yet.
Fiona noticed the exchange and gave her an encouraging nod. "Summer, is there something on your mind that you'd like to share with the group today?"
Summer took a deep breath, her fingers nervously twisting the edge of her t-shirt into knots. She looked around at the faces of her comrades, finding strength in their understanding gazes. "There is," she said, her voice trembling slightly. "I need your advice on something personal."
The group members leaned in, their expressions supportive and attentive. Summer felt a wave of gratitude for this space where she could be vulnerable.
“You can do it, Summer,” Griff whispered.
“Something happened before I joined the Army. It’s why I joined,” Summer continued. “Until recently, no one knew about it, but after my accident, I told my parents. It was hard. Now, I need to tell someone else. ”
The room felt too hot. Summer took a deep breath and closed her eyes, seeking strength and the right words. If she couldn’t talk about this in front of this supportive group, how would she ever say it in front of Brandon?
“Who do you need to tell,” Fiona prompted. “And why is this person important?”
“He’s…he was everything to me before. I think he still is, but when he knows…” Summer’s voice trembled as it trailed off.
Marie reached over Dave, who sat between her and Summer, and grabbed one of her hands. Her voice was soft, quiet, and almost watery as she asked, “Is this secret about someone hurting you?”
“Yes,” Summer answered.
Maria stood, waved Dave into her seat, and then she sat and wrapped an arm around Summer. The action must have been uncharacteristic because everyone watched with wide-eyed amazement.
Maria squeezed and said, “I know how hard this is. Take your time. Breathe. We're here for you. I’m here for you.”
Summer nodded, drawing strength from Maria. At an earlier session, she’d learned that Maria had been a prisoner in Afghanistan. While the woman had not given details of her capture and time there, everyone knew what she most likely suffered. The beatings would have been the least of her pain. If Maria could return from that, Summer could trust her to understand.
With another shaky breath, Summer said, “A long time ago, before I joined the Army, I was sexually assaulted while on a service mission. He stole everything from me and then threatened my family if I ever said anything. I was only eighteen and believed he could do whatever he said. So, after I returned home, I ran away to the Army.
“I think I hoped joining the military would help me feel safe again. Make me stronger. In a way, it did, but I never faced what happened head-on. I buried it and pretended it never happened, but it still haunts me. How could it not? It changed my life, and I left Brandon behind because of it. He doesn't know what happened or why I left, and I'm terrified of how he'll react when I tell him.”
The group was silent for a moment, each member processing her revelation. Maria clung to her, but it was James who spoke up first. "Summer, you are incredibly brave. What specifically scares you about telling Brandon?"
Summer wiped a tear from her cheek. "I'm afraid he'll see me differently and think I'm broken or damaged. That he’ll wish I had never returned home.”
Fiona nodded thoughtfully. "It's understandable to have those fears, Summer. But you're not broken. What happened to you was a traumatic experience, but it doesn't define who you are. How has Brandon responded to you sharing other aspects of your life?"
Summer couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips. "He's been nothing but supportive. He knows about the PTSD and has been patient and understanding. He's always been there for me."
Dave nodded and said, "Brandon sounds like a good guy. Telling him this part of your story will help him understand you better."
James added, "And remember, you deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you, including your past. This won’t change anything if Brandon is the right guy for you.”
Summer felt a sense of relief wash over her as she absorbed their words. “How do I tell him?”
Fiona smiled warmly. “That is something only you can answer. It sounds like you have a history with this man. Trust him, trust your friendship, and take the chance. You'll find the right moment."
Summer felt deflated. She had hoped for some definitive answers here. An ABC list of how to talk about the incident, but she should have known no one could give that to her. She sat quietly and listened to the others share things about their week. Every once in a while, she contributed to the conversation, but mostly, she thought about Brandon and how to share everything with him.
As the session ended, Summer felt a newfound sense of resolve. She knew the conversation with Brandon wouldn't be easy, but with Griff’s support and the confirmation from her therapy group, she knew she had to take that step.
Before leaving, she walked to the snack table and picked up a cookie and water bottle. Maria shuffled up beside her .
“How long has it been,” she asked. “Since, you know…”
“Ten years,” Summer replied.
“And it isn’t any better?” Maria asked.
Summer shook her head, and the soda in her hand shook from the trembling. “Yes and no? Some things are better, but I’ll get triggered every once in a while. I don’t think I ever dealt with the self-worth issues caused by it.”
“Time has made you forget,” she said as a statement, not a question.
“No.”
“I had hoped time would do that,” Maria whispered.
“I don’t think it’s something we can forget. It’s a form of PTSD. I never know what sound, smell, or situation will send me back into the memory, and then I feel dirty and worthless all over again.” Summer set her soda down to swipe at the stupid tears running down her face again. “I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”
“Me either,” Maria agreed, spun on her heels, and hurried from the room.
Griff watched her leave. “That woman is carrying a lot of pain.”