Chapter 9
“Abigail didn’t go home after church, did she?” Lydia asked as Simeon entered Dad’s kitchen, waving the spoon she’d been using to stir a big bowl of potato salad.
“She’s in the restroom.” Simeon zigzagged around Zeb and Carly to grab a deviled egg.
Lydia swatted at his hand. “Wait for lunch.”
“Oh, is it lunchtime?” Liam came up behind Lydia and reached around her for an egg.
“You two.” Lydia shook her head. “Just for that, you can be last in line.”
Simeon grabbed at his heart. “You wouldn’t do that to your own brother?”
“And your fiancé?” Liam added, nuzzling his face into her hair.
Lydia laughed but scooted away from him. “Oh, I would.” She turned to Simeon. “It was good to see Abigail in church.”
“I know.” Simeon’s heart felt lighter than it had in months. It was like a giant weight—as heavy as that elephant Dad had been talking about in church—had been lifted off his chest, just to have his wife in worship with him again. And she’d been so intensely focused on Dad’s sermon. He prayed it had touched her with the reassurance of God’s forgiveness the way it had him.
“So everything’s good?” Liam asked in a low voice.
Simeon nodded. “Things are really good.” He almost went ahead and told them about the adoption but stopped himself just in time. That was for him and Abigail to share together. When she was ready.
“There she is.” Lydia smiled over his shoulder, and Simeon turned, his heart flipping at the sight of his wife the same way it had the first time he’d seen her. He held out a hand to her, and she took it without hesitation. Simeon’s heart flipped two more times. He would never take holding hands with her for granted again.
“Hey, Abigail.” Lydia slid the potato salad over to make room for a bowl of Jell-o. “You don’t work Mondays, right? Because I found this really cute dress shop in Cypresswood, and I thought maybe we could all go check it out tomorrow.”
“Um.” Abigail sounded hesitant, and Simeon squeezed her hand to encourage her. It would be good for her to spend time with her sisters-in-law. Plus, Lydia and Liam’s wedding was coming up fast, so they probably did need to get the dresses soon.
“Yeah. Sure,” Abigail answered.
“Oh good. One o’clock? It works for Carly and Ava too. I just have to ask Ireland yet. And we’ll have to do a video call with Grace or something. She can send her measurements once we find something everyone likes.”
“I vote for an empire waist.” Carly joined them at the counter. “I can only imagine how big this little one will be by then.”
Simeon watched the way Abigail’s eyes went directly to the hand Carly held over her tiny baby bump. He wrapped an arm around his wife’s back and snugged her in closer, kissing her hair.
“Hey, can I get a ride with you?” Carly turned to Abigail. “Zeb scheduled my car to get new brakes tomorrow, and Lydia and Liam are going to Brampton first to pick out a cake. I’d go with them, but my morning sickness says that would be a bad idea.”
“Oh, um, sure.” Abigail’s voice was a little strained, but she smiled dutifully. “I can pick you up at noon.”
“Perfect. Thank you.”
“All right. I think everything is ready,” Lydia called loudly.
Simeon chuckled. She was definitely a Calvano. If the fact that she’d inherited Mama’s gift for singing wasn’t enough proof, her ability to yell over the cacophony of this lively group certainly was.
The kitchen grew louder as the rest of the family filled the room. But after a few minutes, everyone quieted. They all knew the drill. Dad would lead them in prayer, and then it would be a free-for-all to get to the food first.
“Before we pray.” Asher cleared his throat, and everyone looked to him in surprise. Though he wasn’t exactly shy, their park ranger brother also wasn’t generally the most outspoken of the group. “Ireland and I have an announcement.” He looked to his wife, who was grinning radiantly. Simeon tightened his grip on Abigail’s hand. He had a feeling he knew what the announcement was.
“Don’t tell me you’re having a baby,” Joseph called from his spot next to the French doors.
Both Asher’s and Ireland’s mouths opened, and Asher scooped a deviled egg off the counter and chucked it in Joseph’s direction. “Are you kidding me right now?”
The egg hit the glass door with an ugly splat.
“What?” Joseph looked chagrined. “Is that really what it is?” His eyes widened. “Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to— Oh man. Seriously. It’s just that we’re expecting too.”
“Joseph!” Now it was Ava whose eyes were huge. “We said we were going to wait to tell.”
“Sorry.” But this time Joseph looked much less apologetic as his face broke into a giant grin. “I told you. I had to wait so long for you to finally come to your senses and marry me that I couldn’t wait for this too.”
Ava rolled her eyes but laughed as the room broke into an explosion of congratulations and hugs for all four of the newly expectant parents.
Simeon turned to Abigail. She was smiling bravely. But the moment her eyes met his, she gasped and pulled her hand away, shoving past the others to get out of the room.
Simeon tried to follow her.
“What? No congratulations?” Joseph stepped into his path with a playful shove.
“Not now,” Simeon growled, pushing past his brother.
“Simeon, what—” But Joseph’s voice faded as Simeon burst into the living room. Abigail wasn’t there. He flew down the hallway, checking bedrooms and bathrooms. All empty.
As he returned to the living room, his eyes fell on the picture window that overlooked the front yard. Movement near the end of the row of cars lining the long driveway caught his eye.
He shot out the front door. “Abigail!”
But she was already at their vehicle, climbing into the driver’s seat. He patted his pocket. He still had the keys. So at least she couldn’t—
He gasped at the sound of an engine turning over. She must have had her set of keys in her purse. But she wouldn’t really leave without him, would she?
The sight of the SUV backing up and turning around answered his question. He stared after the vehicle, kicking himself. He’d gotten so caught up in his own excitement about the adoption process that he hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge that she was still mourning the loss of the dream of having a child themselves. What kind of counselor was he? What kind of husband?
“Hey.” A hand fell on his shoulder. “Is she okay?”
Simeon rubbed at his forehead, not looking at Joseph. “Not really.” He sighed. “Let’s go inside. There’s something I have to tell you all.”
Abigail kept herself curled around Simeon’s pillow, shuddering as she heard the front door open.
“Abigail?” Simeon’s voice carried up the stairs, sounding worried and compassionate. But not angry. He never got angry.
Even when she wished he would.
His footsteps pounded up the stairs.
Fresh tears coursed down her face.
“Oh, sweetheart.” His voice came from the doorway, but the next thing she knew, he was in the bed with his arms around her. “I’m so sorry.” He stroked her hair. “They didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She tried to hold it back, but a sharp sob escaped from her core. Why did he have to be so understanding? She didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve him.
She fought to get her tears under control, but Simeon kept rubbing her back and her hair, kept whispering that everything was all right. And every time he said it, she only cried harder.
Everything was not all right. And she could never make it all right.
When she finally managed to stop crying, she sucked in a rough breath and slid out of his arms to sit up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to . . .”
What? What hadn’t she meant to do?
Any of it.
But there was no way to explain that.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Simeon’s smile was gentle, but he ducked his head. “I had to tell them.”
Abigail froze. “Tell them what?”
Simeon sat up and reached for her hand. “About the miscarriages. And that we’re adopting.” He brushed a tear off her cheek. “They’re all happy for us.”
Abigail’s lip quivered, but she made herself say it. “I can’t, Simeon.”
He gave her a quizzical smile, his thumb still circling on her cheek. “Can’t what?”
She swallowed. “I can’t adopt.”
His hand stilled. “What do you mean, you can’t? You don’t want to?” The hurt in his eyes clawed at Abigail’s heart.
But she wheezed out an answer. “I just can’t.”
His hand fell from her cheek to the bed between them, and he let out a hard breath. “I’m sorry if I rushed you. We should have talked about it more. Do you need more time?”
She shook her head. “More time won’t help. I can’t ever adopt.”
“Why not?”
“Because . . . all of this is my fault.”
“All of what is your fault?” He looked genuinely perplexed.
“Everything we’ve been going through.”
“Of course it’s not your fault.” Simeon let out a breath, sounding slightly relieved. He probably thought she was just being dramatic. “These things happen. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I did.”
Simeon blinked at her. “What do you mean?”
This was her chance. She should tell him everything. Get it over with.
“I mean . . .” She let out a breath. “I threw the adoption papers away.” She slapped a hand over her mouth, horrified. That wasn’t what she’d meant to tell him.
Simeon stared at her. “You threw them away?” His voice was strangled, and it almost cut off all of Abigail’s air.
“I threw them away, Simeon. I can’t adopt.”
“Help me understand, Abigail. Why would you do that?”
“I’m not who you think I am,” she choked out.
“What does that even mean?” It was the closest to frustrated she’d ever heard him.
She shook her head, and a tear zigzagged down her cheek.
Simeon lifted a hand to wipe it away, but she turned her head so he couldn’t.
She didn’t deserve his comfort. Not when she was the one inflicting the pain on him.
Simeon jerked to his feet. The shift of weight in the bed was so abrupt that Abigail nearly tipped over.
“You want to push me away, Abigail? Fine. I’ll consider myself pushed.”
“Simeon, no. Wait.”
He paused and turned toward her.
But the look of hope on his face was too much.
“I want to help you,” Simeon said wearily. “But I can’t. Not if you won’t talk to me.”
Abigail dropped her head. There was nothing she could say that would make the situation better.
After a moment, Simeon sighed roughly. And then his footsteps retreated out the door.
Abigail lifted the pillow to her face. She’d finally succeeded in making him angry.
And there was nothing she could do to fix it.