Chapter 4Hailey
CHAPTER 4
HAILEY
“You wanted to see me?” I say to Nate, rapping on his office door.
The room is little more than a closet, with a small desk and chair for him. Two guest chairs are crammed in against one wall, while gray filing cabinets line another, making the space look even smaller than it already is. It’s functional for what he needs when it comes to paperwork, but the guy doesn’t spend much time besides that in here.
I think that’s one reason we all love Nate so much. He gets involved with his team instead of hiding behind a desk. We’re a family. I can’t imagine life being any other way.
Until last week, anyway.
Of all the places Luke could have ended up, I don’t understand how he ended up in my firehouse. Or why he became a firefighter. And he wasn’t about to give me any answers, either.
Anger doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. He was pushing my buttons on purpose; it always gave him a thrill to see me worked up, and I guess some things don’t change. Something I’d be wise to curb, however, is the way I react to him. I know I was giving him exactly what he wanted, which pissed me off even more.
I couldn’t help it. Seeing him was a shock straight to my core and my world hasn’t been right since. That first day I was a head case on every single call. Quinn had to take over putting an IV in, I got caught up in the nasal cannula for a patient, and I forgot how to talk over the radio to the hospital. Those were just a couple of my fabulous moments.
My days off didn’t get much better. After spotting someone who looked like Luke at the store in Bear Creek, I ran into a display of crackers, knocking them all over. The next day, I almost ran a woman over when I thought I saw Luke walk into the pizza place on main street. And then, when I met with my mom for lunch, a Jeep that looked like his pulled out of the parking lot as I was turning in. That one had me so discombobulated that as the hostess was taking us to our table, I ran into a waiter who had just finished clearing a table, causing him to lose every single dish in his arms.
It’s been a disaster. I’ve been a disaster.
“Yeah,” Nate says, his head popping up from his work. He nods in my direction. “Close the door. Have a seat.”
For a long moment I just stand there, blinking slowly. This must be a dream. I wasn’t one to get into trouble growing up, or when I got older, and definitely not as an adult. The most trouble I got into was that summer with?—
No. I’m not going to think his name again.
The point is, I don’t get into trouble, so I don’t know how these things go, but I’m pretty sure they generally start with “close the door.” A wave of adrenaline sweeps through me, causing my stomach to lodge in my throat, and my heart to beat ferociously. It’s a feeling I’m used to, but usually it entails a crazy scene where we’re working against the clock to save someone. Or when there’s sudden danger because a patient reacts poorly, or a family member shows up. Hell, I’ve even felt it when we show up for a six year old’s scraped knee. Things with kids just hit different.
“Am I in trouble?” I ask with trepidation, swinging the door shut.
His piercing blue eyes are scrutinizing me with such intensity that I nearly squirm as I sit down opposite him. If this is what it feels like to be in hot water, I know why I didn’t do it growing up. I’m not sure how anyone does.
“Why don’t you tell me?” he responds after what feels like an eternity.
My eyebrows shoot up. Confusion settles in and I shake my head unintelligently. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
The air about Nate is nonchalant when he asks, “What’s going on between you and Luke?”
“Nothing!” I snap quickly. Probably too quickly for Nate’s keen observation, but I can’t help my reaction. Hastily I add, “Did he say otherwise?”
He sits back in his chair and expels a breath. I’ve known Nate for years and he’s clearly frustrated, but if he thinks I’m going to tell him anything, he’s sorely mistaken. There’s nothing to tell. There’s nothing going on between Luke and me. There never will be.
“He hasn’t said anything, but your reaction tells me all I need to know, Hailey,” he says, his tone softening. Picking up a pen from his desk, he twirls it in his fingers, looking cool and casual, but I can tell by the way he watches me that his gears are spinning, trying to figure out the right way to broach this.
“There is nothing between Luke and me,” I reiterate through gritted teeth.
Silence fills the space between us. It might be the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been, something I’m sure Nate is acutely aware of. It’s like he’s waiting me out to see if I’ll crack under the pressure of his watchful gaze, but I refuse.
Growing up, authority never scared me because I never did anything wrong. If someone in a position of power requested something of me, or asked a question, I was an open book. In this moment, however, I’m getting a firsthand glimpse of how it would have felt to be defiant.
I am not talking about this with him. I’m not talking about this with anyone. Not even Cindi, my best friend at the time I knew Luke. The only one who might understand what his being back means for me. Even though she was across the country for school by the time my heart was broken, she was the one there that whole summer, to witness me falling in love with the boy from Texas who got me to do things that scared the hell out of me.
The Double Drop at the Boardwalk, where we spent so many days and nights. Jumping off cliffs into the river below while I screamed at the top of my lungs. Riding on the handlebars of his bike through town, laughing the whole way.
My heart aches in my chest at the memories that bubble up, and I push them away, determined not to let them interfere with the conversation at hand.
I give a silent cheer of victory when Nate is the first to crack. He sits up in his chair and then leans forward on his desk, his forearms coming to rest there while he interlocks his fingers in front of him. The stern look on his face squashes my triumph.
“Maybe not now, but it’s clear the two of you know each other. I’ve never seen you act like this, Hailey. It’s a tad concerning,” he says with a tone that matches his look. “Frankly, it’s affecting the firehouse, and because of that I need to step in. I’ve allowed this to go on for a few shifts now, hoping you would resolve it, but you haven’t, and I can’t keep letting everyone freeze Luke out.”
“I never asked them to do anything!” I defend myself vehemently.
Nate holds up a hand to stop me. “I never said you did. But each and every one of them has been picking up on your cues. They can tell you don’t like Luke, and they’re your family. They’re going to stand by your side even if they don’t understand why. They’re going to do everything in their power to protect you.”
He pauses for a second, letting this all sink in for me before he adds the kicker, his voice softening marginally, “Whether you like it or not, Hailey, Luke is family now, too.”
I swallow the rising lump in my throat that threatens to conjure tears. I will not cry over this, even if it’s in pure frustration. Nate hasn’t been mean or unkind since I closed the door, but I feel battered and guilt ridden by this conversation, nonetheless.
For a fleeting moment, I have the urge to scream the truth at him. To tell him how Luke is the one man I allowed myself to fall in love with. I may have been young, and our romance may have been short, but I know I loved the hell out of him, and I’ll never again find anything like what we shared.
I want to tell Nate I can’t do it. I can’t be part of Luke’s family because of what happened after that summer. When Luke left and never looked back. When he squashed every dream and plan we had by turning his back on me during the hardest time of my life. When he broke my heart so severely the only thing I’ve ever wanted since was to be alone, or with the safe choice I’d never truly love, just so I didn’t get hurt.
For only a second, I wish I could tell Nate that I don’t know how to talk to Luke without anger because that doesn’t feel safe. I don’t know how to be around him and keep my heart protected. I wish I could tell him that knowing Luke irrevocably changed me, my essence, my soul.
But I can’t. I don’t. I stay quiet, tamping down on my wants, needs, and wishes. Nate stares at me, gauging my reaction to him. I stare back, hoping my poker face is good enough that he doesn’t see any of my thoughts written there.
A sigh of defeat deflates him, and he sinks backwards into his chair. Again, I’m victorious in waiting him out, but I don’t feel like celebrating this time.
“Tell them to stand down, Hailey,” he says quietly, but with authority. “Tell them to give him a chance. Captain Bernard and I went through a lot of candidates looking for a replacement for Mac, and Luke was the best.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes.
Nate reads it anyway. “He comes highly recommended from Texas, but it was more than that. When we interviewed him, he struck me as someone who would fit in with everyone on the team. If,” he pauses, ensuring he has my attention, “he’s given a chance.”
“Fine!” I snap, throwing my hands up. The tone in my voice, and the movement of my body, is so involuntary and unlike me that I surprise myself. The second I do it, I feel like a teenager throwing a temper tantrum. I’m a little mortified by my actions, but not enough that I quell the anger bubbling inside me. “I’ll tell them to knock it off. But if they don’t, it’s not my problem. Can I go now?”
Nate doesn’t deserve my attitude, but he takes it in stride. Instead of reprimanding me for it, which is certainly his right, he sighs but nods, waving his hand towards the door.
I’m halfway out of my seat when he says my name in such a way that I know I’m not going to be happy. I pause as I reach my full height.
“He’ll be at the engagement party tomorrow night,” Nate tells me, and I think, for just a second, he looks a little sheepish over the admission.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snarl, outraged that Nate would invite a complete stranger to the night he’s proposing to Savanna. A night that should be reserved for close family and friends. A night of intimacy.
The embarrassment is gone, replaced by that same stern look he’s had most of our meeting. “He’s part of the family, Hailey. I’m not going to have everyone at the firehouse there except for him. He’s to be included.”
“He doesn’t even know you and Savanna! You’re just going to invite him to the moment you pop the question to her?” I can’t believe this.
“If I hadn’t included Savanna when she was new in town, she wouldn’t be my future wife,” he says and for the first time since I came in here, I can hear a snippet of anger. “There was a time she didn’t know anyone, and you all welcomed her with open arms. I’d appreciate it if I saw those same people at the party tomorrow night.”
“You hope,” I sneer. When his eyes narrow incrementally at me, trying to figure out what I mean, I add, “You hope she’s your future wife. She hasn’t said yes yet.”
It’s a low blow. A shot I shouldn’t have taken. I know he’s nervous even if he has nothing to be nervous about. Savanna will say yes to him, we’re all sure of it. The girl is head over heels in love with Nate, and the two of them fit together perfectly.
I watch the frustration drain from his eyes, a flash of surprise, and then resignation replacing it. “You’re right.” His voice is so soft I barely hear it.
Instantly I feel like shit. I deserve to. I’m not a rebellious, defiant person. These feelings don’t sit well with me and I’m not handling them very well. “Nate, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”
“It’s fine,” he says with a shake of his head.
“No, it isn’t. I’m taking my anger out on you, and you don’t deserve it,” I tell him with a sigh. It’s the first acknowledgement to anyone that I’m angry.
“You know I’m a pretty good listener if you want to talk,” Nate offers, and I know he’s doing it as a friend first and a boss second.
I shake my head. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to know what happened between us. Nate wouldn’t tell anyone if I confided in him, but I don’t like to talk about it. There’s no point in opening up those wounds and rehashing the past. Still, I feel badly for how I’ve treated him, and while I’m not going to offer him any details, I decide to give him more than anyone else.
“Can we just leave it at you’re right?” I ask him earnestly. “I knew Luke a long time ago, but I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll work on getting over how I feel, and I’ll talk to everyone else about the way they’re treating him.”
Nate tries to hide it, but I see the flash of a smile before he smooths his expression out. He can’t hide it from his eyes, though. There’s victory there. “Deal.”
“I’m gonna go now,” I say, pointing towards the door. Giving Nate a slight smile that I don’t feel, I turn, but before I can even put my hand on the doorknob he stops me.
“Hails?”
Now we’ve definitely moved from boss to friend. He wouldn’t call me by my nickname otherwise. I glance back to him, eyebrow raised in question.
“You got any plans on Thursday?”
I look towards the ceiling in thought, going through my calendar mentally. I’m not generally very busy on our off days, especially during the cooler winter months, and I can’t think of anything I’ve got going on. “Nothing I can think of. What’s up?”
“It’s supposed to be a nice day, so I’ve booked us all in for Tree Toppers,” he says nonchalantly, like this won’t make me freak the hell out.
Tree Toppers is an aerial ropes course high above the ground in the redwood forest. After being harnessed in, there’s a ladder to climb to a platform on a tree, and then an obstacle course that follows. There are different degrees of challenges, from walking along wooden planks, to walking wires that connect trees. Swinging ladder bridges and moving through rings that are suspended using rope. There are a few parts that even require a partner to go from one tree to another. From past experience, those challenges are Nate’s favorite. He calls it team building.
I call it a death trap.
“No! Nate, no!” I exclaim in horror, my stomach bottoming out at the thought of going up there.
He’s taken the whole team numerous times, and I always hate it. These are the types of things I don’t do. The types of things I hate. Tree Toppers might be the worst of them all, which probably comes from a deep-rooted fear of falling to my death, courtesy of my dad.
“You know I won’t make you do it if you don’t want to,” Nate says to pacify me. “I never do. But I think we all need a bonding experience, and this is a good way to achieve that.”
He’s right. I always stay behind on the ground, but I always feel a tiny morsel of regret that I don’t do it. Not that I tell anyone that. Instead, I cheer from below even though it makes me feel sick, watching all of them high in the trees, working together in pairs to help each other through it all.
Without my consent, my thoughts drift to Luke, causing me to groan inwardly. He’ll be there, I’m sure of it. This is all because of him and the way the whole house has been treating him. Damn Nate.
“Is it mandatory?” I ask because I really don’t want to go.
“It’s never mandatory, Hailey, you know that. I can’t make any of you do anything on your days off,” he tells me, giving a bit of an eyeroll. “But if you don’t come, I’ll be disappointed.”
Nate sucks. He knows exactly what to say to play my emotions against me. Despite my actions in his office this morning, I’m too obedient not to go. I would never want to cause him disappointment, and he knows it. He double sucks because he’s gone all friend on me to get me to do something that affects work, which normally I wouldn’t give two shits about, but this means two out of three of my days off I’m going to see Luke.
“You’re an ass,” I tell him with a grimace. “But fine. I’ll be there.”
He just laughs and waves me out of his office. “Tell Liam I need to speak with him.”
Yanking the door open, I practically run out of there before he can give me any other news I won’t like. I’m not happy about any of this, but I suppose if I want to leave the past in the past, I actually need to leave it there. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be friendly to Luke by any means, but I can get everyone to give him a chance. What he does with that chance is completely up to him.
Kind of like the chance I’m going to give my mom’s blind date. If Luke is going to be at the engagement party, there’s no way I’m showing up alone. Not only will it send a clear message to Luke, it’ll get my mom off my back.
It’s the perfect plan. What could go wrong?