Chapter 15Hailey
CHAPTER 15
HAILEY
“I don’t want to go home,” I tell Luke, turning to look at him.
At the same time, he’s angling toward me and says, “I don’t want to be without you.”
I bite my lip to keep from laughing while he breaks out into a huge grin, causing his dimples to spring to life. We’re sitting in his vehicle after spending a few hours at the hospital in Santa Rosé. The doctor gave me the all clear after doing a thorough evaluation that included some x-rays and a couple of other tests. Besides a few bruises, a couple of cuts, and being sore for the next couple of days, which he says could be on the rough side, I’m perfectly healthy.
I’m also really lucky.
What happened still doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’m walking through some kind of dream, or nightmare, waiting to wake up and find out it was all in my subconscious. It wouldn’t be the first time I had a horrible nightmare involving a car.
I know it isn’t, though. In every nightmare I had, Luke was there. Dead. Lifeless green-blue eyes would stare at me, expressionless, with zero dimples pointed in my direction. My mom used to tell me that it was my mind’s way of telling me that the relationship was gone, that I was just in mourning. That’s exactly how it felt.
So, I know I’m not in some nightmare, about to wake up at any time. Luke is very much alive and he’s very much sitting next to me. As much as today has been a nightmare, this seems more dreamlike than anything. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be sitting in his vehicle, hoping he would take me home with him. It wasn’t because I hadn’t hoped and wished and prayed with all my heart that it would happen. I used to do it all the time. I’d just given up, and become angry. Then depressed. At one point or another, I went through every stage of grief over Luke.
I promised myself never again. I would never love someone the way I loved him. I would never put myself in a position where I could be hurt as badly as I was.
Here I am, though. I tried to keep him out. I tried to put up a shield against him. Luke did what Luke does. He broke down the walls, and everything holding them up, despite my best efforts not to allow it to happen.
I don’t know. Maybe I wanted him to break through. Maybe it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was.
Either way, here we are. Staring at each other, both a little bemused, a little hesitant.
We know things changed between us today. While Luke says you can always go backwards, I don’t think we can after what we went through. How could I ever go back to being so angry with him that I wouldn’t want him to think about me, look at me, or talk to me? How could I go back to being awkward friends with him?
That leaves us with the path forward. Scary as it might be, I think Luke is worth the risk. Devastation so horrendous I don’t know if I would recover would likely happen if my heart gets broken again, but Luke makes me brave.
Taking a deep breath as I prepare to take the plunge, my cheeks feel hot while my head dips shyly to ask, “Can I stay with you tonight?”
Lifting his hand, he sweeps the backs of his fingers across my cheek. “You can stay at my place anytime you want, Freckles.” His tone is gentle, but the conviction I hear in it makes my heart expand for this man.
“Take me home then,” I whisper, turning my face into his touch. My eyes droop as he turns his hand, my face resting lightly against his palm.
My sweet, sweet Luke. I can only imagine the things he’s felt today. He hasn’t stopped touching me in some form since we got to the hospital. When the nurse, who happened to be Jordan, Nate’s sister, took me for x-rays, he held my hand until she wouldn’t let him go any further. When we got back a while later, he was standing there waiting for me, taking my hand as soon as he could. When Nate and Savanna called as we got to the Jeep after I was discharged, he sat quietly with his hand resting on my knee, content to just be close.
With one last brush of his thumb over my trail of freckles, he smiles before he leans over to brush his lips against my forehead. I sigh softly, joining him in that content feeling. Happy to be alive and beside him.
When we finally get on the road, I lean my head back and close my eyes, listening to the light rain splattering on the windshield. I hope it doesn’t take long to get to his place because I’m exhausted. And hungry.
Suddenly, I sit up, my eyes popping open. “Where do you live?”
He glances over at me, a sly grin sliding across his lips. “At the top of Grouse Road.”
My jaw drops open, disbelief shining in my eyes. “You live in Bear Creek? That’s why you were following me up the mountain. You weren’t following me; you were going home!”
“I was about to tell you that when the tree came down,” he says, wincing.
“A byproduct of your drive,” I say, falling back against the seat, remembering what he told me. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. “I’m really glad it was.”
“Me too.”
I don’t know when he grabbed my hand, or when I grabbed his, but he squeezes it right then and I squeeze back, the memory of the first tree in both of our minds.
We lapse into silence as he winds his way back up the freeway until he hits highway twelve. At some point he mentions that Nate told him about an emergency services road that travels through the woods so we can get around the downed trees on the highway. When we get to the turn off, I show him exactly where to go, glad we’re in his Jeep instead of my little car. It’s a gravel road all the way up, and it isn’t smooth terrain.
“Do you want to stop off at your house for anything?” he asks, throwing me a sideways glance. “I could probably manage to get a window open somewhere since you don’t have your keys.”
“I keep one hidden,” I tell him, then nod. “It would be nice to have a few things.”
Like a toothbrush.
There’s a secondary reason I don’t want to stay at home. Bear Creek is a small town. Everyone has probably heard about the downed trees, and the girl whose car is at the bottom of the mountain. It’ll be spreading through town that the girl is me. When that happens, I know people are going to show up at my door, which is not something I’m prepared for.
The only person I texted was my mom, from Luke’s phone at the hospital, to let her know I was safe and unharmed. If she got word of the accident, and hadn’t heard from me, she would freak. Though, knowing her, she’ll probably still freak. She’ll just need to deal until I have more energy for her, though.
I direct him to my townhouse which is a street over, and lower on the mountain, from his place. He joins me inside, wanting to stay close I think, but I show him into the living room where he can sink into my couch for a minute while I go upstairs and make quick work of putting a bag together.
Halfway out my bedroom door, I stop when a shimmer from the first rays of sunlight in days catches my eye. It happens every time I walk out at this time of day. And every time I stop to look at it.
Hanging from a jewelry stand is a gold chain with a double infinity pendant with a diamond in the middle. Walking back to my dresser, I pick the pendant up in my palm and stare at it, remembering when I got it.
It was two nights before Luke left to go back home. We were sitting at the beach long after the sun had disappeared, wrapped in each other’s arms when he pulled out this little box. I couldn’t believe he had gotten me something, and when I opened it, I had gasped. It was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen in my life. Simple but classic.
He’d put it around my neck and told me anytime I missed him or thought of him, I just needed to touch the pendant and remember that our love was like the necklace. Never ending. We were going to be apart for a while, but one day we would be together again.
I wore the necklace for months. Day in and day out, I touched the pendant time and again, hoping if I did it would magically make Luke appear to right my world when it was upside down. Every day that passed and he didn’t show up made me hate him, and the necklace, a little more. Until one day I finally ripped it off and threw it in our backyard, hoping never to see it again.
Imagine my surprise when my mom gave it to me a few months later, the clasp I know I had broken, totally fixed. She told me to keep it as a reminder. Of what, she didn’t say.
It reminded me of so many things. Hopes and dreams. Shattered hearts and broken promises. I nearly tossed it in a drawer to forget about, but decided instead I would hang it and let it remind me of the latter. So far it’s done its job at keeping my heart safe.
Looking at it now I wonder if I had hope this entire time.
Dropping my bag, I take the necklace from the stand and put it on, looking at it in the mirror for a moment. It’s as pretty as it was the day Luke gave it to me.
Tucking it beneath the crewneck sweatshirt of Luke’s that I put on at the hospital, I grab my bag and head to the living room to find him dozing on my couch. I’d love to leave him here because I know he’s exhausted, and he looks peaceful, but if we stay much longer, I know someone from town will show up. I don’t want to be here when that happens.
Setting my bag down, I lean over the arm of the couch and whisper in his ear, “Luke, we’ve got to go. Wake up, Dimples. You can sleep when we get to your house.”
Calling him by the nickname I gave him all those years ago makes my stomach swim with butterflies. It causes him to make those dimples appear, a smile spreading from ear to ear across his face while his eyes slowly open to gaze up at me.
“Now that’s a sight I could get used to when I open my eyes,” he says, stretching his arms out and then overhead. Pushing himself off the couch, he picks up the bag I dropped and slings it over his shoulder. “C’mon Freckles. We could both use a nap.”
When we’re back in the Jeep making our way to Luke’s place, I refrain from reaching to my neck to finger the necklace that I can feel there. The longer I wear it, the heavier it seems to become.
The memory of him telling me that our love was never ending only to have him disappear, not to be heard from for ten years, weighs heavy on my heart. I know I decided to leave the past in the past, but I don’t know if I can truly move forward without knowing why we came to a halt all those years ago.
“This is where you live?” I ask with wonder, my thoughts interrupted as he pulls into the drive of a large log home. “This is one of my favorite homes in all of Bear Creek. Mr. Dyson owned it my entire life, and I always wished I could live here.”
The house has all kinds of character. Large wooden steps lead up to a porch that wraps around to the back of the property. Giant picture windows are placed strategically around the home, making it look warm and inviting. The roof has two sloped sides, and in the middle of one side are two dormer windows, indicating a second story to the house.
“Well, now you get to stay here,” Luke tells me, getting out of the Jeep. He grabs my bag from the back. “You hungry? I can make us a bite to eat before we get some sleep.”
I slip from my seatbelt and open the door, probably famished after everything that happened, but I can’t think about food. My mom had mentioned some young, single guy had bought this place from Mr. Dyson, making a joke that maybe I should take a wander by.
Buying a house means he planned on staying in Bear Creek for a while. Most people don’t buy a house only to leave soon after. But why? Why did he come to Santa Rosé? To Bear Creek? Did he come here to find me? What happened to his dream of becoming a police officer? Why is he a firefighter now?
There are so many questions I’ve been burying for weeks, scared to ask, afraid of the answers. I have no choice but to ask them now because I can’t walk into his home without knowing the answer to at least the question that’s haunted me for ten long years.
Luke is already up the steps, unlocking the door when I stop at the bottom. I watch, knowing he thinks I’m right behind him, but I need space to ask the question. If the answer is going to break my heart, I don’t need him near me, ready to haul me into his arms to make it better before I have a chance to process anything.
“Luke,” I call his name, my voice ringing stronger than I feel inside.
The door is swinging open when he turns around, frowning as his eyes move down the steps to find me. Dropping my bag at the doorstep, he moves back to the top, ready to bound back down them. I put a hand up to stop him where he is, grateful when he listens.
Confusion meets my gaze, and his brow furrows. “What’s wrong?”
Once I ask, there’s no turning back. But I can’t go forward if I don’t know.
Taking in a deep breath, I wrap my arms around myself in a form of self-protection. “Why did you abandon me? One day you’re promising me forever, claiming you love me, the next you’re gone. I needed you more than anything, and you deserted me.”
He’s ready to take a step down but catches himself before he does. The furrow in his brow deepens, something I didn’t expect. I expected to see shame, or maybe regret, not perplexity.
“What are you talking about?”
I know he isn’t stupid so I can’t help my irritation at his dumbfounded look and tone. “Ten years ago! When you went back home. Why didn’t you call?”
“You’re kidding me, right?” he asks, his own annoyance coming through.
I no longer wrap my arms around myself, I cross them in front of my chest despite the soreness that screams at me, and jut a hip out to tell him wordlessly I’m not joking. I’m waiting for a real answer. I thought we were past this shit. I thought we had gotten to a place where we could be honest with each other rather than play games.
“Just tell me the truth. I don’t want to hear a lie, or some story you’ve made up. Was what happened too much for you? Could you not handle it? Did you change your mind about me?” My questions come one after the other in rapid fire, not giving him a chance to answer. “Do you know what it was like when I found out you hadn’t called? Do you know how it felt to wonder if you loved me at all, or if it had?—”
“I don’t know what reality you’re living in, Hailey, but it sure as hell isn’t the one I live in,” he interrupts, eyes emblazoned with anger, his hands clenched at his sides.
My head rears back, and I take a step away, surprised. “Excuse me?”
“I called you. I called you every fucking day for weeks. Weeks, Hailey. I texted you, most days multiple times. I emailed. I called Cindi, and I even had Carter show up at your house once,” he says, venom slipping into his words. “So please, explain to me what reality you live in where I’m the asshole when you couldn’t even pick up the fucking phone.”
I throw my hands up in the air in clear frustration. None of that happened and we both know it. “Really Luke? You’re going to stand there and lie to me? When you know damn well there was no way I could pick up a phone to talk to you.”
Luke’s head falls back to look up at the sky. He’s probably trying to think up some other lie since I’m not falling for this one. I can’t believe I’ve slowly been letting my walls down around him when I knew it was a bad idea. Knew it would just end in more heartache for me.
“Enlighten me, Hailey. Why wouldn’t you be able to pick up a phone?” he asks, still looking skyward.
“You know damn well why I couldn’t do that,” I snarl at him. I shouldn’t need to spell this out.
His head snaps forward, eyes flashing with anger. He walks down a few of the steps towards me, moving deliberately, his jaw working back and forth as he glares.
“I have no idea,” he says, enunciating very clearly, “why you wouldn’t be able to pick up the phone. So rather than standing here getting even angrier at each other, why don’t you just tell me what I don’t know.”
For the first time, my confidence in him knowing what I’m talking about wavers. It’s the look in his eye and the way he holds himself. He’s truly angry right now. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him angry. There’ve been plenty of times I’ve been angry, annoyed, or frustrated at him, both when we were younger, and since he’s been in Santa Rosé, but he normally just sluffs it off and digs deeper to get further under my skin. He’s not doing that now.
My eyes narrow at him. “You really don’t know?”
“I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, Hailey!” he bellows, and I physically shrink back. “I called you. Every. Fucking. Day. You didn’t answer!”
“I – I couldn’t,” I stumble over my words, “I couldn’t answer, Luke.”
He’s down another step, his eyes focused intently on me, still blazing with aggravation. “For the love of all that is holy, please tell me why.”
I swallow hard, my stomach sinking. I feel like I could hurl, because I suddenly believe him, and I don’t understand what this means.
“I was in a coma.”